by TJ Thomas
“Let’s take the truck so we have plenty of room for whatever we pick up,” Cam said.
The blonde’s truck? Is she still at your place, sleeping in your bed? Dawn responded without looking at Cam, her jaw tight. “Okay.”
Cam glanced sideways at Dawn trying to gauge her mood. Something seemed off this morning, but that was status quo for her and Dawn. Having never spent time with Dawn this early, Cam couldn’t decide if she was grumpy or just not a morning person. Dawn was quiet while she climbed into the cab and Cam backed out of the driveway. Cam contemplated turning on the radio and decided against it. She drove for a while in silence wondering if Dawn would say what was on her mind. When she didn’t, Cam spoke. She wanted to confront any issue head-on. “Dawn, are you okay? I could guess why you’re upset, but I would rather you tell me.”
“You really want to talk about this right now?”
“I do. Why are you so upset?”
“Well, for starters, you kissed me.”
Before responding Cam pulled the truck into the parking lot of the nursery and parked in the first spot she found at the rear of the lot. She turned so she could fully face Dawn.
“I did and you kissed me back.”
Confusion flashed in Dawn’s eyes. She released her seat belt. “I know that and I take full responsibility for my part, but I’m not involved with someone else. I’m not the one who is cheating on my girlfriend.” Dawn pushed the door open and hopped out before Cam could process what she said.
Cam tried to figure out what Dawn was talking about. She had never seen Dawn so angry. Eventually, she got out of the truck and headed into the nursery to find Dawn. She spotted her amidst the sea of red annuals. Dawn was surrounded by pots of flowers and was obviously in her element. She is so beautiful. Even with Dawn incoherent this morning, she was striking.
Cam didn’t hide her approach. She didn’t want to sneak up on Dawn as she browsed the selection. “Dawn?”
Dawn glanced at Cam warily. “What?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not involved with anyone and haven’t been for a long time. I do not have a girlfriend.”
Dawn shook her head, defeated. “At least have the decency not to lie to me. I saw you two together last month.”
“I have absolutely no idea who you’re talking about.”
“Oh, come on, Cam. The day after you moved in a beautiful blonde was over at your house. You walked to the truck arm in arm, the same truck we came here in today.” Dawn turned away.
Cam stopped her. “Whoa! Dawn, you’re confused. It’s not what you think it is.”
Dawn frowned. “It never is.”
Cam shook her head. “I feel like I’m being blamed for someone else’s sins. At least let me explain.”
“What’s the point? You don’t owe me an explanation.”
Cam saw that Dawn’s eyes were no longer full of anger. She was hurt. The same hurt Cam had seen come and go over the last couple of weeks was out of the shadows. She saw the pain Dawn translated to the canvas in her eyes. Anguish. She realized this went much deeper than her. “Dawn.” Cam stopped. She couldn’t ask for more than Dawn was ready to give. “I’m telling you the truth. It’s up to you whether you believe me or not. Cindy, that’s her name, the woman you saw me with last month. Cindy is a friend. She has never been anything more than a great friend. She’s more of a big sister really. I went to live with her when I was in high school because I wanted to stay here to finish school while my parents lived out of the country. I don’t know what you think you saw, but when Cindy and I were walking to the truck she was telling me how proud she was of me for getting the house and some other changes I made in my life recently. I’ve known Cindy longer than I’ve known Kate and June. She’s been there for me through some hard times. She and her wife, Lynn, watched my dogs while I moved in.
“Cindy and Lynn had the truck, my truck, in case either of them needed to take the boys somewhere. I didn’t need it while I was moving, and it was easier to have it out of the way. Cindy brought the truck over so she could get the tour of the house. Then I took her back to her place and picked up my dogs. When the boys and I got home, I parked the truck in the garage because I only use it when I’m doing something that won’t work on the bike. I love Cindy, but she and I have never been and will never be ‘involved.’”
Dawn made eye contact with Cam and whispered, “I’m sorry.” Then she dropped her gaze and felt the petals on the flowers in front of her.
Cam studied the top of Dawn’s head. The smart thing to do would probably be to walk away and let Dawn regain her composure. But this was the closest she had come to figuring out what happened to Dawn. She had to ask the questions that had been rolling around in her head for weeks. “Dawn, what happened? Who hurt you?”
She kept her head lowered and shook her head slightly. “It doesn’t matter. It was a long time ago.”
Cam was frustrated by Dawn’s response, but she also recognized the defeat she heard. If she pushed she could probably get the answers she sought, but she’d also lose the trust she sought to build with Dawn. Suddenly, the middle of the nursery didn’t feel like a good place for a heartfelt talk. She relented. “Okay, for now.”
The relief was evident on Dawn’s face. “So, let me show you some ideas I have for your yard.”
As they moved in and out of the rows of tables with various plants, Dawn’s mood transformed while she discussed the needs of different plants and where each might thrive in Cam’s yard. The angst and vulnerability she had fluctuated between all morning had dissipated. Among the plants, Dawn seemed rejuvenated. It was almost as though the argument never happened. Cam lost herself in Dawn’s passion. Her porcelain cheeks flushed with pleasure as she talked about the possibilities: annuals, perennials, evergreens, shrubs, and even statuary. “So, what do you think?” Dawn laughed in delight at Cam’s overwhelmed bafflement. “Sorry, I get a little carried away when I talk about gardening.”
Cam recovered quickly. “I think I have an idea.” She turned and disappeared down the adjoining aisle then returned pushing a flat cart. “I think the best thing to do is for you decide what will look best. I leave myself in your very capable hands,” she said, making a show of bowing to Dawn.
Dawn searched Cam’s face looking for hidden meaning before responding. Satisfied with what she saw, or didn’t see, Dawn rubbed her hands together in excitement. “This is exhilarating.” She giggled and started loading the cart carefully, placing plants in groupings.
“I guess it’s a good thing we brought my truck.”
After Cam paid, one of the nursery staff helped them load everything into the truck.
Dawn climbed in and Cam started the engine. “There’s just one more place we need to stop. I thought we could get you a new power supply, so we can get the computer in your studio back up and running.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“A deal’s a deal. Besides, I do what I say I’m going to do, and I always finish what I start.”
Dawn could not think of an adequate response and felt the lameness of her reply. “Okay.” She had never been in a store dedicated to computers and their components. She had no idea where to begin. Luckily, Cam seemed to know exactly where to go.
Cam quickly found the aisle they needed and took out the piece of paper she carried in her pocket with the information she needed to get the right model power supply. Cam apparently found the proper package and turned to Dawn. “This is what you need.”
“If you say so.”
*****
The drive home was quiet. As Cam pulled into the driveway, she broke the silence. “If you can help me unload all this stuff quickly, then I can hook up the new power supply so you can get back to work.”
“Sounds like a deal,” Dawn said.
They worked silently unloading the supplies from the truck into the backyard, Dawn pointing to various spots to indicate where the bigger items should be placed. Then
they walked to Dawn’s front door.
Dawn let them into the house and turned. She felt foolish. Cam’s explanation at the nursery made perfect sense. Her own insecurities concocted the whole relationship between Cam and Cindy. It was safer for her to think Cam was unavailable. It wasn’t fair to Cam to be mad at her for something she obviously wasn’t guilty of, but she wasn’t sure how to make things right.
“Listen, Cam, I owe you an apology. I jumped to conclusions. I doubted you for reasons that had nothing to do with you. I’m sorry.”
“So make it up to me. Let me make you dinner.”
“You’ve made me dinner before.”
“No. We’ve had dinner, but June and Kate were there. As much as I love them, I am hoping you and I can have dinner alone.”
“That sounds like a date.” Dawn made a statement, but it was a question too.
“It was meant to.”
“I can’t do that, Cam. I’m not available.”
“You said you weren’t seeing anyone.”
“I’m not.”
“Then I don’t understand. Why can’t we have dinner?”
“I’m not interested in dating women,” Dawn said resolutely.
Cam laughed humorlessly. “You could have fooled me by your reaction to the kiss yesterday.”
“That’s chemistry and we certainly have that, but I don’t date anymore.”
Cam moved closer to her and Dawn barely resisted the urge to back away. “What? Why? What happened?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Cam gently put a hand on Dawn’s elbow. “I care that you’re hurting.”
Dawn carefully removed Cam’s hand and backed up, creating distance between them. Then she shook her head. “That’s history, Cam. It’s in the past.”
“No, it’s not. You might like to think it’s history, but it’s affecting your present. That makes it a current issue. If you don’t want to go on a date with me, fine, I can accept that, but at least be honest about the reasons.” Cam turned and headed for the studio.
Dawn felt the frustration radiating off Cam. Even though she had never seen this side of her, she wasn’t frightened. She didn’t know if it was best to keep her distance, try to placate, or something else. She opted for staying out of her way. It might have been cowardly, but since Dawn couldn’t give Cam what she wanted, it felt like the safest option.
After Cam finished replacing the power supply and returned the respective hard drives to the proper computers, she headed for the door.
Dawn stopped her by laying her hand on her arm. “Cam, wait.”
Cam turned back to Dawn. “Why?”
Dawn saw more than frustration on Cam’s face. She saw hurt.
The hurt threw her. “I just wanted to say…thank you.”
Cam nodded curtly. “You’re welcome.” She turned and left.
Dawn stared at the door. What just happened?
*****
As Cam closed Dawn’s door behind her, she saw June pulling up next door. She raised her hand in greeting and walked over.
“Hey, what are you up to?” June said playfully, suggestively even, but frowned as she got close enough to see Cam’s face. “Uh-oh, what happened?”
“Nothing,” Cam answered shortly. She struggled to get her emotions under control. “I need coffee. Want some?”
“Do you even have to ask?”
June plopped down onto one of the bar stools at the island and Cam filled the mugs. Cam doctored June’s coffee the way she liked it and slid the cup across the counter to her. Cam leaned back against the counter and took a sip of her own black coffee.
“Cam?”
June’s voice pulled Cam back from her own distracted thoughts. “Hmm…”
“Are you okay?”
Cam smirked. She couldn’t help it. There wasn’t a question for June that something was wrong. She knew Cam too well to not know when something upset her. It felt good to have friends who knew her so well. June didn’t need to dance around her feelings because the two of them had been through so much together. She also knew June would wait however long it took for her to be ready to talk about whatever troubled her.
“I kissed Dawn.”
“Just now?”
“No. Last night.”
“And you’re just leaving her house this morning?” June’s mouth quirked up with the thought.
“No,” Cam said with resignation. “Let me start from the beginning.”
“Okay.”
“Dawn came over last night in a panic because her computer died while she was finishing an important file she’d been working on for weeks. I agreed to take a look to see if there was anything I could do.”
“Sure.”
“Dawn was so excited when I found a work-around that she hugged me.”
“You sound surprised. She’s hugged you before,” June said as if trying to figure out a puzzle.
Cam frowned. “No, June, she hasn’t. She hugs you and Kate every time she sees you. But she has never touched me in any way other than a handshake or high five, and even that is a rare occurrence.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Think about it. When have you ever seen Dawn come within three feet of me?”
June opened her mouth to respond but stopped.
“Exactly.”
“She thanked me again and asked how she could pay me back. So I asked her to help me with my yard. You know, put some color in it, and help me plan things. You would think I just gave her the best present ever. She was so excited. I have never seen her show that kind of emotion.”
“So was that when you kissed her?”
“No. I told her to send her email and I went into the studio to clean up the computer mess I’d left in there. While she worked, I started looking at her paintings. I was completely engrossed in her work and I have no idea how long it was before Dawn came and found me.”
“I can only imagine. She’s incredibly talented. There’s a lot going on there, and it’s all on the canvases.”
“Yeah, she’s amazing. Anyway, I’m looking at this incredible painting full of emotion and intensity, and it feels like I’m looking into her soul. When she came in, I swear there was this moment, just a moment, when I thought she would let me in. That she would open a door in that wall she has so dutifully built.”
“What happened?” June asked softly.
“I couldn’t let the moment pass. I kissed her. It was intense and amazing. But then the dogs were barking so loud, I had to check on them. Then this morning, I picked her up because we made plans to go to the nursery. She was standoffish and quiet at first, but she finally told me what was bothering her. Turns out she had seen Cindy and me together last month and thought we were together. So she accused me of cheating on Cindy by kissing her.”
“But that’s not what’s wrong.”
“No. I wish she would have asked me about it, but I can understand her anger given what she thought the situation was. Once I explained, Dawn apologized, but when I asked her about her reasons for jumping to that conclusion, she shut me out again. I let it go. The middle of the nursery didn’t seem like the place to dig into all that. We managed to finish up at the nursery and get the part for her computer without further incident. When we got back she apologized again. I told her she could make it up to me by letting me cook her dinner. Things didn’t go so well. She turned me down cold. When I asked why, she told me she doesn’t date, like at all. I asked her to explain that and she shut down.”
“It’s not her turning down the date that upset you. It’s that she won’t tell you what happened.”
“I don’t get it. Most women, when you show genuine interest in what’s bothering them, will open up. I don’t know why she doesn’t trust me.”
“Cam,” June started softly, “Dawn is not ‘most women,’ you know that. Why should she trust you? How would she know she can?” Cam started to defend her honor. “Hold on. I know she can. You know and so do your friends. Even
the women you’ve dated would tell her so, but how does Dawn know it? From everything you’ve said, it sounds like Dawn was hurt badly. I feel awful for not seeing it myself. Maybe it scares her that you see it. Obviously, it’s not something she feels comfortable sharing, and the fact that you see it probably unsettles her. Trusting you might mean letting out painful, even buried memories.
“Look, Cam, when I got here today you were upset, but when I asked you what was wrong you said ‘nothing.’ I didn’t press because I knew you would tell me when you were ready. That’s how it has always been with us. You don’t talk about something until you’re ready, and nobody can change that.”
“Yeah.”
“So, maybe that’s what is happening with Dawn. Maybe she’s not ready. Maybe she needs to see you as a friend, as trustworthy, before anything else. Or maybe she just doesn’t like you. I don’t think that’s it. I have seen the way she watches you when she thinks nobody’s looking. Obviously, there’s something about you that she’s wary of given her responses so far. But it might not have anything to do with you. She knows you can see something she spends a lot of time and energy trying to hide. Can you think for a moment how that would make you feel?”
“I guess if someone was able to see beyond my defenses, I would feel…vulnerable. That’s the only word I can come up with.”
“Yeah, me too, maybe if you give her some time she’ll come around. Try not to take it personally. I know how hard that might be for you, but remember how hard it must be for her. Maybe that will help.”
Cam nodded, trying to process the conversation. “Thanks for the ear. I mean it. Thanks for listening and helping me see this from another perspective.”
“Any time. Speaking of time, I’m supposed to go over to Dawn’s in fifteen minutes to talk about the picture for Kate. Do you want me to cancel?”
“Of course not. Whatever is between Dawn and me shouldn’t interfere with what you two have going on.” Cam had no doubt that her conversation with June would remain between them. June would never share her confidences with anyone other than Kate, which she was fine with.