by AKM Miles
“Could I get a cup of coffee?” The voice was to his right and halfway down the row of booths. He nodded, turned, and grabbed a cup for the driver who waited for his drink.
As he walked back toward the booth, he heard Benny exclaim, “Oh, man. You’re kidding! You can’t mean it, Mr. Webster.” Benny’s eyes were big and he seemed super excited.
“Young man, you’ll learn that I never say anything I don’t mean. I don’t like to have to take things back. Say what you mean and stand by it,” Nick answered. Daniel knew that by heart, having heard it so many times growing up.
The cup fell to the floor right beside the booth, having slipped from Daniel’s lifeless fingers. He stood, frozen, as everyone turned to look at him, but he was caught up in the gaze from his father’s eyes. Luckily, the cup had still been empty.
It was funny. He could see in his father’s eyes the change from conviction, while talking about his personal motto, to guilt and shame when he realized that he’d just answered the question a lot of them probably had about why Daniel had left and not felt like he could come back. Why Daniel had believed his father’s hateful words, thus spending two long years in various levels of hell.
Benny caught on quickly to what had just happened.
He walked away from Nick and was by Daniel in seconds. “Here, let me get that picked up. You look a little, uh, shook up.” Benny bent and started picking up the pieces of the plain, heavy cup.
The trucker was unaware of the drama, more concerned with the fact that he still didn’t have his coffee. “Uh, coffee? What do I have to do to get a cup?”
Daniel snapped out of it. “Certainly, sir. I’ll get it for you. Your coffee’s on the house today. I’m sorry you had to wait.” Daniel turned, heading for the cups again. This time he brought the coffeepot with him and filled the man’s cup, asking if he wanted cream or sugar. From the corner of his eye, he saw Nick start to walk toward him, stop, start again, then pause and turn back the booth, shoulders slumped— the picture of dejection.
Daniel almost went to him then. He was surprised at himself, that he felt sympathy for Nick Webster. He knew that his father was aware of what he’d said, what it meant to Daniel, and why he’d dropped the mug. Daniel was glad that Nick stopped, though. He wasn’t ready to embrace his dad and forgive him for what he’d caused. Not yet. Maybe it was small of him, but he just couldn’t go there. It made his skin crawl to think of having to sit down and talk to his father. His breathing sped up and he got a little shaky.
“Daniel, kitchen, dude. I got this. Take a break. I’ll be back there in a little bit. Relax. It’s all good.” Benny was still doing his care-taking thing and right now, Daniel needed it. He nodded and let Benny take his arm and lead him to the safety of the kitchen.
When he got through the swinging door, he stopped and stood still, not knowing what to do. He must have looked pretty bad, because Mama Rosa rolled over to him and said, “Daniel, would you help me out? I got so hot finishing the pies, I’m just wilting. I think Boddy and Sally Ann can handle it in here for a few minutes.” She looked up at him and put her hand out to take his. Still a little stunned at the feelings swimming around in his head, making him feel slightly faint, he grabbed the lifeline and nodded.
“Sure. Where do you want to go, back to your apartment?” He knew that she could just go down the hallway to the apartment door, so she must want to go outside. He moved behind her, pushing her to the door that led outside. He glanced at Boddy and Mama Sasy, seeing both of them nod to him, as if in permission, and he took the out he was being given.
When they got outside, Daniel was glad it was an unusually warm day for October. He asked if she needed a sweater anyway.
“No, hon. I like the air. It feels good.”
“Where do you want me to take you?” he asked, wheeling her into the parking lot and heading back toward the middle of the warehouse, the dorm.
“Nowhere in particular. I just wanted you to have a chance to walk it off. I wanted to spend some time with you. What about over there?” She pointed to the back corner of the huge lot where there was an old dark green car that Daniel hadn’t really noticed before now. It had two flat tires on the driver’s side and one missing headlight. He wondered why it was there, but didn’t question it. He just rolled her toward it and waited for the lecture he was sure was coming about how he should give his dad a chance and not be so closed off…yada, yada, yada.
As they neared the car, Mama Rosa pointed and he followed her direction. When he got to the other side of the car he saw that there was an old picnic table there, pushed up against the fence that surrounded the back side of the property. Again she gestured, and he moved to the bench and sat facing her, dreading what was coming but willing to listen to her. He didn’t realize how evident his feelings were.
“Daniel, hon, what are you expecting? Sit up, shoulders back, and look at me. You look like you think you’ve done something wrong and are about to get busted for it.” Mama Rosa reached out with her hand and when he put his in it, she pulled and rolled closer to him.
“Can I have a hug?”
Like he was going to deny her! He put his arms around her thin shoulders, but held back from the hug. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
She giggled and he was warmed at the young sound.
“Honey, a hug won’t hurt. I could use it, and I think you could, too. There’s just something about a good hug that warms you right up.” Mama Rosa squeezed him and he gave in, returning the embrace. He heard her sigh against him and he dropped his forehead to rest on her shoulder. How could he feel like he was coming home? This woman was not his family, but the feeling washed over him and he had no defense against the tide of honest emotion.
“Daniel, sweet boy, if you need someone to talk to, you come to Mama Rosa, anytime. I know you boys have a hard time with the many things you have to face just by being gay. You have even more to deal with right now, and while I know Benny has been there for you, and it’s wonderful to see the bond between you two, I would be happy to be there for you. Mano likes you a lot, but I think you feel a small degree of distance from all the people here who are so enamored of your father and the way he’s able to help Mama’s boys.”
Daniel pulled away from her, afraid she was going to be upset with him, but she surprised him again.
“I don’t blame you, hon. I understand where you’re coming from.”
“How come you get me, understand how I feel?”
“Because I’m an outsider, too.” She smiled at his raised brows. “Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’ve been welcomed, and I have an automatic in with Mano, but I’m new here, too. I can look at the whole picture without being invested so much. I’m grateful, just like I know you are. How could we not be? We’ve been given a place to live and work, and a chance to be part of something wonderful. I’m happy being close to Mano, and I love Sally Ann and Boddy. Working with them is, well, it’s fulfilling. I know, though, that you’re having a hard time.” She took his hand again. He held it very carefully, mindful of the knobby knuckles that were evidence of the painful condition she dealt with on a daily basis.
“I feel bad because they went down there and saved me, saved my life, I think. They just keep giving and giving and asking nothing in return and I feel so…” He paused, searching for the right word.
“Beholden?” she supplied.
“Exactly. I should love them and be more open to them, but I just feel so unsure of anything that I feel right now. Does that make sense, Mama? Oh, I’m sorry. I mean, Mama Rosa.” Daniel corrected himself. This wasn’t his mother, his mama.
“Honey, I would be more than honored if you called me Mama. I’ve come to care about you very deeply in such a short time. Your pain is so clear to me. So, yes, it makes sense. But, what you don’t get is that they expected you to feel that way. I’ve heard them talking, you know. They don’t expect you to embrace them with open arms, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve been back. Your father
is a broken man, deeply hurt, but it’s not your fault. It’s his own, and he knows that. It is that fact that drives him and pulls at him so strongly. Mama Sasy, my new friend, Sally Ann, loves that man and wants nothing more than his happiness. You don’t look surprised,” she noted, looking into his eyes.
“No, I’ve noticed the looks, too. It’s weird.”
“Probably so, but does it bother you, that they have feelings for each other?” She waited for him to think about that for a moment.
“Truthfully? No, it doesn’t bother me. You know, I never saw him date anyone. All our lives, it was just the two of us. I used to tell him that it would be okay with me, but he never did. I don’t have any say in whether he finds true love with Mama Sasy.” He stopped for a minute and shook his head at himself, admitting to her, “I sounded a little bitter there, didn’t I? I don’t want to be, honestly.” He wasn’t sure why he was unable to voice his indifference in the matter of the relationship that might change his father’s life. Why did he sound like it did matter to him? Did it?
“Don’t worry about it, hon. Do you want to talk about what happened in there? Do you need to get back?”
“Did you hear?” he asked, watching her face to see if he could get an idea of what she thought.
“From the kitchen? No way. I could just tell that you were really hurting and saw that Benny was worried about you. I thought you could use a few minutes away from the drama.” She smiled as he nodded.
“These days I am the drama. I’m really tired of being so needy, so unsure of myself and my situation. Everybody’s afraid I’m going to break, or that’s how they act, anyway. I’m not, you know. I’m getting stronger, and my stomach is a lot better.” Daniel sat up straighter as he talked.
“Honey, I think a lot of that is what you expect them to be feeling. From what I’ve learned, this group has been doing this for a long time and they’re used to boys coming to them in bad shape, some worse than others, and they all get what they need here. Mama Sasy and the others are used to watching as the guys who come through here change and become strong and capable. You’re doing fine, and they know that.” Mama Rosa patted his hand, her eyes fixed on his, keeping his attention.
“I guess. I just feel so…watched is the word, maybe.” He wanted to duck his head, but kept her gaze.
“It’s just a little different with you because they all suffered along with Nick all that time as he looked for you and would come here for sympathy and compassion when another trail didn’t work and he’d have to start over. I do know that he never gave up.” She watched him to see how he was taking the talk of his father. Encouraged, she went on. “I hear that he’s shown your picture to every trucker that’s ever been here when he was. Sally Ann told me that he showed that picture in every venue he found himself in. He didn’t hide the fact that he was in the wrong. He just wanted so badly to find you. I don’t know if that will make you feel better or worse, but you need to know that it’s true. It’s not just something that they’re telling you in order to make you accept him back into your life. It’s just a fact. You take that information and mull it around and if you need to talk, anytime, you come to me. There is no judging here, and I’ll try to help if I can.”
“Thank you,” he said. “Please don’t think I’m not grateful to Mama Sasy and Boddy and the others, especially Mano, it’s just…”
“Shh, hon. I get it, remember. Don’t worry so much about it. No one expects anything more of you than what you’re doing. Take your time.” She reached up and cupped the side of his face with one hand and said, “Come on now, the pies should be done and we need to get to work.”
They heard a shout and looked at the back door of the diner. Benny was standing there, waving. Daniel got up and started pushing Mama Rosa back the way they’d come. Benny jogged out to meet them.
“Hey, where’d the car come from? It looks okay, except for the tires and the headlight. Maybe we could fix it up, huh?” He walked right by them to check out the car that Daniel hadn’t even given a second thought.
“I’m not sure. It was just there. Maybe Easy or Mano know something about it. Everything okay in there?” Daniel felt he had to ask.
“Fine. I’m sorry I was part of something that hurt you so much. I feel really strange taking help from your father. I can’t help but think it will cause a problem if he helps me, and you and I, I mean…” Benny stopped, as if realizing he was talking freely in front of Mama Rosa.
“Oh, don’t mind me, young man. I know you are close. I think you’re worrying for nothing, though. Daniel is quite capable of compartmentalizing his feelings. He’ll deal with his dad in his own way, in his own time. I’m betting he’s thrilled for you.” She smiled as they both just looked at her.
“She’s pretty smart, huh?” Daniel said, as proud of her as if she were really his mother.
“Yep. Come on, let’s get back to work. I’m going to ask about this car. Maybe we could work on it. You know anything about cars?” Benny asked Daniel.
“Know more about trucks, but we need to see whose it is and what it needs first. I’ll help you if I can.” Daniel thought it would be cool to have a project.
He was happy to see that his father was gone when he went back in to work. He wasn’t ready for that meeting. He just wasn’t. Twice now, though, he’d felt something, a twinge of something. When his father had walked away, looking so hurt, and then when Mama Rosa had talked about how broken he was all the time he was looking for him. He put those thoughts aside and got to work.
Easy and Mano didn’t know anything about the car, either, as it turned out. They called for Benny’s uncle to come and check it out, see about the legality of taking it over. Officer Adams investigated it using the license plate number and the VIN. He told them to put an ad in the paper while he contacted the last-known owner, and if no one claimed it after two weeks, they could take it. They set the plan in motion that very day. Hopefully, the eight-year-old Ford would not take too much work, if they got to keep it.
Nick arranged for Benny to start college in January. Daniel was happy for him and liked listening to Benny plan the classes he wanted to start with and how he would work it with the duties he still felt he had to perform at the diner. They decided that Benny would use the car to get to classes. Daniel could use it when it was available to do anything he wanted. The car would be registered in Mama Sasy’s name, but everyone knew it was to be Benny and Daniel’s to use as they needed.
Two more weeks passed, and Daniel was feeling much healthier and even found himself feeling real happiness at times. Most of those times were when he was with Benny. They seemed to gravitate toward each other and were so often in sync. Daniel realized that he was beginning to have true feelings for Benny and thought that Benny felt the same way. So far, there hadn’t been any other boys show up and without talking about it, Benny kept sleeping in the same bed with Daniel.
A few times, there were soft kisses and nuzzles before they went to sleep, but neither was pushing the sex thing. Daniel was afraid of doing the wrong thing. He was recovering from the totally weird relationship with Jack and not sure of his own feelings. Benny seemed to be afraid of pushing Daniel too soon or asking for something that Daniel wasn’t ready for yet.
Daniel looked forward to the nights when he would cuddle up to Benny and breathe in the scent of his best friend ever. They talked late into the night, whispers of ideas and plans and dreams. They held hands under the covers like they were on a date and it felt so special to Daniel. He was happy that Benny seemed okay with the slow progress of their relationship, if you could even call it that this early. Benny didn’t seem to be frustrated with the little things that they shared: hugs, touches, looks, and the nightly spooning in the small bed.
Boddy had a couple of rooms in the dorm section of the warehouse, right behind Mama Sasy’s apartment. He was sort of the dorm master, but his place was separate. His door, just like Mama Sasy’s, opened into the hall that went from the diner to
the dorm. Daniel figured that Boddy knew they slept together, but he’d never said anything about it. They used an alarm to wake them and Daniel approved of the fact that while they knew Boddy was there if they needed him, he didn’t crowd them or push his way into their space.
Daniel’s dreams weren’t coming as often now. When they started and his breathing increased, or he moved suddenly, Benny would hold him tighter and whisper, “Shh, I’ve got you. It’s Benny. You’re okay.” And he would be.
Daniel never forgot the dream he’d had about walking through the streets at night and seeing boys who were lost like he had been. He knew in his heart that this was something he was supposed to do. He didn’t know how to go about it, but it preyed on his mind all the time. He wanted to be out there, looking, searching for young men just like he was two years ago. The shelters were good for what they were, but for a young man, they were scary and dangerous. Daniel wanted to make a difference. He didn’t miss the fact that what he wanted to do was a lot like what Mama Sasy was doing successfully now.
He had asked Mano how he had known to come here and got the story about how the word was out in major cities in the southeast area that if you were, or knew of someone, who was young, gay, and in need of help, that Mama Sasy’s was the place to go. But Daniel wanted, needed, to be out there looking for these boys, young men, who needed help, but like him, had no way of getting it for whatever reason. He just had to find a way to do it.
Finally the day came when they were told that they could take possession of the abandoned car. Easy had a friend who had a garage a couple of streets over, so he called the man to come and pick up the car. The next day, late in the afternoon and with Boddy’s permission, Benny and Daniel walked over to see what was going on with the vehicle.
Upon their arrival, the garage owner told them to call him Jenkins, and he began talking about what needed to be done to the car. Daniel quickly tuned out of the conversation, as he had no idea what the man was talking about. He just happened to be looking out the front of the big door when he saw a young man walking toward the garage. Jenkins must have seen him, too, because he yelled out.