He grinned and swept her into his arms. “I love you. Do you know that?”
“So you’ve said.” She flashed him a teasing smile. “I might just be starting to believe you too.”
“Just starting? That’s not good enough.” He kissed her. “I’ll have to prove myself to you tonight. Mate you. Bind myself to you in every possible way, so the world knows you belong to me.”
“Soul-bound to me? Are you sure you really want to take that risk? I’d understand if you didn’t.”
“Yes.” He rested his cheek against her hair. “I never want to be separated from you.”
“Then it’s a good thing I’m your true mate, isn’t it?”
He tightened his hold on her. All those years he’d cursed himself for not being able to take a mate seemed like a blessing. It still left him feeling guilty for the hell his pack had suffered, but for the first time, he couldn’t help but wonder if the spirit wolf hadn’t been behind his lack of interest in females. Or maybe it had been the gods themselves. No matter the reason, the end result was the same.
He’d found his heaven, and he was doubly blessed.
He rested his cheek on the top of her head and glanced at Noah. “It is. A very good thing.”
Chapter Nineteen
The older home at the base of the hill drew Noah’s gaze. He scanned the grounds around it one last time, then focused on the patch of woods where he knew a Kagan pack protector lay hidden. Nic had introduced Noah to him. Chris was the shifter’s name. The male had appeared capable of defending Hannah if the need arose, but the deadened look in his eyes hadn’t invited conversation. Fine by Noah. He had no interest in uncovering anyone else’s demons. He had his own to contend with.
“Visit your mate’s grave, then leave.”
Noah turned at Nic’s sharp command. Arms crossed over his chest, the Kagan alpha leaned against a nearby tree. “I have every right to go to Mindy’s grave.”
After she died, her Aunt Nona had appealed to Michael for the right to bury Mindy on Kagan soil. Michael had agreed without batting an eye. Or getting Noah’s approval.
Nic dipped his head in acknowledgment. “I’m not arguing that, but the day of the full moon is a popular time for shifters to visit their loved ones’ gravesites. Seeing a Tanner male here will not be a welcome sight.”
Which was why Ethan had asked Nic to place a Kagan protector on guard over Hannah instead of allowing Noah to remain. They didn’t need the hostility, Ethan had reasoned. Noah had agreed only because he didn’t doubt the Kagan pack’s ability to keep Hannah safe.
“That’s not right, and you know it. I’m not a threat.” Noah motioned toward the open patch of ground dotted with headstones. “Besides, Mindy should not even be here. She was my mate, and she was born into the Tanner pack.”
Nic raised a hand. “I’m not going to argue. In fact, I agree. Doesn’t change anything.”
No, it didn’t, and he was done fighting the past. Letting it go was the reason he remained on Kagan land in the first place. Noah pivoted on his heel and strode toward the cemetery. It was time to put his demons to rest.
“There’s no reason why it should be like this. You should be able to come and go as you please.”
Nic’s statement froze Noah in place feet from the graveyard. He shoved a lock of his hair out of his eyes, then glanced over his shoulder. “Yeah, well, like you said, Tanner shifters aren’t welcome.”
“I’m going to work on improving our pack relations. I hope soon you won’t feel unwelcome.”
“That’s a very idealistic goal, but it’ll never happen. Our wolves won’t allow it. We’re urged to protect our own, and that involves keeping anything that might be a danger away from our weaker members.” Or at least that was how it was supposed to work.
Nic shrugged. “Our pack spirits might be different, but all packs are linked together through years of interpack matings. We’re cousins, uncles, brothers, and friends. Those are bonds we cherish, no matter which pack we belong to.” Nic motioned toward Noah with a jerk of his chin. “Are you going to tell me you wouldn’t fight to protect Sean or Quinn if they were in danger?”
“No, but that’s our human side. Our wolves—”
“Were always meant to supplement us, not dominate us. Did you know that?” Nic raised a brow. “They say the gods tried to create the ultimate warrior by binding animal and man. Their intention had been to make their warriors more cunning and aggressive. It didn’t work out the way they’d hoped.”
“So I’ve heard some of the elders say. Many shifters no longer care to hypothesize about our origins or the gods. Only the spirit wolf matters to us. Without it, we wouldn’t exist.”
Nic inclined his head. “True. The gods no longer touch our lives, but there was a time when they spoke to our alphas through the spirit wolf. Some even made deals with them like the first Jager male had.”
Noah tensed. “Deal? What kind of deal?”
“One that guaranteed they’d only be able to bond with their true mate.” Nic shrugged. “I don’t know the details of the story. Nona wrote down the tale. I can let you borrow it if you’re interested, but many viewed the deal as a curse, not a blessing, and called the Jager family fools.”
Ethan’s lack of response to women. And other men. In light of Nic’s revelation, it made perfect sense. Damn if it didn’t make Noah feel pleased too. He’d been right. Both Ethan and Hannah were his.
“Please do. I enjoy reading about our history.” And Ethan would devour the saga of his family.
“Of course. It’s interesting reading, but the time of the gods’ influence on our lives has passed. We’ve been left to fend for ourselves, which is why it only makes sense we look out for each other, especially with so many changes hovering on the horizon.”
“You mean now that some of the humans know about us.”
Nic nodded. “It’s only a matter of time before everyone learns our secret. When it happens, we need to be prepared. Not just the Kagan pack. All shifters.”
Noah wouldn’t argue that. “By building a safety net, one where shifters look out for each other, not just their pack mates.”
“Adapt, migrate, or die.” Nic smirked. “I heard a human say that at one of our board meetings. He was talking about the volatile marketplace, but it applies to our situation as well. There are few places left for us to hide, and giving up isn’t part of our nature.”
“So that leaves adapting.”
“Yeah, and one of the first things we need to do is let go of the strict separation between packs we’ve grown accustomed to. We need each other, now more than ever. We also need to keep those humans sympathetic to us close, which is why I approved of the Shifter Affairs’ building to be located here. I want humans to see us as their neighbors and friends, not an abomination to be feared.”
Noah sighed. “It’s a good plan, but it won’t be easy.”
“Change never is but I’m confident it’ll happen.” Nic pointed in the direction of the ceremonial circle. “Nobody ever thought the spirit wolf would bless a same-sex union, but it happened. So will this.”
Noah thought back to the sense of acceptance he’d experienced the night before while he’d loved Hannah. “Maybe the Kagan spirit wolf believes the same thing you do—adapt, migrate, or die.”
Nic chuckled. “Maybe. If our spirit wolf hadn’t blessed Chris and John’s union, they would’ve left the pack and moved to a human city. Homosexuality isn’t a choice. Acceptance is. My dad understood that.”
Noah hoped Nic remembered his words in a few days once word got out about Noah’s involvement in Hannah and Ethan’s relationship.
“I’ll support you. So will Hannah and Ethan.” Noah motioned to Mindy’s grave. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to visit Mindy before I’m kicked out.”
Noah turned his back on Nic and strode toward the
small granite headstone near the center of the cemetery, then crouched next to Mindy’s grave. For a long time, he simply stared at her name and the dates marking her short life. Emotions choked him, but they always did whenever he thought about her. No matter how many years had passed, the loss of her hurt.
Part of him felt guilty for still loving her, as if his feelings for her were a betrayal to Hannah. They weren’t. He knew it. Hannah had only been a child when he’d been with Mindy, and their relationship had been different.
They’d been friends first and lovers second, even after they’d mated.
Maybe time would’ve changed that. Maybe not. They might’ve ended up resenting each other as some mated couples did. But they’d never gotten the chance to explore their relationship to find out.
Because of me.
He dropped his head into his hands and groaned. His thoughts weren’t healthy. He had to stop blaming himself. Nobody else did. Had he known she was in danger, he would’ve saved her. Given his life for her. How many times had he heard that?
Ethan hadn’t been the only one who’d tried to reason with him. Many of his pack mates and cousins had said the same things to him. They were right too.
“I’m sorry, Mindy. If I could do it over again, I would.” He laid his hand over her name. “You deserved someone better.”
The apology he gave was the same one he delivered every time he visited her grave. Usually, he hightailed it out of there immediately afterward. If he stayed longer, he’d end up breaking down and crying. He always did anyway, just in private. Instead of running, he settled in the grass and wrapped his arms around his knees. There was one more thing he had to do.
“I met somebody, Mindy.” He cleared his throat. “Actually, not just somebody. My true mate.”
He snorted. “I know. I know. If you were here, you’d be rolling your eyes and telling me that I was being foolish. That true mates weren’t real, but they are. Hannah’s mine. She bridged me and my wolf.”
He picked at a few blades of grass. More guilt squeezed his chest. He’d never told Mindy about Ethan. “She’s also Ethan’s true mate. She belongs to both of us. We’re going to live together. Love together. The three of us, you understand? Ethan’s my lover too. Has been for a long time.”
Silence stretched as he struggled with how to tell her about his plans. “And when they die, I’m going to follow them. Spend my eternity with them.” He squeezed his eyes shut. They burned. “Not you. I’m not going to seek you out unless you’ll let me be just your friend again. That’s all we should’ve been.”
He brushed the back of his hand against his eyelids. Wetness met his skin. He couldn’t work up the energy to care. “I hope you find your true mate soon, Mindy. He’ll be better for you than I was. Probably nicer looking too. Just…” He took a deep breath. “Don’t settle, okay? Even if it takes you a century or two, wait for him. The gods will bring the two of you together.”
He dug a picture of them out of his pocket, one of his favorites. It had been taken a few months before their relationship turned physical. They wore matching shirts that said…
Friends forever.
He propped the picture against the headstone and stood. “Friends forever, Mindy. Friends forever.”
Chapter Twenty
The scenery flew by. Lush green leaves topped the trees, and colorful flowers dotted the roadside. Hannah forced herself to take note of each different variety and tried to recall their scientific name. The mental exercise lasted all of five minutes. Thoughts of what Ethan would be facing in a few hours pushed everything else out.
She pressed her palms to her eyes and groaned. “What do you mean no one from your pack is going to back Ethan if Michael’s followers decide to attack him?”
“It’s not that they don’t support Ethan. Our pack loves him, but they won’t get involved.”
She dropped her hands and glanced at him. “I understand that. Considering what’s at stake, though, shouldn’t they—”
“They’re afraid. Ethan doesn’t blame them. Neither do I.”
“Well, I do. Michael’s a horrible pack alpha. He lets his more vulnerable members struggle to make ends meet and has been selling those he considers dispensable.”
“Until Maria got into his ledger, there was no proof. Michael is a lot of things, but above all that shit, he knows how to manipulate and lie.” Noah sighed. “He also wasn’t always a bad alpha. The first two and a half decades after he took over were good. Sure, our pack wasn’t rich, but we were safe. Happy.”
She’d known that. Michael had been respected, even by her father. All that changed in one night when…
“Ethan matured.” She turned in her seat. The certainty of her thoughts took root. “The spirit wolf wanted to be returned to its rightful bloodline. It only put up with Michael because it had no choice.”
Noah flashed her a pleased smile. “Exactly.”
“You told me about confronting Michael. So you didn’t know about Ethan’s parents, then?”
He shook his head. “No. Ethan had to be careful. He was the son of the old alpha and—”
“Michael’s wolf might’ve urged him to kill Ethan to prevent him from reclaiming his family’s pack.”
“Or kick him out. Neither was acceptable, so Ethan was raised by a beta family and purposely lived in the background of the pack to not draw attention to himself. It worked too. As a kid, we all knew he was strong and had the potential to be a dominant, but Ethan had seemed more concerned in his education than pack life. Many members of our pack, including Michael, dismissed him as being too human and therefore not a threat.”
“Including you?”
“Including me.” He flashed her a sheepish grin. “My reaction to Ethan confused me for a long time. He’s ten years younger than me and was in a lower level of the pack, so we never spent time together until I ran into him and Owen on their twenty-first birthday at a bar.”
He ran his fisted grip over the steering wheel. “One look at Ethan, and I wanted him, but I was drunk at the time. Really drunk.” He glanced at her. “I figured my attraction to him was because of the booze. I ignored it and kept drinking. Then Mindy showed up. She flirted with me like she always did, except I didn’t just harmlessly flirt back. I acted on it, and we ended up in bed.”
Hannah flinched, not because Noah was talking about another woman. No, what sent Hannah’s heart racing was the similarity in Noah’s story to the night she’d seduced Alex. Only he’d put an end to their relationship, whereas Noah had embraced his with Mindy.
Noah pulled onto the side of the road, then laid his hand on her thigh. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought up Mindy. It’s—”
She covered his hand with hers. “It’s okay. You loved Mindy. Besides, I was only a kid. I can just see how you were confused. It must’ve hurt Ethan. Did he realize what you were to him?”
“No. He fought our attraction longer than I did.” Noah pushed the loose collar of her shirt to the side, exposing her shoulder, then skimmed his fingers over her bare skin. “He knew he’d need a mate in order to become alpha. Desiring me messed up his plans, but we couldn’t stay away from each other. We became good friends. It wasn’t until a few years after Mindy died that I acted on my hunger for him.”
“And if she hadn’t died in that fire, you never would’ve.”
He dropped his hand. “If I hadn’t run my mouth off that morning, Michael wouldn’t have had her killed. We can play the ‘woulda-shoulda-coulda’ game for the rest of our lives. It doesn’t change anything. Neither does wallowing in guilt.”
“The facts are…” He shifted in his seat to face her. Pain and loss didn’t radiate from him, not as it had the first time he’d mentioned Mindy. Acceptance did.
“I did taunt Michael, and he made the choice to order a woman’s death instead of facing his at my hands. But no matter ho
w it happened, the fire that claimed Mindy’s life changed the course of our pack.” He leaned forward. “Now our members are beaten down. They’re afraid. Dominants and betas alike. They don’t trust each other or Michael. Remember, there was never any hard evidence against him. Actually, Michael hinted that it could’ve been any number of people who set that blaze, including the humans or members of our pack.”
He waited a moment, obviously giving her a chance to digest his words, then nodded slowly. “Sure. I could’ve screamed at the top of my lungs that it was Michael who was responsible for Mindy’s death, but I have no proof. Without it, I’d be labeled a troublemaker and a threat to the pack. He would’ve ordered me to leave and abandon not only Ethan but my friends and pack mates.”
He was right. Her dad had commanded a couple of shifters to leave the pack over the years. It had been painful losing one of their own, but when it came to the safety of their community, sometimes hard choices had to be made. She sighed. “Because it’s not as if we can involve the humans in our affairs.”
“Or in our criminal investigations. What happened to Jenna’s nephew a couple of months ago is a perfect example of what my pack has dealt with since Mindy’s death.”
Jenna’s nephew had been found shot, and the scent of his killers had been tampered with. Without human technology and resources, they had been stuck. Doubt and pain had been the only closure they’d gotten.
She closed her eyes. Shame and understanding settled over her. It was easy to judge the members of Noah’s pack and slam their actions, but she had been looking at it from the outside, from a pack who protected their own and wasn’t dysfunctional.
“So, do you see why our pack members won’t stick up for Ethan if Michael turns on him before midnight? If Ethan loses, they’re afraid of what might happen to them.”
“Yes. I understand.” It didn’t mean she was happy about it. She glanced out the back window. “Maybe you should take me back to my house. Ethan doesn’t have to mate me tonight. You should be there with him.” She turned imploring eyes on him. “Protect him if nobody else will. Please.”
Shared for Love: Kagan Wolves, Book 2 Page 20