by TJ Thomas
“Okay,” Robin said. She and Ali walked off together.
Dawn touched base with Ann to see if she’d missed anything important while she’d been otherwise occupied. Then she wandered through chatting with each person who stopped her. During a brief pause between conversations, Cam appeared at her side and held out a glass of wine. “I thought you could use a drink.”
“You’re a lifesaver. Thank you.”
“Any time.” Dawn couldn’t help but wonder if Cam was talking about the wine or the events from earlier. She decided it didn’t matter. Cam had saved her in both instances.
Chapter Nine
Dawn gripped the shovel and dug a hole in the spot she’d selected for the new rose bush Cam brought her. Then she scooped in compost and manure from the wheelbarrow beside her to amend the soil. She was very aware Cam was in the yard next door. It sounded like she was playing with the dogs, making good use of the clear area she’d left open in her backyard. Dawn tried to block out the noises coming from Cam’s yard, but the sound of Cam’s sensuous voice floating over the fence touched a place deep inside her. Moments later, Dawn jumped when the voice was much closer.
“Dawn? Are you out here?” Cam stood at the gate.
Dawn took a second to settle and steady her nerves. “Yeah, come on in.” She leaned the shovel against the wheelbarrow and took off her gloves to push a stray strand of hair off her forehead.
Cam swung open the gate. “Good morning. Did Ali get off okay?”
“Yeah, I dropped her at the airport an hour ago.”
“I’m glad I got to meet her. She’s great.”
“She said almost exactly the same thing about you.”
Cam moved closer. “How are you doing this morning?”
Dawn shrugged. “I’m fine. The show was great, but I always hate saying good-bye to Ali.”
Cam moved closer. “I would imagine, but I meant how are you doing after seeing Lori?”
“Oh, I’m okay.”
Cam gently touched Dawn’s arm. “No, you’re not. But if you’re not ready to talk about it, I’m not going to make you. I just wanted to check on you and let you know I’m here when you’re ready.”
The moment Cam touched Dawn, the look in her eyes changed from grief and anguish to something Cam didn’t immediately recognize, but settled on fear. Dawn broke the contact, but Cam didn’t miss the change in Dawn’s eyes.
Cam took a step back, giving Dawn room. “What’s wrong?”
Instead of answering, Dawn asked, “How do you do that?”
“How do I do what?”
“It’s like you can see inside me.”
“Why does that bother you?”
“Cam, you seeing in me what others don’t, doesn’t bother me. It makes me feel…special.”
“Then why do I see fear in your eyes every time we get close?”
Dawn looked away.
Cam moved to her. She tipped Dawn’s chin up to look into her eyes again. “Don’t do that, Dawn. Please don’t shut me out. Why are you afraid?”
“Cam,” she whispered. Cam could sense there was more so she remained silent. “Cam,” this time her voice was stronger. “I feel too much with you.”
“I don’t understand why that’s a bad thing.”
“Because I don’t want to feel anything at all.”
Without a word, Cam put her mouth to Dawn’s. There wasn’t even a moment of resistance from Dawn. She pressed her mouth to Cam’s, and as Cam slipped her tongue between Dawn’s lips she heard a small whimper of surrender. She deepened the kiss and reveled in Dawn’s responsiveness. When she raised her head, Dawn’s eyes were clouded with lust and the fear was gone. “Dawn, it’s a little late for that.”
Cam needed another taste. She bent to recapture Dawn’s mouth. When Dawn didn’t resist, Cam traced Dawn’s lips with her tongue, then nipped gently. Dawn moaned and her lips parted. Cam’s took the opening and pushed inside. Her body was on fire. There were too many clothes between them. She slid her hand down Dawn’s side and worked her hand under the hem of her shirt so she could touch her soft, silky skin.
A crashing noise right next to them pulled her out of the moment. She quickly figured out that the shovel had slid off the wheelbarrow causing the disturbance. Cam glanced at her watch. She looked at Dawn and sighed. “I wish I could stay and continue this, because that was an amazing kiss. Unfortunately, I have to go. I need to drop the pups off at Cindy and Lynn’s and then head for the airport. I hope you have a great week. I’ll see you on Friday. Don’t miss me too much.”
*****
Dawn studied her phone, torn between answering it and letting it go to voice mail. When Cam called the first night, Dawn admitted it was good to hear from her. She had called to let Dawn know she had arrived safely and the call only lasted a few minutes, but Dawn thought about Cam the rest of the night. When Cam called the next evening, Dawn welcomed the call. By the third evening, Dawn admitted to herself she missed Cam and wanted to see her. Now, on this the fourth evening, Dawn was scared to answer the phone. Afraid she was letting Cam in too far and she wouldn’t be able to go back to the way things had been when Cam returned from her trip. Dawn reached for the phone; her desire to hear Cam’s voice won out over her fears of letting someone get too close. “Hello.”
“Hi,” Cam said, sounding surprised. “I thought I was going to get your voice mail.”
“Well, lucky you. I got to the phone just in time.”
“That is lucky for me.”
Dawn shook her head and smiled. She couldn’t help it. Cam made her feel special even from thousands of miles away. Dawn struggled with whether she should ask Cam something she’d been wondering about. “Cam, why do you keep calling?”
“Because I miss you. At the end of my day, I want to hear your voice. I want to find out how your day went and I want to share mine with you.
Dawn had no idea how to respond to Cam’s open confession, so she said nothing.
Before the silence became awkward Cam spoke again, “So, how was your day? Did you do anything exciting?”
Dawn settled into the comfortable conversation. It was so easy talking to Cam when two thousand miles separated them. “It was good. I started a new painting and I’m excited about it.”
“That’s great. Will you tell me about it?” Cam relaxed on the bed in her hotel room. She kicked her shoes off and leaned back against the pillows propped against the headboard. She settled in to thoroughly enjoy the best part of her day. She listened as Dawn talked about her new piece. She was so passionate about her art, Cam loved listening to her.
When Dawn mentioned she liked music from the fifties and sixties, it reminded Cam about Kate’s class. “Have I told you that Kate is going to be teaching a swing class?”
“No. I’ve always wanted to learn. That would be so much fun.”
“You should definitely check it out.”
“I’ll think about it for sure.”
“Good. What does tomorrow hold for you?”
“I have dinner plans with June and Kate.”
“Oh, that should be fun for all of you. Wish I could be there.”
“I’m sure your name will come up.”
It felt good for Dawn to be at ease enough to joke with her. After chatting for a few more minutes, Cam heard Dawn yawn. She checked the time.
“Goodness, I had no idea how late it was. I’m going to let you go. Sweet dreams, Dawn.”
“Good night, Cam.”
“Thank you for picking up the phone.”
“Thank you for calling. It was nice to talk to you.”
Cam hung up the phone and thought about Dawn. One of those thoughts sparked her to pick her phone back up and text her friend, Jo Adams. She didn’t want to call her so late if she’d already gone to bed. When she got a nearly instantaneous response, she called.
“Hey, everything okay?” Jo asked right away.
“Everything’s fine. Sorry to bother you so late.”
&nb
sp; “No problem. Rhonda and I were just finishing a movie.”
“How is Rhonda?”
“She’s fine. We both are. Now, what’s going on?”
“I have some questions I think you might be able to help me with.”
“Okay. What’s that?”
“My new neighbor, Dawn, has been hanging out with June, Kate, and me. She seems really comfortable with them and not so much with me. Something happened recently that made me want to ask how you got over what your dad did to you?”
“You mean how he pushed me around for years and occasionally beat the crap out of me?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, it’s hard to say anyone gets over it. I got through it and moved on, but I’ll never really understand how someone can do that to another person.”
“How did you get through it?”
“It took a while. You’ve got to understand, abuse of any kind messes with you. You question everything. What did I do wrong? Will I ever be good enough? Your self-esteem takes a hit. It’s all part of the abuser’s need to make you doubt yourself, to make you feel like you have no place else to turn.”
“I’m sorry to bring all this up for you. I just didn’t know who else to ask these kinds of questions.”
“It’s not a problem. It’s a part of my past, but I did get through it. I’m glad my mom got me out of there when she did and she got herself out of the situation soon after. I’m grateful for that. Plus I had some great people around me to turn to when I needed to talk. That helped tremendously. So tell me a little more about Dawn and why you think she was in a similar situation?”
Cam summarized her interactions with Dawn and brought Jo up to speed on what happened at the art show. “I think Lori may be the reason Dawn doesn’t want anything to do with romantic relationships.”
“Sounds plausible.”
“So, how do I get her to trust me?”
“You start with time and space. Don’t pressure her. I know that’s not your style, but it bears stating. If she’s been hurt by someone, whether it was verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, and she managed to leave that situation, she’s likely to be extremely wary of ever putting herself in that position again. It’s different for everyone, so I can’t give you some magic formula.”
“That makes sense.”
“Only Dawn can really say what might work for her. But if you can’t ask her, I’d say your best bet is to back off and give her some space. That doesn’t mean you can’t be her friend. But lay off any romantic pursuits for now.”
“For how long?”
“How important is she to you?”
“Very.”
“As long as it takes.”
*****
“I’m glad we were finally able to do this,” Dawn said.
Kate responded for herself and June. “Us too. We’re enjoying getting to know you.”
“Likewise. So since you suggested Uptown, I’m guessing you’ve eaten here before. Do you have any recommendations?”
“Everything,” June said.
A few minutes later, the waiter came and everyone made their selections, including three Cali Creamer beers from the local Mother Earth Brewery. With the lull in conversation, Dawn took the opportunity to say, “Cam said to tell you both hi.”
“Oh, so you’ve talked to Cam while she’s been away?” Kate asked.
Dawn blushed. She hadn’t missed the significant look that passed between them. “Yeah, we’ve talked for a little while each night this week.”
“That sounds serious.”
“No, it’s nothing like that. We’re just getting to know one another better. Just like the three of us.”
Neither Kate nor June said anything, but they shared a look that made Dawn start wondering. Maybe her relationship with Cam was different from what it was with June and Kate. She laughed at herself when she thought about the kisses she and Cam had shared. That was definitely different.
“So, Dawn, did I tell you I’m teaching a swing class that starts next week?” Kate asked.
“No, you hadn’t, but I think Cam mentioned the class. It sounds like fun.”
“You should join us. It’s women, of all orientations, and I think it will be a great class. At least I’m going to try hard to make sure it is. What do you say, will you come?”
“I’ve always wanted to learn swing. I’m definitely thinking about it.”
“Great.”
Chapter Ten
Friday evening when Cam’s plane landed, she couldn’t wait to see Dawn and went directly to her house after picking up her dogs. Dawn pulled open her front door smiling. “Well, hi there, stranger.”
Cam was momentarily speechless. The sight of Dawn left her breathless, and she was taken aback at her reaction. Relax, pull it together. You can’t say what you came to say if you’re drooling. “Hi, do you have a minute? There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
When Cam saw Dawn’s slight hesitation she was confident she’d made the right decision, so she proceeded with more sureness. “It should only take a minute.”
Dawn shrugged. “Okay, sure, come on in.”
Cam could see the trepidation in Dawn’s eyes when she tried to move closer. She stopped herself and shoved her hands in her pockets. This was why she needed to do this. “So, while I was out of town I did a lot of thinking.”
“Okay,” Dawn responded neutrally.
“I realize you don’t trust me. You have no reason to—yet. Trust is essential to me, to trust but also to be trusted. So, until you do, until you can confide in me and know I will keep your confidences, I’m going to stop asking you out. I’m going to stop flirting. I feel like I have some pieces of the Dawn puzzle, but I don’t know your story. I want to understand you and your past. I can’t force you to trust me. That’s something you have to decide to do. You have to believe you can share your story with me, but more than that, your hopes and dream too.”
“And if that never happens?”
Cam frowned at the possibility. “I think it would be a mistake for both of us. But it’s not up to me. You have to make that decision. I have to live with whatever you decide.”
Dawn looked Cam directly in the eyes. “Cam, for the record, I do trust you.”
Cam shook her head. “I don’t think so. At any rate, not enough, not nearly enough. I hope you will one day, but we aren’t there.”
Dawn sensed something else between them. “Is that the only reason?”
“No. I enjoyed chatting with you over the phone this week, and I wondered if it was easier for you because I was so far away. It felt like you were freer. I liked getting to know you better.”
Dawn almost nodded. How could you tell that over the phone?
“I want to know you better, and it’s clear you’re more comfortable with friendship. So, that’s what I want. I want to be your friend. For now, that’s all I want. I hope we can be friends because I very much enjoy your company.”
“I like hanging out with you too.”
“Okay then. I’m glad that’s settled. I should get back to unpacking.”
“Okay. See you around.”
“Yes, you will.”
Cam let herself out and Dawn watched her walk across her yard. Her temporary moment of relief was replaced by an overwhelming sense of loss. She was confused by her own emotions, but she didn’t want to explore them too deeply.
*****
The next day, Dawn called her sister at their usual time for a video chat. After the normal pleasantries, Ali asked about Cam. Dawn filled her in on Cam’s declaration.
“Are you actually okay with that?” Ali asked.
Dawn shrugged. “Sure, why wouldn’t I be? I didn’t want anything more than that.”
“Consciously, you may have told yourself that, but it seems to me it is already past that with you and Cam. Are you forgetting I saw the way you look at her?”
“Well, it doesn’t matter. I’m happy about it.”
“W
ho are you trying to convince? Why can’t you let yourself be open to the possibility of dating? It’s obvious that’s where she would like to see things go and you like her.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yeah, it is. It is exactly that simple. You let a couple of bad experiences decide the rest of your life. You’re so stubborn sometimes it makes me crazy. I know Lori hurt you, but you survived and you deserve to live a full life.”
“I will not let what happened with Lori ever happen again.”
“Cam isn’t Lori.”
“I know that.”
“Do you?”
Dawn glared at her through the screen. “Yes, but it doesn’t change anything for me. I won’t put myself in that position again.”
“Put yourself in that position? I thought you said you weren’t responsible.”
“I am only responsible for me, and this is something I can control.”
“So, what, you’re never going to trust anyone again? Never allow yourself to love anybody again?”
“I don’t think I can. I’m not sure I have it in me. I can’t take the risk. I don’t want to.”
“You don’t give yourself enough credit. And I don’t think you’re giving Cam the credit she deserves either. Not all women are like Lori.”
“It may not be fair, but it’s what I have to do, to protect myself.” Dawn spoke firmly, but her resolve had started to soften when she thought about Cam.
“To hide you mean. To hide behind your work and your gardens, to avoid relationships so no one can ever hurt you. The night of your art show you said you weren’t going to let Lori stop you from living your life, but it seems to me that’s exactly what you’ve done.”
It stung, hearing those words from her closest ally. But what hurt more was Dawn couldn’t deny that Ali was exactly right. She was hiding, afraid to face the world and the possibility of getting hurt again. She needed to live her life on her terms. She did that with her business and her painting. It was time for her to take back control of the rest of her life. Maybe it was time to truly put the past where it belonged and open up to the possibility of having someone in her life again one day.