by L. B. Dunbar
A tear falls from Lena’s eye, and I realize my own are clouded.
“I was embarrassed.” I look over at Emily, who watches me with concern and compassion written on her face. “I knew better. I should have left after the first touch, and I didn’t.”
Emily nods as if she understands, and I turn back to the child who’s officially a woman before me.
“I wanted a baby,” I admit. “For some silly reason, I thought having a family would help. More absurd thoughts from an intelligent woman.” I shake my head, admonishing myself.
Lena stares at me, another tear falling.
“A baby would be the answer, right? I’d show him we could be a family. Only, he didn’t want kids. He resented raising Levi, his younger brother, but I figured a child of his own would be different.” My own eyes prickle, and I swallow the lump in my throat.
“Trent conceded the idea after my dad died, and I think he did it just to shut me up.” When my father suddenly passed, my interest in a child seemed to double. I was thirty at that point, and Trent and I had been married eight years. My dad knew I wanted to be a mom more than anything else. He died without knowing the grandchildren I hadn’t given him. “When I got pregnant, Trent wasn’t happy.”
“Oh my God,” Emily gasps, her fingers tightening on my forearm.
“It was only a push, but I fell and landed funny. The baby should have been protected. Everything I read said the baby was safe deep inside me, but something happened.”
I turn to Emily with tears I don’t feel falling from my eyes.
“That’s when I knew. That’s when I finally wised up. I left the hospital after losing the baby and went straight to my mother’s house.”
“When was this?” Emily asks softly.
“The beginning of June.”
“That was only five months ago,” she reminds me.
“And I was almost ten weeks along when it happened.” I’d have been having a baby in a few months if it had all worked out. “It wasn’t meant to be,” I add, repeating the words my mother had offered. She’d held my hand and encouraged me to believe that the baby wasn’t meant to be because it tied me to Trent, and I needed to get out.
“I’m so sorry,” Emily says beside me. “I didn’t know.”
“No one except my mother does,” I say, turning back to Lena. “Because smart girls don’t get into these situations, right? It’s the hashtag ‘me too’ era, and we know better, yet it still happens. We think we’re in love. We think ‘he’ll change for me.’ We think, he accepts me. Even when we see the signs and know all the stories of how it isn’t true for other women, it’s not going to happen to us. We’re too smart for this. Those are the lies we tell ourselves when we’re blinded because we want something so badly.”
So badly, I let my husband hurt me in hopes of getting that baby.
Lena’s tears freely fall, as do mine, and I’m certain the people at the next table wonder what the hell is happening at ours.
“Lena, I want you to do a few things for me,” I say, wiping the tears from my cheeks. “I want you to know this was not your fault. If you loved him, you made decisions with that love. Whatever his motive, whatever his thought process, that’s on him, not you. Learn the lessons I didn’t. Take care of you first. Accept help when it’s offered. Or hell, even ask for it.”
She stares at me, disbelief in her eyes. I had that same look myself. I was too afraid to tell others what happened to me and too embarrassed to ask for help to get me out of the situation with Trent.
“I want you to finish high school and apply to college. Promise me you’ll still go to college. Apply for scholarships or get loans. Do whatever it takes.” I reach for her hands again, and she lifts hers to mine. I squeeze her hands, remembering the pride in her voice when she’d said she would be the first in her family to attend a university. I don’t want her to lose that dream.
“I trust you to make the right decision for you, and I want you to trust me. I’m just a phone call away for anything you need.”
I’m still holding Lena’s hands while she faces me when I hear heavy boot steps behind me, and Lena’s eyes widen. Her expression hardens. His voice hits me like a sucker punch.
“Lena, what’s wrong? Why are you . . .?” His voice fades, but I don’t look up. I release his sister’s hands and slide my own under the table.
“Leon.” Emily states his name with disapproval.
“Emily?” Her name cracks in his throat. “Tricia?” I close my eyes, hoping they hide my tears. Fingers come to my chin, but I flinch away from his touch, looking up and spearing him with my glare.
“Don’t touch me,” I whisper, and his eyes widen in surprise. Those beautiful silver eyes express confusion, then shift to concern and eventually close off.
“What are you doing here?” He ignores the tears dried on my cheeks. My mascara must be a mess of streaks, but I don’t care. It’s time to leave.
“We were just finished,” I say, reaching for my purse and pushing back my seat, forcing Leon to step aside. I stand, and Lena follows my lead.
Leon reaches out for my arm, stopping my retreat, and I peer down at his fingers on my arm. “Just tell me what you’re doing here.”
My chest rises and falls in exaggerated, heavy breaths. I need air.
“I’ll pay for our drinks,” Emily says softly, and I tug my arm from Leon’s grasp.
“You’re wrong, Tricia.” Lena looks from her brother to me. “Men are the stupid ones. So stupid.” She glares at her brother.
“You—” Leon turns on his sister. “How did you get here?”
“I drove,” she admits, crossing her arms in defiance. He gives her a smirk, and she glares back at him. “Fix this.” Lena points back and forth between Leon and me, directing her demand at him. “Be smart for once.”
Leon doesn’t respond, and Lena steps closer to me, wrapping me in a hug me in the middle of the coffee shop. “Don’t let him go,” she whispers before pulling away. Too quickly, she’s pushing her way through the exit, and both Leon and I call her name. I turn to him, narrowing my eyes in disappointment, and then follow his sister outside. Once outside, I see Lena’s quickly made it down the sidewalk, and I call out her name again. She doesn’t turn but picks up her pace, running the remaining distance down the sidewalk to her old Jeep.
My arms flail out to my side and slap down on my thighs. Now what?
“Tricia?” Leon’s voice behind me begs me to turn to him, and I close my eyes, praying for strength. Slowly, I spin to face him. I glare at pewter eyes that lit my world and then burned it to the ground. I steady myself against the pain ripping me apart. “I’m—”
“Don’t say sorry,” I snap, surprised at the sharpness of my own voice. “Men always say sorry without truly apologizing.”
His head hangs, and he scrubs at the back of his neck. “It’s not what you think.”
“What I think? You don’t know what I think. What I know is one moment we’re making love, and the next, you’re racing out of my house.” His head snaps up, and more tears streak down my face. Dammit, I don’t want to cry. He steps closer to me, but I step back, holding up a hand.
“You shut me out,” I tell him. Days of no calls, no texts. “It was all a lie, wasn’t it? Just shirts and skin.” The words are bitter on my lips. “You’re a lie I told myself while hoping you were true,” I say, speaking more to myself than to him. I’m a damn fool.
“No, baby. It is real,” Leon says. He takes another step forward, but I take another step back.
“Not real enough, I guess. A real man doesn’t run away like that. He reaches out for the help offered. He welcomes the support. He holds true to the person who’s been there the most.” With the little I know of Leon Ramirez’s history, I’m certain I’ve been present for him more than others have. I refuse to believe I’m not good enough for him.
“You told me you didn’t need promises, Leon. But I do. I promised myself.” I promised myself I wouldn�
��t be stupid again.
“What promises did you make?” he questions, his eyes filled with a pain I can’t accept. I don’t know what to think of the man before me. Is that remorse? Is that regret?
“No,” I snap. “I’m done opening myself up and getting stomped on instead.”
“Don’t say that. That’s not what happened,” he says, his tone turning more defensive.
“Right now, I’m not certain what happened between us.” It’s true, and it hurts to admit.
“It was real, Tricia. It’s the realest thing to happen to me. Don’t walk away.”
“Me?” I shriek. “You walked away, Leon. You left, not me.”
“I don’t want to lose you. I’ve just got a lot of shit going on.”
I scoff at his statement. I understand where he’s coming from. I have a crazy, not-yet-ex-husband still wreaking havoc on my life.
“Nobody has it perfect, Leon.”
He huffs back at me, and I’m just done. I hold up a hand, eyes flaming as I speak to him. “You know where I live, Leon. Good luck with your shit.” It’s acidic and almost spiteful, but the stab to my chest is so painful I can’t breathe. Without a second thought, I turn and give him my back, just as he gave his to me.
Lesson 22
Be true to only you.
[Leon]
“Revenge . . .” my best friend, AJ, says to me as I stand in his pawn shop. It’s been days since Tricia stood on the sidewalk only blocks from my parents’ apartment, and I’d had a surreal moment of disbelief. She’d been here, standing before me, a woman broken by me but still fierce in spirit. And she hates me. “It’s sweet, but what does it really get you in the end?”
When I returned to Chicago, the first person I called was Alejandro. He’s short and squat with deep, dark eyes and straight black hair that spikes all over his head because of the short cut. He was my brother from another, and we’d been tight our entire lives. It killed me to walk away from him, but three years in the clink separates friends. Still, I’d needed him when I returned, and I knew he’d have my back. I’d been on the hunt for my sister.
When she told me what happened, my hunt turned to Hector.
Eighteen years ago, Hector Ortiz killed my brother, and I’ve hated him with a passion that burned my insides until I went to prison.
When I got out, I wanted peace.
Now that things with Lena have happened, I’ve propelled back eighteen years without much heart and with a whole different perspective. I can’t go through this again. Hatred consumes. It burns. It ruins. I’d been given a second chance at life, only my vision has fogged once more.
Was the second chance to avenge Israel and seek revenge for Lena? Or was my second chance the love shown to me by a good woman?
Lena was a little girl playing in the big boys’ lot, and she’d gotten burned. She hadn’t understood how the charm of her developing figure led the devil himself to her. I don’t think Lena ever knew just how bad he was. She didn’t know Israel. He was a ghost haunting our parents, and my sister has no connection to him. It’s like finding out your mother’s cousin two times removed has passed away, and you’re like, eh, that’s sad. They’re family, but you don’t feel anything for the loss.
Myself? I can’t get over the loss.
And now my sister is pregnant. There’s a new life blooming inside her, tethering the killer of my brother to my little sister. I feel sick.
Plus, we finally got a call from my parents. Deported. They aren’t coming back.
How is my life just one mess after another?
“Is it worth the risk? Do you want to go back to jail? For what? Did you like you there so much?” AJ teases, but his tone is serious as he stands behind a glass counter in his shop. He’s done well for himself. It’s not something I’d want, but I’m not certain what I want anymore.
Visions of green-brown eyes filter through my thoughts. Cool skin. Soft sheets. A willing body.
God, she hates me, and I can’t even say her anger isn’t justified. I didn’t mean to disappear. I just focused on Lena. Being here messed with my head.
“Will it bring back Israel?” AJ interjects. I straighten from the case I’ve been leaning against and glare at my oldest friend. “Will it help Lena and the baby?” His dark eyes search my face. “A baby, man.”
My friend is a little too happy about my sister’s pregnancy. I don’t recall him ever liking little kids, but things change. People change. He has three of his own.
“You can see that baby as a gift. Hector took a life, and then he gave one back.”
I reach for AJ, yanking him over his counter by his stupid plaid shirt. “That is not how it works.”
AJ laughs. His hand circles my wrist, and he tugs himself free from my grip. “Fuck you, man. You know what I mean.”
I don’t.
There is no comparison. My brother is dead. My sister is pregnant by his killer.
“We were kids,” AJ says as if that explains everything. Hector had been doing what he was told just as I’d done what was asked of me. I’d jumped in at seventeen. At thirty-one, I’d been ready to get out. Stealing cars got old. Roughing people up drained me. I’d been on my last assignment when I got caught.
Eighteen long years, and I just wanted a new life.
“Heard about the piece outside the coffee shop. Was that her?”
“Don’t you talk about her,” I snap, ready to reach for him again.
I look around the pawn shop. Grimy windows. Shelves piled with stuff. Carpet that gives the place a musty scent. I don’t know what I’m doing here. AJ and I no longer have anything in common. He has an old lady and three little mouths to feed. He runs a business, and he’s out. He’s been out for a long time.
He watches me, his lips slowly curling into a smile as though he knows something I don’t. “You found a good woman, right? She’s everything clean and good.” Under the influence of too much tequila the other night, I’d told AJ I met someone but let her slip away. “You had it, man, so why do you want to give that up?” He holds my gaze. “It won’t bring him back. Let her fill the void.”
My chest feels like a rocket shot through me. I gasp for air at his words. Nothing will fill the hole of my brother’s passing. He’d been my best friend. I was supposed to look out for him. He died in my arms.
I feel like it’s all happening again. I’m responsible for my sister. She’s pregnant by a killer.
“I’ll always feel hunted,” I tell him. My senses have heightened since returning here. My parents’ apartment—well, the one they used to have—isn’t where it all happened. Considering the back rent was due for several months, the eviction notice on the door of the first place I went to look for Lena wasn’t a surprise. However, I’m not far enough from the front steps where their son was shot dead.
“He was caught in the crossfire,” AJ reminds me, and while I know it might have been, I’ll also never know for certain. Israel was close to getting mixed up. I’d been in trouble, but I wasn’t on the brink like him. Then he’d died, and I took his place. “And you aren’t a target. You served your time. You got out. You’re branded.”
AJ knows about the mark. He wears his own. Branded for life. Always one of them, but now an exile.
“They know I’m back?” I question. I’ve been asking around, seeking out that weasel Hector. AJ shrugs.
“And they’ll forget you when you leave. Make a life somewhere else.” AJ stares at me, dispensing his advice while he still lives within miles of where we grew up. Where he caused all his trouble. He lives a happily ever after here, but he knows I’m not happy to be back.
“You should come with me,” I offer weakly.
“And give all this up?” He holds out his hands, waving around the dirty shop stacked with junk and reeking of mold.
My nose twitches—pure, clean, fresh—this place is not it.
“This is my city,” he interjects, pride in his voice. “I like the noise, the lights, the busyness
.” His eyes follow a woman walking around his store, and I realize some things never change completely. You can take a man off the market, but he’s still going to check out the goods.
“What do I do about my sister?”
“Leave her here.” AJ chuckles as if it’s that easy.
“She’s only eighteen.”
He cocks his head at me. “Leon, at eighteen, what the hell were you doing?”
“That’s exactly why I want to protect her.” I was living off the street. Doing drugs. Getting drunk. Stealing shit to prove my worth. I don’t want that for my sister. She has plans—college.
“Want her to stay with me?” AJ offers.
I stare at my oldest friend. “I can’t ask that of you. You already have three kids. What would Theresa say?” His wife is a hot piece in her own right, and I don’t know what AJ did to score her, but he’s a lucky man, and she’s dedicated to him.
“Theresa might love it. Lena could help a bit with the kids, and when her time comes, we can help her place the baby.”
Lena’s already told me she plans to give the baby up for adoption. I don’t know how she’ll part with her own kid, but she’s also still a kid herself. It’s such a tough decision.
“Then she’ll go to college like she wants,” AJ interjects.
Yeah. That’s what I want for her, too.
We stand in silence a second while I consider his offer. It’s a lot to ask of my friend.
“I promised her I’d keep her safe,” I mutter, watching the woman walk out of AJ’s shop and feeling nothing while looking at her. I promised all my girls—Lena, Lys, and Tricia. Jesus, how is Lys? I didn’t even get the chance to ask, but I texted her as soon as Tricia walked away from me. I’m a terrible brother. I’m a terrible man. Tricia hates me, but no more than I hate myself.