Since getting home, he’d texted her but there had been no reply. He’d also tried to call her but a message told him that the caller was not available. Jim could only assume that, wherever Cassie was, there was no phone signal. Were there telephone masts in the Arctic Circle? He wondered if he might not hear from her during the whole time she was away.
He felt miserable about what had gone on the night before. They hardly ever argued and it had been stupid of him not to tell Cassie what had been going on in the unit. She would have wanted to know what had happened to Smudge as she’d grown to like the lads too and would have been worried that he was so troubled. She would have understood why he was feeling so wretched and helpless. Of course she would.
Jim didn’t know why he’d clammed up like that. Probably because he didn’t want to open the floodgates on his emotions. He cared more about those two lads than he should. Years of being a prison officer had taught him about that. It was best to keep your distance. Hold the prisoners at arm’s length. It was the sensible way. Convicts came and went, some of them more often than others. It was best to see them on their way with a cheery wave. Now, here he was, going all soft over two scallies. That was something best kept to himself. Yet, if only he’d explained properly instead of going all moody, Cassie would have appreciated why he was distracted and had picked up that ridiculous card for her. They might even have had a laugh about it. If only he’d confided in her.
But he hardly ever talked about what went on at the unit and it was a hard habit to break. Jim snorted to himself. Look at the price he’d paid for it. Cassie had gone off to the middle of who knows where with a hotshot millionaire and he couldn’t even call to say that he loved her. He’d acted like an idiot and now couldn’t apologise. He could only hope that Cassie knew how he was feeling.
The truth of the matter was: he was jealous of Carter Randall. Who wouldn’t be? The guy only had to click his fingers and people jumped. He wasn’t bogged down in credit-card debt. He had mansions coming out of his ears, the kudos of being a well-known entrepreneur. Carter could offer Cassie all that she ever wanted. How could Jim possibly compete with that?
Today Jim was on shift at the unit again. As soon as he’d signed on, he’d gone straight down to the Healthcare wing to see how Smudge was doing.
Smudge lay in his bed looking as white as the sheets that covered him. His wrists were bandaged, his hands, on top of the covers, turned palm up towards the ceiling. He looked so small and all wrong in the cell, as if dwarfed by the big bed, like a child who’d mysteriously landed up in the wrong place.
‘Now then,’ Jim said. ‘How’s the patient today?’ And, to his surprise, he found his voice sounded choked.
‘I’m all right, Jim,’ Smudge answered stoically. His eyes were dark, his sockets sunken and blue. ‘Doctor said I can go back up on the wing later.’
Jim pulled up the only chair in the bare room and sat next to the bed. ‘That’s good news,’ he said. ‘No more nonsense?’
‘No,’ Smudge agreed. ‘That was a twatish thing to do.’
‘Rozzer’s worried sick about you.’
‘Is he?’ Smudge’s face brightened.
‘Yeah. Me too.’
‘I feel bad now,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean to do that. I just panicked.’
‘I told you that we’re all going to sort it out,’ Jim assured him. ‘It might take some time, though. I want you to promise me that, whatever happens, you won’t do that again.’
The lad shook his head. ‘I won’t, Jim. Promise.’
‘If you feel it all building up, you’ve got to talk to someone. There’s me, Rozzer, the doctors in here, the Listener Scheme. It might not feel like it, but we’ve all got your back, lad.’
‘I’m sorry, Jim.’ Tears filled his eyes. ‘Tell Rozzer I’m sorry too.’
‘You can tell him yourself later when you’re back on the wing.’ Jim stood up. ‘I’ll talk to the doctor, see when I can come to collect you.’
‘Thanks, Jim.’
‘Get some sleep now while you can.’ He patted a bony knee beneath the sheet. ‘I’ll see you later.’
Jim left, locking the door behind him. Rozzer was due out at the weekend and he didn’t want to leave Smudge here by himself. He was due to be released in a couple of weeks’ time, just before Christmas. Jim wondered if the governor would let Smudge out a few days early if he could find him somewhere to live, especially now that this had happened.
He spoke to the doctor, agreed what time to return to take Smudge to his own cell and walked back to Starling wing.
It might not be long until Christmas, but you wouldn’t know it in this place. On the outside, everywhere was draped with festive decorations – shops, supermarkets, pubs. Every other song was a Christmas tune or a carol. In here it could have been any time of the year. The sun could be cracking the pavements, the rain could be pelting down, and the inmates wouldn’t know the difference. It was so isolating, another world where the seasons didn’t matter.
Christmas was no different. They served the lads a basic Christmas dinner on 25 December – turkey roll in a foil carton, some roast potatoes like bullets, soggy stuffing – but that was as far as it went. There were no decorations, no tree, no presents. Some of the lads tried to store up fruit in their cells to brew illegal alcohol in the run-up to Christmas, but the officers had got wise to that in the last few years. Now they brought in Security to carry out a timely raid in the preceding week, which usually put paid to the prisoners’ efforts.
The unit was a miserable enough place to be at the best of times but, during this festive season, it was completely depressing. No doubt there’d be a few more suicide attempts over the coming days. Jim sighed to himself. Something to look forward to.
It was his day off tomorrow, and if he could get both of the lads out on licence, then he would. Normally, it would be a tough call to get them to let Smudge out so soon after getting out of Healthcare, but he might just swing it. As always, they were tight for places in the unit and he had to talk to the right people.
This morning before he’d left, he’d taken five minutes to flick through Cassie’s file. A ton of stuff still needed doing before Christmas. Gaby had her own jobs to do, but there were things that he could be doing to help Cassie out. That would be a nice surprise for her when she got back. God only knows he was missing Cassie like mad. He couldn’t even remember when they’d last spent a night apart – if they ever had. The bed was certainly too big without her and he’d chased himself around all night, waking up tired and tangled in the duvet. She was gone for only a few days, but he simply couldn’t wait for her to come home.
Chapter Forty
The snow’s so soft and dry that we sink up to our thighs in it. Lunch won’t be ready for a short while and it gives us an opportunity to play in the drifts. The boys, being boys, amuse themselves by piling the snow as high as they can. I show Eve how to lie back and flap her arms and legs to make snow angels. Carter and Max come over to join us. Carter lies down next to me and takes my hand as we move our arms in co-ordination, laughing all the time.
‘How can I have reached the grand old age of forty-two and have never made a snow angel?’ He laughs. Then Max and Eve bundle on top of him and they roll about together, giggling.
We chase each other around, scooping up armfuls of snow and cascading it over each other as it’s too powdery to make snowballs. And, though it’s freezing cold out here, all this exertion is making us hot.
It’s good to see Carter spending some quality time with his children and, judging by their delighted squeals, I’m pretty sure they’re enjoying it too. He organises Max and Eve to stand together and snaps some photographs. Then I take one of all three of them.
‘Let me take one of you and Cassie, Daddy,’ Eve says and, before he can either agree or refuse, she takes the camera from him. He slides his arm round me and, self-consciously, we grin at the lens together.
‘Lunch is ready,’ Jan shouts and
we all troop over to the small log cabin.
A woman in the kitchen area has made us thick soup loaded with vegetables. She ladles it into dishes while we pull off our gloves and suits, then we sit at the table while she serves it with warm flatbread. We all tuck in, gratefully.
‘I’m hungry,’ Max says. ‘I just didn’t know it.’
‘It’s all the exercise,’ I tell him. ‘It works up an appetite.’
‘The snow angels were good,’ Eve says. ‘You make my daddy laugh, Cassie. He’s fun when he’s with you.’
Carter and I look up from our soup, our eyes meet and his gaze is so searching that it makes me catch my breath.
‘I’m sure Daddy’s fun a lot of the time,’ I counter.
‘No,’ she says in typical childlike manner. ‘Not really. Now that Mummy lives in another house, he’s sad a lot of the time.’
‘I don’t think that Cassie wants to hear about that, darling,’ Carter says. ‘How’s your soup?’
‘Nice,’ she says and returns her attention to her lunch.
‘Sorry,’ he mouths to me.
I shrug that it’s OK and Carter turns the conversation to more innocuous matters while we finish our meal. We all chatter about the morning’s activities and Max and Eve squabble about which of the huskies is their favourite.
‘We could each take one home with us,’ Eve suggests.
Carter throws up his hands. ‘No,’ he says with a laugh. ‘No doggy souvenirs. No trying to smuggle your favourite husky onto the plane. I’ll make sure Jan counts them all before we leave.’
When we’ve finished eating and my eyes are growing heavy from the delicious food and the warmth, it’s back on with our outer clothes and out into the snow again.
The dogs, still harnessed, are lying in the snow, resting. But as soon as they see any activity, they’re up and bouncing around, barking their keenness to be on the move again. I only wish I had half of the energy of these huskies. We’re going to take a different route now and sled back to the wilderness lodge before darkness falls.
This time I’m going to take Max while Eve travels as passenger with her dad. I feel so sleepy. I don’t know if it’s all the rushing round that I’ve been doing beforehand that’s made me tired, or whether it’s the relief of being here and it all being fabulous that’s done it, but I think I could lie down and sleep for a week.
Carter comes up and puts his hand on my arm. ‘Everything OK?’
‘Yes, fine.’
‘Happy to take Max? I think he’d like to drive his own sled,’ Carter says. ‘We’ll have to come back again when he’s old enough.’
‘Of course. I’ll look after him.’ I wonder if there’s anything I can organise so that Max can have a go by himself.
‘Thanks,’ Carter says. ‘You’re really great with them. They adore you.’ Then, with one of those full-on gazes again, ‘We all do.’ He turns away from me, which is just as well as my face feels as if it’s glowing like a beacon.
‘Load ’em up, kids,’ Jan shouts. ‘Last one back at the ranch is a sissy!’
I’m so flustered by Carter’s comment that, before I know what I’m doing, I stumble backwards into my sled. In doing so, I accidentally knock the anchor out of the snow. Instantly, the dogs sense freedom and leap forwards. I cry out and grab hold of the handles of the sled as I remember Jan’s dire warnings about never letting go and losing the dogs. They shoot off, hurtling down the track ahead of them as fast as their little husky legs will carry them.
‘Help!’ I shout out. ‘Help!’ I cling on for dear life as I’m dragged along, trees showering me with snow. The anchor bobs along uselessly beside me and I cry out again, ‘Help!’
Everything else that I learned in Jan’s briefing has gone completely out of my head. I scramble for the brake, but I’m half on the sled, half off. Uselessly, I try to scrape my boot along the ground to stop them. But these dogs have the scent of a novice in their nostrils and are determined to run like the wind.
I risk a look behind and see Carter powering after me, running as fast as he can down the track despite being weighed down by his Arctic gear.
‘Brake, Cassie,’ he shouts out. ‘Put on the brake!’ He is just a few steps behind me and is gaining rapidly.
As the sled careens along the track, I try to assemble my scattered thoughts. The brake’s here somewhere, I simply have to concentrate. Then, just as I think I’m beginning to regain control, the sled hits a steep bank and the dogs whip round, cutting the corner. The sled and my world tilts sideways.
‘Aaargh!’ is all I can manage.
I turn to check where Carter is, assuming that he’s dropped back, only to see him launching himself at me.
‘Aaargh!’ I shout again.
Then we both let out an ‘Ouf’ as he connects with me in a flying rugby tackle, knocking me clean off the sled, and we roll over in the snow. The sled carries on running, but slower now. Instead of charging off into the wide, white yonder, soon the dogs come to a reluctant halt and start up a disappointed whine.
Carter is on top of me and we’ve created a dune of snow around us. We’re both panting heavily. My fur-trapper hat has tipped over my face and covers my eyes. Carter pushes it back with a snowy mitten.
‘Are you all right?’ he asks, concerned.
I blow snow from my mouth and blink it from my eyes. ‘I think so.’
‘Why did the dogs suddenly stop?’
‘I’m lying on the anchor,’ I tell him. Which starts him off laughing. I join in and we lie in the snow, giggling like schoolgirls.
‘I don’t think you’re ready for the Olympic dog-sledding team yet,’ Carter says. ‘A bit more practice is needed.’
‘I thought I was doing quite well.’
He takes off a glove and tenderly brushes my hair from my face with fingers that feel warm against my chilled skin.
‘Sure you’re OK?’
I nod, quite relieved that my neck still moves.
‘You did have me worried for a minute. The way those dogs were running, I thought you might end up back in Hemel Hempstead.’
We collapse into fits of laughter again.
A minute or two later, Jan and the children jog down the track behind us. We’re still lying in the snow and neither of us, it appears, is in a rush to get up.
Jan is the first to call out. ‘Hey,’ he says. ‘All well?’
‘Fine. We stopped the dogs.’ That makes us laugh all over again.
Eve stands with her hands on her hips. ‘Now you’re just being silly, Daddy.’
‘You’re right, darling,’ Carter agrees and gives me a rueful look. ‘We should be heading back now.’ He stands and holds out a hand so that I can get up too.
‘Make sure the anchor’s in place!’ Jan shouts.
So I turn over onto my tummy and press the anchor firmly into the snow. That’s it, dogs, I think. You ain’t going nowhere.
‘Are you happy to still take the sled, Cassie?’ Jan asks.
‘Yes,’ I say.
My legs are like jelly but that’s nothing to do with being dragged along by a dog sled. I cast a surreptitious glance at Carter who’s still grinning at me. Is it me or is there some sort of chemistry building between us?
Perhaps I’m wrong. Maybe it’s just because I’ve never really been in the company of another man for such a long time. I have to be careful to remember my place. Although I’m here at Carter’s invitation, I’m hardly his guest. I’m the hired help. If the kids had a nanny, it would be she who would be here in my place. It would serve me well to keep that firmly in my mind.
‘I’m fine,’ I assure them. ‘But does anyone want to come on the sled with me?’ I wouldn’t blame Max or Eve if they went with Jan instead. In my ears I can hear Tamara’s warning not to take the children home with any injuries.
‘I’ll come with you,’ Max says, excitedly.
‘Is that all right?’ I check with Carter.
‘If Max is happy, then I am too.’
The boy clambers straight onto the seat. ‘Can we tip it over again, Cassie?’ he shouts back at me. ‘It looked like brilliant fun.’
I’m not sure that it was fun, but it’s something that will stay with me for a very long time.
Chapter Forty-One
We make it back to the wilderness lodge without further incident. Thank heavens. The dogs settled in quickly and we whooshed through the spectacular scenery at a steady but exhilarating pace. All the way back we didn’t see another living soul. This place is remote in the extreme.
Calling Mrs Christmas Page 22