by AKM Miles
Boddy came over and said, “Let the boy breathe, Mama. Hi, son, I’m Boddy. I’m the cook here, among other things. We’ve been waiting for you for two years now. Why don’t you come with me, and we’ll get you settled. How does a hot shower sound? Good, yeah?”
Nick saw Daniel’s head come up, and there was interest there. Daniel looked over at Mano, though, as if afraid to leave the one he felt most comfortable with just yet.
“Come on, I’ll go with you to see your new digs. It’s cool. Easy and I live in the back in his apartment, and Mama lives in the first apartment. Between the two is a dorm-like thing where the guys stay when they come. I stayed there at first when I came here.”
“You don’t have to. I-I’ll be okay,” Daniel said hesitantly, and Nick could have hugged Mano for the ease with which he stepped over.
“Hey, it’s no problem. Right now, I got nothin’ better to do. It’s kind of strange at first, believing that this is a safe place and that these people don’t want anything from you, but it’s true. They just want to help. Let’s go, and you can find a bunk, take a shower, and then I’m ready for some of Boddy’s food. And wait till you taste Mama’s pies. Hmm… I bet you could handle some banana cream pie. That would go down easy.”
“Daniel.” Nick stepped in but stopped short of touching his son. “I’ve made you an appointment for this afternoon with Doctor Zardi at five-thirty. They’re working us in at the end of their day. Will you let me take you?” Nick’s heart froze as Daniel grabbed his stomach as if in pain and looked panicked. “Mano can come, too, if you want.” Nick felt safe saying that. He knew that they’d all put their life on hold for the next little while to make sure Daniel felt safe.
“Sure. I’d be glad to come with you.” Mano came through for him again, and Nick took a step back.
“Okay.” Daniel seemed to give in. Nick was afraid that Daniel was so quick to agree because he knew there was something seriously wrong with him.
“Thanks, Daniel. Go on with Mano and Boddy now. We need to leave close to five.”
Daniel looked panicked again. “I don’t have any clean clothes.”
“Shh, don’t you worry about that. We’ve got that taken care of. Relax and just let us take care of you for a while now.” Mama Sasy shooed Daniel, Boddy, and Mano to the back and turned to Easy and Nick.
“Okay, sit. Nick filled me in on what happened down there. What about on the way home?” she asked Easy.
“Nothing to tell. Mano said he cried when he saw his comforter and pillow. Then he snuggled in and slept the whole way home. It will take some time, but I think he’ll come around, Nick.”
“I’ll do anything he needs. As soon as we get him some medical help, I’ll back off and let you all help him and make him feel safe. Just please let me know when I can step in without making him feel uncomfortable.”
“Frankly, I suggest you come around like you always do and speak to him when you see him. Don’t push him, but let him know that you’re around and available. When he’s ready, he’ll come to you.”
“God, I hope so.”
§ § § §
Daniel stood in the shower for what seemed like forever, feeling like he was washing away two years of filth and shame. He washed his hair over and over and scrubbed himself until he was nearly raw. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a good hot shower; probably when he was with Tony and Randall. The time with them seemed so long ago, so far away. The period spent with Jack was so much more traumatic, so filled with ugliness that he tended to forget that he’d at least been safe with Tony and Randall. The last six months were so filled with pain and fear that it took over his whole being sometimes and he hated that. Hated it.
Finally, he turned off the water and stood, dripping, looking at his feet as drips from his long hair fell onto them. He looked past his stomach, which was, of course, hurting like hell, and thought about how skinny he looked.
He pulled back the curtain and saw a boy standing there, as if he were waiting for him. He jerked the curtain closed again, freaked out. Who was that?
“Hey, I’m sorry I scared you. I’m Benny. I spilled a whole pitcher of tea on me and was going to take a quick shower. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”
Daniel felt stupid, but he didn’t open the curtain either. He heard noises and then one of the other showers came on, and he finally peeked out of the curtain and saw that it was clear. He hurried out, grabbing a towel, and saw that there were clean clothes waiting for him. He walked over to the counter by the sink and looked at them. He put his hand out slowly. They didn’t look brand new, but they weren’t dirty or torn.
“Daniel?”
He heard Mano’s voice from outside the bathroom door, and he jerked again. Safe. You’re safe now. Stop jumping like you’re going to get hit every time you hear a noise.
“Yeah?” He managed to answer, his voice a little rough.
“Everything okay?”
He appreciated Mano asking instead of just barging in.
“Yes, sir.”
He heard laughter and looked up, meeting his own eyes in the mirror.
“Sir? Me? Come on, I’m just Mano. I’m nobody’s sir. You’ve got about five minutes until Boddy comes back for you. He said he’d have you a hot meal ready, and we’ve got an appointment to go to, after.”
“Okay.”
Daniel got dressed in the new clothes and reached into the bag that he’d been given with supplies. He found a comb and managed to get it through his hair. God, it felt clean for the first time in forever. This whole thing felt like he was watching it all happen to him from the outside, like those movies in his head that he used to indulge in to escape his environment. But this time there wasn’t the same kind of dread.
When he opened the bathroom door, Mano grinned and told him, “Wow, big difference. You look a lot better. I bet you feel better, too, huh?”
“Yeah.” He hated sounding so dull, but he didn’t want to go into the facts with Mano. He liked the young man who’d been so nice to him. He didn’t want to tell him that he’d lived in fear all the time at Jack’s place, that there wasn’t often hot water because Jack didn’t worry too much about bills, and Daniel had been afraid if he’d gotten naked and into the shower Jack might come in on him, despite his damned code.
“Man, you should have seen Benny, he was drenched. How he managed to get the whole thing of tea all over him is a mystery, but Mama just laughed and told him to come clean up. That’s Benny Adams. He just got here. He’s okay, you know, a nice guy who just needs help. Mama and Nick will help him.”
“Nick?” Did he mean his dad, Nick?
“Yeah, uh, your dad kind of helps out with the boys here, finding them work or helping them get started with a new life after Mama helps them out first by getting them settled and feeling safe again. Evidently a lot of young guys have come through here after one kind of hell or another. You’ll learn all about it later. Come on.” Mano turned and Daniel followed him through the dorm area and back to the diner.
He wasn’t sure how he felt about knowing that his dad had been helping out young gay men that came to Mama Sasy for safety. His life had been pretty much seven kinds of hell for the last two years and all that time his dad was up here taking care of gays? What was that about? He didn’t understand the anger he felt knowing that.
Daniel was hungry, but he was afraid to try to eat and have to throw up again. He knew, though, that all these nice people were trying to help him and would be watching to make sure he tried. So he would. The oatmeal had helped, so maybe a little something more would be okay.
Boddy, this big, extremely tall man, looked up as they came in through the kitchen. Daniel wished for a moment that he could eat in here and not have to face his father again, but he’d have to go with him to the doctor, so he might as well suck it up and go on out there. Boddy handed him a plate that had a soft scrambled egg and a bowl with oatmeal.
“I put some bananas in there, too. They’l
l be good for you and shouldn’t hurt. Just eat real slow, and if you feel sick, don’t worry about it.” Boddy looked at Mano to add, “Take him on to the family booth. Nick is waiting with Mama.” Boddy looked at Daniel. “I’m glad you’re back.”
Daniel couldn’t get over all these people who were glad he was back. He didn’t know any of them, so how could they feel such happiness that he was back in Nashville? It was weird.
He followed Mano to the back booth and saw his dad sitting with Mama Sasy, who had a big grin on her face when she saw him. His dad just looked nervous and almost like he was afraid to smile.
“Nick, you were right. He is a good-looking young man. Sit down, now, Daniel, and try to eat a little, just enough to get you through. How do you feel, darlin’?”
Mama pointed to the spot across the table from her. Mano scooted in first so Daniel could have the outside, probably in case he had to get up to go vomit.
“I feel better, ma’am. It’s nice to be clean. Thank you for everything.” Daniel had never forgotten his manners. He just hadn’t had cause to use them lately. Tony and Randall hadn’t been much for talking, so the conversations were minimal and didn’t require manners, just respect. With Jack, he was more worried about living than being nice.
“First off, it’s Mama, not ma’am, and you’re welcome. I know all this is a shock for you, but we’ve been hoping and praying for this day for two long years.”
Daniel just looked at her. He kept hearing that over and over. Was it true? Had his dad really been looking for him all this time? Since he left that night? He couldn’t take that in. He just couldn’t process the fact that he’d gone through all that, the beatings, the loneliness, the fear, the pain, and all the time his father was trying to find him, bring him home…love him. He exploded. That was the only word for it.
“You said I was not your son! You hated me. You called me a faggot, and you cared more about what people would think than me. I don’t believe you!” He was yelling, and he felt good about that. He needed that, needed to vent, let his dad know how he’d hurt him that night and that he wasn’t going to just forgive him and believe that everything was going to be all right now.
Surprisingly, his dad, with tear-filled eyes, just nodded his head at him. Daniel’s eyes must have bugged out of his head when Mama Sasy smacked his dad’s arm, hard.
“Say something, Nick.”
“What can I say, Mama? He’s right. He’s entitled to his anger, and he’s due my shame. I said those things to my son, to the boy that I love more than life itself. There is no excuse for it. Shock doesn’t count, doesn’t excuse what I did. It explains it, but nothing will ever be enough to make up for the fact that when he needed me the most, I let him down. That huge mistake caused my son two years of pain and suffering, going through God knows what, all the while thinking I hated him. I never said that, Daniel. But the rest I did say, and I’ll never be able to take that memory away from you. I’m sorry, son.” Those tears were now spilling down his dad’s face, and Daniel watched them in awe.
He was in a movie. That had to be the answer. There was no way all this was happening. His dad didn’t cry. He didn’t have clean clothes or a clean body. He didn’t have soft, warm food or people who looked at him like he mattered. When would this show be over? When would he go back to real life?
He kept watching, as if from afar, as Mama Sasy took a napkin and handed it to his dad, who took it absently and wiped his face, never taking his eyes off Daniel.
Mama Sasy looked at Daniel and said, quietly, “Look at me, hon. He’s right. You are entitled to your anger. I was the same way when he showed up here showing me your picture, telling me what he’d done, and asking for my help. I gave him hell for what he’d done to you, and I didn’t even know you. But, I knew other boys who’d been treated the same way, or worse, and his remorse didn’t matter to me. What you were going through was all I was worried about. It took a while for him to convince me how sincere he was with his sorry and shame.” Mama reached across the table to Daniel. “Give me your hand.”
Daniel looked at her in surprise but put his hand in hers and waited.
“No one expects this to be easy, Daniel, or quick. You take all the time you need, and you feel whatever you need to and know that it’s all right. We can’t say we understand, because we haven’t been through what you have, but we know that it was bad, and we are all sorry about that. We don’t pity you, so don’t go feeling like you can’t take what we’re offering. We get a lot out of helping boys like you. Nick has helped countless young boys, and I’ve heard him say countless times that he was just praying that somewhere there was someone doing a good thing for you, helping you in some way. He’s tried in his own way to atone for what he did, with all those others. Eventually, I hope you’ll let him do the same for you. You must never doubt that this man loves you. You take your time, honey, and things will all come right.”
Daniel could feel his hand shaking in hers and didn’t know what to do. She reached up with her other hand to pat his and then let him go. He put his hands in his lap and put his head down, unable to look at either of them. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t think of anything to make them feel better. He didn’t know if he wanted to.
Mano leaned over and whispered, “It’s okay. No one expects anything of you right now, except maybe try to finish that disgusting-looking mess. It’s almost time to go see the doc. I’m going with you and Nick. I’ll stay with you as far as you want me to. If the doc doesn’t like it, too bad. This is all about making you feel safe again. You up for this?”
Daniel wasn’t, but he nodded, picked up his spoon, and looked at the bowl. It did look disgusting. He felt a small grin on his lips and he looked over at Mano and when Mano saw the grin he laughed out loud. That. Right there, that laugh from a new friend, and his own grin over the disgusting-looking oatmeal with the mashed-up bananas in it was the first time he’d felt normal in two long years. He took a bite and it wasn’t that bad.
§ § § §
Daniel thought he would shake himself to death from the inside out. He couldn’t seem to stop the shudders that racked his body. He was sitting in his doctor’s office and dreading having to go in and see Dr. Zardi, who had been his doctor since he was fourteen. All the people in his life now were new to him, and he wasn’t as freaked out with them knowing some of what he’d been through. But Dr. Zardi, well, he had known Daniel… before.
Seeing him, as Daniel was now, would bring it all home to him in a totally different way. Daniel didn’t think he could look the man in the eyes while answering questions about what was happening to his body. What would Dr. Zardi think about him? What had his father told him about what had happened?
He must have made a sound, because Mano reached out to him.
“It’s okay, Daniel. I bet you’re worried about what the doctor will think since the last time you were here you probably looked a lot different. Listen, don’t you spend any time worrying about what other people think. You’ve been through hell, and it wasn’t your fault. It sucks, yeah, but it’s over, well, almost over now, and we just need to get you feeling better. Things will fall into place soon. Nick will have paved the way for you in there. He’s been back there with them for a good while, and I doubt if he’s giving himself any slack in the telling, either.”
Before Daniel could make sense of that statement, the door opened and a nurse came into the waiting room, smiling.
“Daniel? Hi, I’m Marcie. Dr. Zardi is ready to see you.” She motioned for him to follow her and paused when Mano got up, too. “You can wait here—” She stopped when Mano shook his head at her and stepped closer to Daniel. Daniel could have hugged him. He knew there was no reason to be scared anymore, but he was still in shock. This morning he had been with Jack and now he was back in his doctor’s office like nothing had happened in the last two years. Yeah, he moved even closer to Mano, thankful for his presence.
“Okay, you all come on back.” Evidently
she knew enough of the situation to not stop Mano from coming in with him. Daniel saw his father coming out of Dr. Zardi’s office, and he stopped, frozen. Mano touched his shoulder and then pushed a little to direct him into the exam room that the nurse had stepped into. Daniel gratefully went in and sighed when the door closed and he didn’t have to see his father anymore.
Daniel followed directions and put the gown on and sat on the table, looking down. He was glad Mano was there with him and even more thankful that Mano didn’t seem to need to talk all the time. It was just a comfort to him.
Dr. Zardi came in nodded to Mano, and walked right up to Daniel, touching his shoulder gently, saying, “Welcome back, Daniel. Let’s find out what is causing you the pain. Can you answer some questions for me?”
Daniel went into autopilot and answered the questions about how it hurt, when it hurt, how much blood he’d thrown up, and what kind of things he ate that caused it to hurt and what he ate to soothe it. He told the doctor that he hadn’t always been able to get the comfort foods so he had slowly gotten worse.
Dr. Zardi only nodded at each new bit of information, never asking probing questions about his time with Jack, and Daniel guessed he had his father to thank for that. Not that he would. If it wasn’t for his dad he would never have—
“Daniel?” Dr. Zardi asked, waiting, and Daniel realized he had gotten off task there. He looked over at Mano, who smiled gently at him. Daniel gave his attention back to Dr. Zardi, and the long session went on.
After a lot of poking and prodding and examination, during which Mano turned away, Daniel was allowed to dress again. He was really tired and didn’t want to have to listen to any more. He didn’t want to face his father, and certainly didn’t want to talk to him. He looked at Mano and some of what he was feeling must have shown on his face because Mano nodded, taking his arm, led him back to the waiting room.
“I’ll be right back,” Mano said.
Daniel nodded and slumped in the chair. He just wanted to sleep. And hug a warm pillow to his stomach. In a dark room. He’d noticed there were no windows in the dorm part of Mama Sasy’s place. He wondered if that was because they knew that boys like him would feel safer if no one could see in. He just wanted to hide from the world right now, and it wasn’t happening. His stomach hurt.