It was early afternoon, two days after we’d decided that I should infiltrate the cult. I was at an alternative spirituality and lifestyle fair, the fourth one I’d visited. It was being held in a convention center, a huge hall filled with hundreds of booths, stalls and tents. Calahan’s notes had said that the cult sometimes recruited at them. We’d managed to piece together a very rough idea of what sort of people they were looking for: intelligent, stable but in need of something, looking for guidance or direction. It was a pretty loose description and I didn’t know if I was projecting the right image. How do you look like you’re in need of something? Especially when you’re not. One thing I knew: with Aedan in my life, I wasn’t in need of a damn thing.
I wandered the aisles, getting more and more edgy. All around me, people were offering everything from yoga retreats to crystal healing, from ingredients for casting spells to courses on how to become more “marriable.” Some of it was very mainstream, some of it was weird as hell. But I hadn’t seen anything that might be the cult.
“Find anything good?”
I twisted to find the voice. The woman was standing to my side, grinning at me. She had long, laser-straight hair the color of corn and was a few years younger than me. “Sorry. Just: I keep seeing you wandering around. I’ve been here like, two hours? Is there anything good?”
I smiled and relaxed. It was a relief to take a break from the mission, just for thirty seconds. “Not much. A lot of weird.” I pointed. “There’s a really big guy with no shirt and a walrus mustache selling massages back there.”
The woman’s face fell. “Oh! Um. That’s my dad.”
My smile collapsed and I flushed beet red. “Oh, shit. I’m really—I’m sure he’s—”
She snorted and doubled over, laughing, shaking her head. “I’m sorry. Couldn’t resist. Your face!”
I blinked and then grinned myself. I liked her. She reminded me of myself, before my parents died, when I was still carefree.
“I’m Gwen,” she told me.
“Sylvie.”
“Nice to meet you, Sylvie.” She threw an arm around my waist and we started walking. “So what brings you here?”
I opened my mouth and then hesitated. I figured I should probably maintain my cover, just in case anyone was listening. “I’m not sure,” I said at last. “I just sort of feel like there’s something missing.”
Gwen nodded. “I’m the same. Went to a talk this morning on voluntary work overseas, helping to build schools and stuff, but it didn’t feel like my thing.” She looked at me with big, concerned eyes. “Does that make me a bad person?”
I gripped her arm. “No! Not at all. I think you’ve got to find what works for you.” I was sure she was a student, now. She really did remind me of me when I was younger, happy and eager but full of self-doubt. I looked around as we passed more stalls. “I’ve been here for hours and I haven’t found anything that grabs me.”
Gwen sighed. “Closest I came was with a sort of...I don’t even know what you’d call them. A movement? Trying to just sort of...make the world better. Help each other.”
“Yeah? What do they call themselves?”
“Aeternus.”
I had to work hard to look casual. “So what happened?”
Gwen shook her head. “The guy was really nice and everything. But I think it’s more for people a couple of years older. Like, with a job and everything. I didn’t want to be the only one my age.”
I nodded, trying to contain the swelling excitement in my chest. Maybe the cult didn’t recruit anyone under twenty-one, to avoid trouble from worried parents. I looked around. “Whereabouts were they?”
“Way down the other end,” said Gwen, pointing. “They’re sort of hidden away at the back. C’mon, I’ll show you.”
I let her tow me along, nodding and smiling as she started talking about the classes she was taking and the party she was going to that night. But I could feel myself gearing up for a fight, physical and mental. This was it. This was going to be the first time any of us had actually met someone from the cult. I straightened my spine, felt my breathing quicken. I realized I was unconsciously forming fists with my hands and had to force myself to stop. Act innocent! Be the victim!
That thought sent unease snaking up my spine. Gwen thought she was being friendly and helpful but she was leading me right to people we knew were incredibly dangerous. What if I really did become a victim, just another of the cult’s thousands of members?
At that moment, we passed a stall selling palm readings...and when the huge, broad-shouldered man browsing it turned his head, I saw that it was Aedan. He caught my eye for a second. I hadn’t seen him look so scared for me since we’d stepped into the hay bale ring to fight each other to the death. He looked as if he wanted to grab my hand, tear me away from Gwen, and drag me home to safety. I had to look away quickly so that Gwen didn’t notice. But the fact he was here, watching me, pushed my own fear away. And somewhere here, Sean and Louise, Carrick and Annabelle and Kian were watching, too. Six people had my back. I was perfectly safe.
Just as Gwen said, the tent was hard to find. It was small, only about ten feet across, wedged up against the wall at the very back of the hall. You had to push between the final row of stalls to get to it: if I hadn’t known, I would have presumed it was some employees-only thing. “There you go,” she said.
“Okay. Hey, thanks.”
Gwen beamed. “No problem. I’m going to run: I want to have a last look around and then I have to get back for classes. Nice meeting you.”
She gave me a quick, unexpected hug and dashed off. And I was left staring at the entrance to the tent. Am I really going to do this? All my fears suddenly came back.
Then I glanced back along the aisle and saw Aedan, then Sean, then Kian, all watching me. If I backed out now, none of them would blame me. When Aedan and I had come in from the garden and told the others our plan, they’d all tried to talk me out of it.
But if I ran, we’d lose our only chance to find Bradan. I took a deep breath and pushed through the tent flaps.
Gwen must have taken me to the wrong tent.
I’d unconsciously developed expectations, a couple of vague stereotypes in my head. One was the old, silver-haired guy in long white robes who’d call me my child and would speak in a calming voice and then try to grope me. The other was a young, Hollywood-handsome guy, all white teeth and infectious laugh, who’d talk me into signing away all my possessions.
But this guy? This guy looked like someone’s dad.
He was in his fifties with soft, curling hair that refused to lie straight and was thinning on top. He wore a white shirt with his slacks but no tie and he was just a little overweight. He sat behind an office desk and, save for some crates, that’s all there was in the tent: no incense or crystal balls or cushions to sit on.
He looked up from his paperwork and grinned at me. It wasn’t salacious or predatory, it didn’t creep me out. It was friendly and curious. When I just stood there staring, he said, “You look a little lost.”
I am definitely in the wrong place. “I’m sorry. My friend said…” I looked over my shoulder, towards the hall, but the tent flaps had swung closed behind me. It was warm inside the tent: the hall’s air conditioning didn’t reach in here. “I was looking for Aeternus.”
He spread his arms wide. This time, his grin was almost sheepish. “You found them!” He glanced down at himself, then around at the tent, as if he was afraid he didn’t quite measure up.
I was utterly thrown. This couldn’t be them. This couldn’t be the same group who brainwashed Aedan’s mom, who manipulated the courts and had their dad thrown in jail. Who spirited away Bradan, never to be seen again. I stood there with my mouth open like an idiot until the guy took pity on me. “What made you seek us out?” he asked.
“I…” I didn’t know what to do. The plan was for me to sit through whatever talk they gave me, asking questions where I could and finding out as much as possi
ble. Then I’d leave and, if I hadn’t gotten what we needed, the guys would come in and we’d damn well beat it out of him. But I couldn’t imagine us beating this guy. He was so...normal. Stick to the plan, I decided. Play along. “I guess...I feel like there’s something missing in my life,” I lied.
He nodded. “What’s missing?”
I wasn’t ready for that. “I...I don’t know.”
“You’re not happy?”
“No. I mean, yes, I’m happy.”
“You have a job? A home?”
“Yes. Both of those. But….” Even though it was only an act, I started to feel ashamed, like an over-privileged idiot. Why was he trying to push me away? Was I not suitable, like Gwen?
“Friends?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said firmly. And then felt a stab of guilt, as if I’d lied. But I do have friends! I had Aedan and Alec….
The guy just waited patiently. He must have been able to see something in my expression because he looked sympathetic. My face went hot. No! I don’t need your sympathy! I’m not some crazy cat lady who lives all alone with no friends! I was just fine. I wanted him to know that. But I couldn’t seem to find a way to explain.
“You’re friendly,” the guy said slowly. “There are people you work with, people you say hi to when you go into their store, and people you talk to every day on the internet. But if one of those people says: hey, how are you doing? And actually, something’s really wrong in your life? You don’t feel you can tell them so you lie and say you’re okay. And if you have an emergency, a real crisis, at three in the morning, you scroll through your list of Facebook friends and there’s no one you know well enough to call.”
My mouth moved but nothing came out for a few seconds. “Yes,” I said at last.
The guy nodded. “I know exactly how that feels.” For the first time, he gave me a long, steady look, right in the eye, and it felt like he actually did know. He leaned back in his chair, nodding at the one across from him, and I sat. “I’m Martin, by the way.”
“Sylvie.” I could feel something inside me. Not something new: something that had been there for a long time, but that I’d never admitted to myself until now. A deep, dark chasm.
“You want some water?” He picked up a jug of water from the desk.
Suddenly, I felt myself go straight back onto high alert. No! They use drugs! Don’t eat or drink anything! I shook my head. “I’m good.” I hadn’t realized how much I’d relaxed. Why had I sat down? If he’d asked me to, I probably would have said no to that, too, but he’d just sort of nodded to the chair and I’d done it. Stay focused! I sat up straight.
Martin dropped a slice of lemon into his glass and poured himself some water, then sat back in his chair. “You’ve suddenly gone nervous,” he said.
I flushed and tried to relax my shoulders. Maybe I wasn’t good at all this spy stuff: he could read me like a book. I felt stupid...and hot. God, it was hot in here: with the tent flaps closed, no air was moving. No wonder he’d wanted the water. I wished I’d asked for one, now: clearly it wasn’t drugged if he was drinking it. “Yeah,” I said. “I’m just nervous about getting involved with something….” I trailed off but he waited patiently for me. “...weird,” I said at last.
He raised an eyebrow as if offended, but he was trying not to laugh, too.
I flushed again. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…” Why am I apologizing? “I just don’t want to be....changed.”
“Changed?” He leaned forward, concerned. “You think that’s what we do?”
I was completely lost. One half of me was screaming that this was the enemy, that these were the people Calahan, even the President had warned us about. The other half of me was telling me not to be ridiculous. “Isn’t it?” I asked lamely. I licked my lips: my mouth had gone dry, in the heat. “I mean, isn’t that what all, um...movements do? Get you all thinking the same way, so you’re all...clones?”
“No,” said Martin with what sounded like genuine sadness. He lowered his voice: I had to really concentrate to hear it. “We’re the opposite of that. We celebrate difference. We think that everyone has something to offer. Everyone has unique skills, you included.” He said the last two words with such firmness that I felt a little glow of pride, despite everything. “And we think that we can all use them to make the world a better place.” He closed his eyes and smiled. “Does that sound corny?”
Actually it sounded...perfectly reasonable. Nice, even. But I said, “A little.”
He shook his head and looked around. “Sorry. This isn’t really my department, introducing new people. I’m more of a numbers guy, I help out with the books.”
I found myself nodding. I was relaxing again. Every time my alarm bells went off, he said something that quieted them. My mouth was so dry. And Martin was drinking his water again, it looked so good. It’s safe. He’s drinking it. But what if he’d somehow made himself immune to it? Or taken some counter-drug first. I cursed inwardly: was I being stupidly paranoid or healthily cautious?
Then I saw my salvation. Sitting in the corner was a whole pallet of Coke, the cans still in their shrink wrap. No way that was drugged, not unless Coca-Cola was in league with the cult. “Um...could I have a Coke, please?”
He looked around as if he’d forgotten it was there, then grinned and went over to grab me one. “Sure!” It took him a moment to wrestle one free of all the packaging. “It’s pretty warm, I’m afraid.”
“Warm is fine.” I was grinning, so relieved to finally have something to drink.
Martin opened up an ice bucket, dropped a couple of cubes of ice into a glass, added a slice of lemon and poured in the Coke. “Let me tell you about me,” he said, settling back in his chair again.
I took a drink of my Coke. Oh, God that was good. The ice chilled it just enough and I could feel it sluicing through my body, taking my temperature down.
“I thought I was no good to anyone,” said Martin. He stopped and looked me in the eye. “You think I’m going to say I was a criminal, don’t you? A drug addict, on the street, and then I found Aeternus and turned my life around?”
I felt my face grow hot again. I had been thinking it would be something along those lines. “No,” I lied. I drank some more Coke to cover my embarrassment.
He threw back his head and laughed: a warm, easy sound. Comforting. “It’s nothing that dramatic,” he said apologetically. “I had a good life. Worked in a nice office. I was an accountant. That’s why I help out with the books now: that’s my skill. And I knew people. I went out for beers with the guys I worked with. But I worked pretty hard. Didn’t have much time to socialize. My close friends took jobs in other cities and we drifted apart.”
I nodded. That sounded a lot like me, back in New York. With our parents dead, Alec and I had been too busy working to pay the bills to have social lives. And all of my friends were at college: when I had to drop out, I lost touch with them.
“I mean...I was okay,” said Martin. “I don’t want to sound like I was sat at home with no life. I knew plenty of people. I just…” He sighed. “I had friends but not...buddies. Guys you can go and get drunk with when you’ve broken up with your girlfriend. Guys who’d have your back in a bar fight. Guys you’d tell your deepest secrets to. Friends for life. You know? I didn’t have that.”
I leaned forward in my chair and nodded again. That did sound eerily familiar. I had Alec, of course. But we’d leaned on each other so heavily that I’d never found my own tight circle of friends. And now he was off with Jessica. Sure, I had Aedan, but who was I supposed to talk to about Aedan, about female stuff, about how I was feeling? Sometimes, I’d type a message to someone I knew on Facebook and then delete it, unsent, because I didn’t know them well enough. I wanted women I could sit and talk to, with wine and a tub of ice cream and a movie on in the background that no one wound up watching because we were all getting stuff off our chests about husbands and boyfriends and bosses and life. And I didn’t have them. It was worse no
w I was living in Chicago and didn’t know anyone but even in New York, I’d felt alone. And I’d never felt able to talk to anyone about it, not even Alec or Aedan, because not having friends is a problem you’re meant to have when you’re six. I could feel the chasm inside me more clearly, now, deep and black and spilling out freezing air.
“I guess…” Martin looked at the ceiling, thinking. He almost seemed to have forgotten I was there. “I guess...sometimes, I just needed to know if I’m acting crazy. I wanted friends who knew me well enough to tell me if I was being an idiot. And friends who could reassure me I wasn’t going nuts when I got angry or upset or whatever. Friends I didn’t have to pretend with, you know?” He looked at me and grinned, sheepish again. “I’m sorry. Is this making any sense at all?”
I nodded a third time. Yes! I drank some more of my Coke. This is just like me!
“So...I started looking around, much like you did today. And I found Aeternus. For the first time, I was part of something. Something bigger than me, something...warm.” He looked down at his desk and went quiet for a while. “Real friends. Friends you can share anything with. Friends who’d do anything for each other. And after so long being silently lonely, it just felt…” He shook his head. “It’s hard to describe. Can you imagine how good it felt?”
And I could. The chasm was yawning wide inside me, now, chilling me, and I could imagine it filled with light and warmth, with friends who’d giggle and sob and hug. Real friends, not just names in a list of likes on a Facebook post. I imagined all that love and affection radiating out, filling me instead of the loneliness emptying me. “Yes!” I said firmly.
Martin nodded. “Why don’t you tell me your story?”
And I began.
27
Aedan
“Something’s wrong,” I said. My eyes were locked on the door of the tent.
“It’s fine,” said Kian in my ear. He’d bought some radios and earpieces for all of us so we could stay in touch without clustering together and looking suspicious. Maybe it felt normal for him, being a Secret Service agent, but the feel of the plastic bud in my ear was driving me crazy. “This was always the plan. She needs to talk to them, get everything she can out of them. Then she’ll walk out and we’ll go in.”
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