Praise for Expectation Hangover
“If you’ve never been disappointed, you don’t need this book. For everyone else, here’s an approach that will shift you from letdown to breakthrough. Christine Hassler’s insightful and practical book will get you moving quickly and powerfully toward greater success and fulfillment.”
— Marci Shimoff, professional speaker, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Happy for No Reason
“Life is difficult, not unfair. We all need to be truly educated and prepared for life’s difficulties. Christine Hassler’s new book can do that for us. Just as hunger leads us to seek nourishment, an Expectation Hangover can help us to nourish our life. When you are willing to ask yourself, ‘What am I to learn from this experience?’ you will find what ultimately nourishes your life. Her techniques contain the wisdom of the ages and sages. Read, learn, and transform your challenges into blessings and life’s charcoal into diamonds.”
— Bernie S. Siegel, MD, author of The Art of Healing and 365 Prescriptions for the Soul
“I wish I’d had this step-by-step guide on how to overcome huge obstacles when I shattered both my wrist and my dreams of playing for the NFL. Don’t let your Expectation Hangover control your life — apply what is in this book!”
— Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur, host of The School of Greatness podcast
“Christine Hassler is the kind of true spiritual guide we all need in our corner — soulful, wise, compassionate, and practical. Her proven methods and deep personal understanding are like the best medicine ever for your heart and soul.”
— Christine Arylo, self-love catalyst and author of Madly in Love with ME: The Daring Adventure of Becoming Your Own Best Friend
“Christine Hassler continues to be an invaluable voice for every generation. Her insights and observations have changed and enlightened the way I look at my life and the way I raise my children.”
— Michael De Luca, film producer and Columbia Pictures president of production
“Disappointment can be a big, ugly monster hiding under our beds. This book is the go-to for getting us through Expectation Hangovers with grace and shining light to cast away those ugly creatures of disappointment!”
— Kathryn Budig, author of The Women’s Health Big Book of Yoga
“Christine Hassler is brilliant and insightful. Finally, here is the solution for dealing with something that plagues so many, myself included. If you’re hoping to thrive in a world that seems to hand out setbacks at every opportunity, this is the book for you. With transformational truths and real-life stories, Expectation Hangover will change the way you approach any challenge, giving you the courage and the wisdom to transform your life.”
— Marcia Wieder, bestselling author of Making Your Dreams Come True and CEO/founder, Dream University
“Warm and encouraging wisdom for when things don’t go according to plan. Christine Hassler is a tremendous ally for navigating through life’s most challenging moments, and this book is a powerful road map for dealing with disappointment in an efficient and empowering way that becomes a doorway to profound personal growth.”
— H. Ronald Hulnick, PhD, president, University of Santa Monica, and Mary R. Hulnick, PhD, chief educational officer, University of Santa Monica, authors of Loyalty to Your Soul
ALSO BY CHRISTINE HASSLER
20 Something, 20 Everything
20 Something Manifesto
New World Library
14 Pamaron Way
Novato, California 94949
Copyright © 2014 by Christine Hassler
All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means — electronic, mechanical, or other — without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review.
The material in this book is intended for educational purposes only. No expressed or implied guarantee of the effects of the use of the recommendations can be given or liability taken. Names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the privacy of others.
Expectation Hangover® is a Registered Trademark of Christine Hassler.
Text design by Tona Pearce Myers
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Hassler, Christine.
Expectation hangover : free yourself from your past, change your present & get what you really want / Christine Hassler ; foreword by Lissa Rankin, MD.
pagescm
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-1-60868-241-6 (hardback)
ISBN 978-1-60868-384-0 (paperback)
ISBN 978-1-60868-385-7 (ebook)
1. Disappointment. 2. Adjustment (Psychology) I. Title.
BF575.D57.H37 2014
152.4—dc232014018040
First paperback printing, February 2016
ISBN 978-1-60868-384-0
Printed in Canada on 100% postconsumer-waste recycled paper
New World Library is proud to be a Gold Certified Environmentally Responsible Publisher. Publisher certification awarded by Green Press Initiative. www.greenpressinitiative.org
10987654321
CONTENTS
Foreword by Lissa Rankin, MD
Introduction
What to Expect
PART ONE: EXPECTATIONS
Chapter One: My Expectation Hangovers
Chapter Two: The Whats and Whys of Expectation Hangovers
“Expectation Hangover” Defined
Why Expectation Hangovers Happen
Chapter Three: What Does Not Work
Distraction
Numbing the Pain
Being Strong
Pep Talks
The Next Best Thing
Spiritual Bypass
Chapter Four: Awareness and Acceptance
The First Step out of Disappointment
PART TWO: TREATMENT PLAN
Chapter Five: A Holistic Prescription for Treating Your Expectation Hangover
Role-Playing Rx
Chapter Six: The Emotional Level
How We Suppress Emotions
Role-Playing Rx: The Surfer
But I’m Not Angry!
The Power of Vulnerability
Make a Date with Your Feelings
Conclusion
Chapter Seven: The Mental Level
Your Story
Role-Playing Rx: The Horseback Rider
Thought Time Travel
Conclusion
Chapter Eight: The Behavioral Level
Role-Playing Rx: The Scientist
Compensatory Strategies
Your Superpowers
Avoidance Traps
Your Core Values
Conclusion
Chapter Nine: The Spiritual Level
The Goal Line versus the Soul Line
Your Spiritual Curriculum
Role-Playing Rx: The Seeker
Living Inside Out
Surrendering to a Higher Power
Lesson Quest
Your Life Purpose
Conclusion
PART THREE: PREVENTION
Chapter Ten: Managing Your Expectations
The Secret Sauce for Pursuing Goals
Chapter Eleven: Quick Fixes That Work
Quick Fix 1: Stop People-Pleasing
Quick Fix 2: Go Your Own Way
Quick Fix 3: Don’t Go to a Chinese Restaurant for Nachos
Quick Fix 4: Wake Up from Comparison Comas
Quick Fix 5: Be of Service
Quick Fix 6: Be a Kid
Quick Fix 7: Gorge on Gratitude
Conclusion
Acknowledg
ments
Notes
Index
About the Author
FOREWORD
I’m sure my loving parents meant well when they raised me to believe the world was my oyster. As the oldest child doted on by adoring parents, I grew up thinking the world would treat me as lovingly as my parents did, so imagine my surprise when I wound up in medical school, where I felt judged and criticized by my professors, who were regularly scolding me for my stupidity and incompetence. I also figured all men would treat me like the princess my father had led me to believe I was, so imagine my confusion and hurt when I wound up in a marriage with a man who didn’t dote on me like my parents did.
By the time I was thirty-three years old, I was very successful in my career as a doctor, but I was twice divorced, professionally disillusioned, and taking seven medications for a host of health conditions my doctors led me to believe were incurable. Saddled with a serious case of entitlement, I felt like the Universe had let me down. By the time I was thirty-six, I wound up with one dark night of the soul after another that culminated in a massive Expectation Hangover when the compounding losses left me humbled, emotionally paralyzed, and on my knees.
I thought I might find relief by quitting my job as a physician, selling my oceanfront house, and moving to the country, where I planned to launch my new career as a writer by penning my first masterpiece. But things didn’t go as I planned, and by forty-one, I found myself $200,000 in debt, with no agent, no publisher, and a third failing marriage. My life had strayed so far from the fairy-tale life I had expected that I barely recognized it. Where had I gone wrong? My self-esteem took a major hit, and the shell of my ego started to crack. What I hadn’t anticipated was that underneath that shell, the real gold had been buried all along.
I had to mine the gold from my Expectation Hangover one teensy nugget at a time before my life started to turn around. The process was slow, painful, and filled with self-judgment, disillusionment, frustration, roadblocks, and tests of my faith. Because my journey eventually yielded a great deal of personal, spiritual, and professional satisfaction, I can’t regret a second of it, but I can say that I wish I had been blessed with Christine Hassler’s book back when all this was happening. It might have saved me years of unnecessary suffering!
If this book has landed in your lap right now, and you’re wallowing in an Expectation Hangover of your own, consider it a sign from the Universe that you’re ready to press “fast-forward” on this phase of your journey. With this book, you will be guided through your Expectation Hangover with love, compassion, and sensitivity to how much you might be hurting right now. Nobody is going to expect you (or allow you) to skip your painful emotions with a “spiritual bypass.” But by the time you reach the end of this book, you will have been given all the tools you need to mine the gold from your disappointment, as long as you’re ready to face the honest truth about yourself and about what your soul may be here on this earth to learn.
After gleaning the gems from your Expectation Hangover, you’ll not only heal from your disappointment but learn how to prevent future disappointment. You’ll be inspired to live your life in a whole new way, and you’ll become much more open to whatever smorgasbord of life experiences the Universe dishes up, rather than getting upset when you don’t immediately get what you ordered off life’s menu.
This book is your road map to navigate any disappointment you may be experiencing. I promise you that you are being called to participate in this adventure, and your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be more wondrous, magical, and filled with awe, mystery, purpose, and fulfillment than anything you could have dreamed up yourself. So take a deep breath, strap on your seatbelt, muster up your moxie, and get ready to let your Expectation Hangover take you on the ride of your life.
Everyone on a hero’s journey needs a mentor, and Christine is the perfect guide as you walk your own path. As you practice the tools and exercises in this book, you will discover that you already have the love, fulfillment, and meaning that your soul intends to experience in this life. And you will have your Expectation Hangover to thank for how resilient, empowered, and courageous you have become.
I now look back at my Expectation Hangover with oodles of gratitude, and I know you will see yours in the same way when you’ve made it to life on the other side of disappointment, full of surprises and blessings you never could have expected.
— Lissa Rankin, MD, New York Times bestselling author of Mind Over Medicine and The Fear Cure
INTRODUCTION
Have you ever had something turn out far different than you expected it would and felt immensely disappointed? Have you ever been so let down by a person or situation that you thought you’d never get over it? Have you ever not lived up to your own standards and felt a sense of failure?
Let’s face it — life is full of surprises that are not always the kind we would wish for: A job and the financial security that came with it are gone. A relationship with the one we thought was “the one” suddenly ends or becomes the one thing we can’t get right. A career path that was executed with precision becomes lackluster and tainted with doubt. A pregnancy that is wished for isn’t happening. A project we poured our blood, sweat, and tears into doesn’t bring the results we expected. A parent suddenly isn’t there anymore, or a child doesn’t live up to the potential we saw in him. An illness interrupts our life. Or we’ve checked off everything on our life checklist and still don’t feel fulfilled.
We suffer when our reality does not match the expectations we are so attached to. If you can relate to this brand of discomfort — the kind fueled by a life drunk with expectations and the resulting crash we experience when things do not go as we planned or hoped — then you have experienced an Expectation Hangover®.
And you are not alone. I spent most of my life working hard to achieve personal and professional goals that I believed would make me feel happy and successful. My life unfolded according to the plan I worked hard to achieve. I did everything “right.” However, when my career, engagement, finances, relationship with my family, and health came crashing down around me, I found myself in the midst of an Expectation Hangover I feared I would never overcome. And that was just my twenties!
“Since most of my friends are farther along in accomplishing their life goals than me, I feel behind in life, not as worthy as those who are fulfilling their goals. My self-confidence and trust in my own abilities have plummeted. I feel less motivated, energized, or excited to really work on figuring out what my path is. I feel confused, disconnected, and simply lost in regard to what I’m supposed to be doing.”
— Athena
If you are anything like me, you have taken great comfort in planning and attempting to control life. We all take great pride in setting goals and achieving them. We find value in living up to the expectations of others, and security in others’ living up to our expectations of them. But in those moments when things don’t go as expected, not only do we feel disappointed, but we begin to doubt everything — including ourselves.
We internalize the lack of desired external results by making it mean we did something wrong or were wronged. This creates suffering that can range from tolerable to unbearable. Disappointment is indeed part of the human experience, but is the suffering necessary? It’s easy to feel good when things are going well, but how do we reduce our suffering when they aren’t? Is it possible to transform disappointment?
The answer is yes — if we learn how to leverage disappointment so we get something out of it rather than only suffering through it. Your disappointment might be the best thing that ever happened to you. Expectation Hangovers are doorways to tremendous opportunities to heal issues from our past, change how we are living in the present, and create a future based on who we truly are rather than who we expected to be. The problem is that we become so blinded by what we think we want, and paralyzed by the pain of not getting it, that we do not see the transformational door that is opening.
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br /> We pray for things to be different even though we stay the same. We exhaust ourselves by working hard to change our external circumstances without changing ourselves. The fear of encountering another Expectation Hangover can be paralyzing, so we remain in the discomfort of our suffering. But not facing our disappointment and apprehension about taking a step forward is far more damaging than anything we are afraid of. Ultimate fulfillment is only possible when we change the habituated thoughts and responses that keep us at a very base, survival level. You want to thrive, not just survive, don’t you?
“Some changes look negative on the surface, but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
— Eckhart Tolle
WHAT TO EXPECT
There are many inspirational stories about people who have overcome huge obstacles and are now living “happily ever after.” We often hear the “before” and “after” story, but how did they get to the happy part? What exactly is the recipe for turning lemons into lemonade?
It begins with asking “What am I learning?” rather than “Why is this happening?” This question opens your mind to possibility and gets you out of feeling like a victim of your life. You can then leverage your disappointment rather than just attempting to get rid of it or wallowing in your suffering. This book is a step-by-step guide on how to do just that, on the emotional, mental, behavioral, and spiritual levels. Not addressing all these levels is like putting a Band-Aid on the Expectation Hangover, which increases the likelihood of reopening wounds from a particular disappointment at a later date.
Since we are not one-dimensional beings, I will be offering you a multidimensional approach that includes a range of tools and techniques. Make sure you have a journal to complete the written exercises in this book. I recommend handwriting your responses, rather than typing, as writing by hand helps you access the intuitive side of your brain. The book also includes guided visualizations that you can either read or download and listen to for free at www.expectationhangover.com/bonus. You’ll learn to leverage your vast human potential by tapping into your logical, conscious mind, your intuition and creativity, and your loving, wise heart.
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