by Trudy Stiles
I flop into the chair across from the washing machine and turn up my MP3 player to “Dammit”, the next Blink-182 song on my playlist.
Yeah seems about right.
~
Several hours and loads of laundry later, I’m finished! I lug the over-flowing basket of Kyle’s clean laundry to his room. His door is slightly open so I gracefully kick it open and throw both his laundry and myself inside the room.
He’s sitting on his bed with a girl next to him. An extremely gorgeous girl leans into his side. Fuck! I clearly just interrupted something. My heart drops in my chest and I feel tears stinging my eyes. He has someone. Oh no.
‘Oh’ is about all I can get out. “I was just bringing the rest of your laundry, Kyle.” I drop the basket in the open doorway and leave. Crap, I can’t get out of here fast enough!
“Wait! Carly!” He’s calling after me. He’s now in the hallway behind me and seems apologetic. “I’ll see you at noon, right?”
“Yes, see you at noon.”
I turn to the stairs that lead to my floor.
OK, we’re just friends.
Friends that do laundry together.
Nothing more.
Fuck.
Spring Lake, New Jersey
Present
Age 29
Dear Emily,
I can’t believe that soon you will be here, in our arms, in our lives. Just a few weeks away!
We are ready for you sweetheart. So very ready.
We love you so much already.
See you soon.
Love,
Momma & Daddy
I finish jotting down this quick note to Emily, and when I hear the garage door open, close my journal. Kyle!
I tuck the journal into my night table, and walk down the stairs to meet him. Portraits line the stairway, and I notice the smiling faces of our families. This is a wall of hope. A wall of love. Our family is about to become a ‘forever family’. An open spot at the bottom is reserved for our first family portrait with Emily. I touch the bare wall and smile.
Kyle emerges from the garage as I enter the kitchen. His arms are full of groceries and goodies from the wine store. It’s Wednesday, and we are expecting our friends for our weekly get together.
He places the groceries on the granite counter top of the center island in the kitchen and reaches out to me.
“Hey Babe,” he says softly as he pulls me into an embrace. He drops his lips to my neck and places small kisses just under my ear. He knows how much this drives me crazy, and I’m already on fire from head to toe. His onslaught of kisses and nips are building into a frenzy. I start to wiggle in his arms.
“Kyle,” I sigh. “They’re going to be here any minute!” I giggle as he wraps his arms around me and begins to playfully tickle my ribs.
I’m just about out of breath from laughing so hard when our back door flies open.
Kyle and I release each other quickly, and he turns, adjusting himself to hide his arousal.
“Becca!” I exclaim.
Becca enters the kitchen a little slowly with a huge smile on her face. “It seems I’ve interrupted something. Someone is always interrupting something with you two.” Laughing, she places canvas bags onto the center island next to the bags that Kyle brought in earlier.
“Oh, it was nothing,” I lie. If we had continued our antics any longer, I would have been on the center island next to the groceries!
“Well, as long as nothing interferes with Wine Wednesday!” She laughs and skips toward me pulling me into her arms. We hug each other tightly, and she kisses my cheek.
“Hey now! That’s my girl!” Kyle says while laughing, pretending to be jealous.
She unpacks the bags that she brought with her. Cheese, crackers, and two bottles of wine are placed on the counter. “So, how was your lunch with Tabitha today?” She asks casually.
“That’s a topic of discussion for later, chick!” Callie exclaims from behind us. We didn’t hear her come into the kitchen.
She hugs Becca then me and places her satchel on the counter.
“Girls, seriously, what is with all of the food? There’s enough here for the entire weekend. Did I miss something?” Kyle is surveying the goodies as he’s pulling out crackers and eating them.
“Hey, we can’t come empty handed!” Callie states.
We arrange all of the snack foods onto serving trays and bring them into the family room. We have an oversized leather sectional couch that can comfortably seat up to eight people. When we host Wine Wednesday, we’ve been known to fall asleep together on this couch; it’s that comfortable and spacious.
We start to take our places on the couch when the doorbell rings.
Kyle answers the door and is immediately pulled into a bro hug. Manny is here!
Me, Callie and Becca squeal with delight! Our night has officially begun.
“Ladies,” Manny states, looking around the room.
“Manny!” We shout almost in unison. We all jump up and take turns hugging him. He gets to me, lifts me into his arms, and squeezes tight. “Hey Car,” he says softly into my ear.
I smile as he puts me down onto the floor.
He hands Kyle a large bag and walks past him stating, “You can take care of that, right buddy?”
Kyle huffs and brings the bag into the kitchen. He really is so tolerant of our friends!
I flop back onto the couch between Becca and Callie when Manny hands me my glass of pinot noir. Our collective taste in wine has exponentially increased.
“Becca, who is that guy with you in that picture on your Facebook page? He is hot!” Manny is always so subtle.
Becca looks around the room and we all silently stare at her, awaiting her answer. I don’t remember seeing the picture on Facebook, but I have admittedly been preoccupied lately.
“What picture?” Becca asks elusively.
“Seriously Bec! C’mon!” Manny is insistent.
She is silently looking around the room hoping we all drop the topic. Too bad for her, we are all waiting intently for her answer.
She takes a deep breath and begins, “Well, his name is Lance and we just met a few weeks ago. He’s a personal trainer and owns his own fitness company. He’s… very nice.”
Manny’s jaw drops and Callie asks, “Personal trainer? Are you a client?”
Becca doesn’t answer immediately, and Kyle enters the room with a tray of snacks.
“Kyle!” Becca says a little too enthusiastically. “Here, let me help you with that.” She jumps up and reaches for the tray. She seems happy for the distraction, and I’m sure she hopes the subject will change.
“Becca?” Callie interjects. “What’s the deal with Lance?”
Becca’s smile is now infectious, and she answers, “Ask me again in a few weeks.” She winks at Manny who is still dumbfounded. I’m assuming he’s imagining a personal training session with Lance, shirtless.
I laugh out loud at this vision and turn to Becca. “Honey, you just tell us all about him when you are ready.” I reach out and squeeze her hand and her eyes soften.
“Becca, I’m with Manny. I want to know what is going on!” Kyle says. He is smiling playfully at all of us as his eyes sparkle. God, I love him! I want to jump into his arms and squeeze him until he can’t breathe! GAH!
“Guys, seriously, I don’t want to jinx things. Lance is really great, and we are taking things slow. OK?” Becca is a bit more forceful in her delivery, and we all look around the room at each other.
I nod. “OK Bec, tell us when you are ready, but I think I speak on behalf of all of us when I say, ‘Shit girl!’”
We all laugh and Manny claps his hands and stands as he applauds her. “Becca, good for you! If he’s ho
t and you don’t want him any longer, send him my way! You know how much I love fit men.”
Kyle settles onto the couch and wraps his arms around me. He leans into my neck, inhales deeply, and kisses my shoulder. I melt into his arms. I need to get my physical response under control! After all these years, his touch still makes my belly clench. His kiss travels up my neck and he places a wet kiss on the side of my neck. I inhale deeply and lean back into him.
“Guys, seriously, get a fucking room!” Manny bellows.
I giggle and place my hands on Kyle’s legs.
“Becca, we’re happy for you, and we certainly don’t need details on your love life. We just want to know if you are happy,” Kyle says while nuzzling into my ear. My entire body reacts and comes alive. Shit, everyone just got here, and I’m ready to take Kyle upstairs and ravage him!
Becca can’t hide her huge smile and her eyes light up. “Thanks guys.”
That is the end of that!
Becca is private to begin with, so I understand her reservations about sharing a relatively new relationship with our crazy group. She is looking away, and we all react to her silence.
“So Carly, anything new with Tabitha?” Manny asks nonchalantly.
I pause briefly as Kyle squeezes my waist.
“I had lunch with her last week.” I take a deep breath. I want to share with my best friends how happy and confident I am that this is going to happen, but a small part of me is guarded and worried that Emily is not going to be ours. When we had lunch together, I saw something so slight in Tabitha’s eyes that indicated something, like regret. I shake my head. Regardless of how much I think this adoption is going to happen, I still have to guard my heart.
“It’s good, for now…”
My friends all stare at me silently. The concern on their faces is evident, and I’m waiting for the next statement. I’m afraid to share my fears, worried they may indeed become reality. It already feels like Emily is part of our family and I’m terrified that may never happen.
“Car, what’s up?” Callie asks.
“I know guys, it’s just…,” I start, pause, and start again. “Well, I am just worried. I’m worried that Tabitha is going to change her mind. That’s normal, right?”
Becca speaks up. “Yes, Car, it’s completely normal. Why wouldn’t you have those feelings? I mean she is giving up her baby. If she didn’t have second thoughts, I’d think she was crazy. Seriously, it’s OK for you to be worried. But just try to keep everything in perspective. You’ve had some good interactions with her, and she seems to be committed to her plan. Just hang in there, OK?”
“You know, Carly,” Callie chimes in, “I totally agree with what Becca is saying. Tabitha needs to go through all of the emotions of what is about to happen to accept the finality of it. It’s like she’s going through the grieving process and she has not yet lost her child. Her emotions are going to be all over the place, and so are yours. Ride this out and I just know it’s going to happen, honey.”
“Car, it’s a done deal.” Manny turns to Becca. “What’s not a done deal is you and Lance. C’mon, Becca!” Manny is now whining. “Give us the scoop!”
This is why I love my friends. They let me share my insecurities and make me feel validated and at ease.
Manny fills our wine glasses, raises his own, and toasts. “To us! Carly and Kyle as you begin the life that you’ve always dreamed of and welcome a little girl into your home. Becca, may you enjoy many sleepless nights with your hunk of a man. Callie, just for being you and a constant pillar of support in our family.” He puts his glass to his lips and takes a sip.
“To Manny!” Callie says, “The Wine Wednesday founder and chairman!”
We all clink our glasses and finish off what wine we have left.
I settle back into Kyle’s chest and rest my head into his shoulder.
Kyle chuckles behind me and whispers in my ear. “It’s OK, Carly. Emily is our daughter, and nothing is going to happen to change that. I can feel it. I promise.” He kisses my neck lightly and now all is right with the world.
I believe him.
His promises are always forever.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Present
Age 21
Dear Emily,
I’m getting ready to say goodbye to you, little girl. Carly and I had lunch again today, and the more time I spend with her the more comfortable I am with my decision. We had a wonderful lunch, and I saw what type of mother she is going to be. She and Kyle are going to be perfect parents for you. You will be a part of a perfect family.
I have some things that I’ll be giving Carly and Kyle for you.
I’m finding it hard to part with a blanket that Trina made for me when I first went to live with her as a baby. It’s a knitted blanket with pink, green, and yellow blocks in a checkerboard pattern. It’s still so soft. The corners are worn because Trina told me that I used to rub the blanket between my fingers to soothe myself to sleep. I want you to have this blanket always. A piece of me.
I also want you to have two pictures.
Alex and Seth.
One of these men is your father. They each hold a special place in my heart and someday I will try to share with Carly and Kyle as much about each of them as I can.
I hope you understand some day why I made the decision that I have.
I love you sweet girl.
Hugs,
Mommy -Tabitha
Man, this is getting harder and harder every day. In about three weeks, my baby will be born and then she’ll be gone. I feel like I’m on a death march over the hill and around the bend I’ll be slaughtered. I’m walking over that preverbal hill knowing full well that my life as I know it will abruptly end. I won’t have Emily. She’ll be gone.
I sob as I sign my name to the letter. My tears fall over my cheeks and the scars of my past. I swipe at my eyes and place the letter into a large envelope along with the others I have written.
I rub my baby bump as I feel Emily moving and kicking. She has been so active these past few weeks. It’s as if she knows something is up and can sense the anxiety that I’m feeling.
“Everything will be OK, baby,” I whisper as I rub my belly.
I’m startled as my phone rings. “Hello?” I answer quickly.
“Tabitha, hi. It’s Lisa from Home Sweet Home Adoptions.” Lisa is my social worker and has held my hand throughout this entire gut wrenching process.
“Hi, Lisa.”
“I’m calling to check in on you to see how you are doing? I understand that you’ve had a conference call with Carly and Kyle as well as an ultrasound since we last spoke. How’d everything go?” Lisa asks.
“Good, Lisa. I’m happy with how things are progressing. I’m just… I’m just so sad. I’m afraid of this pregnancy coming to an end. But I know that I’m doing the right thing for Emily and for me.”
“Tabitha, anytime you need to talk about anything, I am here. I’m here to help you come to terms with your decision and handle your emotions. You have my cell number and can call me anytime.”
“Yes, Lisa, I know. And thank you.”
“OK, so the other reason for my call is to move forward with some of the logistics. We have your hospital plan all set, so the staff at University Medical Center is aware of your plans for adoption. There will be a social worker, Michelle, to help you through everything you need to do.”
As she is speaking, I’m realizing how much more real this is. I’m starting to panic again and I try to relax myself.
“Michelle will work with Carly and Kyle to make sure that all of your wishes at the hospital are followed.”
“OK,” I say softly.
“Next, we have to work with your attorney to start posting legal notices for the absent
ee potential birth father. These are going to be posted in area newspapers for the next thirty to sixty days. This notice is typically a formality, but when we deal with situations where a birth father is unknown or absent, we are required by law to post these notices. It gives him the opportunity to come forward and claim his child.”
“I understand. You know that I tried to reach him once. He’s finished with me, Lisa. So post what you need to post, but he won’t come forward. I’m sure of it.”
“In addition, you will be receiving a package shortly for Seth. As he is currently involved in your life and since he’s a potential birth father, he will need to sign his revocation agreements, as well. You mentioned that he would do this, correct?” she asks.
“Yes, he will sign them right away. He’s very sure of his decision, Lisa.” I wipe tears from my cheeks.
“Finally,” Lisa continues. “Carly and Kyle have signed an agreement consenting to open communications throughout Emily’s life. They’ve agreed to send pictures and letters to you at least twice a year until she turns eighteen. They’ve also openly stated that they will consider future visits with Emily if you so choose. I know this is a lot to think about right now, but I have to tell you that I’ve seen open adoption arrangements such as this work splendidly as long as both sides maintain certain boundaries.”
Wow. I hadn’t even thought about any of this. I honestly don’t know how to react. Would I be able to handle seeing Emily when she’s older? Knowing that I didn’t raise her? What would she be told about me? This prospect scares me, and I’m not sure what to say.
“Do you have any questions Tabitha?” Lisa asks.
“No, you’ve covered just about everything that I need to know. I’ll call you if I think of anything. Thanks Lisa.” I cover my mouth and stifle a sob as I hang up the phone.
This is becoming far too real, and I’m not sure that I’m ready for what’s next.
“Hey Tabby,” Seth says softly as he stands in my bedroom doorway.
“Oh!” I’m startled. I didn’t hear him come into my apartment.