“Honor. Don’t feel bad. Sometimes it’s just nature’s way. You’ve been incredible. You’ve got such a nurturing instinct with animals and with people. You’ll make a great mother one day.”
Honor looked up at him with tears swimming in her eyes. She held up her hand. “Please don’t say that,” she said, her voice quivering.
Goose bumps raised up on the back of his neck. There was something going on with Honor that surpassed her worry about the calf. Clearly, his comment about motherhood had struck a nerve. He needed to know what was going on with her. Had he done something?
“What is it?” he asked. “What did I say to upset you like this?” A sudden tension hummed and pulsed in the air between them.
“I was a mother, Joshua,” she said, swiping away tears with her fingers. “For a brief moment in time I was pregnant with a child. Our child!”
* * *
“I suffered a miscarriage.” Finally, after all these years it felt good to say the words out loud. She had been carrying this secret for such a long time.
Joshua’s jaw went slack. He let out an agonized sound. “Honor. When did it happen? You never said a word.”
“It was shortly after I arrived at college. I was under a lot of stress and I hadn’t told anyone about the pregnancy. By that time, I had no idea where you were or what you were doing. When I lost the baby, I figured it no longer mattered.”
Tears pooled in his eyes. “I’m so sorry. I wish I’d known. I’m so sorry you had to go through that type of pain. It guts me to know you had to go through all of it alone.”
She winced as painful memories swept over her. Honor hadn’t told a single person about the pregnancy or subsequent miscarriage. “And I was all alone to deal with it. I didn’t have a single person to confide in or to cry on their shoulder.”
“I wish I could’ve helped you through it,” Joshua said. She could hear the agony laced in his voice. “We could have mourned the loss together.”
Why hadn’t she confided in Paige or Ruby or Hazel about her pregnancy? She had felt such shame. As an unmarried woman, Honor had felt ashamed about conceiving a child. She and Joshua had both been struggling a bit with their faith at the time of conception. Neither had lived up to the values of their faith by having sex without the benefit of marriage. Although it had been a mistake to do so, Honor had dearly loved her baby. She had been committed to raising the child with love and faith. It had all been ripped away from her in the most devastating way.
“Honor, please. Let me hold you,” Joshua begged. “I don’t want you to carry the weight of this on your shoulders. I can carry the burden from now on.” Tears were streaming down his face. She could see how much pain he was in. It mirrored her own emotions.
Joshua reached for her and pulled her into his arms. She felt almost weightless. For so long she had been holding this secret close to the vest. Finally, she was able to share it with the person who should have known from the beginning. Her baby’s father. Joshua’s strong arms held her tightly. She relaxed against him, giving in to the need to be comforted.
All of a sudden, Theo was standing at the stall entrance, his expression somber as he looked back and forth between them. She pulled away from Joshua.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were here, Honor,” Theo said, his eyes widening as he looked back and forth between them. With her tearstained face, Honor knew she must look like a mess.
She ducked her head down, feeling embarrassed that Theo had seen her in such an emotional state.
“I’m sorry you’re upset, Honor. I guess you heard the news?” Theo asked, looking at Honor with sympathy radiating from his eyes.
* * *
“Theo!” Joshua said in a sharp voice. “It’s really not a good time.”
“What news?” Honor swung her gaze back and forth between the brothers.
Theo’s eyes widened. “She doesn’t know?”
“I’ll tell her in my own time!” Joshua said, furious that Theo had barged in and practically blurted out the information about the injunction.
“I’m sorry. I never meant to butt in,” Theo said, quickly retreating and leaving the room.
As soon as he left the room, Honor took a step away from Joshua. She looked at him with suspicion radiating from the depths of her eyes. “What’s going on? Theo isn’t very subtle. What was he getting at?”
There was no point in hiding it any longer. Honor would find out before the day was done. “The judge rescinded the injunction. As of this afternoon, we’re free to sell the Diamond R to whomever we choose.”
A shell-shocked expression crept over her face. “I—I can’t believe it,” she said, stammering. “I was so sure we were on the right side of things.”
“I’m sorry,” Joshua said. “I know how disappointed you must be.”
Her expression was one of utter disbelief. Joshua felt a pang in his heart. She was clearly crushed. It killed him to see her like this. This felt like anything but a victory.
Dear Lord. Please help me find the right words to buoy her spirits. I never wanted her to feel deflated or to feel defeated. It hurts to see her so incredibly wounded. Honor is tough, but at this moment she looks as if she’s ready to shatter. Please let me be the one to help her pick up the pieces.
She bowed her head and didn’t meet his gaze. Honor raised her hand to her temple. “I really need to go home. I’ll write up some instructions for the calf and send them over. I’m not feeling so great.” She turned away from him and reached for her bag.
“Honor, please don’t leave. Let’s talk this out.”
Honor turned and faced him. Her cheeks were red and her eyes were rimmed with moisture. She looked away from him.
“Let’s face it. There’s nothing really to discuss. You won. You can now sell Bud’s ranch and head back to Seattle with the proceeds. You should be rejoicing. Isn’t this what you wanted?”
His mouth felt dry. The truth was he had wanted the injunction to be lifted, but not at the expense of Honor. Not if it meant he would be moving back to Seattle, never to lay eyes on Honor again. Not if it signified the end of them. At the moment, he wasn’t certain what he wanted.
“I never wanted us to be at odds with each other. Surely you know that.”
She shook her head. “I don’t know anything anymore. Everything has turned upside down. I really don’t believe this is what your grandfather wanted. And that breaks my heart.”
“This is a terrible situation. It doesn’t feel right to be on opposing sides.”
She frowned. “What does it matter? You’re going to leave, aren’t you? Please don’t think I’m foolish enough to think you’re going to stick around Love, especially since you have a buyer lined up to purchase the property.” Her voice had now gone up a few pitches. She clenched her jaw. Storm clouds were brewing in her eyes.
“Honor, my life is in Seattle. It’s the only home Violet has ever known. I don’t have much of a choice.”
She bit her lip. “I understand. But, considering everything, I think it’s best you find someone else to check up on the animals from now on. I can’t bear to come back here knowing what’s going to happen to the Diamond R.”
“Please don’t say that.” It felt like Honor was slipping out his life yet again. He couldn’t explain why, but it left him feeling completely bereft.
“Why not? It’s the truth!” she snapped.
She zipped up her coat, then jammed her hat back on her head.
Joshua reached out and gently grasped her by the arm. She shook him off and backed away from him.
Her mouth was a hard, thin line. “I’m sorry, Joshua. There’s really nothing left to be said.”
* * *
Joshua felt numb as he watched Honor run toward her car as if her feet were on fire. She couldn’t get away from him fast enough. And given what she had
just found out about the injunction being lifted, he couldn’t say he blamed her.
He was still reeling about Honor’s miscarriage. She had been forced to deal with the pregnancy and the monumental loss of their child all by herself. So many things were weighing heavily on him at the moment. Anger and frustration rose up inside him.
He stormed into the house, eager to confront his brother. Theo had somehow managed to make a bad situation worse. And he couldn’t help but wonder if his brother had done it on purpose to put an even deeper wedge between him and Honor. Theo was sitting in the study at Bud’s desk, riffling through a stack of papers.
“Thanks for making a mess of things,” Joshua said in a raised voice.
Theo twisted his mouth. “It wasn’t on purpose, Joshua. Take it easy. She was going to find out sooner or later.”
“Why did you come barging in like that?” Joshua asked. “Did you honestly not know she was here? Her car was parked right outside the house. Surely you saw it.”
“I can’t believe you’re angry at me. We should be celebrating our legal victory and all you can think of is the precious Prescott princess.”
Joshua stepped toward his brother. They were standing eye to eye. He was bristling with rage. “Watch yourself, Theo. Don’t say a word against Honor. She’s innocent in all of this.”
Theo sneered. “Are you kidding me? Honor set this whole thing in motion by filing that injunction.” He let out a harsh sounding laugh. “What makes you think she’s the victim?”
“She didn’t do it to be malicious. Honor has principles she lives by, Theo. Her whole professional life revolves around wildlife and land preservation. It actually tears her apart to think about the desecration of Bud’s property. Is that something you’ve even thought about once?”
Theo wrinkled his nose. “What’s wrong with you? Are you changing your mind about selling the ranch?” he asked.
Joshua knit his brows together. “No. Yes. I don’t know,” he moaned. “Ever since we came back here, my head has been spinning. Half the time I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”
Theo’s expression softened. “Is this about Honor? Why is it that all roads lead back to her? You were kids when you got engaged. It was a lifetime ago. You need to let go of it already. Put it in your rearview mirror.”
“Don’t you think I’ve tried? I’ve spent six years trying to move past all the painful things that happened in this town. It wasn’t easy rebuilding my life, but I did it. For some reason, I still can’t move past Honor. And I know it’s crazy and pointless, because she can’t deal with the fact that we’re selling the ranch. She’ll hate me for it.” He bowed his head down. “I wish I’d come clean with her all those years ago about the fire. Things might be very different today if I had.”
Theo gazed at him with sad eyes. “I’m so sorry you’re in pain, Joshua. You deserve happiness more than anyone I’ve ever known.”
Joshua shrugged. Hadn’t he been a happy man before his return to Love? Maybe he should have just stayed put in Seattle and skipped all of the drama.
All of a sudden he felt defeated. Crushed. His conscience was eating at him. Honor’s words kept replaying in his mind, over and over again. They nagged at him relentlessly.
For what shall it profit a man if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul? If he moved forward and sold the Diamond R Ranch, Joshua feared he would regret it for the rest of his life.
Chapter Thirteen
Honor wasn’t sure how she made it back to the wildlife center in one piece. She had sobbed the entire drive from the Diamond R Ranch. It broke her heart to know that the Diamond R was going to be desecrated. The more she cried, the more she realized that she wasn’t simply upset over the injunction being lifted. Joshua was leaving Love. In all likelihood, she would never see him again. The sale of the Diamond R would permanently sever all of his ties to Love. And, by extension, to her.
It was now hitting her all at once. She hadn’t just been fighting the sale of the Diamond R. Honor had been unwilling to let go of Joshua. She had been fighting it tooth and nail.
What a fool she’d been to actually believe he might change his mind about the Diamond R. Her feelings for him had made an idiot of her once again. Joshua was going to sell the ranch for a large sum, then leave town so he could continue his life in Seattle. Just like the last time, Honor would be left behind to lick her wounds.
She shook her head, trying to make sense of the events of the past few weeks. Her prayers regarding the Diamond R Ranch had been all for naught. Everything was slipping through her fingers. She had failed Bud. Joshua would be leaving town again. And it hurt even more than the first time.
Lord, please help me. Give me the strength to deal with the pain of losing Joshua all over again. Grant me the grace to let go of him, once and for all.
The sound of someone knocking heavily on her door brought her out of her thoughts. She hoped Joshua hadn’t followed her back to the wildlife center. There really wasn’t anything else left to say. Everything was pretty cut-and-dried. As a result, she felt incredibly empty.
Honor moved toward her front door and wrenched it open. For a moment she thought it was Joshua standing at her doorstep. She quickly realized it was Theo. Although the resemblance between the brothers was startling, Honor had always seen a lot more kindness on Joshua’s face.
Seeing Theo standing on her doorstep was surprising. He had never been a member of the Honor Prescott fan club. Most of the time he’d looked straight through her like glass.
“I just need a few minutes if you can spare it,” Theo said, his expression intense.
“This isn’t a good time,” she told him.
What could Theo possibly have to say to her? Hadn’t he already crowed about the injunction being lifted? Had he come over to rub her nose in it?
“I really need to speak to you, Honor. This is very important.”
Honor sighed, exasperated. “All right, Theo, but please make it quick.” She ushered him inside toward the living room.
“Take a seat,” she said, waving him toward the sofa.
“I’d rather stand if it’s all right with you. I won’t be staying long,” Theo said. He took a deep breath. “My brother is a good man. One of his best qualities is his loyalty. If he makes a vow to do something he’ll uphold it, even when doing so causes him to lose everything.”
She shrugged. “Why are you telling me this?”
He clenched his jaw. “It was all my fault.”
Honor frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“The church fire. I started it by playing around with a lighter and a hymnal. I was young and selfish. I was heading back to the army and I knew my service would be negatively impacted if word got out that I started a fire that demolished a church.”
She let out a strangled sound. “So Joshua was innocent?”
Theo nodded. His expression was somber. “Joshua was with me, but he had nothing to do with the blaze that burned out of control. It all happened so quickly I was powerless to stop it. I was immature and reckless. Joshua stepped up and volunteered to take the blame once he was identified as the culprit. He could have pointed the finger at me, but he claimed responsibility for the fire. I know it sounds crazy, but he came up with the idea on his own.” Theo ran a hand over his face. “As the older brother I should have protected him by telling him it was out of the question. It was my job to watch out for him. But I felt desperate.”
“So you let him take the blame?” Honor asked. Although she still felt a little bit dazed by the news, it was slowly starting to sink in. Joshua had been innocent of the charges! And Theo had benefited immensely from Joshua’s sacrifice.
Theo bowed his head. “I did. Because of the close resemblance between us, Zachariah Cummings mistook me for Joshua. It wasn’t unusual for people to get us confused. So when Zachariah i
nitially reported it to law enforcement, it was Joshua’s name he put out there. Everything just spiraled out of control after that. Even though I wanted to take responsibility...I didn’t. I left town to return to the army.” Theo winced. “Joshua was left holding the bag.”
She felt an all-encompassing rage take hold of her. “How could you? You were the older brother. You should have protected him.”
“I know, Honor. And even though it’s six years too late, that’s why I’m here. It’s what I’m trying to do now. I reckon your future with Joshua was a casualty of that lie. Joshua would never rat me out by telling you what really happened, but I needed to right that wrong.”
“I respect your telling me the truth, but the past is behind us. I’m through with allowing it to have such a strong hold over me. What we had was a youthful romance.”
“Are you saying you don’t have any feelings for Joshua?” Theo pressed.
Honor raised a hand to massage her forehead. She had a raging headache. Everything was weighing heavily on her. “Does it matter? Too many things are standing between us. Not just the past, but the present as well.”
Theo rocked back on his booted feet. “But don’t you see, Honor? If he hadn’t taken the blame for my actions, the two of you might still be together.”
Honor could hear the agony in Theo’s voice. He must have been carrying this guilt around with him for years. Although she and Theo had never been on the same page about anything, Honor’s heart went out to him. It was impossible for Theo to go back in time and change the decisions he’d made in the past. Now he just had to find a way to live with it.
“I appreciate your coming here, Theo, but it doesn’t change anything. You’re still selling the ranch. Joshua still plans to head back to Seattle with Violet. There’s nothing I can do to change those things.” She wouldn’t even know how to go about doing so.
Her Alaskan Cowboy (Alaskan Grooms Book 7) Page 15