by J.D. Selmser
desperate MEASURES
J.D. Selmser
Ottawa, Ontario
Copyright © 2015 by J.D. Selmser.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed “Attention: Permissions Coordinator,” at the address below.
Find out more about the author and upcoming releases online at www.jdsemser.com.
Contact me at [email protected]
Publisher’s Note: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are a product of the author’s imagination. Locales and public names are sometimes used for atmospheric purposes. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or to businesses, companies, events, institutions, or locales is completely coincidental.
Book Layout ©2013 BookDesignTemplates.com
Cover design @2015 J.D. Selmser
Editing by S. Fournier & Julie R
ISBN 978-0-9948783-3-5
Contents
Chapter 01 – Forget about heaven
Chapter 02 – Dancing with death
Chapter 03 – Nail in the coffin
Chapter 04 – Seeing the light
Chapter 05 – Walking between the tombstones
Chapter 06 – Seeing the spark in the night
Chapter 07 - Where there is hope
Chapter 08 – Tears from heaven
Chapter 09 – Scars on my heart
Chapter 10 - Expectations & Disappointments
Chapter 11 – Second chances
Chapter 12 - A piece of your soul
Chapter 13 – Truth & Consequences
Chapter 14 – The longing
Chapter 15 – The heartache
Chapter 16 – After affect
Epilogue
A note from the author
About the author
Chapter One
Forget about heaven
This might come as a surprise to you, but you can take everything that you ever thought you knew about love, soulmates, even the afterlife and literally throw it out the window. What I am about to tell you will change your whole belief system. I mean, no matter what you believe, it's wrong. My name is Jason Wang and the day I died, everything changed and not in a good way. I died and found myself at somebody else's funeral. It wasn't even anybody I knew. I expected something completely different and I had good reason to. I am a nice, charming guy that everybody adores. So of course, I expected to go straight up the staircase beyond the gates and find a girl named Hazel waiting for me, full of smiles. I had good reason to think that it was the way it would work. She told me she would be waiting for me the first day we met three years ago.
Everybody has moments in their life that help shape how the world sees them. It's like a shining moment that defines not only who we are today, but how the world sees us every day afterwards. For me, it was a moment of weakness when I was thirteen years old that opened the world’s eyes and left me with an image that I could never live up to. Well, not in real life anyway. I wasn't really anything special back then. I was just another geeky Asian kid who loved to sing and dance with hopes of becoming the next great sensation.
My mother’s friend had a daughter who was dying of a brain tumour or something like that. It was inoperable. Which still amazes me considering that it appears as though modern science seems to be able to cure everything these days. Anyway, I was being forced to come to the hospital and wait because my mother wanted to show support for her friend in this time of need. I was left to entertain a dying stranger while my mother went off to share a coffee.
I was sitting there not knowing what I should do. I know that everybody says, “I am sorry about it.” and, “Is there anything I can do to help?” but, I never really understood it. It's not like it actually makes any real difference. I just met this girl after all. We weren't friends, family or anything that really mattered, so why say it? I don’t think it makes them feel better.
So, I was sitting there in this hospital room staring out the window at the clouds as they rolled by. The place smelled like bleach and even though they had coloured bears with rainbows and clouds on their tummies plastered on the walls, it didn't make the place any more cheerful. Of course, this was the first time I had ever seen a hospital room, but I can't imagine any other hospital room being more comforting to a scared twelve-year-old.
Her name was Hazel. Her brown eyes smiled warmly at me as she stared at my guitar case. "You play guitar?" The smile on her face told me that she was impressed by the mere fact that I had it.
I don’t know why I wanted to impress this dying girl who wore a cheap looking rug-like wig trying to cover up her baldness. I honestly don’t know if it was shaved or some side effect from medication, but either way, if she trying to hide being bald, it wasn't working. Anyway, I was kind of shy back then and definitely wasn't good at talking to girls, especially dying strangers, so I just shrugged, staring at the floor and mumbled, "I am trying to learn."
With a bubbly giggle, she leaned forward and touched my hand whispering, "Play me something."
I didn't want to admit that I only knew one song, so I just whimpered, "I am just learning and you'll laugh at me."
Covering her mouth, she laughed as she replied, "I can't play a note so why would I laugh at you?" She was one of those girls that no matter how hard you try to say no, you can't. It's something in the eyes I think. They shine so bright that you are scared if you disappoint them that the fire inside them might burn out and be gone forever. She reached a little closer, touched my arm and whispered, "Please play me one song. Just one?"
I nodded and started to unpack my guitar. I was embarrassed by how old and scratched up it was. I am sure that at one time it looked magnificent and the cherry wood just shined, but it was just an old scuffed up acoustic guitar when it was given to me. It was so old and beaten that when my neighbours moved away, they just left it. I found it and with a weekend of scrubbing, cleaned it up and started learning to play it from a bunch of "Learn to play guitar in 90 days" cds.
Hazel’s eyes glowed as I opened the case. I am not sure if she had seen a guitar before or not, but either way, by the look in her eyes, I think that she thought that it was a classic guitar of value rather than somebody's unwanted junk. As I stared into her eyes, I saw something that I had never seen before. Being a young, unexperienced thirteen-year-old, I thought that it was one of those love at first sight moments. No, I knew that at that moment, I was the closest thing to true love that Hazel would ever know. It was the first time I really ever wanted a woman to stare at me with love in her eyes.
I started to strum the strings softly at first, trying to find my rhythm. In my mind, I always thought that when this moment came, I would just pick it up and start playing a classical riff like Randy Rhodes did on my favorite Ozzy Osbourne album. Yes, even today, Randy’s skills stand out amongst the crowd. Anyway, I was sitting there on the edge of Hazel’s bed playing my guitar and she was watching me with such adoring eyes. I just wanted to play something that would stand out in her memory. I started playing and singing, “The Calling’s Wherever You Will Go.” I was lost in the meaning of the song and felt such strong sadness. I had played the song a hundred times before, but tonight, I understood the meaning for the first time. Not that I was head over heels in love with her, but as I sang each word in the song, I could suddenly feel the meaning inside me. I didn’t think that the day I knew what love w
as for the first time, would leave such a lump in my throat.
I looked up and Hazel’s eyes seemed filled with such sadness. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t mean to break her heart. I saw fear and loneliness in her eyes and it made me want to cry on the inside. I only knew one song or at least I could only play one song worth a damn and I played it. There might have been a small piece of me that wanted to impress her with a romantic song about lost love, but I didn’t mean to make her sad. I wanted to entertain her, not add sadness to an already sad life.
“Don’t cry for me.”, she stated with smiling eyes. “Don’t you dare cry for me.”
I wasn’t thinking when I answered her or else I would have chosen something different to say. I hadn’t even realized that my eyes had watered up. It embarrassed me and I wiped away the tears on my sleeve and the words, “I am not crying for you. I am crying for me and the world.” slipped out. I didn’t know what I was thinking, but the words just kept flowing out uncontrollably. “I have only known you for less then an hour and your personality has already touched my heart. I have sung that song so many times, but its meaning only came to life as I sang it and stared into your eyes.”
Hazel’s jaw just dropped open as her eyes became glossy. “No you can’t say that to me. You can’t give me hope because I go to sleep every night wondering if this is the night that I will die. Don’t look at me that way.” It was strange to see how much of an impact my minute of weakness had on her. My father always told me that you can’t always know how the world will react to the kindest of gestures and Hazel was evidence of this. Her eyes were still glossed over, but not a single tear fell as she continued, “My mother looks at me that way and it breaks my heart more than knowing I will never get my first kiss from a boy. Not on the cheek. I mean a passionate kiss like I see in the movies.”
I hadn’t really thought about the firsts that she would miss. It wasn’t like I was a moron or anything like that. Obviously, the younger you die, the less you get to do in life which is only common sense, but I had never really thought about the inventory that someone might take when they die. I had always thought that when we die, our list of regrets would be of all those things we did, but wished we hadn’t done, not the things we never had time to accomplish. I wanted to say something wonderful that would fill her heart with hope, but I couldn’t think of anything with my limited experience. I hadn’t even been on a date, let alone kissed a girl. How was I supposed to know what to say? I just strummed my guitar and watched her.
No matter how hard I tried, it was hard not to think about her as a girl and not my mom’s friend’s dying daughter. I wondered, if she wasn’t sitting here dying, would she even have noticed me? I was just another skinny, big-eared Asian kid who couldn’t talk to girls, wasn’t good at sports and despite what the world thought, wasn’t good at math or chess. I was just a little under average. In a geeky way, that meant most of my life was spent trying to blend in rather than stand out.
I was lost in these thoughts when Hazel leaned over and kissed me. It wasn’t one of those long drawn out girly kisses like you see on daytime soap operas, thank God, but more like a speedy kiss. It was just a touch and go thing, kind of like you usually see on TV when two friends kiss each other on the cheeks. It actually happened so fast that before the shock of it could take over, it was done. I looked at Hazel who seemed oblivious to my shock and confusion and just sat there staring at me with this goofy looking grin on her face. “I was overcome by the romantic nature of your song and the way you think that the world will cry because I am no longer in it.” I could feel my face heating up and could just imagine how bright it must be. It had always been a curse for me that when I blushed, my whole face glowed like a Christmas light and here, I was doing it again.
Hazel’s touch was cool as she reached over and touched my hand. Maybe all sick people are like that, I don’t really know, but before I could even say another word, she giggled and kissed me again whispering, “I just wanted to kiss at least two boys before I die and since I only have one, I thought I would kiss you twice and pretend you had a handsome twin brother.”
I forced a laugh and responded, “I thought I was the handsome one.”, as I continued to strum my guitar.
Still smiling she added, “You are the handsome one. The other twin is too big and muscular with dimples.” A loud giggle followed as she added, “But he does know how to play a guitar like you do.” Her face went serious as her head dropped. She whispered, “Can you promise me something?”
“Anything, just ask. You are my first kiss after all.”, as I tried to force a warm smile onto my face even though my heart was smashing so hard in my chest, I thought that it was going to explode. I didn’t have any idea what she could possibly ask me to do. A million thoughts ran through my head, from becoming her boyfriend, to God only knows what, but inside I was trembling like my little two-year-old brother during his first lightning storm.
In a sad whisper she asked, “Just don’t forget me or this minute in your life ok?” I let of a long sigh of relief as those words left her lips. I guess that my eyes told a lot more than I thought because Hazel’s smile grew as her eyes got big and she burst out with, “OMG what were you thinking I was going to ask?” Patting the bed with her hand she added, “You are such a man.” Falling back on the bed with her arms waving in such an exaggerated motion, “Did you think I was going to say take me here and now in front of all the nurses, you giant stud you?” Still giggling, she started to fan her face with one hand while placing the other on her forehead, “Oh take me here and now before visiting hours are over and they take you away forever.”
I was starting to go from embarrassed to being annoyed as she kept it going on and just mumbled, “I didn’t know what you were going to ask.”
Sitting up, she crossed her legs and playfully added, “Oh don’t be mad at me. I was just playing along, but I am serious, don’t forget me or this day. You will have a lot of wonderful moments in your future and a lot of great firsts, but this is one of my moments and a big first for me. I shared it with you. I don’t want one of my great firsts to be lost when I die.”
“I will carry your name in here.” I responded as I placed my hand over my heart. “You will not be forgotten.”
Tossing an opened pack of lifesavers over to me, she smiled and responded, “Good because I don’t want to be easily forgotten.” Squeezing the orange candy between her teeth, she smiled, pulling me over and snapped a picture of us together. “There it is.”, she said smiling.
“There what is?” I asked staring at the picture.
Passing the camera to me she said,” An unforgettable first date documented forever. I am looking beautiful for a bald girl with a ripe orangey glow to my teeth with my date looking all scared and kind of geeky with his big old ears sticking out.” She was flicking my ears with her finger as she added, “I am sure though that someday your head will grow into them.”
She gave me a big hug and said, “Thank you for a great time and a beautiful romantic serenade.” With a big smile, her eyes lit up, “See? Another first that we shared.” A frown filled her face, “Unless you sing to a lot of young women.”
“No of course not. You are the first.”
“That’s great.”, was all she said as I looked and saw my mother standing at the door waiting for me. “I guess that you have to go, but maybe you can call me tomorrow or I can call you.“ She started shuffling through magazines and papers and pulled out a cell phone. “What’s your cell number?”
“I don’t have a cell phone.”, I said. I had never heard of any twelve-year-old with a cell phone before. Ok maybe I had, but nobody I knew had one. “I only have a house phone.”
Without even a second thought, she passed me the phone and said, “Well type your number here and I will call you tomorrow. Ok?” As I added my number she asked, “Can I call you in the morning or do you go to church?”
“You can call me anytime. I am home all
day.”
With an excited smile she responded, “OK, but I was hoping you might pray for me.” Before I could say a word, she burst out laughing, “Relax I was joking. Learn to enjoy life a little ok?”
I could see that my mother had that annoyed look on her face that she always got when I made her wait ten seconds longer than she wanted me to. I passed the phone to Hazel and said, “I better go. Talk to you tomorrow, ok? Bye.” I kept looking back at her through those little circular mirrors that they scatter around the hallways and I could still see her amazing smile shining through as she waved at me. As I followed my mother through the hallway towards the elevator, I wondered if maybe my first love was supposed to be a bald little girl who seemed to enjoy embarrassing me and talking about my big ears.
Sunday morning, I woke up and spent the day playing “Call of Duty” and waiting for a phone call that never came. I really don’t know why I got so excited about it, but she said that she would call and like a love sick puppy, I believed it. So here I was, sitting in the living room, thinking that even a dying girl was too smart to be attracted to me when my mom came in. “What’s got you in such a mood today?”
As I took out my frustrations in the game, I mumbled, “Nothing. I just don’t feel like talking today.” I wasn’t about to tell my mom that I was stood up by a girl who literally had nothing better to do than talk to me.
“Wil you be ok here alone with your baby brother for an hour or so while your father and I go over and give our condolences to Laura Murphy. I don’t think that she should be alone at a time like this.”
Puzzled I asked, “Who is Laura Murphy?” Not that I knew all my mother’s friends by first name, but I didn’t even recognize the last name and besides, what could be so bad in her life that it meant I had to watch my baby brother when I was heartbroken and rejected? Was my mother so blind that she couldn’t even see that her oldest child was shattered on the inside? What kind of woman was raising me?
A shocked look covered my mother’s face as she slowly came over and sat beside me. Watching me, she slowly started to talk. “Yesterday I went to visit Laura at the hospital. You were entertaining her daughter while we went and talked.” So Hazel’s last name was Murphy. It had a good ring to it. Hazel Murphy. I just nodded as my mother continued, too caught up in the idea that Hazel has stood me up and now my mother was too concerned with her mother’s troubles than her own sons. “Last night after we left the hospital, Laura’s daughter Hazel died, Jason.”
I really don’t know how to explain what happened next. I had only known Hazel for less than twenty-four hours, but hearing that she was gone left an emptiness inside me. Of course I had known people that died before and some of them I missed a lot after they were gone, but they were always older people like my great aunt or uncle when they passed. I hadn’t actually met them in person though. They were faces on pictures, but Hazel, I had met in person. Hazel had made me feel special and I had an emotional attachment to the way that she made me feel. The only thing that left my lips was, “Oh that is why she didn’t call me.” Rubbing my hands together, they felt clammy and seemed to stick together and my heart felt numb.
Hugging me, my mother whispered, “I am sorry Jason. I didn’t realize that you were expecting her to call. I didn’t think that such a short meeting could have had such a lasting impression on you.” Kissing me on the forehead she asked, “Did you want to come with me?” We just sat there in silence for some time as I tried to keep the tears inside my body and my mother tried to figure out what to say. I didn’t understand what I was feeling and I don’t think that my mother had any idea what to say or how to say it. So we just sat there staring at the TV. Finally, my mother said, “How about we bring your brother with us and give you some time alone. Will you be ok for an hour?” I nodded my head and started shooting the virtual enemies as I tried to understand how life could be so cruel to me. It wasn’t fair that the only girl in the world that thought I was cool had to die. It wasn’t fair to her or to me. Not fair at all. As they left, I heard my mother whisper to my father, “We will bring Jackson with us. Young Hazel was Jason’s first crush and I think he needs time to sort through all of these new emotions.”
Now my parents must have been gone for some time which was ok by me because I didn’t want my parents to see me crying over a girl, even if she was as funny and sweet as Hazel. Either way, I must have fallen asleep on the couch because the next morning my mother woke me up and sat down beside me with a USB stick in her hand. “You were sleeping when we got home last night and I didn’t want to wake you, but Hazel made this for you before she passed away. If it’s too soon and you don’t want to watch the video that she made, I will fully understand. I just thought that you should see it.” I stared at the little plastic grey thing that my mother had in her hand, not really sure what I wanted to do. There was this part of me that wanted to see her smile again and another torn part that never wanted to see it again or hear that ridiculous laugh of hers either. My mother set the key onto the table saying, “It’s your choice. I think that you must have made quite the impression on her if she made you a video right after meeting you.”
A week had passed and I hadn’t watched the video yet that Hazel made. It was hard enough attending the wake and funeral and just seeing her lying there like some kind of doll without hearing her voice. I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that if my mother had decided to go one day later or left me at home like I wanted her to, that I would not have even known Hazel. She would have been just another name that matched a picture of a person that I didn’t know. It wasn’t that way for me though because my mother did make me go and then I got to know her just a little bit. What made it worse was that I liked her and then she had kissed me. My first kiss would always have her image attached to it and for all I know, every other kiss afterwards. It sucked being haunted by a girl you had only known for an hour at most and I was afraid that I would never forget her, but finally I got the courage to watch the video.
I sat back waiting for the video to load, which always took a long time. Where most kids had desktops or laptops with quad core processors and major amounts of ram, I had one of those small netbooks which, as far as I could tell, was only meant for researching school work and the word processor. If it was fun or sounded like fun, my little piece of junk netbook couldn’t do it. So I sat there watching the little circle twirling and finally it loaded. At first, all I could see was a black screen with some kind of wobbling light, but then I saw Hazel’s smiling face. I realized that she was making the video on her phone and I think even it had more power than my hand me down netbook.
Hazel’s smile was as bright as I remembered as she started to talk. “If you are getting this video then it means I died the night we met, which would suck because I still have a lot of firsts that I want to do.” Giggling she added, “Who knows? Maybe a few more with you.” Just seeing her eyes shine the way they did made me miss her and think about that little kiss we shared. “Ok so if I am dead, I want you to know that you are a terrible kisser.” As she continued to laugh and roll her eyes, “OK, so I can’t say that you are a terrible or wonderful kisser considering you are the only boy I ever kissed. I want you to know that you gave me a great gift today. Not just the kiss, but you made me forget my troubles, made me laugh and warmed my heart with the song you sang. It was really good. So good in fact, that nurse Jackie recorded it so I could watch it again.” I didn’t even realize that I was being recorded and felt a little uncomfortable about it, but she seemed so happy about it that I was glad she did record it.
Taking a deep breath, Hazel continued, “I think you sounded so great that I sent the video to my friends and they love it too. Oh I know that you are cursing me for doing it, but it’s the only real gift I can give you for being so nice to me. Anyways, my friend uploaded it onto one of those video sites and many people love it. I mean, it’s only been posted for an hour and there are already three thousand views and two
hundred likes. Isn’t that amazing? Three thousand people think that the boy I shared my first kiss with is going to be a superstar someday.” Grabbing her phone and turning the camera towards a little computer screen she pointed, “I am serious. See. Gabby1990 writes, “OMG he has such a sweet voice and sings with love and passion.” Turning the camera back to her, she moved her face closer to the screen. “So there is my gift to you. The world knows just how amazing of a musician and singer you are.” Frowning she added, “Oh come on, don’t be mad at me. If you have this video, it means I am dead and it’s not cool to be mad at beautiful dead girls.” A giant smile filled her face, “It’s true. I am not making this up. Karma doesn’t like little Asian kids being mad at dead girls. Remember that and don’t be mad at me.”
She watched the video of me singing again and once it was finished, looked back at the camera, “So Jason here is your mission, if you choose to accept it. Live every minute like it’s your last and fill your memory with so many firsts that the whole world is jealous of them all. Think of me when you do each and every one of them. When your time comes, which I hope is in like 90 years, tell me about them all. When Heaven opens for you, I will be at the front gate waiting.” With an even bigger smile she added, “Hopefully I am old like eighteen and please let me have regrown my spicy red hair back.” With that, she made a salute and said, “Adieu mon amour.”, and the video turned off.
I wiped away the tears and searched for the video Hazel had posted on the internet. It seemed to take forever for the video to load and when it did, I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was astonishing that three hundred thousand plus people had watched my video with nineteen thousand liking it and six people disliking it. I guess there must always be haters in the crowd. I fell back in my chair, realizing that no matter what the future brought, Hazel made sure that I would never forget her or the day that we shared our first kiss.