CHRISTIAN’S STORY
The most effective way I treated my Expectation Hangover about not being where I thought I “should” be was to force myself to have a serious date with my thought life. Before I did this, my interactions with others were impacted by fearful thoughts that they would “find out” that I wasn’t really that successful; that I quit my job; that a relationship of mine ended; that I was a failure. I had based my supposed lack of success and happiness on the opinions of others, constantly comparing myself to them on Facebook. I had to stop myself from using inner language filled with put-downs and criticism, and think of myself as someone who was valuable as a person and not just for what I could put on a résumé. I learned that I have to stop giving myself such a hard time. I looked back at all the time I spent beating myself up about goals I hadn’t achieved, and I reframed them. I didn’t finish grad school? Whatever! (My ex-boyfriend had pushed me to do it.) I wasn’t married before all my friends and cousins? Whatever! (My parents had pushed me into thinking that was important.) I wasn’t working my dream career? Whatever! I have a decent job with a health plan, a 401(k), and a salary that allows me to live in a beautiful downtown apartment where I can use my free time for the activities I am really interested in.
My daily practice is to rein in the wandering, self-defeating thoughts. Every time I start to go down the path of “I should have done this, I could have done that…,” I acknowledge the thought and then put it aside and let it go. I focus on the present, and if I do let my mind embrace the past, I do it with a sense of accomplishment.
Redirecting also involves using the Horseback Rider to reframe your beliefs, thereby changing the context of your Expectation Hangover. During the economic downturn, David was a victim of corporate layoffs. In an instant the security of his full-time job was gone, and all he was left with was an apology, a small severance, and a box full of office supplies. Someone who had always taken great comfort in being a planner, David immediately went into a panic, unsure about what he was going to do next and feeling completely lost. When he was not talking about how bad and unfair things were or blaming himself in some way, he was negatively fantasizing about a future of being out of a job for years, getting behind on his career path, having to take out loans, and lots of hypothetical doomsday scenarios — none of which he could be absolutely sure were true. David’s thoughts were making his situation far more unbearable than it actually was.
There is our Expectation Hangover, and then there is the meaning we give to it. We often choose meanings that make us miserable. We suffer because we hold on for dear life to the belief that what we are going through is bad and that if our life were different in some way, it would be so much better. All of us at times fall into the trap of making assumptions. But what is actually true is that believing thoughts that make us feel bad continues to make us feel bad. David has the opportunity to redirect his thoughts about his layoff and alleviate his Expectation Hangover on the mental level. Instead of thinking of it as a horrible thing, he can think of it as an opportunity to pursue something new that he never would have done otherwise.
When a client comes to me with an Expectation Hangover, I compassionately listen to their story but do not react with the pity or shock they may receive from others or expect from me. I also do not affirm their story by agreeing with how terrible it is that they are experiencing this Expectation Hangover. My intention is to support them in using the tools of whoaing and redirecting, by challenging their thinking.
Sarah was thirty-five and suffering from an Expectation Hangover after her divorce. “If someone had told me that three years after I ended my marriage, I’d still be single, I would have never gotten a divorce.” Sarah unequivocally believed her life would be better if only she were in a committed romantic relationship, and she feared she was running out of time to have a family. I questioned Sarah on the assumptions she was making: “How do you know that your life would be so much better if you had a partner? How do you know being single cannot be enjoyable?” After considering the questions, Sarah replied, “Well, actually, I don’t know that any of that is true.”
Sarah began to realize that what was tormenting her were her repetitive thoughts and assumptions, not the reality of her situation. You will have the same realization when you ask yourself questions that challenge the beliefs that perpetuate your suffering. It is possible to alleviate the mental distress you are experiencing if you remain curious and willing to explore possibilities beyond your old beliefs.
Ask yourself whether there is another way you could look at your situation that is believable and makes you feel better. For example, Sarah began to believe that an amazing partner was in her future but was just taking the time to learn what he needed in order to be ready for her. She also began believing that this time could be a wonderful opportunity to develop a better relationship with herself and have some fun. These beliefs relieved Sarah from being so consumed by all her negative thoughts and freed space in her mind so she could feel peaceful and excited about her present and future.
Even if the circumstances of your life are different, you are no different than Sarah in terms of your ability to overcome your Expectation Hangover by questioning your beliefs and redirecting your thoughts toward new ones. The beliefs you want to be especially mindful of questioning are the ones with absolutes like “This always happens to me” or “Things never work out the way I hoped.” Beliefs like these imply a sense of permanence to your Expectation Hangover. Bust them by questioning them! How do you know anything will always happen or never work out? The reality is you do not.
“My Expectation Hangover taught me how much our perspective shapes our reality. I saw how rapidly my life changed when I changed my perspective from ‘this is the worst thing to happen to me’ to ‘this is the best thing.’ ”
— Greg
I love using Horseback Rider Rx to bust beliefs because it sets us free from unnecessary mental torture. When you ask a new question, your frontal lobe begins to disengage the neural circuits that are connected to old stories that perpetuate your Expectation Hangover, unwiring that old pattern. When your brain isn’t firing in the same way, you’re no longer creating the same mind.
ASHLEY’S STORY
About a year and a half ago, I officially opened the doors of my holistic health counseling business. I had very high expectations: I was going to be able to quit my day job in a year and go full-time with my counseling. I was going to be a desired health professional in my community, and people would be knocking down my door, wanting to work with me. Well that’s not exactly how things are turning out. I had to pick up an extra day at my crap job; I only have four clients; and I am still working my butt off day in and day out to get my name out there. I’ve dealt with a lot of disappointment and judgment toward myself because I held myself to an unrealistic expectation. I shamed myself for not being the successful businesswoman that I had initially planned to be.
My self-judgment and fear of failure consumed me for a long time — until I got an email from a former client. She wrote how much she appreciated the things I had helped her achieve in her life. Apparently, my encouragement, education, and support had worked, and I had helped one person! It was a huge wake-up call, and I was determined to redirect how I was thinking about my work. I began by believing that it was okay if I did not help thousands; if I could help just one more, it’d be worth it. I learned how to manage my negative self-talk and redirect my thoughts so they were supportive. I began to consider that perhaps I was going through these disappointments so that I could be better equipped to support other women who were going through similar struggles with self-confidence. Recently, I got invited to speak in front of one hundred young girls about building confidence, having self-compassion, and forging a strong sense of self. I know I wouldn’t have been able to do this if I hadn’t experienced my Expectation Hangover and altered my perspective.
EXERCISE
Rewriting Your Story
You are aware that the story you have believed about your Expectation Hangover most likely is not entirely true. So are you ready to write a new one? You can use the following exercise to challenge your old story and redirect your thoughts to a new one. As you go through this exercise, write your response to each question in your journal.
1.Find a quiet, comfortable place to sit where you won’t be interrupted. Go back to what you wrote for Your Storyboard (p. 72) and review the story you have been carrying around.
2.Go back to your Expectation Hangover Assessment Form (p. 28) and review your answers to questions 7–9 (about the beliefs triggered by your Expectation Hangover).
3.Identify and list the similarities between the story you’ve been carrying around and the beliefs triggered by your Expectation Hangover.
4.For each item in your list, ask yourself, “Do I know 100 percent that this belief is true?” Each time you answer no, run through steps 5–7 in this exercise in regard to the belief.
5.Use the Horseback Rider technique to guide your thoughts from assuming you know the truth to being inquisitive about what else could be true. What new belief (or set of beliefs) could you have that creates a sense of peace, relief, or even excitement?
6.If you believed this new belief (or set of beliefs), how would that affect your experience right now?
7.Start writing your new story by completing this sentence: “Instead of thinking the way I have been, I am now willing to think…”
Notice that through the process of redirecting, you are already feeling a sense of relief. You are elevating your consciousness by shifting the vibration of your thoughts. Continue to use Horseback Rider Rx to rein in and redirect your thoughts toward your reframed perspective!
“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.”
— Bertrand Russell
THOUGHT TIME TRAVEL
When we’re experiencing an Expectation Hangover, the comfort of the present moment escapes us. Instead, we spend a lot of mental energy in the past (which fuels guilt and regret) and the future (which fuels anxiety, worry, and fear). There is a difference between a true feeling and a physiological response to beliefs or thoughts that create guilt, regret, anxiety, worry, and fear. These states are most effectively treated with the techniques of the Horseback Rider rather than those of the Surfer since they can be alleviated by stopping and redirecting our thinking. Sometimes all the whoaing in the world will not stop your thoughts from time-traveling into the past or future. So I want to offer you some other features of Horseback Rider Rx to steer your mind when it starts to time-travel.
Past-Hacking: Treating Guilt and Regret
Allowing our mind to go to the past to recall fond memories is wonderful. But during an Expectation Hangover, time-traveling to the past is usually not a pleasant trip. I call it “past-hacking” because the definition of hack is “to cut or shape with rough or heavy blows.” Since when we go back into the past, we are usually either beating ourselves up or living in a fantasy about how much better things were, “hacking” is the perfect thing to call it.
Regret is one of the most common and painful mental activities that we engage in during an Expectation Hangover. We replay scenarios over and over in our head, thinking of all the things we could have done or said, which is miserable. Let me break it down: Something happens. You react, you make a choice, and you take action. Then time passes. And you think about what happened. You analyze it, obsess over it, and talk about it ad nauseam with your friends. You continue to gather information and knowledge. Then you take all this awareness and information you have in your head now and beat yourself up because you did not know it then — this is both unfair and unreasonable! Regret’s cousin is guilt. We experience guilt only when we believe we did something wrong or made a huge mistake. Regret and guilt keep you in the past. When you are consistently looking behind you, it is more difficult to move forward. Think of it this way: If you drove your car by only looking in the rearview mirror, would you ever get to your destination?
Letting go of regret and guilt is possible when we learn from our past and take those lessons into our present and future. We can leverage our past by committing to responding differently in the future. We all make so-called mistakes. Remember, you are human, so stop placing an expectation on yourself that you are supposed to get it “right” all the time! Rewinding time is not possible, and what happened is over. Beating yourself up, wishing it was different, or feeling guilty is not going to change it and is a waste of your precious energy. Next time a similar situation comes along, you will have new awareness and an opportunity to do a little better. Continue using Horseback Rider Rx to guide your thoughts back to this truth: you did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
MAY’S STORY
My best friend stopped speaking to me and ended our friendship because he felt I had let him down and betrayed him. I find it extremely hard to accept what’s happened, forgive myself, and move on, because I feel responsible and to blame for everything. He confided in me, and I broke his trust by sharing his secret with another person. I feel awful about it and never thought the secret would get out. As much as I’d like to change the past, I realize that I cannot. I wrote him several apology letters to gain a sense of closure and completion. My disappointment and regret taught me how toxic gossip is in relationships. I am taking this lesson about integrity into my friendships now and have vowed to no longer engage in gossip. This experience has also made me realize how important trust is in any relationship. I will consider the consequences of my actions and bring my awareness to being a more compassionate and trustworthy person so the love I feel on the inside ultimately shows on the outside.
“We cannot change the past, but we can change our attitude toward it. Uproot guilt and plant forgiveness. Tear out arrogance and seed humility. Exchange love for hate — thereby making the present comfortable and the future promising.”
— Maya Angelou
EXERCISE
Releasing Guilt and Regret
Guilt and regret are occupying valuable real estate in your mind that could be used to build upon thoughts that move you forward rather than backward. Using the Horseback Rider to steer your thoughts toward investigation and prevention, this sacred process will help your mind let go of the past rather than rehashing it in your mind. Follow the steps below and answer each question in your journal.
1.Find a quiet, comfortable place to sit where you won’t be interrupted. Bring to mind the experience related to your Expectation Hangover that you feel guilty and/or regretful about. When you feel connected to that place, you are going to write a confession. Don’t worry — you are only confessing to yourself at this point. (If you feel it would be in service to treating your Expectation Hangover, you may share your confession.) The process of confession is one of unburdening. Include all the details, your reasons, your thoughts, your beliefs about the experience, and so on. Get your guilt and regret over your Expectation Hangover out of your head and onto paper.
2.Attune to your Higher Self and bring forward compassion and understanding toward yourself. Steer your thoughts toward investigation and away from self-judgment, and answer these questions:
What did you learn about yourself?
What did you learn about someone else or a situation?
How would you like to behave differently in the future?
3.Based on what you learned, what commitment would you like to make to yourself about how you will respond in the future? Avoid using absolutes like always and never, as those words are highly charged with expectation. Instead, consider what kind of agreement with yourself would feel encouraging but not punishing. Here are some examples clients of mine have written as they worked with releasing guilt and regret from their Expectation Hangovers:
I vow to tell the truth even if it feels scary for me.
I agree to speak up rather than hold something inside.
I promise myself to only pursue romantic relationshi
ps with available people.
I vow to listen to my intuition.
I agree to be kind to my coworkers.
I promise to show up fully in my relationships with family members and tell them I love them every day.
I agree to honor the commitments I have made and seek out support to work through the issues that make it difficult for me to keep them.
I vow to be trustworthy by keeping my word with myself and the promises I make to others.
4.Take time to attune to your personal vow, promise, or agreement. You know you are on course when you start to experience some mental relief. Making new commitments assists us in feeling absolved from something that has been keeping us stuck in guilt or regret.
5.Once you settle upon a commitment (you could have several), write it out on a sheet of paper, sign it, and date it. Say it out loud in front of a mirror to truly hold yourself accountable and anchor this sacred process.
Whenever you feel thoughts creep in that lead you back to guilt or regret, use the Horseback Rider technique to guide your thoughts toward your vow instead.
Get Your Past off a Pedestal
“The past is a great place and I don’t want to erase it or to regret it, but I don’t want to be its prisoner either.”
— Mick Jagger
During an Expectation Hangover our mind can play tricks on us like completely altering our memories. We often recall things as much better than they actually were, forgetting the truth and romanticizing our past. This creates senseless suffering.
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