Expectation Hangover

by Christine Hassler

  9.When you are ready, slowly open your eyes and bring your awareness back into the room.

  LIVING INSIDE OUT

  “As long as anyone believes that his ideal and purpose is outside him, that it is above the clouds, in the past or in the future, he will go outside himself and seek fulfillment where it cannot be found. He will look for solutions and answers at every point except where they can be found — in himself.”

  — Erich Fromm

  During the height of my many Expectation Hangovers, I would begin sessions with my coach feeling depressed, anxious, or an uncomfortable combination of both. I blamed my state of discontent on the fact that things in my life just were not going the way I wanted. If only I could find my soul mate or a career I could be passionate about, then I would feel confident, happy, and fulfilled. My coach would say, “None of that matters or will make any difference if you get it. You gotta live in-out and not out-in!” At the time, it was so frustrating to hear because I just wanted her to tell me the answer that would make me feel better. You see, at that time I did not have the patience of a Seeker.

  Most of us live a bit backward. The outer circumstances of life become the conductor of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. And once we’ve boarded this out-in train, we enter a cycle of looking for something on the outside to ease the uneasiness inside. What we are truly searching for is a sense of inner contentment, no matter what is or isn’t happening in our outside world. Contentment is actually our natural state because from a soul-line perspective, nothing is missing. We just forget this because we get so fixated on the goal line, where there is an infinite supply of distractions that we think will lead to fulfillment.

  “Losing what I thought was ‘everything’ taught me that the real ‘everything’ I ever wanted is already inside me. All the information, the love, the acceptance, the motivation, the passion is there, waiting to be ignited.”

  — Gloria

  This does not mean that we should minimize or not enjoy the things in our external world. I experience a deep sense of personal fulfillment after facilitating a workshop and witnessing people’s transformation. I am filled with joy when I call my young nephew and hear him say, “I love you, Auntie” in his cute little voice. I am uplifted by time with my friends when we are laughing. And I feel a great sense of satisfaction when I accomplish something like finishing a book or completing a challenging workout. However, I do not rely on those external things to be the source of my internal state.

  Everything you desire is within you. It’s actually rather ironic: Spirit places the things we most desire closest to us so they are easy to find, but it’s the last place we look! You will not only understand, but embody, this if you reorient yourself from out-in to in-out. I want you to think of a time in your life when you felt total elation, a time you felt really joyful. As you recall the memory, feel the joy, the love, the smile on your face, the connection you experienced. Bring all the qualities you were feeling at that time fully into your awareness. Are you feeling it? Please do not continue reading until you bring forward those amazing feelings you felt. I want you to be aware of your ability to bring all those feelings forward simply with a memory. The truth is you were not having the experience, but you were able to generate joy. That is because the joy lives in you. The memory merely elicited the joy that lives inside you.

  KATIE’S STORY

  I always wanted to escape the small town in Oklahoma where I grew up and move to New York City. I knew if I could just get to a more inspired city, then everything I ever wanted would be available to me. So I left everything I knew, with two suitcases and a few hundred dollars. Although I am happy to say my time in New York City consisted of many good memories and life-changing experiences, it wasn’t exactly the Sex and the City solution I expected.

  It took me a while to realize this because, on the outside, everything looked pretty good — I had a cute apartment, a good job, and many opportunities. My ego soared as I moved up in the world and lived the “glamorous” lifestyle I had dreamed of. However, none of this ultimately mattered because underneath the sparkly exterior was a girl with an intense Expectation Hangover. Despite the impression I gave the world, I felt the same way I did back home — lost, insecure, and not good enough. Slowly but surely, my sparkly exterior began to crack. I was going into debt, making bad choices, and becoming more and more depressed. I was in the “greatest city in the world,” and all I did was sit in my apartment watching TV. The best way to sum up what my Expectation Hangover taught me is the saying “Wherever you go, there you are.” I thought that I could outrun my insecurities and weaknesses, but I actually needed to look at them with compassion and allow them to heal.

  I put my ego aside and asked what my soul really needed, and it was clear that it was time to move back to Oklahoma and build a more solid foundation. I have gotten so much more clarity about what I want and who I want to be. I still don’t know exactly what and how it will all work out, but I know that I never want to look outside myself for the answers. A question that really helps me remember what is important is, “If I removed all the expectations and comparisons, what would really matter to me?”

  TOOL

  Forgiveness

  “Forgiveness is the fragrance a violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”

  — Mark Twain

  I consider forgiveness a tool to use on the spiritual level because I have found that it is the most spiritual thing we do as humans. Yet it is often underused because it is misunderstood. Since we have been conditioned to be externally focused, we have gotten into the bad habit of blaming someone else, ourselves, or a combination of both for our Expectation Hangovers.

  Most Expectation Hangovers tend to come with a cast of characters that, from our perspective, played a role in delivering disappointment. Our egos get really attached to being right, which often perpetuates blame, resentment, and holding on to grudges. We resist forgiving because we believe we were wronged and think we need to hold on to our judgments of a person or situation to feel justified. What is key to understand about forgiveness is that it is not about letting someone else off the hook — it is about setting you free. Forgiveness does not mean we are agreeing with or condoning what happened. Forgiveness does mean we are letting go of the judgments we’ve been harboring inside. Also, when it comes to forgiving someone else, it is not something that has to be done face-to-face with anyone, nor does the other person have to forgive us to be forgiven. Forgiveness is something we do inside ourselves.

  “Forgiveness helped me to believe in myself; to awaken in consciousness; to take care of myself on all levels; to recognize that I could not and would not ever ‘fix’ anyone other than myself; to let go of judgments that I failed; to let go of resentment and judgment held against others; to know my truth; and to believe in love again, starting with myself, in a whole new way.”

  — Joanne

  I invite you to set yourself free by seeing the people in your life, including those you judged as harming you, from the perspective of a Seeker. Be willing to see their life curriculum and know that they have experienced things that have been painful. Their Expectation Hangovers have triggered behavior that may have been the source of yours. People who seemingly harm others are coming from a place of profound disconnection. Everyone is truly doing the best they can. Even if you feel passionately that they knew better or could do better, it is unreasonable to expect people to act the way we would have acted in a similar situation. To ascend on the soul line, we must be willing to drop our expectations of others and forgive them for any suffering we have accused them of causing. Be a Seeker rather than a victim by seeing their pain and having compassion for their human experience rather than holding on to pain and blame.

  June’s mother was an alcoholic, and all her life June tried to find ways to get her sober. Each day, June awoke hoping that it would be the day her mom stopped drinking. And each day, she was disappointed because her mother didn’t stop. June never s
tood up for herself when her mother insulted her or criticized her life because she thought that if she hurt her mother’s feelings, she would just drink more. If June sought out help, her mother would not talk to her for months. Over the years, June had a chronic Expectation Hangover because her mother was not the mother she wished for. June struggled with depression, built up resentment, and spent a lot of time alone because it was challenging for her to trust anyone.

  Recently, through another family member, June learned that her mother had a terrible childhood full of abuse and that her own mother drank to excess when she was pregnant. As she got the full picture of her mother’s life curriculum, June was able to see that her alcoholism was a result of her childhood. The grand lesson June learned when she shifted to the perspective of a Seeker was that her mom was doing the best she could, given where she had come from. June was then able to forgive her mother and accept and love her for how and where she is on her life’s journey. Forgiveness has been the key to recovering from a forty-year-old hangover. June says, “I learned to drop expectations and to just forgive. My Expectation Hangover taught me I can unconditionally love my mother for who she is. I can see the good in her. I feel free from negative thoughts and self-sabotaging behavior. There will be no more harsh judgments or unrealistic expectations coming from me. The biggest blessing is that I feel peaceful and joyous.”

  Instead of holding on to blame or feelings of rejection, move into appreciation of the “soul mates” who have come into your life to teach you valuable lessons about love. That’s right, a soul mate isn’t some magical person who sweeps you off your feet and completes you (I guess I won’t be hired to write any chick-flick movie scripts anytime soon). There is no “one” because everyone who comes in and out of our life is the perfect one for what we are supposed to learn. Forgiving all of our soul mates is an act of self-love. The ones you feel hurt you the most are most often the ones who give you the greatest gift of all: an opportunity to create a more loving relationship with yourself.

  “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”

  — Lucille Ball

  DANA’S STORY

  He turned to me, held my hand, looked me in the eyes (his eyes filled with tears), and he said, “I don’t love you, and I don’t know if I ever will.” With those few words my world came crashing down. This man was the first person I spoke to every day and the last person I spoke to when I put my head on my pillow at night. He has four wonderful daughters who made me smile every day. This relationship was my rock, and it was my light and the love that filled my heart. It had all gone dark and was shattered. I struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety. I cried and cried and cried. I went through each day completely numb. I focused on everything I thought I wasn’t. Was I not pretty enough? Not skinny enough? Not kind enough? Not smart enough? Did I not love him enough? Love his kids enough? My head was a huge mess. I went back through every minute and every day of our relationship, trying to determine what I did wrong: What didn’t I do? What didn’t I say? What did I say? How could he not love me? How on earth did I mess up?

  I had a wake-up call when a coworker said to me, “You really have not broken up, because you are still in a relationship with him in your mind by trying to figure out what you did wrong. Let him go by forgiving yourself — and him.” She suggested writing a forgiveness letter (that I would never mail) as a way to release him and myself. At first, I resisted because I was still holding on to some small bit of hope. I put off writing the letter because it felt so terminal. Finally one day I did it. I sat down to write the letter with a clear intention to set us both free and forgive. I wrote about my anger and sadness and what I wished would have happened. Then all the lessons I learned and experiences we shared that I was grateful for got clearer. I wrote what I was forgiving him for and what I forgave myself for. And I finally let go — not just of the grief about it ending, but also of the fantasy about it ever coming back. All the space that was being taken up with hurt, judgment, and expectation was now filled with forgiveness. I was flooded with compassion for us both. For the first time in a long time, I felt free. This breakup taught me that I truly do have the capacity to love, I am love, and I am loved unconditionally! Today I treat myself with love and compassion. I am better prepared now to handle any hangover and forgive myself, learn from it, and move on.

  “There was literally a point where I tried to think of one single thing I liked about myself and came up empty. Even though my friends and family were sympathetic and forgiving toward me, I was not yet able to give myself that same unconditional love. The biggest blessing from my Expectation Hangover is that I learned that mistakes are simply a part of life, yet it is how we deal with them that can really have an impact. At first, I dealt with my mistakes by being mean to myself and incredibly regretful. Once I learned to forgive myself and be unconditionally loving to myself, I was able to see my mistake as a great learning opportunity, and everything shifted for me.”

  — Angela

  Often the person we have the hardest time forgiving is ourself. Plagued by regret, we buy into the misunderstanding that if we forgive ourselves, we may be letting ourselves off the hook. Or that we will not learn the lesson we need to learn. This could not be further from the truth. We all make so-called mistakes. The process of forgiveness recognizes that we are all humans doing the best we can at any moment in spite of the fact that our performance falls short of our expectations. Please release the expectation that you are supposed to get it “right” all the time. If you continue to beat yourself up, treating an Expectation Hangover is not possible because you cannot transform when you are still harboring judgments.

  You are ready to forgive. You have called upon the Surfer, who has supported you in working through feelings such as anger, resentment, sadness, and shame. The Horseback Rider has reined in your thoughts so you do not get stuck in a cycle of blameful or guilt-ridden thoughts and has helped you reframe your beliefs in a way that keeps you out of victimville. The Scientist has assisted you in altering behaviors, setting boundaries, and taking value-inspired action. It is now time to call upon the Seeker to give you the spiritual altitude you need to set yourself free.

  The Seeker is here to help you understand that no one can actually make us feel anything! We choose our inner response to everything in our life, and holding on to all that anger and harboring resentment against others offer no relief from our Expectation Hangovers. Remember, every person is a fellow student in the classroom of life, and we are all helping each other, sometimes in seemingly painful ways, with our spiritual curriculum.

  To be effective at using this power tool of forgiveness, there are two key points to understand. First, what we are actually forgiving ourselves for is judgments we have made against ourselves. And we forgive others (including Spirit) for judgments we have made against them. We are also forgiving ourselves for misunderstandings we have formed or limiting beliefs we have bought into about ourselves, someone else, or life. We are not really forgiving the events. Remember, on the soul line, where the Seeker resides, there is no such thing as good or bad — there is only what happened. Second, just saying a bunch of words in our head about how we forgive something will not release judgments and the toxic emotions that go with them. The energy underneath our words when forgiving must be compassion. Compassion is unconditional love and acceptance. It’s not feeling sorry for; it’s not trying to fix or change; it’s just being a loving presence.

  “Life is an adventure in forgiveness.”

  — Norman Cousins

  EXERCISE

  Self-Forgiveness

  You can download the audio version of this exercise at www.expectationhangover.com/bonus

  To truly experience inner freedom, we must not harbor ill will toward anyone, including ourselves. It is the Seeker within all of us who knows that Love is our essence, and anything that blinds us to seeing this must b
e dissolved so we are free to be who we truly are. Forgiveness is the doorway to that freedom. This exercise is adapted from the soul-centered basic skill “Facilitating Compassionate Self-Forgiveness” from the University of Santa Monica.

  1.Find a quiet, comfortable place to sit where you won’t be interrupted. You will be saying things out loud, so it is important you have your privacy. It may be helpful to refer back to your Expectation Hangover Assessment Form (p. 28) and Your Storyboard (p. 72) to bring forward beliefs and experiences that would be liberating to forgive.

  2.Refer back to the visualization exercise Connecting with Your Own Compassion (p. 52) to cultivate the feeling of compassion. Feel the compassion that you would direct toward someone you unconditionally love, and as you begin to experience it, turn it toward yourself. Anything we feel toward another, we can feel toward ourselves.

  3.Once you are experiencing self-compassion, you are ready to move into forgiveness by forgiving yourself for judgments you have made against yourself and others, as well as forgiving yourself for misunderstandings and limiting beliefs you have bought into. Use the following sentence stems to form self-forgiveness statements that you will say one by one out loud (it is important to use the exact wording so you capture the essence of forgiving judgments):

  I forgive myself for judging myself as…(For example: I forgive myself for judging myself as undesirable and unsuccessful.)

  I forgive myself for judging…as…(For example: I forgive myself for judging my mother as critical.)

  I forgive myself for judging myself for…(For example: I forgive myself for judging myself for cheating.)