Goosebumps pebble the skin not hidden underneath her tank top.
I smile as I move to the other side and kiss the second scar.
When I look up into the mirror, her eyes meet mine then drop down to my lips. I wish I knew how to sign what I want to say but seeing as how one of my hands is keeping her hair up, I don’t think it would be very effective if I tried. “This is who you are and you should never be ashamed of it.” I kiss the back of her neck and she shivers. “You are exactly who I want. I wouldn’t change anything.”
She swipes something off the table beside her and takes her hair from my hand. She ties the bun in place and turns around, tilting her head back so she can look at me. “In your eyes, I can see that you’re telling me the truth.” She pushes up on her tiptoes and presses her lips against mine. “No negative thoughts. I just wanted to kiss you.” She drops back down to her normal height and stares at my chest. “I like my lips. When I crop pictures…I do it for me, too. I like staring at my lips, and if the shirt is low enough, I like to stare at my neck and shoulders.”
“Those are my favorite, too.” I lean forward and kiss her shoulder, her neck then her lips. “Every inch of your skin that my lips have touched is a favorite of mine.”
Her eyes roll up and I think she’s rolling them slowly but when they don’t come back down, I tilt my head up, up, up until I see what she’s looking at.
My heart swells.
I am completely smitten with her right now.
Her ceiling is full of small stars. It’s a little hard to see them clearly but I’m pretty sure I can make out a few constellations. I look back down and I don’t say anything because I don’t have to. And if I do, I’ll probably have her ripping them off the ceiling within minutes. I love that she did this. I have no idea why she did, hell, she could have done this so she wouldn’t have to be with me, but it still feels like something I can geek out about.
I love that she can sleep with the stars now.
I love everything about her and if I let myself speak out loud, I’ll scare her–and myself–with words I’ve never said to a woman I’ve dated before. I’m the romantic type but I’ve never let those words leave my mouth because I never felt in love with anyone. Though right now with Luna, I’m pretty sure this is what it feels like to be in love with a person.
“I want to try and make us work,” Luna whispers, eyes staring at my chest for some time before traveling up. “I know there will be some struggle but…I don’t want to give up so easily. I want to open my heart. You’re the perfect person to let in.” She lowers her eyes once more. “Don’t…hurt me. I promise I won’t hurt you.” She shakes her head softly, cheeks lifting as she smiles. “You’re the stars to my moon. I need you in my sky.”
I wrap my arms around Luna and hold her against me.
No words are needed.
She just needs to feel the beat of my heart to understand.
I’m officially in love with her.
It happened faster than I thought it would. Isn’t that how it is? Love waits for no one. There are no facts or data to analyze with love. When you know, you know.
And I do. I fucking know as I look up and stare at a sky full of stars with my moon in my arms.
I love you, and I’ll continue to tell the stars my secret until you’re ready to hear it.
Epilogue
Luna
Eighteen Months Later…
I stare at the clock sitting on my nightstand; the little red numbers telling me it is officially Christmas. I sigh and turn over, causing Loki to stir awake. He moves a little closer to my back and lies back down, his fur tickling my bare skin.
I rest my head on the warm body beside me, his steady heartbeat thumping against my hand, almost lulling me to sleep.
I’ve been anxious all day, searching for a miracle hiding in the stars.
It’s right in front of my eyes, under the palm of my hand. The heart of the man I love is sleeping right beside me.
The man I love. I didn’t think it would happen. Not for me. But for the last couple of months, I would wake up and I’d want Phoenix to be the first thing I see. I wanted him to be everywhere, with me. I went to sleep wanting so much not knowing how to ask. Until last night.
Phoenix overwhelms me, he consumes me, he’s everything to me.
My heart was going to explode from panic and excitement and I couldn’t hold it in. After finishing up a custom piece of pottery for a customer who frequents my online Etsy shop, I found Phoenix in the living room sharing a six-pack of beer with Mac, Trevor, and their girlfriends. They’ve been laughing for hours so I didn’t feel so bad when I worked up the courage to grab his hand and pull him away, telling him I want to go to bed with him. It wasn’t snowing heavily when we checked to see if the roof was clear but it was already covered in the beautiful white powder. We took a detour and cozied up on my bed, staring up at the stars I never wanted to take down.
Phoenix fell asleep running his fingers through my hair after we worked our bodies into a sweat. I stayed awake, mentally telling the stars how much I loved them. They were good practice. I’m still terrified of speaking those words aloud even though Phoenix said them plenty already. And I know he means it. It’s in his eyes; eyes that never lie.
The first time he said I love you was on my first day of going back to college last year. I don’t think he meant to let it slip but as I got out of his car, he stopped me from leaving by grabbing my arm and pulling me back for a final kiss. “Have a great first day, Moon! I love you!” he said. I got out of the car, stunned. His eyes widened just a fraction before he smiled and nodded like he didn’t just say that. He doesn’t know that when he drove off, I turned around, blushing the entire way to my first class. It felt nice hearing those words leave his lips. Lips I love kissing and hearing stories from.
I twirl my finger over the skin above his heart. I lean forward until I’m next to his ear, and I hope that the words are loud enough, no longer just my secret. He might not hear them, but he is a light sleeper. “I love you.”
The moonlight peeking in from my windows lights up his handsome face. His eyes remain closed. I sink lower and rest my head against his chest again. I feel his heart beat increase from a simple thump…thump to a faster thumpthumpthump. It feels like someone is pounding into my head. I start to move away when Phoenix stops me. Still with his eyes closed, he searches for my hand and places it over his heart, making me feel what I’m doing to him.
His lips kick up into a smile and then finally he cracks his eyes open. “Say it again. I want to know I wasn’t dreaming,” he says, my eyes focused on every movement his lips make. It’s the first time I said I love you to someone who isn’t my best friend. It’s the first time I never heard myself say it. This moment, it’s the biggest in the life of Luna Chance, people. I feel like I deserve silent applause or something.
I drop my forehead onto his chest, trying to shake the smile away. The last time I felt this cheesy was when we danced under a sea of stars for my twenty-third birthday, and Phoenix sang a song out loud, completely out of tune. People walking on the beach stared at us like we were crazy. I loved it.
“I love you.”
He taps my hand, telling me to look up. “Say it in every language you know. I still feel like this isn’t real.” He sits up, pulling me up with him. His eyes drop to where Loki was laying down. He must have barked for being interrupted.
“I love you. Te amo. Ti amo. Eu te amo. Je t’aime.” Phoenix squeezes my legs a little more as I say it in English, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, and the little French I know. He’s lighting up my room with his cheeky smile. I can’t help but smile just as wide when I lift my hand and sign my love for him. I love you.
He pulls me closer, his mouth attacking my neck with kisses. Loki wants in on the fun so he hops onto my lap and joins Phoenix. He swipes my dog up and places him as far as he can on my bed. When he pulls back, his eyes landing on mine, they make my heart gallop. Jesus, I could
die of a heart attack right now and I’d know one thing, I died of a happy, full heart.
“I love you too.”
“Wait!” I crawl off his lap and swipe a sound processor off of my nightstand. When I put it on, I straddle his legs once more. “I want to hear it. Us.” I take a deep breath. “I love you.”
He runs his hand up my neck, fingers massaging my scalp. I stare briefly at the tattoo he has on his forearm; the phases of the moon. He said my attitudes remind him of them. One minute I show him so much, others I hide and it takes a while for me to show myself again.
I press my lips against his forearm then I look up, our eyes colliding. His eyes confirm what he says next. “I love you too.”
Those are the four most beautiful words to have graced my ears. I’ve never heard anything more heart-stopping. Tears pool in my eyes, and I fall into his open arms, letting the tears fall.
I feel like I got my surgery to hear those words leave his mouth. To hear them leave my own and mean it. I got my surgery for this exact moment; to hear what I’ve felt for a while now. “When did you know?” I ask.
How long has he kept it a secret?
I wouldn’t be able to give him a definitive answer if he asks next. I just felt something strange in my chest and it progressed every day for the last year.
“I knew without a doubt when we saw the Phoenix constellation. You took off your sound processors and looked up at the stars, not distracted by anything. Watching you watch the stars…it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It became my favorite thing to watch. I wanted to climb into the sky and rearrange the stars just so you’d never stop looking up.”
I look up slowly. “You kept that secret for over a year.”
He shakes his head, pointing a finger up to the ceiling. “Every night I spent here afterwards, I said it. You just never heard it.” He smiles wide as he kisses my ears.
He found a perk of loving a deaf girl.
Tell her your secrets when she can’t hear them. She’ll learn them when it’s time. When she’s ready.
My heart feels like exploding in the best way possible. I look up at the stars, my sky full of secrets.
A sky full of love.
His love for me.
My love for him.
My love for myself. I’ve learned how to love myself a little bit more each day. I even made a list that I add to whenever I can. Phoenix stares at that list with a perfect smile on his kissable lips, and it makes me want to find even more things to add.
He has succeeded. He got through when all hope was lost.
There was a period of time, three months after our little trio came back from our trip when I accidentally ran into Ian and his daughter while I was visiting Wrigley’s resting place, that I completely shut down and felt nothing for a few days. Ian was not as rude as he used to be. He’s been seeing a therapist and they got to the subject of me so we finally had a talk, and he’s trying to be more of a brother.
For the first time in my life, I understood why Ian resented me. When I got my surgery, Ian was in that stage where having friends and being cool meant everything. Once word got around that Ian had a ‘retarded’ sister, he was picked on and lost the people he was the closest to. He blamed me for his friends turning into assholes. He blamed me for our family not having enough money so he could buy new clothes and not be seen as the kid who wears the same clothes all the time.
He blamed me for being able to turn off the voices, the hate, while he had to listen to it all. For years, he dealt with his supposed friends making plans to some day fuck me so they could laugh about it later. He dealt with the pity of having me as a sister.
Ian blamed me for everything and I understood because I blamed it all on myself, too.
We somehow came to an understanding that all this hate was not needed. We need to move past it. We can try and be brother and sister again.
I didn’t ask to become deaf. It happened and I’m living with it. I found some great people who show me that there is good in the world. They make me want to achieve my dreams and be more.
My mom and I still aren’t that close but we’re trying. She moved to Italy a year ago to try and find herself. I hope she does. Being lost isn’t that fun.
Dad has a new girlfriend that adores me. She doesn’t have any children so having the Chance siblings around make her feel wonderful. Tanner found a young mom with three adorable kids living in Florida so Phoenix and I drive down every once and awhile to visit. They make me happy. Being around happy people make me happy.
I am not a helpless deaf chick. I am not a burden.
I am exactly who and what I want to be and I’m damn proud of it. I will continue to grow. Like my king once said, I’m a motherfucking queen, and he doesn’t let me forget it.
Sure, I ran into that rough patch after talking with Ian, but that was something that needed to happen. I needed to lose myself to find myself. Find the bright light. Find hope and love. And I did.
Phoenix salvaged my heart and showed me the beauty in everything. Scientists are wrong. Light does make it out of a black hole. We are living proof.
“I didn’t want you to feel like you had to say it when you didn’t feel it. It’s who you are, Luna. You’d say it just to make me happy.”
“I’m sorry you had to wait so long.” I feel like he had to hide his feelings, killing some part of his hopeless romantic side, just so I could breathe. It isn’t fair but he did it. For me. His moon.
I promise to never do that to him again.
“It was worth it. You’re worth it.” He chuckles as he rubs his cheek against mine. “I feel like I was launched into space, taking the longest route to find you, and I finally made it.” He kisses me once, twice, three times, and then pulls away, an elated sigh escaping his lips. “You’re like a newly discovered universe, and I plan on taking my time exploring everything about you.”
This man. This man is mine and it doesn’t scare me one bit to admit that. He really is the sun and the stars; brightening my day and lighting up my dark night when I can’t do it on my own. “Let’s stay up and watch the sunrise together,” I whisper, because whispering things in the early morning hours is the best way to speak.
Phoenix shakes his head and pulls me forward until we’re lying flush against each other, nose to nose, chest to chest. “I enjoy watching my moon instead. The sun can wait. We have forever.”
“Time is irrelevant in this bed,” I murmur, remembering the words he said to me when I was scared of being held in his arms.
“Yeah,” he breathes, smiling. “It’s just us, two bodies made from stardust converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.”
I love that.
I love him.
My nerd.
My soulmate.
We are the stars and the moon.
We are our very own universe.
We are kismet.
We are us…
…and our love is cosmic.
THE END
Playlist
Aquatinted – The Weeknd
Unsteady – X Ambassadors
Good For You – Selena Gomez
I Feel It Coming (feat. Daft Punk) – The Weeknd
Close – Nick Jonas ft. Tove Lo
Cecilia And The Satellite – Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness
Just the Way You Are – Bruno Mars
Scream - Usher
Telescope - Starset
Closer – Nine Inch Nails
LUV – Tory Lanez
Who You Are – Jessie J
Hands To Myself – Selena Gomez
Pillowtalk – Zayn
Cheap Thrills – Sia
Chandelier - Sia
Acknowledgments
This book wouldn’t be complete without the love and support of my family. I don’t show or say it enough, but I love you guys so much. Thank you for loving me and my dark heart in return.
My betas; Ali, Karina, and Jeannine, THANK YOU for all the feedback!! Luna an
d Phoenix’s book would have turned out differently if it weren’t for your help. I love this book so much more because of you ladies. I seriously can’t thank you three enough.
Hang Le, this cover…I have no words. You are magnificent at everything you do. I am in love with it!! IN. LOVE. <3
Tyler Knott Gregson, you have no idea who I am and that’s okay. I’m a fan of your words. Your poem Typewriter Series #13 inspired that scene in Chapter 17. It’s beautiful.
J.R. Rogue, please never stop writing. Your poems make me feel and that is something most people can’t achieve.
Allyson, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again; you’re a godsend. Just thinking of formatting this book was driving me insane. Thank you for having the patience to work with me!
To all the blogs that have shared my books and put them out into the world, I am forever grateful for the work you do. I wish I could hug and kiss you all!
And most importantly, to you, the reader, I can never get over the fact that my book was picked up and read when there are millions to choose from. I put a little bit of myself in every book I write, and it can be terrifying knowing someone is reading a part of your soul. Thank you for supporting my work. Even if you hated it.
-Briana
About the Author
Briana Pacheco is the author of New Adult novels, a twin, a dreamer, a tattoo lover, easily swooned by accents, and a little bit of an extrovert but a whole lot of introvert. When she’s not reading, writing, or people watching, she can be found listening to music, perfecting resting bitch face, and either hiding in the background of a crowded room or at Dunkin’ Donuts.
She’s always thinking of new book ideas so she ends up going a little stir-crazy as she jots down notes for future characters. She loves hearing from readers–it keeps her in the real world–so shoot her an email or follow her on social media.
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