The Undercover Mother_A laugh-out-loud romantic comedy about love, friendship and parenting

by Emma Robinson

  Antonia was nonplussed. ‘So, why doesn’t she just get a childminder and go back to work full-time?’

  Maybe Antonia, who hadn’t worked even before she had Jessica, was the wrong audience for this conversation. Still, Jenny tried.

  ‘Because maybe her job takes up a lot of time. And maybe she feels guilty about leaving her baby.’ And maybe she has the kind of job which involves a lot of socialising and she would never get to see her child, or her husband, because her job had the tendency to take over her life. Jenny pushed down the lump in her throat with another forkful of cake.

  Antonia looked bored. ‘She should just make up her mind as to what she wants then, rather than moaning about it to complete strangers.’

  ‘She wasn’t moaning exactly. She was just… talking. Trying to figure out how you can… you know… do both. Be with your baby, go to work, see your friends, kiss your husband occasionally.’

  Antonia snorted derisively. ‘That sounds exhausting. There aren’t enough hours in the day for all that, darling. Sounds to me as if your new friend has a serious case of FOMO.’

  Jenny gave up trying to explain to Antonia that it was more than just a Fear Of Missing Out. ‘Maybe.’

  Antonia stirred her coffee and then scooped the foam from the top with almost medical precision. ‘I don't suppose there were any men there today, were there?’

  On the surface, the question seemed idle, but there was something about the way Antonia carefully avoided Jenny’s eye as she asked it that piqued Jenny’s interest. ‘No, I don’t think there were any at all. Why, do any dads go normally?’

  Antonia put her spoon down and picked up her cup. Her expression had closed down again. She clearly wasn’t going to share why she had asked about the men. ‘From time to time, but not often. Put off by all that undiluted oestrogen, I should think.’

  Jenny could well believe it. Dan would rather have his eyes gouged out with a baby spoon than set foot in a place like that. Mind you, she’d been quite surprised to find Antonia there, too. The Cath Kidston tablecloths and bone china plates of this coffee shop seemed a much more appropriate habitat for her.

  ‘I must admit, I never pictured you as the baby group type, either.’

  Antonia tucked a rare stray hair behind her ear. ‘Oh, I’m not. I've only been a few times and I only stay if there’s someone worth talking to.’

  Jenny marvelled at how perfect Antonia looked. Even though she was wearing a long-sleeved top on a really warm day, she looked cool and classy. Meticulous make-up, crisp clothes and perfectly painted fingernails gave off an aura of elegance and style. Self-consciously, Jenny put a hand over the milk stain down the front of her own top and shuffled her legs further under the table to camouflage her crumpled trousers.

  ‘Well, it was a nice surprise to see you. It feels like ages since we were at your house.’

  ‘Yes, it has been a while since I’ve seen any of you. I did speak to Naomi last week. Jess had a really bunged-up nose and I thought she might know something herbal I could use. She told me about her drunken episode and her conversation with you. About the fact that she’s thinking of leaving. Do you think she and John are really in trouble?’

  Antonia was picking absently at the cake in front of her as she spoke. Jenny had already hoovered up half of her lemon drizzle and it was taking all her willpower to not eat any more until Antonia had caught up a little. At the rate at which Antonia was picking at her coffee cake, crumb by crumb, this was never going to happen. Quite possibly, this was why Antonia had fared so much better at clothes shopping than Jenny had.

  ‘I haven’t seen her since, but I don’t think she’s actually going to leave him, do you? Surely it’s all just a case of too much, too soon. They were only together for a short while before Daisy came. It’ll settle down.’ Jenny wasn’t sure if she believed this or just hoped it was true.

  ‘Maybe, maybe not.’ Antonia shrugged. ‘Responsibility can do funny things to a man. Sometimes good. Sometimes not so good.’

  ‘John seems pretty steady. And they were clearly very in love with each other when they were at the classes. I’m surprised he didn’t set the small of her back on fire, he was rubbing it so frequently.’

  Antonia laughed. ‘Gosh, yes. And do you remember the way she looked at him every time he asked a question?’ She mimicked Naomi’s puppy dog expression and then stuck her fingers down her throat.

  Jenny felt a twinge of guilt. ‘There you go. They must love each other. I’m sure they’ll be fine.’

  Antonia raised an eyebrow. ‘Well, I hope you’re right. But we’re both old enough to know that appearances aren’t everything.’

  Jenny gave up on her own appearance of self-restraint and had another mouthful of cake. ‘By the way, the man you saw Gail with at Geoff’s work do wasn’t Joe. It was her boss. You were right.’

  Antonia nodded. ‘I told you so. He didn’t look like her boyfriend at all.’

  Something occurred to Jenny, and she said it aloud before she’d even thought it through. ‘Unless her boss is Joe?’ How had she not thought of this before?

  Antonia wasn’t buying it. ‘Goodness, I doubt it very much. I told you, he was about thirty years older than her.’

  Jenny wasn’t ready to give up on her theory yet. ‘Des O’Connor and David Jason… they both had babies in their seventies. It would make a lot of sense as to why she won’t tell us anything about him or show us a picture. Maybe he’s married! Can’t you get Geoff to do a bit of digging around?’

  Antonia sat up straighter and her mood seemed to change. ‘Sorry. Not his style.’ She picked up a sachet of sweetener and tapped it on the table. ‘Anyway, I can’t stay too much longer, I’m afraid. I’ve only brought Jessica out for a short while, as my mother is coming to visit today.’

  She seemed agitated. Jenny felt colour rise in her cheeks. Did Antonia think she was being too nosy about Gail? But she’d been the one gossiping about Naomi and John… so why was she upset?

  ‘Is everything okay?’

  Antonia lifted her cup to her lips and blew on the coffee to cool it. If Jenny hadn’t known what a confident person Antonia was, she would have sworn she was composing herself.

  ‘I’m fine, absolutely fine. It’s my mother’s visit this afternoon. Always puts me on edge.’ She glanced at her watch. ‘Actually, darling, I know this is terribly rude but I must shoot off and get the house straight before she comes. I just need to go to the Ladies’. Would you mind watching Jess for me so that I don’t have to take the pram in there?’

  Jenny watched Antonia walk quickly towards the toilet, carrying her expensive handbag under her arm. Her ‘FOMO’ comments had struck a chord. Maybe Jenny also needed to accept that she couldn’t have everything. Going over to Mark to write a rival column to ‘Girl About Town’ would give her back a social life, but it would be at the cost of time with Henry. Staying at home with Henry would mean she didn’t miss anything he did, but she couldn’t imagine her life without writing. How was she supposed to choose?

  Antonia had left her mobile on the table and it buzzed now with an incoming text message. The vibration moved it across the table and Jenny put out her hand to stop it from falling off the edge. That’s why she couldn’t help but see the message which flashed up on the screen from ‘Mum’.

  Got your message about rearranging. Completely understand. I’ll see you tomorrow instead x

  Jenny replaced the phone on the table. When Antonia came back, she picked it up, glanced at the message and then dropped it into her bag.

  ‘We should arrange to meet up soon, darling. Shall I text you some dates?’

  Jenny felt more than slightly snubbed. Either Antonia didn’t want to be with her, or she had something, or someone, more interesting to see. Either way, Jenny wasn’t going to suggest they met up alone again.

  ‘Actually, Naomi mentioned something called soft play.’ She glanced at Antonia. ‘I’ll ask her to call them and book us a place or whatever you have t
o do.’ Jenny hadn’t fancied the sound of the soft play place, but it couldn’t be as bad as the baby group had been. And even if she was only motivated by guilt, she needed to find something she could go to with Henry. She’d call Naomi as soon as Antonia left.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  At five months old, The Boy is done with lying in his pram while I drink coffee and eat cake. Far more interesting for him to give me palpitations as he makes a lunge for anything hot, sharp or small enough to choke on. Despite my bad experience at the baby group, I have reconciled myself to the need to find somewhere with distractions. For him, not me.

  Sporty has tried everything: rhyme time, sensory play, massage… Baby Sporty has more social engagements that the queen. At some point, I decided to give in to the mum guilt and go to one of these places with her.

  That is how I first discovered that hell on Earth exists – and it’s inflatable…

  From ‘The Undercover Mother’

  * * *

  Small people were swarming everywhere: appearing from tunnels, whooshing down slides and falling all over each other in pits of brightly coloured plastic balls. The air was permeated with a smell of feet, sweat and baked beans, and the noise level approached that of a death metal concert. Picking her way across the floor, Jenny could see her own horror mirrored in the faces of Antonia and Gail. Where was Naomi leading them? Naomi stopped and indicated a sorry-looking set of chairs. Apparently, here.

  Gail started to take off her changing bag and then seemed to think better of it: Orla Kiely wasn’t used to plastic tables. ‘What in the name of sanity is this place?’

  Naomi put both hands on her baby-sling-wrapped hips. ‘We need somewhere the babies can play and we can talk to one another, rather than trying to keep them amused in a restaurant.’

  Antonia lifted the hem of her Michael Kors maxi dress and peered at the floor. ‘I’d heard of these places. But I had no idea it would be so terribly awful.’

  Naomi stuck her chin out. ‘Well, you all asked me to choose somewhere to meet and I thought we should try something different.’

  Naomi was getting upset and she had enough to deal with. Jenny put a hand on her shoulder. ‘It was a good idea, Naomi. Look, we can get lunch here, too.’

  The others followed her pointing finger with their eyes to a white Formica counter in front of a display cabinet full of brightly coloured drink cartons. Leaning on the counter was a bored-looking young woman, staring vacantly out into the room. From the doorway beside her, another girl appeared and called out, ‘Twenny-free!’ whereupon a harried-looking mother in the corner put up her hand and was rewarded with two plates of sausages and beans. At least that explained the smell.

  Sensing that her lunch tangent had not been a wise one, Jenny suggested that they sit. Antonia was horrified when Naomi explained she would have to leave her expensive shoes on the floor where anyone could take them. She did her best to secrete them in her tiny handbag.

  That tiny bag was the object of Jenny’s envy. ‘How do you manage with such a small bag? My bag is big enough for a weekend break and I still can’t fit everything in.’

  Antonia shrugged. ‘I leave most of the stuff in the car unless I need it. I can’t bear the “bag lady” look. No offence, darling.’

  ‘None taken.’ Jenny had an overriding urge to snap the heel off one of Antonia’s protruding shoes. She still hadn’t forgiven her for lying about her mother’s visit.

  ‘See! This is good!’ beamed Naomi. ‘Look how much the babies are enjoying themselves.’

  They all had to admit that the children did seem very happy, rolling around in the small padded area for under twos, throwing balls onto the ground and then laughing at them.

  With everyone relaxed, Jenny thought it was a good time to start doing some digging. ‘How is everyone getting on?’

  Antonia was still trying to poke her shoes further down into her bag. ‘We’ve been interviewing for a nanny. Geoff suggested it a while ago and I’m beginning to think it might have its merits.’

  Gail looked surprised. ‘Are you going to get a job?’

  Antonia shook her head. Gail hid her face by bending over to pick up Jake, who had flopped over onto his stomach and wasn’t enjoying it. Her face was probably a picture. Not a friendly one.

  Naomi frowned. ‘I’m not sure I would be able to let someone else look after Daisy. I’m not judging you, though.’ Course you’re bloody not.

  Jenny was still annoyed with Antonia, but she wasn’t going to let the others make her feel guilty. ‘Think of the benefits. You could just pop out to the shops on your own. Have a lie-in whenever you needed it. Sit and drink a cup of coffee whilst it’s still hot. Hold on, I want a nanny, too!’ Jenny pretended to stamp her feet.

  Antonia smiled. ‘That’s what I thought. It’ll give me a little bit of freedom. I’m not getting some flighty young thing. We’ve hopefully found someone, and she comes with a lot of experience.’

  Gail crossed her legs and folded her arms. ‘Be careful who you choose. Husbands often have affairs with the nanny.’

  Antonia’s smile was cold. ‘I think you have to pay them extra for that, darling.’

  ‘You’ll have time to read a book. Have a long, hot shower every morning. Maybe even a bath!’ Jenny tried to wrestle the tone to a lighter level.

  Naomi was far less enthusiastic. ‘I can see the benefits but I just don’t think I would trust someone else whilst they are so small. Oh, hang on.’ She jumped up and went to rescue Daisy, who had rolled her way into a pile of foam animals and didn’t seem to be able to find her way out.

  Antonia followed her with her eyes. ‘This is the shape of things to come. Soon we’ll all be jumping up every two minutes, now they’ve started to move around.’

  ‘You’ll be all right, the nanny can jump up for you.’ Gail smiled sweetly, as if she was joking. She clearly wasn’t.

  Antonia stuck out her chin. ‘You don’t think the nanny is a good idea, then?’

  ‘Who am I to judge?’ Gail held her hands out at the side, palms upward. ‘I have my mother providing my childcare. I’m hardly a model for the stay-at-home mother.’

  ‘But you clearly don’t approve.’

  ‘It’s about choice, isn’t it? I have little choice about whether I leave Jake or give up my job. You have a choice whether you want to be with your daughter all the time or not. No one else can make your choices for you, can they?’

  ‘Is anyone feeling brave enough to risk a coffee?’ Jenny needed to keep them all on speaking terms: no talk meant no blog ideas. ‘I’m dying for a caffeine hit… can you watch Henry for me?’

  Naomi reappeared with a wriggling Daisy under one arm. ‘Would you get a peppermint tea for me? I just need to change Daisy’s nappy. Can you pass me my changing bag? Thanks.’

  ‘I’ll come with you.’ Gail stood up, flicking imaginary lint from her smart trousers. ‘I’m sure Jake needs a change, too. I’ll have a black coffee, thanks.’

  * * *

  Jenny made it back to Antonia, and placed the tray of drinks on the table nearest to where they had perched. ‘I wouldn’t get your hopes up about the coffee. We’re not in Starbucks any more, Toto.’ She glanced in the direction that the other two had taken. ‘Everything okay?’

  Antonia was tight-lipped and merely nodded. She took a mug from the tray, but just stared at its contents.

  ‘Don’t worry about the others. I’m sure they didn’t mean to sound so judgemental.’ Jenny wasn’t so sure about that, but it seemed the right thing to say.

  Antonia looked up. Her eyes were glittery. ‘I know what they think. They think I don’t want to look after my own daughter.’

  ‘No! Of course they don’t.’ Or maybe they do.

  Antonia went back to staring at the murky coffee. Then she put the mug back on the tray. ‘I just want to get it right, Jen. I just want to have everything done properly. Jess was premature. I know the midwife said three weeks doesn’t make any difference but I wan
t to make sure she’s okay. And Geoff is no help at all. Everything is on me.’ Her voice cracked. She paused to compose herself. ‘I just want a little professional help. Is that so terrible?’

  ‘It’s not terrible at all. Not at all.’ Isn’t that what all new mums wanted – someone on hand who knew what the hell they were doing? ‘But don’t be so hard on yourself, Antonia. We’re all in the same boat. None of us got the manual.’

  Antonia smiled. She ran a finger under her eyes. Jenny could have told her that her make-up was still perfect. Time to change the subject. ‘I’m looking forward to our night out with the husbands. Is Geoff still keeping it free?’

  Jenny had been pleased with her brainwave: a night out with the husbands might give her a new angle. She hadn’t broken the news to Dan yet.

  ‘He is. I’ve written it into every diary he has so he can’t make another arrangement.’ Antonia got up and shook her dress gently. She leaned down to pick up Jessica. ‘Speaking of which, I think I’m going to go. We’ve got a dinner tonight with some of Geoff’s clients and I could do with trying to get some rest this afternoon.’

  ‘But you haven’t even drunk your coffee.’

  Antonia peered at the mugs on the table. ‘It doesn’t look up to much, does it? I’ll get a drink when I get home. I really should go. Can you say goodbye to the others for me?’

  ‘Of course.’ Jenny watched Antonia walk to the door with Jessica on her hip, putting on her large sunglasses before opening the door to go out.

  * * *

  ‘Where’s Antonia?’ Naomi was the first to return with a still-wriggling Daisy under her arm.

  Jenny knew that Naomi would take this personally. ‘She genuinely had to go. Something about a business dinner to prepare for.’

  ‘She hated it here, didn’t she?’ Naomi’s face was a mixture of defiance and deflation.

  ‘No, no, it wasn’t that, really. She had to go. She said to thank you for arranging today,’ Jenny lied.