by Trudy Stiles
“Hi Carly and Kyle, this is Anna from Home Sweet Home Adoptions, and I have Tabitha and Seth on the line with me as well.” I hear the warmth in Anna’s voice, and it begins to soothe me although my feet are bouncing wildly on the floor as I’m planted at the kitchen table.
“Hi,” I say as my voice cracks.
Anna continues. “I will be on this call as a silent participant. It’s up to you to talk to each other. Ask any questions you want and answer any questions you feel comfortable answering. OK?”
“Yes!” Four voices sound in unison.
Kyle starts the conversation. “So, Seth? You like music?”
I can hear Tabitha softly crying in the background, so this was an excellent first move on Kyle’s part.
“Yes!” Seth answers. “I love all kinds of music, but hard rock is my favorite. What type of music do you play?”
Kyle chuckles, “Well, I only taught myself how to play five years ago, so I’m still learning. I like to play U2, Foo Fighters, Pink Floyd. I have a wide reach when it comes to likes and dislikes.”
Kyle and Seth continue a conversation about their favorite guitarists, drummers, and bands. They are talking as if they’ve known each other for years. Laughing like old friends. It’s calming me immensely, and I don’t hear Tabitha sobbing any longer.
Once they’ve reached the end of their epic music conversation, it’s quiet for a few moments.
I speak up. “Tabitha?” I hear a quiet voice on the other end of the line say “Yes?”
“Are you OK?” I ask. “Because, you know, it’s OK if you’re not.” I continue. “I can’t imagine what you are going through, and the one thing you have to know is that we are so very, very, very thankful. You are giving us a gift. We are so grateful.” I finish. “We absolutely love the name Emily. Thank you for giving her a name.”
I hear a quick sob and her voice. “I knew you were perfect as soon as I saw your profile, Carly. You are meant to be her parents.”
Then silence. It seems like the silence is going on forever. Anna jumps back on the line.
“OK. I’m so pleased, guys. This call went exactly as it was supposed to.” I can hear the pep in her voice as Kyle and I hold hands across the table and smile at each other.
“The next step is logistics. Tabitha has a doctor appointment scheduled for next Wednesday. Since you are only about an hour away, she really wants you there to see your baby.”
Tabitha quickly jumps in. “Yes, Carly, I’d like you there, but…” She trails off for a moment that makes my heart stop. “But it’s in a really bad part of Philadelphia, and I understand if you don’t want to come into the city.”
“No, I mean Yes! I’ll come! I have cousins near Philly so I can get some pointers and directions. I’ll be there!” I say as I smile. My heart is racing.
Anna concludes, “OK. So I will email you the name and address of the doctor and you’ll see each other next Wednesday at one o’clock in the afternoon.”
And with that, our first conference call is finished.
We hang up our phone and we both take deep breaths, still holding hands.
Kyle speaks first.
“OK,” he says.
“OK.” I’m smiling now.
We jump up, I throw my arms around his neck, and he kisses me so hard that I can feel it in my toes. He’s stroking my hair and pulling me close, devouring me.
We break apart to take a breath, and his eyes are glistening when he says, “I can’t believe you are going to get to see our little girl next week.”
I nod and pull him closer. I keep nodding into his broad chest and squeeze him until he can feel it in his toes.
He makes love to me all night until we are completely lost in each other.
I smile as I remember our first phone contact with Tabitha. I quietly get out of bed trying not to disturb Kyle and rush to take a shower to get ready.
~
I’m dressed and ready to go to Tabitha’s ultrasound, and I’m a nervous wreck. I’m going alone. We agreed that it would be a girls-only thing.
Kyle programs my GPS to get me into Philly by the most direct route. He’s anxious; I can tell. He’s a little twitchy and laughing nervously. He kisses me tenderly before I leave, winks, and says, “Go get ‘em killer.” He smacks me softly on my ass. I chuckle. “I’m not going up to bat, dear. I’m going to an ultrasound!” He chuckles as he closes my car door.
The hour drive goes quickly as my mind is racing with the usual questions:
What if she sees me and doesn’t like the way I look?
What if she already changed her mind and is going to let me down when I get there?
What if she and Seth decided to pick another couple?
What if – ugh!
I have to stop this.
As usual, Kyle’s navigation setup is perfect. I arrive at the clinic about ten minutes early. Tabitha is right. This place is literally in Hell.
I’m able park directly across the street from the clinic, thank goodness. The dregs of society are in the surrounding area, and suddenly I’m wishing that I had Kyle with me. He has a soft and kind heart, but at six foot-four and two hundred and ten pounds of lean muscle, he is certainly intimidating. He makes my five-foot-nine frame look small and slight.
I enter the clinic and suddenly realize that I have no idea what she looks like. She of course knows what I look like since she’s seen our adoption profile. I walk in slowly and scan the room. There is only one couple in the corner huddled together. OK, she’s not here yet.
I sit down and try to relax. I’m early. It’s OK. She will be here.
I hope.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Present
Age 21
Dear Emily,
I don’t know what to say. I don’t feel worthy to be your mother. I’m damaged. More damaged than you could ever imagine. You don’t deserve a life with me. You deserve so much more than I can give you.
Please don’t hate me. Please don’t think that you weren’t wanted.
Please don’t hate me.
Please.
I gave up my other little girl a few years ago. Your sister, Sara. I didn’t know what I was doing then, and I don’t know what I’m doing now. I may actually be getting worse.
I’m going to meet Carly in person soon. She’s coming to my next ultrasound.
She deserves you and more importantly, you deserve her. She is not damaged. She is perfect in every way.
The first time that I saw her picture in their adoption profile, I knew she would be the perfect mother to you. She is beautiful. I think you are going to look like her. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s her coloring. She reminds me of what I used to look like. Before…
She is a teacher! Oh Emily, she is so smart, and her smile will make you laugh and giggle. Her presence will put you totally at ease.
She’s your Mom and you are so lucky.
I’m jealous of her. Of her life. Of what she is. Of everything that I am not.
I think I hate her a little…
I can’t finish the letter. I tear it out of my book, crumple it up, and chuck it across the room. I’m shaking and crying, and my mind is racing. What am I doing? What are we doing? This is the right thing to do, right?
Seth has other coping mechanisms. He’s become completely obsessed with Kyle. All I hear is ‘Kyle this’ and ‘Kyle that’.
“Kyle is going to teach Emily to play guitar as early as possible.”
“Kyle is going to get her a piano when she turns seven.”
Oh. My. God.
If I hear any more about what Kyle is going to do, and how great of a father he is going to be to Emily, I might just spit! I know that Seth is enamored by the type of father
Kyle is going to be. I feel that same way about Carly.
But I’m also feeling jealousy. I’m jealous of Carly. Of Kyle.
I’m so angry with myself because I can’t cope. Not since Alex …
But Seth is OK with everything.
About our decision to give away our baby!
MY fucking baby!
When I found out I was pregnant, Seth went into full panic mode. He isn’t ready to be a father any more than I’m ready to be a mother. A real mother, like Carly.
God! I don’t even know if Seth is the father considering I slept with him just days after having unprotected sex with Alex.
But maybe, deep down, I think I do know.
Seth was here to pick up the broken pieces of me that Alex left behind.
Seth loves me, but he’s just not ready to take on additional responsibilities. He knows that we can’t handle it. I can’t handle it.
Decision made. We will move on and be happy after it’s all over. Right?
Carly is perfect. She is going to be the perfect mother, make perfect pancakes, and give Emily the perfect life.
Fucking perfect.
I wish I were perfect.
Fuck.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Present
Age 21
I’m on my way to the ultrasound. The cab drops me off about a block away from the clinic, and I scrounge up change from the bottom of my purse to pay for my fare. I have no fucking clue how I’m going to get home. Shit.
I step onto the sidewalk and stare at the clinic that I’ve been coming to since I first found out that I was pregnant. I begin to feel the same anxiety that I felt on that first visit, and I take a deep breath to try to calm myself.
I’m five minutes late. Typical. I can never get anywhere on time. It’s a curse. So many things in my life are a curse.
I’m a curse.
I’m so nervous as I walk up to the door. What if she doesn’t show up?
I walk in and Carly is the only person in the waiting room, wringing her hands together and tapping her feet nervously. Her metallic blue painted toes peep out of her flip-flops. Her long curly hair is pulled away from her face into a loose ponytail with some curls cascading around her narrow face. Her dark brown eyes seem massive against her pale skin. She’s dressed casually and comfortably. And she’s a nervous wreck.
Shit. I made her wait. She probably didn’t think I was going to show up. It’s written all over her face.
I suck.
She raises her head as soon as I walk through the door, and her nervous expression begins to melt. Suddenly, she is warm and bright as a smile transforms her face. Oh my God, her smile.
Perfect.
I walk in, and she stands, slowly walking toward me as I scribble my name on the patient sign in sheet. The office assistant looks up, nods, and gives me a weird look. She knows. She knows what I’m doing, and she hates me for it. She thinks I’m a terrible person for not wanting to keep my own baby and that I’m a monster.
Stop! I need to stop these invasive and divisive thoughts.
She doesn’t know, and she isn’t judging. Is she?
I’m talking to myself. God.
I turn to Carly, and she is now only a few feet away from me. She extends her right arm as if she wants to shake my hand so I extend my hand and she grabs it with both of hers, squeezing. Her eyes meet mine, and they are glistening. Oh God, please don’t cry! I can’t handle this as it is.
“Hi,” she says.
“Hi,” I say softly, looking away.
We don’t have much time to stand here in this awkward stance because the nurse calls me back. “Tabitha Fletcher?”
“Y-yes,” I stutter. “I’m here and so is my… friend?”
The nurse looks between the two of us, nods her head, and motions for us to go back to the exam room.
I lead as Carly follows closely behind.
Once in the exam room, the nurse instructs me to get onto the table and lie down on my back. As she is prepping my stomach with jelly, she begins asking me questions.
“How are you feeling today, Tabitha?”
“Fine.”
“Any change since your last visit?”
“Nope.”
“Any discomfort or discharges?”
Gross. “Nope.”
“Who is your friend?”
I’m silent for a moment, and Carly looks around the room as if fascinated by all of this equipment. Did she hear the question?
“She’s the… Um... She’s going to be… Um…” I’m struggling with the words and can’t seem to say them out loud.
The nurse raises her eyebrow at me and looks between the two of us as the wand hovers above my baby bump.
“She’s adopting my baby,” I say softly.
“Oh.” The nurse replies, and not missing a beat, turns to Carly. “Is this your first?”
Carly replies, “Yes, our first, and a gift. The greatest gift anyone has ever given to us.” Her dark chocolate eyes are glistening as she’s looking at the monitor. She grabs my hand and squeezes.
I suck in a breath and lay there silently as the nurse is moving the wand around my belly while snapping photos of the baby. My baby.
Carly’s baby.
The nurse speaks again. “We already know it’s a girl. We found that out at her twenty-week ultrasound. Now that we are getting closer to her due date, we like to keep tabs on the little one and make sure she is growing appropriately.”
She smiles at Carly, then at me. OK. I can do this. I think.
She takes some more measurements, wipes my baby bump clean, and takes her gloves off.
“OK, we are done here. Tabitha, you need to be sure to get your adoption plan in place with Dr. Fisher’s assistant as well as the hospital. We want to be sure everyone’s wishes are followed.” She smiles at both of us and leaves the room.
Carly and I are alone again, and my awkwardness is back. She seems almost relaxed. My stomach is in knots, and I’m petrified that she is silently judging me.
Her demeanor is still. She stands up and offers her hand to help me off of the table. Her hand is warm, and her smile is back.
“Well, that was exciting!” she says.
“Yes, it is.” I answer. Although it’s also bittersweet for me.
As we walk out into the waiting room, I take the printed ultrasound pictures and hand them to her. She seems shocked as she reaches out to take them from me.
“She’s your daughter, Carly. You should have these.”
She’s speechless.
She reaches into her purse and hands me a twenty-dollar bill. She seems embarrassed and nervous about it.
“I want to pay for your transportation to get here and maybe a cup of coffee or something. Here, take this.” She quickly shoves the bill into my palm and closes my hand around it. “That’s weird, right?” she asks.
Knowing that I need the money to walk out the door, I just stare at her and give her a small smile as I slowly shake my head. “No. I appreciate it.”
We walk toward the door together and before we walk through, she stops, grabs me, and pulls me into a tight embrace. Her tears are flowing now, and she is shaking as she is holding me. She keeps whispering, “Thank You.” She says it at least ten times.
I have no words. I can’t say anything.
I push away from her and wipe my own silent tears from my cheeks, nod and walk out the door.
She is perfect. She is not me. Therefore, she is perfect.
I hail the first cab I see and quickly get in. I don’t look back because I know it will break me.
I’m jealous. I’m jealous of her and the life that she has.
I’m a
lso now jealous of my baby. And the perfect life she is going to have.
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Past
Age 17
It’s Thursday morning. The Thursday-after-Wine-Wednesday. I’m dragging my ass, immensely hung-over. Manny, Becca, and Callie all left my room at various times last night, long after the jug of pink wine was polished off. Our red Solo cups are still piled in my sink. Are we supposed to re-use them? Whatever.
Callie was the last one to leave. Before she left, she whispered in my ear, “I know what you are going through, honey.” She kissed my forehead as I drifted off to sleep.
She knows what I’m going through? This will most certainly be a topic for an upcoming Wine Wednesday.
We agreed to meet at the clinic on campus by ten-thirty in the morning, and I’ve already blown off my Biology lab this morning at eight-thirty. This is going to continue to be a problem if Wine Wednesdays do indeed stay.
I run my fingers through my long curly hair then wrap it up into a messy bun. I pull on my stretch pants, long sleeved Nirvana concert t-shirt and step into my flip-flops. I grab a scarf, my jacket and head out the door.
The walk across campus is chilly, and I huddle in my jacket to keep warm. I’m looking down, trying not to make eye contact with anyone and end up walking right into a wall.
A person.
A wall of a person.
Oh. My. God.
Todd.
I nearly vomit in my mouth. His eyes are like razors as he looks down at me and grins. “Hey. You?”
After what he did to me, he still doesn’t know my fucking name.
I stare blankly at him. “Carly, it’s Carly. Remember? Halloween. Remember?” I don’t know where my attitude and strength is coming from, but I’m glad I’m not cowering away from him.
He stiffens a little bit, chuckles nervously, and says, “Yeah, uh, Carly. Right. Pussycat. Hot night. I’ll see you around.”
He winks and then saunters off, continuing the conversation with one of his buddies.