by Emily Woods
Abigail looked stunned.
“Abigail …” he began much more softly. “I don’t want to go home.”
“You … what?”
“You haven’t even given me a choice, Abigail,” he said gently. “You show up here unannounced, say I am leaving in front of all of these people who have come to rely on me … you must understand this is a lot to take in all at once.”
“I …” she began, and then she sighed heavily.
He rose to his feet and walked around the table to stand in front of her.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to raise my voice,” he went on. “I have missed you and Mother and Father. I should have been more clear about that in my last letter … or perhaps I was too clear and made you all worry. I don’t know.”
He took a deep breath and looked around the room.
“But after being here for the last month, I have come to really love it here. These people, they are so wonderful and kind. Life here is so much easier, so much calmer.”
He ran his fingers through his hair, which had grown longer than he usually kept it.
“Like I said, they have come to rely on me here. They haven’t had a proper doctor in years. Thankfully, nothing tragic has happened, at least nothing they couldn’t handle. But it has brought the people in this budding town peace to have someone who is knowledgeable about medicine and care. And more than anything, I feel like this is where God wants me to be.”
Abigail watched him carefully as he fell silent, crossing her arms over her chest. He could hear the distant sound of crickets chirping happily in the night.
“Mother and Father were beside themselves when you left,” Abigail began cautiously. “Mother cried for a week and swore it was somehow her fault you wanted to leave. She insisted over and over that they never should have forced that engagement on you. She said …” she sighed heavily. “She said you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, and you always blame yourself whenever anything goes wrong.”
“Well, the engagement falling apart was my fault,” James replied flatly. “I couldn’t bear the thought of Tessa being stuck in a marriage her parents wanted to her to have solely for the money.”
He looked down at his hands.
“See, that’s what I mean,” Abigail said, reaching across and putting her hand on his shoulder. “That right there. You backed out of what could have been a really good marriage because you were afraid of hurting her. You didn’t think of yourself at all.”
“That’s how I am, though,” James replied. “I don’t think of myself.”
Abigail smiled sadly at him. “James, I know all of this hurt you. I know letting Tessa go hurt you. And it was natural that you wanted to run away from those feelings. I think it may have been a bit extreme for you to move all the way across the country, but I do understand why you did it.”
James felt a burning in his throat.
“I came all the way out here to ask you if this is truly, truly what you wanted, James,” she said. “We were worried about you. It isn’t like you to do something so extreme. So I wanted to know, for sure, if this is what you wanted.”
James didn’t reply.
“It’s all right if you say no. No one is going to say you were wrong; no one is going to think less of you. You can come home and we can deal with all of this together, with me and Mother and Father.”
James turned away from her and walked to the window. He could see the lights from the saloon. Through one of the dusty windows, he could see Marigold, her golden hair glittering. She was grinning and laughing.
“I understand if it is going to take you some time to make up your mind. I imagine you have done everything you can to not think about what you left. I am asking you to face your problems and make a decision based on more than just your feelings.”
James wondered if she was right. Had he never stopped running from his life back home, so much so that he was living a new life as if he were an entirely different person? Was he so broken hearted that he made a rash decision to just up and leave, taking the first chance to avoid dealing with the heartache in his life?
But what about the certainty he had felt in his heart? He had been so sure that this was where God needed him. Everything that had happened to him since arriving had solidified that. Or so he thought.
“I will need some time,” James replied, trying to avoid looking at Marigold in the window, suddenly confused about how he felt about her. “In the meantime, you can stay in my room, sleep on my bed. I’ll just sleep on the floor.”
“Are you sure?” Abigail asked.
“Yes,” James replied. “Come on. Let’s get you settled in.”
Chapter 5
James spent the next few days being followed around by Abigail. He had promised her he was going to consider his decision, and he intended to keep that promise. However, having her as a constant shadow made it very hard to think about anything at all.
He was pleased she was able to watch him working. A few townsfolk came in, asking for cures for various ailments, and James found he was exceedingly grateful. He hoped that Abigail could see he was a crucial part of this community, and he was doing a good work by living there.
He also wondered if the news of Abigail’s arrival, and her reason for her visit, had spread across the town. He wondered if that influenced the sudden need for tonics and headache cures.
On the evening of the third day of her visit, James slogged himself over to the saloon. He dragged himself up the porch, through the doors, and collapsed into one of the stools in front of the bar.
Marv was there, as constant as time itself. He raised an eyebrow at James as he exhaled mightily.
“Good evening, doc,” Marv said, drawing a tall glass from beneath the bar top. “Can I get you anything?”
“Something warm and comforting,” James replied. “A large bowl of your wife’s chili would be just the ticket.”
Marv nodded his head and disappeared behind the door into the kitchen.
The saloon was relatively vacant. Mr. and Mrs. Green were there, seated together in the corner, speaking in low voices. Mr. Tarry was playing the piano, though James was grateful it was a quiet, relaxing piece.
Marv reappeared with a steaming bowl in one hand and a spoon in the other. He set them down on the bar in front of James.
“There you are,” he said. “Extra spicy today. Hope that’s all right.”
James wrapped his hands around the warm bowl and inhaled deeply, the aroma of tomatoes, spices, and grilled meat already helping him feel better.
“It’s perfect,” James said and plunged his spoon into the chili, taking a greedy bite of it.
“Not to be too nosy, doc, but is something bothering you?”
James relished in the meal. The last thing he wanted to talk about was what was bothering him. He didn’t want to think for a moment. He just wanted to enjoy.
“And where is that sister of yours?”
James looked up at Marv, deciding that he was looking out for him, not attacking him.
“She’s back at the clinic, resting,” James began. He exhaled heavily again. “I don’t know, Marv. She is insistent. And I don’t know what to do.”
Marv waited patiently for him to continue, cleaning out another glass.
“She spent all evening trying to explain that she and my Mother and Father would do anything to get me back home. Apparently, none of them ever believed I would actually leave or stay here. Mother assumed I would get all the way out here, come to my senses, and then head straight home. When I didn’t arrive home after two weeks, Abigail offered to come fetch me.”
Marv’s face revealed nothing of what he was thinking.
Just then, the saloon doors swung open, and Mayor Langston, Marigold, and two of his other daughters that James had met in passing stepped inside, all talking to one another.
“James!” Mr. Langston exclaimed when he noticed him at the bar. “How are you?”
“Fine,” J
ames replied.
Marigold ducked her head when he looked at her. Had she heard about his sister, too? The thought made his heart sink.
“Why are you eating alone over there? You should come and join the girls and me.”
“Oh, I don’t want to be an imposition …” James started.
“Codswallop,” Mr. Langston replied, waving his hand dismissively. “Come sit with us.”
James smiled, but it was tight and disappeared as soon as he turned to scoop up his bowl.
He followed behind Marigold to the table, catching the scent of her hair, lavender and peppermint. His heart constricted again.
They all sat down together, and Mr. Langston ordered a round of chili for him and his girls, all of whom seemed pleased. All except Marigold, who still would not meet James’ eye.
“So, Mr. Connor. Why the long face this evening?”
Was he as transparent as glass?
“Nothing, Mr. Langston.”
Mr. Langston laughed heartily. “You are skilled at many things, Doctor Connor, but lying is not one of them.”
James hesitated for a moment. “I am sure you’ve heard my sister showed up in town a few days ago.”
Mr. Langston crossed his arms over himself, leaning back in his chair, which he dwarfed. “Heard she’s a lovely young woman,” he said.
“She is,” James replied. “But she came all the way out here to try and persuade me to go back to New York with her.”
“Heard that, too,” Mr. Langston said, nodding his head.
James blinked at him. “You don’t seem surprised.”
Mr. Langston shrugged his shoulders. “It makes sense that your family would miss you and want you to go back home. It is a surprise that she came all this way instead of sending a letter – ”
James was glad someone seemed to understand that.
“ – But I can understand the sentiment. I would probably chase any of my daughters across the country if they decided to marry some man who wanted to take them away from Bear Springs.”
Marigold shifted uncomfortably across the table.
“But that’s not what’s bothering you,” Mr. Langston said. “It’s the fact that you can’t seem to make up your mind about what to do.”j
James sat up straighter in his chair. “I do know what I want,” he said, his heart starting to beat quickly. “I want to stay. You have given me this wonderful opportunity to serve you and the rest of the town. Why would I throw that away so soon after arriving?”
Mr. Langston shrugged his shoulders. “This sort of life isn’t for everyone. And we understood that before we ever hired you. Marv was the one who said it, said we should be prepared for whoever it was that took the job to leave shortly after arriving.”
“That doesn’t seem like a very positive outlook,” James said sadly.
“It might not be, but we understood asking someone to move away from everything in their life was not going to be easy. They would be leaving family, friends, everything they knew behind. And then to come out to a town like this, in the middle of nowhere. It would be hard on anybody.”
James stared at Mr. Langston, moved by his words. It was as if everything he had been thinking was plain on his face, and Mr. Langston was simply repeating his thoughts back to James. The depth of his understanding was a great comfort.
“I assume you don’t know what you want to do?” Mr. Langston said plainly.
“I …” James started. “I guess I am struggling with it a little bit.”
“Well, may I give you some advice?”
“Of course.”
Mr. Langston leaned across the table. “I am not going to tell you to follow your heart, because that is foolish advice. You never should follow your heart. You should instead spend ample time in prayer. The Lord is the only one who isn’t going to steer you the wrong way. He is going to know what’s best for you.”
James agreed.
“What I will also tell you is if you do decide to leave, you will be sorely missed.”
James almost wished he hadn’t said that. He dropped his gaze, his face burning.
“You have brought a brightness to Bear Springs that we needed. Not only are you an intelligent man with great skills in the medical arts, but you are a kind hearted man with a great love for others. You have helped many of us, man and beast alike, in the short time you have been here. I know I speak for us all when I say we feel safer and better off with you around.”
James saw Marigold chance a look at him, her large eyes wide with emotion. He wished he knew what she was thinking. He wished she would tell him.
“But I also want you to know this. Wherever you go, wherever the good Lord calls you, He will use your kindness and generosity to help those around you. And you have our full support, whatever you choose to do.”
James wished his words would make the decision easier. But somehow, it made it worse. He almost would rather he told him they were angry, hurt, and disappointed.
But then would he stay because he felt guilty? Or because he truly wanted to stay?
“Thank you, Mayor,” James said, and he stood to his feet. “I appreciate your advice. And thank you for your kind words. Your support means the world to me.”
“Think nothing of it, lad,” Mr. Langston replied, winking at him. “I do hope you’ll make up your mind soon. Nothing causes the soul more grief than a lingering decision.”
James was starting to understand that all too well.
“Well, I should go check on my sister,” James replied. He left some money on the table for his meal for Marv. “I don’t think she will be happy if I’m out all night.”
“Have a good evening, then,” Mr. Langston said.
His daughters bid him goodnight as well. Marigold only watched him quietly.
He stepped out into the night, the air cooler than it had been in weeks. He wondered if it was going to rain.
He jumped off of the front porch and decided he still wasn’t ready to face Abigail. He needed some space. He needed to figure out what he was going to do. The decision he would make was going to alter the course of his life forever.
“Mr. Connor!”
He stopped, his heart skipping a beat. He wheeled around and saw Marigold running down the street after him, the light from the saloon creating a bright halo around her.
“Marigold …” he said, smiling despite the weight on his shoulders.
“I just wanted to say …” she began, slowing as she reached him. “That I hope you stay. Here, in Bear Springs. With all of us.”
Even in the dark, he could see her cheeks were flushed.
“… Really?” he asked hesitantly. “I appreciate you saying that,” he went on.
Her blue eyes were wide with anticipation. She took another step toward him. “Yes! You have made so many people happy since coming here. Mr. Morrison’s horse was saved because you were willing to help and use your experience. Mrs. Green has been fighting that nasty rash for months, and after you came and gave her the salve she needed, she’s felt better than ever. And little Thomas! He was so unmotivated, and after you let him help you in your clinic that afternoon, it’s as if he has a new lease on life.”
She was breathing fast, excited.
“Mr. Connor, everyone would miss you terribly if you were to leave now.” She dropped her voice. “I would miss you terribly.”
James blinked at her. “You would miss me?”
She laughed nervously. “Perhaps more than anyone.”
James had a wild desire to sweep her up into his arms and embrace her, but he resisted. He didn’t think it would be proper.
“I know you left something difficult behind …” Marigold went on. “I’ve gathered bits and pieces of your story from everyone in town. Something happened to you back in New York that pushed you out here. Was it a woman?”
James’ jaw clenched, fighting the anxiety rising in him.
“It was,” he replied eventually. “My fiancée. I ended our eng
agement.”
Marigold’s face colored with worry, but she didn’t press him with questions. It was obvious she wanted to learn more.
And with the feelings growing inside of him, he felt she might have a right to know.
“It was an engagement of convenience,” he began. “Her parents approached my parents at a grand benefit they were attending that my father was hosting. My father is a big name in New York. His father was the founder of a railway company out east, and my father inherited a great wealth. Therefore, so did I. Tessa’s family knew this and came to my father with a proposition of marriage between his only son and their only daughter. Tessa’s family is in the clothing industry, you see. New money. Which often means there is a chance that the money they have accumulated could disappear. To ensure their daughter would be well taken care of, they wanted to marry her off to a wealthy man.
“I agreed to the union, being aware of Tessa. She was a pretty girl, very gentle and well mannered, but it was obvious she did not love me. After asking her time after time, she finally told me she was in love with another man, a man who her parents had told her never loved her. She was suspicious. She believed her parents had interfered. She said money didn’t matter to her. It was everything to her parents. So, I gave her my blessing to go off and marry Matthew.”
Marigold looked up at him sadly. “Did you love her?”
“I think I could have,” James said. “The entire breakup was a mess. Her parents went after my father in front of everyone at the next dinner party we all attended. My father understood my reasoning for calling off the engagement, but my mother thought I was too soft, too selfless. I believed I was taking care of her. It seemed like the right thing to do when she could be with the man she loved.”
James sighed heavily, but a sense of relief was filling him as he spoke to her. “I did care for Tessa. I had allowed myself to grow attached to her before I discovered the truth about her love for Matthew. By that point, I knew it was going to be painful regardless of whatever decision I made.”
“So that’s when you came out here?”