What I do know is that Carter’s waiting for me at Randall Court with open arms. I could go straight to him. Now. I could throw a bag in my clapped-out car and drive to his door. But I couldn’t do that to Jim. I love him too much. And that’s the difficult bit, isn’t it? Do I love him too much to walk away?
‘I have to go.’
In the bedroom I pack a few things. I don’t even know what. Yet, somehow, I fill a bag. Jim comes to watch me while I do it. His face, all of a sudden, looks lined and weary.
When my bag is packed, he takes me into his arms again. ‘Don’t,’ he breathes against my neck.
‘I have to,’ I tell him. ‘I have to be sure.’
‘I’ll be here, Cassie,’ he says. ‘When you’re ready, come back to me.’
I nod. My throat is closed and, anyway, what words could I say to make this right?
‘What about your work?’ he says. ‘There’s all kinds of stuff in the diary.’
‘I’ll sort it out,’ I tell him.
‘The lads and I will still help,’ Jim says. ‘This is your busiest period. Don’t try to do it all by yourself. You’ll make yourself ill.’
‘Thanks.’ I head towards the bedroom door. ‘You’re so lovely.’ I break down again.
‘Don’t get in the car while you’re upset like this.’ His voice is laced with worry. ‘Let me drive you to Gaby’s.’
‘I’m fine. Really.’
Jim’s face is bleak. ‘You’re not going to him?’
‘No.’
More sobbing. Jim takes me in his arms and holds me so tight that I can hardly catch my breath. This is the hardest, cruellest thing that I’ve ever done. It takes all my strength not to unpack my bag and stay. But is that the right thing to do? Is Jim’s happiness more important than my own? How can I decide that when I don’t even know what would make me happy any more?
Eventually, I have no tears left. I look up and see that Jim is crying too. I kiss his lips, tenderly, then pull away from him. And when I walk out of the door, I don’t look back.
Chapter Sixty-Five
I get as far as the end of the road before I have to pull over to the kerb and sob. I was crying so much that I couldn’t see a bloody thing and was likely to crash into something or someone. I don’t care for myself, to be honest, but I don’t want to hurt anyone else.
Should I phone Carter to tell him that I’ve left Jim to give myself time to think? I stare at my phone through my tears but I just can’t make the call. Instead, when I’ve managed to pull myself together, I limp my way to Gaby’s house, sticking to twenty miles an hour and ignoring the honking horns in my wake.
Ten minutes later I’m ringing Gaby’s doorbell. Her face falls when she sees the state of me and the bag in my hand. ‘What on earth’s the matter?’ she says, hugging me.
‘I’ve left Jim,’ I sob.
‘Don’t be stupid,’ she says.
‘I have.’
She leads me into her kitchen where her husband, Ryan, is sitting at the table.
‘Hello, sis,’ he says. ‘What’s up?’
‘She’s left Jim,’ Gaby fills in.
He laughs at that.
‘No. I have.’
‘Have you had a row?’ my sister presses me. ‘I know that it doesn’t often happen in your house, but it is quite normal for couples to fall out. It doesn’t mean that you have to leave.’
‘We haven’t had a row,’ I sniff. The tears aren’t far away again. ‘I’ve met someone else.’
Ryan splutters his tea out all over the table. He really does.
‘What?’ My sister is goggle-eyed.
‘Carter,’ I say, flatly. ‘The man I’ve been away with to Lapland.’
‘I know who he is,’ Gaby says. ‘Carter the red-hot millionaire.’
‘Yes.’
‘Oh, Cassie.’ She looks at me with despair. ‘How could you?’
‘I haven’t done anything,’ I say. Not yet. ‘But he wants me to be with him and I just can’t think straight any more. What shall I do?’
‘Drink wine,’ Gaby advises and proceeds to shoo Ryan out of the kitchen so that we can talk by ourselves.
I put my bag on the floor and flop down in the warm seat that he’s vacated. Gaby eyes my bag. ‘I guess you’re planning on staying?’
‘For a few days. Until I’ve sorted my head out. Is that OK?’
‘Of course, you idiot.’ She pours us wine. Red. Big glasses. Then sits opposite me. ‘So?’
I knock back the wine. It tastes bitter and too cold, but I’m not in the mood to be fussy. All it has to do is hit the spot and bring me some oblivion. I’m halfway down the glass before I can find my voice. ‘We just had the most fantastic trip to Lapland. Everything was perfect. We flew on a private jet, Gaby.’
‘You’re leaving Jim so that you can upgrade your style of travel to Boyfriend Air?’
That stings, but I hate to admit that there is a kernel of truth to my sister’s question. ‘It’s not just that. It’s everything, Gaby. I have strong feelings for Carter, there’s no doubt about that.’
‘Would you leave Jim for him if he lived in a cramped flat and drove a ten-year-old Vauxhall?’
As always, Gaby has cut right to the chase.
‘I don’t know. That’s why I wanted a few days away to think.’ More wine. ‘The fact is, though, that Carter doesn’t live in a cramped flat, he lives in a great, big, shiny mansion. He drives a great, big, shiny Mercedes. If I went to live with him, I would get all that too.’
‘So it’s the whole package that’s attractive? The life of luxury? The chance to become a WAG?’
I nod even though it pains me to admit my shallowness. ‘Who wouldn’t want that?’
Gaby sighs. ‘Knowing how hard it is for us to make ends meet, I can’t argue with that, Cassie.’ Her eyes are bleak when she looks at me. ‘But Jim? How could you do this to Jim? It’ll destroy him.’
‘Don’t you think I know that?’ I put my head in my hands.
‘Does Carter love you?’
‘He says that he does,’ I tell her. ‘I’ve spent only a few days with him, Gaby. I can’t tell if his love is for real. It’s the same for me. I can’t stop thinking about him, that much I know. I adore his children too and I miss them terribly. But is that love?’
‘I think love is different things at different times. Love to me now is Ryan and me, working away at the daily grind to provide a better life for our kids. What we want from our own relationship has, largely, been put to one side. For you, it’s different. You don’t have the glue of children to keep you together.’
‘Carter’s wife left even though they’ve got two fantastic kids and, on paper, he’s everything a woman could ever ask for.’
‘Then you have to ask yourself why.’
‘I so want a family, Gaby.’ Tears prick my eyes. ‘I want to be like you and Ryan, but we’ve never had the money to be able to start. There’s always something else that needs to be paid for.’
Gaby’s laugh is bitter. ‘That never changes. If people thought about what a couple of kids would cost in a lifetime, no one would ever have them.’
‘All those problems would be solved with Carter. I’d never have to worry about money again. He wants someone to be at home to look after his children, be a proper mother to them.’
Gaby bristles at that. ‘I have to work, Cassie. It doesn’t make me less of a mother.’
‘You know what I mean,’ I say placatingly. ‘You’re still always here for your kids. Tamara is flying all over the world. She’s never at home. Neither is Carter. The kids are both stuck in boarding schools being looked after by strangers and he wants them to come home. He’s realised that he was putting his business first and he wants to change.’
‘Are you sure that he loves you or does he just see you as the ideal solution to his current domestic problems?’
‘I don’t know.’ I pour us more wine and then start to cry again.
‘Oh, Cassie.’
Gaby slips onto the seat next to me and takes me in her arms, rocking me as she used to do as a child when I was upset.
‘I still love Jim. What am I to do?’
‘Sleep on it,’ Gaby advises. ‘You’re exhausted. Perhaps it will all look different in the morning. You’ll have to kip down on the sofa.’
‘I know. I’ll be fine.’ She hands me a tissue. I wipe away my tears and blow my nose. ‘Thanks. I know I’m a stupid fool.’
‘Think carefully before you jump,’ Gaby warns. ‘You might have a long way to fall.’
Chapter Sixty-Six
Jim was still sitting on the bed, head in hands, when he heard the front door open. For a moment, his heart lifted. Then he heard the voices of Smudge and Rozzer and knew that it wasn’t Cassie coming back, full of remorse and realising that she was making a terrible mistake. He wiped the tears from his eyes with his sleeve and tried to pull himself together.
‘Jim,’ Rozzer shouted out. ‘Are you here?’
His limbs like lead, Jim made himself stand up and go into the living room. He tried to paste a smile onto his face, but knew that he was making a bad job of it. ‘Hi.’
‘Bloody hell.’ Rozzer threw down the carrier bag he was holding. ‘You look like shit.’
‘Thanks.’ Jim accepted the comment with a wry glance.
‘What’s happened? Did you and Cassie have a row?’ Rozzer flicked a thumb back towards the door. ‘We didn’t see her Clio in the car park.’
‘Yes,’ Jim said. ‘We’ve had a row.’ The first big one in living memory. Perhaps if they’d had more rows, he might have known how to handle this one.
‘Has she flounced off in a huff?’ Rozzer asked him. ‘My mum used to do that all the time.’
‘No,’ Jim said. Cassie wasn’t a flouncer. She wasn’t much of a crier either. But this time it was clear from her demeanour that the situation was breaking her heart as much as it was his. ‘She’s gone to stay with her sister for a few days.’
‘Shit, Jim,’ Rozzer said. ‘That doesn’t sound good.’
‘No.’ Jim sighed. ‘It’s not, lad.’
‘Is it because of us?’ Smudge asked quietly. ‘We’ve not made Cassie fall out with you, have we?’
‘No, Smudge.’ Jim shook his head sadly. ‘It’s much more complicated than that.’
‘We don’t want to be any trouble. You’re both the best thing that’s ever happened to me.’ Now Smudge had welled up too.
‘It’s not you. Believe me, it would be a lot easier if it was.’
Both lads stood there looking forlorn. Jim was sad for them because he’d so wanted this to be a time for celebration for them. They were out of prison and should both be as happy as Larry. Whoever Larry was.
‘She’s met someone else,’ Jim said baldly. It was better if he just came clean. He didn’t want them worrying that they weren’t wanted here. The last thing he needed was them going out on the streets or something. He’d rather they were under his roof where he could keep an eye on them. ‘The bloke that she went to Lapland with.’
‘But you’re great,’ Smudge rushed in. ‘How could she meet someone better than you?’
‘I guess I’m not the right person to ask that question.’
The sad thing was that he couldn’t blame Cassie. How could he begin to compete with someone like Carter Randall? What could he offer when Randall could give her all she could ever want and gold-plate it at that? All Jim could do was stay here, be as solid as ever and hope that Cassie would eventually see that as a good thing. It didn’t seem like her to turn her back on everything that they’d done together, all their hopes and dreams. She was a loyal, devoted woman who’d never given him a moment’s pain. He had to hold onto that thought.
He’d loved Cassie since the first time he’d laid eyes on her. Whether she came back or not, he was sure that he’d never stop loving her until the day he died.
‘Is there anything we can do?’ Rozzer said, interrupting his thoughts. ‘You’ve always been there for us. Now we can be here for you.’
Jim risked a smile, but it threatened to set off his tears again. ‘Thanks.’
‘Do you want a cup of tea or something?’
‘Yeah,’ Jim said. It was hard to keep the emotion out of his voice. Cassie was gone and it was possible that she was never coming back. He wondered if he would ever get used to that. ‘Tea would be champion.’
‘I’ll put the kettle on then,’ Smudge said. He went to leave the room and then turned back. ‘I don’t suppose that you’d want a hug or something too?’
‘Yeah,’ Jim said. ‘Why not?’
They both came and wrapped their arms around him. In the middle of the living room, they stood together in a bear-hug. He inhaled the scent of their clothes, their hair – they smelled of washed skin and hair gel – and he felt pleased that the stench of Bovingdale was leaving them. They could be his own boys; he was old enough to be their dad – just about. It was all that he wanted for himself and for Cassie. Now Carter Randall, with a click of his fingers, could give it to her.
The tears flowed again and he wasn’t ashamed of crying in front of the boys. Sometimes life dealt you low blows and they were worth crying over. And when the lads both started crying too, he pulled them to him tightly.
Chapter Sixty-Seven
When Gaby and I have finished the bottle of wine, she furnishes me with tea. In the kitchen, I sit and text both Jim and Carter. I let Jim know that I got to Gaby’s safely and that I’m not going to contact him for a week to give myself time to think.
He texts back, ‘I love u.’ And a line of kisses. Which has me undone again.
When I’ve stopped crying, I text Carter and tell him that I’ve left my flat and am staying with my sister. I also tell him that I won’t contact him for a week while I get my head clear. He rings me instantly.
‘Come to me,’ he says without preamble. ‘Bring your stuff straight up to the house.’
‘I can’t,’ I say. ‘I need some time to get my head round this. I’m not sure what I’m doing, Carter.’
‘But you love me,’ he says. ‘You love the kids.’
I don’t think that’s in question.
‘Think of the life you could have.’
‘That’s what I am doing, Carter. However, I need to do it by myself.’
I don’t need to tell him that when I’m with him all sense of who I really am goes out of the window. I need to make this life-changing decision in the cold, clear light of day. Not in Carter’s arms, Carter’s house, Carter’s bed.
‘I want to be with you, Cassie,’ he says plainly. ‘I’ll do whatever it takes.’
‘Just give me some space, some time. That’s all I ask. You shouldn’t ring me for a few days.’
‘I love you,’ Carter says.
There’s a space where I should answer but I can’t make myself say the words.
‘I’ll leave it at that for tonight. Sleep tight, Cassie.’
‘And you,’ I say. ‘Give my love to the children.’
‘They miss you.’
‘I miss them,’ I tell him honestly. ‘Goodnight, Carter.’ I hang up.
In the living room, Gaby is making up my bed on the sofa. ‘You should go home,’ she says. ‘You have a fantastic man waiting there for you.’
‘I know.’ I plonk myself down on the corner while she plumps pillows in a disapproving manner. ‘This isn’t about Jim not being fantastic.’
She sits next to me. ‘What is it about then, Cassie?’
‘Life has just been so hard, Gabs. I’ve had a nightmare year. Being made redundant, struggling to get out of bed in the morning to face the day, the constant battle just to pay our bills. I’m tired of it. Tired of it all. Then I start up Calling Mrs Christmas! and I’m finally good at something. On top of that Carter comes along – he’s warm, handsome —’
‘Loaded.’
‘Loaded,’ I concede. ‘He makes me feel like a princess.’
‘Perhaps that�
�s because it’s a fairy tale rather than being real.’
‘But it is real. Carter’s for real.’ At least I think he is. ‘No one has made me feel like this before. He could take me away from the rat race and give me a life that I could only ever have dreamed of. Can I really reject that outright without, at least, thinking about it carefully?’
Calling Mrs Christmas Page 34