by Janae Keyes
At the moment of my growling release, she was at the forefront of my mind. Nothing I did helped me get rid of my thoughts of her. Lia was this picture of perfection that I’d never expected. Fuck, she’d broken my walls down and I didn’t even know it.
I popped a pill before leaving my cabin and trekking toward the main lodge. Dinner was going to be my favorite, spaghetti and meatballs. One could never go wrong with noodles, sauce, and big balls. Inside the cafeteria, I spotted Lia the moment I grabbed my food. She was sitting alone at a table near a window. Her fork picked at her pasta, while her gaze was out of the window, watching the snow fall.
There was no prompting as I went directly to her table. I sat my plate down and her brown eyes looked up at me, the tension on her face instantly softened as she realized it was me. A smile came to her lips as I took my seat.
“Did you have a good workout?” she asked as I picked up my fork. Her eyes studied my mountain of pasta while her plate was a small portion of spaghetti with a large portion of salad.
“Yeah. You should come with me one day. I can show you a thing or two,” I noted as I flexed my arms, showing off the muscles I was very proud of. I’d worked my ass off to have such a desired body. Girls and guys alike wanted what I had, and I kept it up even through my injury.
“Okay, Johnny Bravo, put those guns away.” Lia giggled as she took a forkful of lettuce and shoved it into her beautiful mouth.
Damn, she even looked sexy as fuck eating some fucking salad. We ate in silence for a few minutes. Lia’s attention was back on the gently falling flakes of snow outside. My eyes studied her closely. Everything about her kept me in a tranquil place. There was that emptiness I’d felt when we went our separate ways earlier in the day, but it was gone and now filled with her. I’d ever tell her how I felt. These pansy bullshit feelings were already too much for my ass to handle, so I’d never tell her any of it. Hell, nobody would know.
“You live in California now, but where are you from?” Lia interrupted my thoughts as I swallowed down a bite of food.
“Minnesota, not far outside of Minneapolis. It was all right, but it was cold as fuck in the winter,” I told her before sipping my ice cold water. I needed a beer so fucking bad. I was tired of this no alcohol on campus shit.
“Any siblings?”
“No, just me. Me, my mom, and the million stepdads I had,” I said with a shrug.
“A million stepdads? How is that possible?” Lia looked shocked as her eyes widened.
I chuckled at her shock. Lia seemed more sheltered than most, but the girl had some life experiences. I saw it in her eyes. “Mom hopped around a lot. She would get bored with a guy and then move on to the next one. The winner always had the biggest wallet.” I never told many people about my childhood. I kept that inside. Nobody needed to hear about how we moved from one, million-dollar house to the other or how I’d make myself breakfast in the mornings because my mom was upstairs high on whatever her flavor of the month was and in bed with one of her many husbands. “What about you? Do you have any siblings or a crazy shopaholic, plastic surgery-loving, drug addicted mom?”
Lia’s face quickly went somber. There was that sympathy look that I hated people to give me. There was no reason to feel sorry for me. I’d overcome all of that bad shit. I held my head up high because I’d made something of myself. I’d moved on.
“No, it’s just mom and me. Dad left when I was a toddler.” She returned her attention back to the falling snow.
I gave her that apologetic look. “Well, Princess, I think we’re more alike than we’d ever care to admit.” I told her with a soft grin.
Lia turned her attention back to me. I observed her face. The light from the fire pit in the middle of the room was dancing in her irises. She smiled and looked down, a tinge of embarrassment spreading across her face. I loved that look. She was hiding the same feelings I was hiding from her.
“So, you’re obviously missing the hockey season. Will you be returning to play with your team?” she asked, changing the subject.
“I’m missing the NHL season, but I’ll be on Team USA for Pyeongchang. I’m trying to shape up for that and be ready for next season with the league. How about you? I know you have the Oympics, but I suppose there are other events leading up to it.”
Lia nodded at my question.
It was nice talking to her. I liked having that person there who listened because she wanted to. She wasn’t trying to get anything out of me. I knew that from the first moment we grew close. I didn’t have many people like that in my life. With her, I could be myself.
“Yeah, I’ve also got to prepare for Pyeongchang, but I want to make my comeback at the World Championships this March,” she explained.
“Damn, that’s only months away.”
“No shit!”
I laughed at her outburst. Lia joined in, her giggles filling my soul with her life although my laughter stopped when pain ran up my leg. I rubbed my left leg. Fuck, it always got me when I least expected.
“Breathe,” Lia instructed.
I gave her a questioning look.
“Trust me. Close your eyes and breathe slowly.”
I shook my head.
“Trust me, Madden. Just breathe and think about the falling snow.”
With a defeated huff, I closed my eyes, but instead of imagining falling snow, I envisioned Lia’s full pink lips that drew me in. I wondered if they tasted like cherries or strawberries. With each breath, I thought of my lips discovering hers as I pulled her in closer. I’d kiss her hard, bite at her bottom lip, making her moan and whisper my name.
“You’re feeling better, I think,” Lia commented.
My eyes fluttered open to a sexy grin on her face.
“You were smiling, so I think it helped.”
Honestly, it had. I didn’t give the pain any more attention. I let it all go with thoughts of her. But for now, I’d allow her to think it was the falling snow that made me smile. “Is that how you do it?” I questioned.
“Yeah, I try not to allow the pain into my mind. Sometimes it does and you’ll know it by all of the cursing that flies out of my mouth. But normally, I can think it away with happier thoughts and calming breaths. You don’t need pills when you have your own endorphins,” Lia expertly explained.
It seemed that after her injury, she didn’t just roll with the norm. She researched what she needed to know to care for herself. Lia had taken her treatment into her hands. I never knew I’d admire some figure skater as much as I did. I remember thinking all they did was twirl around on the ice, but this chick and the other figure skaters were tougher than they looked.
“You said once that you had a friend that was addicted to painkillers. Is she now living without the pills?” I asked, slightly curious.
“Yeah, her name is Krystal Hoves. She’s an amazing figure skater that suffered a bad injury that changed everything for her. The pills became her solace, and the Krystal I knew was gone. She hopped from doctor to doctor to get refills. She said she needed the pills, but she needed them for more than just the physical pain. She had become emotionally dependent with them. It was scary as fuck to see her falling down a hole of no return. One day after my second surgery, she came to me and said she wanted to quit. I stood by her every step of the way along with her therapist. I learned so much about drug addiction through her experience.”
I wasn’t that far gone yet. My entire existence didn’t revolve around the pills, but the more I took them, the more I relied on them. I was a mess, looking like my mom on a bad day when she’d either taken too many pills or couldn’t get enough of them. I’d grown up around addiction, so I knew what it looked like. And here I was on the brink of it.
“Is your friend good now?” I asked, eager to know how Krystal’s story.
“She’s great. She no longer competes, but she coaches other figure skaters. Krystal beat the odds and she’s a better person because of it.” Lia beamed as she spoke of her friend.
Yes, I was. That was my shameful truth
The morning came slower than I’d expected. I had spent my entire night tossing and turning. Lia’s word swirled around in my mind. I knew I was better than the shell of a man I had shown the world. The old Max was in there. He had focus and it wasn’t blurred by the painless high. Could I be like Krystal? Could I leave the pills behind? Those questions had plagued my night.
After arriving at the main lodge, I noticed suitcases everywhere. Christmas was coming, and the majority of the athletes were heading home to their families for the holidays. I, on the other, would remain at the center.
My only family was my bitch mom who would only be begging for money to search for her next high or husband or plastic surgeon. JC was there, but he had plans to propose to his girlfriend, Nicole, and I didn’t want to be a third wheel for that. I would spend Christmas at the Willows Center. It would be better than sitting alone in my house with takeout food.
I spotted Lia. She was already outside with her suitcases preparing to board the shuttle. She had told me that she was going back to San Francisco to spend the holiday with her mom. I’m glad she had family and a support system to lift her up whenever she was down.
I found myself wandering in a direction I’d never taken before. I stood outside Cynthia Reed’s office. She was the head mental health therapist at the center. I knocked a few times on the door before she told me to enter.
I turned the knob and entered the room. It didn’t look anything like I’d expected. It wasn’t like the shrinks’ offices I’d seen on TV. Her office was bright and tranquil. It reminded me of my friend, Eric’s, beach house in Hawaii. The walls were a soft blue with white trim. The furniture was light sandy brown and behind the wooden desk sat Cynthia.
“Mr. Madden, I was not expecting you,” she said sweetly as I stepped further into the office, closing the door behind me.
“I…umm…I wanted to talk about something.”
“Okay, please have a seat,” she offered as she pointed to one of the comfy-looking chairs facing her desk.
I plopped down, breathing through the pain that coursed through my leg. Then suddenly, I realized the pain really wasn’t there. My sub conscience was telling me I was in pain to make me pop another pill…a pill that I didn’t need.
“I want to quit the OxyContin pills I’ve been prescribed and I think I need your help,” The word on my lips defined the woman who had birthed me, but barely raised me. I’d always told myself that I would be nothing like her, but here I was. Like mother, like son. “I’m an addict.”
9
Lia
Returning to the center after a week at home was great. I had needed the week away, but I also needed to return. I had missed the atmosphere that was filled with hope and helpfulness. I had also missed the routine I’d thrown myself into. And I missed Max too, although I would only admit it to myself.
Spending time at home had been nice. I had enjoyed sleeping in my own bed and having breakfast with my mom like I used to. I’d done a couple interviews wherein I talked about my recovery and my excitement for taking on the World Championships. I’d given myself the task of making it there to show the world that I was back and that my injury hadn’t stolen my career.
I was back to working out. For the first time in a long time, I was back to morning jogs along the pier, taking in the freshness of the Bay at 6 o’clock when all was just rising for the day. The atmosphere I’d grown up in and loved was quite welcoming for the holidays, but the center had become a place of solace for me.
Once my belongings were secured in my room, I went into the main lodge. I secretly hoped to see Max, but he was nowhere to be found. I didn’t know if he’d gone away for the holidays or not. Many of those who had left wouldn’t be returning until after the New Year. Maybe I wouldn’t see him until then.
Taking my skates with me, I wandered to the rink. From the moment I entered, I could hear the sound of blades on the ice. I looked around and saw only one person on the entire rink. A large body skated with force across the rink toward me. As soon as he looked up, I recognized those gray eyes from the moment they met mine.
“Max, you’re on the ice!” I squealed with excitement as I approached the barrier wall.
His eyes lifted as he skated to me and came to a skidding halt. He wasn’t just skating, he was dominating the ice. The shiver that ran through my core caused by his gaze was something I’d missed while I was away. Just being around him brought my body to life. His eyes always watched mine as if he were reading my soul like a novel. With barely a blink, he turned the page, taking in more information. He knew the lust I had for him; he had to know it. But I would never admit it in a million years.
“Hey, how was your Christmas?” he asked me right away, a smile shining on his face. There was something different about him. He was brighter, lighter, and even happier.
“It was great, how was yours? You look great. What’s new?” I asked happily as he exited the ice and took my hands into his.
I had missed that, his rough hands holding mine, giving me that sense of protection I only felt whenever I was around him. He pulled me along and sat me on a bench. He took a seat next to me and grinned.
“My Christmas was good. It was different, but good. I stayed here at the center and I made some changes.”
“Changes?” I questioned although I had noticed some differences in him already. It was like a heavy cloud had been lifted from over him and the sun was shining for him again. I saw it in the brightness that filled his eyes.
“I’m over a week pill free,” he announced.
“No way!” I yelled with excitement, throwing my arms around him. I was filled with a joy I knew he already felt.
“I went to Cynthia the day after you told me about Krystal. I’m an addict and I needed to say it out loud. Cynthia and the team helped me through it. They’re still helping me through it. The first couple of days were the worst. My body didn’t know what to do. It was scary! Crazy thoughts went through my mind in those days, but I fought through it. I really did it,” he explained, grinning the entire time.
I couldn’t help it. I just had to hug him again. My face pressed against his chest, I inhaled his scent; the very scent I thought about at night as I drifted to sleep. It was the scent of the man, the bad boy that I knew I shouldn’t want, but I did.
“I’m so happy for you. That’s amazing. If you ever need someone else to talk to, you know I’m here,” I expressed as I lifted my head and peered into his eyes.
“Yeah, I know. Thanks. I would have never gotten to this point without you. I owe it all to you. It was the best Christmas gift I’ve ever received.”
Tears pooled in my eyes because he’d defeated something so strong. It was something that didn’t just control his ability to fight his pain, but it controlled everything about him without him fully noticing. A large part of his personality had been dominated by the pills. He was a new man already.
He and I knew that he had a long road ahead of him. Those initial days were important, but every single moment was a fight for him to stay away from the thing he’d been dependent on. I wanted to be there for him to help him fight through those moments when everything wasn’t clear and he felt like giving in to the addiction.
“Wow! Max, I’m so happy for you that I can’t take it. I love it so much. And now, you’re back on the ice like the champion. The gold medal hockey player you are is shining through and it gives me a renewed spirit. I’m ready to fight if you are.”
“Fuck yeah, I’m ready!” he proclaimed as his eyes landed on my skates. “You’re going to come out there with me. Show me some moves, Princess.”
“I don’t think you’re ready for my moves, Madden.”
“Naw, I think I can han
dle it. Show me some,” he insisted.
In no time, I laced up my skates and headed out to the ice where Max had returned.
Over my break, I’d practiced with Bev at my old rink. It was nice to be on home turf and after talking to Bev about where I was in my head, things got better. I even managed to do a simple Axel that was good enough in her eyes. She and I knew it was crunch time. If I was going to place at the World Championships, I would need to be on the ice every single day and I would also have to push myself beyond my limits.
Swiveling towards Max, I skated circles around him. He gave me a soft grin as I came to a stop right in front of him. I was practicing my poise as I stood at a perfect starting pose.
“You look so serious,” Max commented with a grin.
“This is serious stuff, Mr. Madden,” I said playfully before I skated around him once more. “Try this.” I did something relatively simple as I went into camel position with my leg outstretched perfectly, the air moving around my body.
“I can do that shit,” Max proclaimed as he took off and stretched his leg.
I giggled as I saw him physically struggle to keep his balance. At least he was trying, though.
“Fuck,” he hissed under his breath as he nearly lost his balance completely and had to put his second foot back to the ice.
I tried a few more easy moves, Max attempted to follow along, but failed miserably. He did look adorable trying, though. This man who was nearly all muscle and practically bulging from his shirt was attempting to figure skate. It warmed my heart in a special way.
“Fuck, this is hard,” Max grunted as he skated toward me out of breath from attempting my last maneuver. “I can’t believe you can fucking do this.”
“And people think it’s easy,” I said with an innocent shrug.
Max stuck his tongue at me. I giggled as I skated toward him and allowed him to encircle my waist with his strong hands. I shivered in his grip as he pulled me close.