by D. Breeze
Malcolm stood from the table and said something to Cheryl, I don’t hear what. Then he walks outside.
Why would he leave in the middle of Christmas dinner? And why was I getting visions of the past? That had never happened before. It made me nervous, I didn’t want to see. I tried to shake it off, to get back to reality. My ‘gift’ didn’t work that way. I was meant to get this message.
Malcolm walks out into the back garden and lights up a cigarette. He carries on walking, strolling really, around to side of the house and down the driveway. I watch as he turns to the side and frowns. My mother is there.
Oh no. I did not want to see any more. I felt my pulse rise.
She’s talking. I need to hear. When I can, I wish I didn’t.
“I’ll get rid of him, I can do it. My Lord, my Saviour, I’m yours. I need you here, you can’t leave me ok? Yes, yes I know it’s our secret. I’ll never tell anyone I promise. I love our secrets, they’re special. I’m on top of the world aren’t I? I am, I am, I am.”
Why would she be saying that...to Malcolm?
He’s frowning still, and his lip turns up into a sneer. He goes to turn away and she shows no reaction. She’s not even talking to him, she’s talking to...to no one. There’s no one else there. She’s talking to herself. As he turns to leave she glances up at him and a sly smile touches her lips, almost like she’s just figured out the answer to a puzzle...
The vision fades and, as usual, I’m left with more questions than answers.
Then I thought, if Jamie was eight or nine, then I would have been too. If she was talking about getting rid of my dad, then he must have not have left yet. She was that sick before he left, that she was talking to herself?
I didn’t have time to put any more thought into it. I felt lips at my neck and smiled.
“Morning baby. Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas, honey.” My voice was breathy with need. He must have heard it too because he stilled against my back and the room temperature heated.
Things between us had been becoming more intense and intimate over time, slowly though, I was nervous. I had no idea what I was doing, he did. We’d never discussed it, just let thing take their course, he always seemed to know me better than I know myself and he put the brakes on more often than not.
Part of me was grateful, I suppose. The other part of me...not so much. I just wanted that first step over with, which might sound slightly harsh, but I needed to feel that connection with him. The intimacy, the passion...I wanted it all.
I knew what girls were like in our town, and they weren’t like me. They were loose and slutty, all of them. And I’d be very surprised if any of them were still virgins at eighteen.
I had a boyfriend, a boyfriend that I lived with, and I still hadn’t had s.e.x.
As his hands explored my skin, I felt like a path of fire was following his finger tips and I started to pant. We’d fooled around a bit, ok a lot, most days, but this felt different. I didn’t feel his usual hesitation. He was a man who knew exactly what he wanted and when he looked into my eyes, raised himself over me and asked me if I was ready...I didn’t even hesitate.
I’d heard the stories, the girls at school and college talking about how much it hurt and how much they regretted it after. Then of course, there was Abbi’s story...
I would have never had to worry about that though. Jamie was perfect, he was slow and sweet, whispering how much he loved me and how it was the most amazing moment of his life.
Maybe it’s just me, but having something so special between us, made my heart race erratically. Virginity may have been just a word to some people, but to me, ‘giving it away’ to someone I truly loved with all my heart, was more magical then I could have ever imagined.
I knew I would cherish the moment for the rest of my life. It was definitely more than just ‘sex’, it was a connection and for the first time...I felt like we were always meant to be, like this was my destiny.
We were the definition of fate.
~*~*~*~*~
About ten minutes later, I had my head laid on his shoulder, listening to his rapidly beating heart, feeling his fingers run slowly up and down my spine.
“Are you ok?” he asked.
“I’m more than fine, I’m...Jamie I’m perfect. That was amazing.”
He smiled, it wasn’t a cocky smile, it was genuine. “You’re amazing.”
Swoon!
“Can we swap presents now?” he asked, with a grin on his face. I was surprised that he could recover that quickly, but then, I shouldn’t have been surprised. Jamie loved presents.
I giggled. “Of course we can. But, I have to warn you, I really didn’t get you much. I ran out of ideas after your birthday presents.”
“I don’t care what you got me. You’ve already given me the best present I could have ever asked for,” he gave me a cheeky grin. I blushed.
“You said that about the tickets for the semi-final yesterday too! I’m not sure if I should be insulted!” I joked, but his look turned serious.
“Pretty girl, I know you were joking, but you know there is no comparison, right? The fact that you love me and trusted me enough to let me be your first, your only, that means more to me than you could ever imagine. I know it bothered you that I’ve been with other girls, but that’s all they were...just other girls. Nothing, no one, could ever even compare to how I felt when I was inside you. I didn’t think it was even possible to love you any more than I already did. But I do. I’ll never, ever forget this moment, right here, lying in our bed, knowing that I’m the only guy who will ever get to experience what I just did.”
Wow.
“I love you so much. I know what you meant and I was only messing with you, but thank you, for saying that.”
“I meant every word baby.”
I smiled in response. It was actually getting easier to believe him. His words always chipped away at my doubts and I was sure that he had no idea how much my thoughts had changed every time he spoke.
“Now...” he started slowly. “Can we do presents?”
He made me laugh. “Yes! Race you!”
I jumped from the bed, pausing briefly to throw on a dressing gown and ran through the door, into the lounge.
A few feet from our miniature Christmas tree, Jamie darted past me and skidded to a stop in front of the presents. I stomped my foot and pouted like a child. He always did win at everything.
“Oh stop pouting! You made a mistake, you stopped to put something on! Rookie mistake, Ree. Rookie mistake.” He shook his head as if he was disappointed in me. That’s when I realised what he meant. I let my eyes travel the lines of his abs. He really did not a self-conscious bone in his body, not that he needed to. He stood proud in front of me, naked as the day he was born.
“Oh my gosh, Jamie!” I screeched. “Put something on, now!”
“Don’t tell me you’ve gone all shy on me babe! I don’t think either of us has anything to be shy about now do we?” He asked, with a smirk on his face. “And anyway, it’s not the first time you’ve seen me naked. It won’t be the last either.”
“I know! B-but, please will you put that thing away while we open presents? It’s distracting!”
He chuckled, but sauntered his way by me, patting my bum on the way past.
“Prude,” he muttered.
“I am not!”
He laughed again.
He came back out seconds later wearing boxers. He wasn’t exactly covered up, but at least he didn’t have his thing waving at me anymore. I didn’t think I’d ever be confident enough to just sit around naked, with anyone!
~*~*~*~*~
So...I got spoilt.
A lot.
Jamie seemed perfectly happy with his little pile of presents. He was more excited to watch me open mine; I guess I could see why.
I had perfume, clothes, shoes. Gorgeous shoes actually, black with a four inch spike heel, little diamante stones decorating the top and a peep-to
e. I fell in love with them instantly.
I didn’t even own a pair of real, girls shoes before. Just two pairs of trainers, so I don’t know how he would have known I’d love something like that.
I also didn’t care how he knew.
I loved them so much, that I squealed and did a mini ‘happy dance’ in the middle of the lounge, which made him laugh.
It didn’t end there though. I had a new watch, a necklace and most importantly, he bought me a kindle! One of those new fancy ones, with the colour screen and things.
Ok, so I didn’t really know much about technology, but I’d learn. I hugged it my chest and threw myself at him. I kissed his face over and over again, repeating “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Between kisses.
“You’re welcome babe, now you don’t have to spend as much time in the library, you can just buy new books on there.”
“So this was just your way of spending more time with me?” I asked, my voice laced with sarcasm.
“Ahh, you caught me! I want you with me all the time, I want to be your only focus in life and seeing as I just cannot compete with the library, I thought I’d better bring it to you.”
I giggled. “Shut up! But seriously, thank you. I love it! And I love you.”
“Love you too baby.”
It was, by a country mile, the best day of my life.
~*~*~*~*~
We were both dressed and standing in our little kitchen, drinking tea. I held the cup between my hands, using it to warm my fingers.
“We should probably get over there now.” Jamie said, referring to the fact that we were having Christmas dinner in the house.
We walked hand in hand across the back garden and entered the house through the back door.
“Merry Christmas!” he shouted as soon as we stepped over the threshold. This started a chorus of ‘Merry Christmas to you too’.
I watched everyone bustling around, preparing things for dinner, while I stood to one side and let them get on with it. I did offer to help, but apparently they already each had their jobs and were sticking to it. I was not going to intrude.
Malcolm poured himself a baileys and headed for the sofas, so I followed. I had something I wanted to ask.
“Malcolm?”
“Yes?”
“Do you remember my mum years ago, like, before my dad left?” I asked, hoping that I could have a civil conversation with him.
His eyes narrowed, probably because he was trying to figure out where I was going with this.
“I suppose so yes, although I never really knew her. Why?”
“How long was she sick? I, um...” I took a second to think of a good excuse without letting him know about my visions. “I remembered something this morning, about a Christmas from years ago. I remember her talking to you outside, but I don’t know why. I just wanted to know how much you knew about her, if you knew about her...issues.”
He looked thoughtful.
“I think I remember the year you’re talking about. That was a long time ago though, I still smoked back then. I never knew about her illness Rhianne. So I do not know how long these things had been going on, but that day, she wasn’t out there talking to me, I’m not sure that we ever spoke to one another to be honest. But yes, I have a vague memory of that year, because she was not talking to me. She was talking to herself, muttering nonsense about getting rid of someone and eternal love or something. I cannot remember the exact words of course, I just thought maybe she was drunk. Honestly, I think most people around here just thought she was a drunk.”
I nodded. I could understand that.
“Ok, thank you. I just want to know the truth. Do you...do you think I could have helped her? Do you think I could have done something to make life easier and prevent everything that’s happened?” I didn’t know why I was asking him, but I just did.
He sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees.
“Rhianne, you cannot ask yourself those things. You’ll never know. I assume you want answers to questions that can never be answered. We know she was mentally ill, that much was obvious just from the few hours I spent in her presence, at the end. No one knew how bad things were for you, or I’m sure someone would have stepped in.”
I did note that he said ‘someone’ not ‘I would’ but I let it go.
“You’ll never find out what was truly wrong with her, even if you have your suspicions. The same applies to what you just asked. It was never your responsibility to get help for her, or to make life easier. You were just a child who was dealt a bad hand in life, unfortunately, with no one else around to notice, you were left with it. I don’t think you should trouble yourself with those thoughts anymore. Put them to bed, so to speak.”
I nodded, slowly.
“Ok, thank you.”
“Listen, join me in my office for a moment yes?”
He was already up and moving towards the hallway. I frowned, but I followed him anyway.
I sat in the chair opposite his desk and waited while he retrieved something from the drawer. It was a black envelope and he placed it on the desk before sitting down himself, and looking right at me.
“You have never heard about Cheryl and I met, have you?”
I shook my head. I hadn’t. I also thought it was weird that he would bring it up.
“I never had a family. Not for long anyway. I grew up in foster homes all over the country. When I was sixteen, I was a hot-headed little rascal, but I thought I knew it all. I left my last foster home, I barely even remember their names to be honest, but that’s unimportant. I went looking for my birth parents, I just wanted to know who they were and why they hadn’t brought me up themselves. It didn’t take long, less than a month if I remember rightly. Anyway, long story short, I wish I had never found them. They were possibly the vilest human beings I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. Alcoholics, I think. I know I was not the only child they had that went into the care system, although I never did bother looking for any siblings of mine. It really didn’t matter after that, as far as I was concerned, my parents were selfish, disgusting creatures who should never have been allowed to procreate.”
My head was spinning, it was the most Malcolm had ever said to me, and it certainly gave food for thought about the way he behaved as an adult.
“I’m getting off course here. It was a week or two later, when I was living off benefits in a rundown council flat in Manchester, I decided, even as a sixteen year old boy, that I was not going to lead that life. I enrolled in college, and I met Cheryl on my first day. She was beautiful and I walked straight up to her, trying to talk to her. She was way too far out of my league, I thought she’d laugh in my face or ignore me. She didn’t though, she always has had the power to surprise me at every turn. She spoke to me for hours, we missed classes and stayed long after college had finished for the day. I admit, I didn’t want her to leave because I wasn’t sure I would get the chance to speak to her again. Maybe you could call it love at first sight, though I’m not too sure I believe in that, but it could have been. Other than when she broke up with me for a while which, unfortunately, you know all about...” He looked away and grimaced.
“We were together constantly from that point. I promised myself I’d give her, and any children we ever had, the life I thought I could only ever have dreamed of. I worked all hours God sent, and I always do give my family whatever they want. But you were right yesterday, I’m man enough to admit that. I was so busy working to provide for them, I forgot my role as a father and a husband and I’m going to make up for that. I hope you’ll accept my apology for the way I have behaved towards you and I’d like you to take this gift as part of that...” he slid the envelope towards me and I glanced at it.
“It’s for both of you, you and Jamie, to go and do something nice together. You’re a brave young lady and it took being put in my place by you, for me to see the error of my ways. Sometimes, even when you’re smiling, you look like you’re carrying the weight of the
world on your shoulders and I’d like to help with that too. I didn’t even realise it until yesterday, but everything I’ve done in life, every mistake I’ve made as a parent, has stemmed from that meeting when I was sixteen years old. I was stubborn and I wanted answers to questions that were better left unanswered. I think you can learn from my mistakes here Rhianne. Leave the past in the past, no matter how much you’ve been through, how much you’re trying to work out in your mind, look to the future. I know we’ve been slightly dubious about the speed at which your relationship with Jamie has progressed, but you have a good, stable base now, something you can work on. Don’t let your fears and doubts about the past, ruin something that could make your future incredible.”
He stopped, and looked at me. I could feel my heart in my throat, tears welled in my eyes and I bit down on my bottom lip. I had no words for him, I wasn’t sure where his speech had come from, but I believed every word. He really was going to change for his family and he really did want the best for me too.
I walked over to the desk, looked at the envelope and picked it up. Tickets, two of them, on a hot-air balloon ride. How utterly random, I thought. He must have noticed my confusion because he explained.
“I wanted to give you both something different, a once in a lifetime experience, that you could have together. Cheryl and I went once, and it was an amazing day through and through...” he shrugged, looking almost sheepish. “Maybe it’s not what the kids are all doing these days, but I thought you’d enjoy it.”
“Thank you...not just for these. But, for...” I tilted my head.
He knew what I was referring to, his speech.
“What’s going on?” Jamie’s voice interrupted our ‘moment’.
“Nothing son, I just wanted to give you and Rhianne an extra gift. You can look at it later, let’s go open more presents!”
So apparently, behaving like a child when it came to presents, ran in the family.
Chapter Twenty-One
Letting Go
Looking around my old, but new, home, I felt a sense of peace wash over me that I hadn’t felt in a very long time – if ever.