by D. Breeze
“Are you quite done?” he asked, interrupting my rant.
Well no, actually, I wasn’t done. But I’d also completely lost my train of thought when I realised just how much I’d said. Damn it! When would I learn to control myself around him? Probably never, I guessed. I stared up at him, my mind whirled and I stayed silent. He took my silence to mean I was, in actual fact, finished with my rant and he rocked...my...world.
“Babe, sit.” I sat, legs crossed, on the grass. He sat too. “I’d love to know what it is, although I could take a pretty educated guess, that’s made you so completely fucked in the head, you do not even make any sense. I’m not better than you, hell, I honestly don’t know if anyone is. You have no idea do you?”
He didn’t allow me to answer, not that I could have, seeing as I didn’t have a freaking clue what he was actually asking.
“You’re beautiful. So fucking beautiful, sometimes it hurts to look at you. A real stunner, every single inch of you. Pure beauty, like a precious fucking diamond. You think I ignored you? You couldn’t be more wrong pretty girl. I’ve noticed you every day since you were god damned six years old and you used to stare out the window for hours watching us kick the ball around the front lawn...” My eyes widened at the news that he’d seen me staring. I needed him to stop talking, his words were just too much. I never really did get what I want, it wasn’t going to happen then either.
“I’ve watched you change from this cute brown haired, blue eyed little girl, into the woman who makes my heart ache with just her beauty alone. I wasn’t ignoring you, I was waiting, planning, knowing that one day, one day, I’d get my chance and I’d take it. I couldn’t just approach you for no reason. Babe, no offence, but you were always so aloof and untouchable, I didn’t know how to deal with that. Now I don’t need to, because you’re not aloof and you’re not untouchable, you’re just you. And I like you. It’s been a two whole weeks and I haven’t heard a word from you. You avoided me in college, you wouldn’t look my way in class, I know you changed the route you walk to and from college because I fucking looked for you...”
“But your hiding time stops now. You’re not a nobody, that’s ridiculous. Everybody’s somebody, Rhianne. I do not give one single fuck about anyone else’s opinion and neither should you. That’s their problem. Those narrow minded, pathetic little cretins don’t even deserve to breathe the same air as you, let alone judge you in any way. Stop letting them dictate what you do. It drives me insane, every time you hide your beautiful face behind your hair, or stare at your shoes in the hallway, trying to appear invisible. I hate it. You should be showing the whole fucking lot of them what they’re missing out on because they don’t have you in their lives. You should be laughing in their faces and pitying them because they can’t see beyond their preconceived ideas about you...”
“You wouldn’t do that though, because you’re too nice. That right there, is my point. You’re perfect. So sweet, so good, so fucking angelic, they mistake that for your weakness. They’re vultures and they feed on the weak. But they’ve underestimated you, because you’re not weak, you’ve never let them break you, and I’m not going to let you hide anymore. At...all. Tomorrow morning, I’m driving you to college, we’re getting out of the car, I’m taking your hand and we’re walking in there together. Hand-in-hand, head held high, letting the world see that you are not a fucking coward and you’re better than them. Got me?”
Nope. I didn’t get him.
My brain had stopped working.
There was just too much to process but apparently my subconscious had taken over and my head bobbed in acknowledgement. Damn it! He let out a breath as if he’d been bracing himself for whatever came out of my mouth, then he smiled. His perfect smile. I melted.
I think, if it was possible for someone to turn physically melt into the ground, it would have happened.
He stood and held out his hand and again, I automatically placed mine in his and he pulled me up. He didn’t stop there though, he tugged again and I fell forward, straight into his chest. My breath caught in my throat as I looked up into his eyes to see that he was staring at my mouth. Oh gosh, he was going to kiss me, I knew it.
The air crackled with intensity and I couldn’t back away, I didn’t want to.
He kissed me. Not at all like before, this was different, somehow. It felt like he took possession of my mouth from the second his lips touched mine. I don’t know how it happened, I have no clue, but his tongue was stroking mine, slowly, beautifully, perfectly.
My first kiss, with tongues!
I acted on instinct and wrapped my arms around his neck, edging even closer until I was pressed right against him. I forgot to breathe, I didn’t need to. He was my air, my lungs, my heart, my everything.
I don’t know how long we stood there kissing before he moved his head back an inch, and pecked my lips once more and exhaled. My skin was on fire and my pulse was racing. I was fairly certain that life didn’t get any better than that moment. Perfection.
“You can open your eyes now.” he whispered, and I blushed. I was so caught up in everything about him, I hadn’t even realised that I had been standing there with my eyes closed. Opening them, I looked at him. So much I could say, so much I wanted to say...so much I never would.
I was convinced that whatever was happening between us, would never last, so I stayed silent.
I’d follow him to the ends of the Earth if I needed to, so I figured I’d let him lead and see where he was going with this. If he wanted me for a day, a week, a month...I’d let him. I couldn’t fight him anymore if I wanted to, he was my heart.
Chapter Ten
Issues
A lot can happen in a month.
I don’t think I’d ever really realised just how much.
Until Jamie.
He had taken over my life, not by force, I was a willing participant, but it still shocked me just how much.
I was floating.
It certainly felt like I was anyway.
Nothing and no one could have made me feel anything other than pure bliss. I’d gone from the girl who had nothing, to the girl who had it all. Maybe not everyone would have agreed with me, but I knew it in my heart, everything was going to be all right. It had to be. I had Jamie, and that’s all that mattered.
I don’t know when we became an ‘us’, we just were.
I had a boyfriend!
And he was utterly perfect, in every way. Every day, he took me to college and brought me home, regardless of whether he was supposed to be there or not. He protected me, he stood up for me and he made me happy. So happy in fact, that my home life just didn’t seem to matter. It should have, probably, because things were not any better. They were worse.
I just wasn’t paying attention.
Being so swept up in one person that they actually consumed your every thought, is not something most people would consider ‘healthy’. I did not care. Not even slightly. My world was a better place with him in it, and I decided to keep it that way.
We’d spent the month just, being teenagers. It was strange, really strange, for me to start having a life at the age of eighteen, but that’s exactly what had happened. I don’t think Jamie realise just how monumental his actions were when he took me under his wing. And honestly, without him knowing, that’s exactly what he had done. He was my protector and he made sure that whenever it was, whatever I was doing, he was there to take care of me.
There were a few incidents at college, more than a few I suppose. But a few things really stood out. The first was everyone’s reaction when he walked into college holding my hand. Mouths dropped open immediately, as in, the second he touched my hand, people stared. I wanted to shrink away but he gave me a look that told me that he wouldn’t like it. So I did what he said, I held my head high.
Inside, I was a quivering wreck.
The second incident happened the following day, I walked into the girls bathroom to find Candace in the alone. She was staring at
herself in the mirror, crying. I wish I wouldn’t have, but I asked if she was ok. Seeing as I was alone, I had no one to protect me from the words she spat at me.
“Do I fucking look ok? This is your fucking fault. The quiet little freak, everyone thinks you’re so fucking innocent but you’re not. Did you know that Harv broke up with me? Of course you did, bet you’re putting out for both of them ain’t ya? Fucking whore. What? Is your pussy lined with fucking gold or something? Tell me. I actually want to know what it is that has Jamie wrapped around your little finger, sticking to you like your personal fucking bodyguard. You’re ruining him, you know? I hope you’re happy with yourself, he fucking ran this school before you. Who’s gonna give him the time of day now? Not one fucker in this place knows what is going on in his fucking brain. He could have anyone, and he chose you? It’s so fucked up.” She paused for her first breath, then carried on verbally ripping me to shreds.
“You’re nothing, no one, you’re just a waste of fucking air. Everyone thinks you’re a freak, did you know that? You really think that you can hold on to Jay? Never. He’ll get tired of looking after you soon enough. Because that’s what he’s doing. He doesn’t care about you, he feels sorry for you. Don’t kid yourself that it’s anything more than that. So no, I’m not ok, but I’m still a damn sight better than you.” She shoved past me, and left.
Having all my fears confirmed by someone else, it hurt. A lot. Jamie found me ten minutes later when he walked into the girls’ bathroom and it was my turn to stand crying in front of the mirror.
He didn’t ask straight away, he just wrapped his arms around me, pressed his lips to my neck, and held on. When my tears had subsided, he asked me what was wrong and I told him. I had no reason to lie, no reason to protect her, so I told him word for word what she’d said. Yes, I remembered it all. Those words were burned into my brain, I’d probably never forget them. One thing I didn’t tell him though, was that the things she had said were true and I believed every one of them.
His face turned hard and he stormed off. I never really did think about the fact that he’d walked straight into the girl’s bathroom. If I had, I probably would have realised just how much attention he had paid to me throughout the years, seeing as it my regular hiding place when things just got a bit too much to deal with.
He never told me what he’d said or done, but I did know that Candace had never spoken to me since. Oh she still sent me scathing looks and snickered behind my back and I was fairly certain she was still spreading rumours about me, but everyone did that, so I didn’t care.
The third thing was Harvey. There wasn’t just one incident, there was many. He made it clear he didn’t like me, I don’t know why, but he just didn’t. He openly made fun of me, not in front of Jamie though, never, only if I was alone. He wouldn’t because he knew Jamie would shout at him. Not that I wanted to cause problems, I didn’t, but I still got butterflies every time he stood up for me. So yes, Harvey was a problem, but Jamie seemed to ignore him, so I did too. Most of the time...
A couple of weeks after me and Jamie had become ‘official’ Harvey cornered me in the kitchen at their house. He must have been biding his time because I was only alone for a few minutes and he took the opportunity. I sat at the table with my head buried in a book that I’d found in Jamie’s room.
“Rhianne.” I looked up when I heard his voice.
“Hello Harvey.” I said, politely. Just because he’s mean, I didn’t want to give him ammunition.
“Got a minute?”
I purposely looked around as if to see if there was anything else I had to do. I didn’t, so I nodded. He used his arms to wheel himself across from me.
“So, it’s been a couple of weeks, I think it’s gone on long enough. I only have one question...” He stopped.
“Which is?”
“What’s your game?”
“My game?” I asked, not understanding what he meant.
“Yeah, your game. See, at first I thought it was just an attention thing, like you were using Jay to get popular or some shit. Then I thought, nah, she wouldn’t be that stupid. She must know that everyone would ditch her as soon as she was finished with Jay. So then, I got to thinking. Is it because you are just hoping to fit in? Is it an excuse to get away from your crazy mum? Is it because you have daddy issues so you’re clinging to the first guy who has ever showed you any attention?”
I was speechless, so I just looked at him with my mouth agape.
“I’m deadly serious, I want to know the answer. There is no way that this facade can carry on. It’s pathetic. How long are you going to try and take over Jay’s life? This can’t continue. I ain’t even in fucking college and I still know every fucking thing that’s going on. Don’t think that just because I’m not there all the time, that you can brainwash him or some shit. You can’t.”
Honestly, had he have said anything else, I wouldn’t have even reacted. However, I hated that he thought Jamie was stupid enough to fall for little games, or that he was some sort of possession that belonged to anyone.
“I hate to break it to you Harvey, but nothing about this is a facade, we like each other. That’s all there is to it. He’s his own person, so if you have a problem with the fact that he’s with me, you need to take that up with him.”
And I walked away. I suppose it wasn’t nearly as much as he deserved, but it was a start.
It was weird, Harvey being mean to me when he knew I was the one who’d helped save him. But he was basically back to his old self very quickly, so I wasn’t surprised. Even the doctors had been impressed with how well he was recovering, apparently. I wasn’t there most of the time of course, I still was not comfortable being around Jamie’s family, so anything I knew about them, came from him.
I assumed he thought that if he kept me updated, I’d be more inclined to spend time with them.
This however, was just not the case. I still thought Cheryl was lovely, but any time I was even in the vicinity, I could feel the judgement rolling off his dad and Harvey, I honestly doubted that would ever change. So I avoided them as much as I could.
Jamie told me that the doctors had warned Harvey against doing too much too soon, but I could understand why he was pushing himself. If he was half as stubborn as Jamie, then I had no doubt that he would be fully recovered in no time at all.
The only other ‘problem’ I suppose you could call it, was that I was annoying Jamie. He never said it, but I could see it in his eyes. He was so desperate for me to accept how much he cared about me and to stand up for myself. I was trying, truly I was, but I guess I wasn’t trying hard enough. He knew I was expecting to wake up one day with him not wanting me anymore and for the whole thing to disappear, but that couldn’t be helped.
It was a part of me – the doubt. Maybe it was that I had been brainwashed, or maybe it was just that I’d never held on to anything that good, but one way or another, he was determined to make me see differently.
I was not going to argue.
But that’s it. Nothing too major I suppose. I was happy with almost everything, because almost everything included Jamie.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I was waiting by the front door for Jamie to leave his house so we could go to college and I kept glancing at my watch, frowning when I realised he was running late. He was never late. I decided to walk over and knock, maybe he slept in, or maybe he wasn’t going. I would have thought he’d have text though.
As I reached his car on the driveway, the front door opened, and Jamie stepped out with a scowl on his face. He didn’t scowl, ever, so I was immediately overcome by dread. What had I done wrong? I put everything I had into being perfect for him, why would he be mad at me?
I felt the blood drain from my face and my eyes filled with tears. I couldn’t lose him, I needed him.
He walked straight up to me and I waited for his verbal attack.
“I give up!”...Not a good start. I started trembling. “For fuck sake, he really is o
ne of the most stubborn assholes I’ve ever had the displeasure of dealing with. I do not know how we ever shared a fucking womb because right now, I do not want to be anywhere near him. Sorry I’m late babe, but it seems we’re going to have an extra body in the car this morning. Do you mind taking the back seat so it’s easier to get Harv in? He thinks he’s well enough to go back to college and even though both me and my mum have tried telling him, as usual, he think he knows what’s best.”
I stared at him. Silent. He wasn’t mad at me? The relief was overwhelming.
“Holy shit, what’s wrong?” His hand came up to caress my cheek and my breath caught in my throat. Evidently, I hadn’t been able to hide my reaction to his anger. I couldn’t seem to control my body so I hugged my arms around myself to try and stop the shaking. It didn’t work. I let my head fall forward into his chest and sobbed.
His arms closing around me did nothing to help, they made it worse.
One day, I really would have to deal with him leaving me, but I knew from my reaction, that I would never be able to cope with it.