by J.D. Selmser
Chapter three
Nail in the coffin
We were surrounded by this thick paste-like fog as we stepped into this hollow feeling room. I could faintly make out ugly beige wallpaper and brown speckled carpet. There was mumbling coming from all around us, but it was too faint to understand what the people were saying. I looked at Hazel through the small pockets of mist that were rolling past us and asked, “Where are we?”
The fog was quickly giving way and rows of chairs became visible as she responded, It’s a funeral.”
“Is it mine?”, I asked, looking around to see what kind of send off my parents had thrown for me. There weren’t a lot of people and I expected a lot more flowers. It wasn’t even being held in a church. Staring at the dozen or so strangers sitting on fold away plastic chairs, I seriously wondered how much more redneck a funeral they could have thrown me. Besides, I expected a lot more people to be crying over me. I was a local celebrity after all.
Walking towards a light brown coffin, Hazel responded, “It’s not yours. It’s Kristina Harris’s funeral. You remember? The girl you killed?”
Raising my hands in frustration, I bellowed, “Jesus Christ stop saying that. I didn’t kill anybody.” Thunder boomed all around us as the words left my lips and instinctively I stared up and said, “Sorry.”
Hazel smiled while rolling her eyes, “They hate that even more than cursing upstairs.” She was walking towards the cheap five and dime looking coffin so I followed. “You helped set things in motion that lead to this day. Whether it was your intent or not Jason, you are still responsible for this day at least in part.”
We were standing in front of the coffin, staring down at the motionless body of a girl around sixteen years of age. I don’t know why, but I had this uncontrollable urge to reach out and touch her. I don’t know why, but every time I see a corpse at a funeral, I think of a plastic mannequin and feel like I want to see if they feel plastic. Of course I never had the courage to do it before. I was reaching out to do just that when Hazel slapped my hand, making a loud stinging waving sound as it connected. She screamed, “Asshole.”, and as expected, thunder rolled with Hazel following with, “Sorry.”
I was shaking my hand trying to drive the stinging away, staring down at the body. She had long brown flowing hair that looked like the color of chocolate with pinkish lipstick and faintly colored mascara around her eyes. Peaceful is how I would describe her. It seemed strange though that her white blouse looked like it was made out of some kind of wax paper and she had a thick navy blue sweater. “Where’s the other half of her eyebrows?”, I asked. I swear it looked like somebody had ripped off the outer half in some evil practical joke they played on the dead girl.
Pointing her finger at me with a glare on her face, Hazel snapped, “Show some respect.”
There was a long pause as Hazel stared at the girl. There was so much sadness in her eyes that I thought that they must be friends. “Did you know her?”
Shaking her head, she just said, “No not personally, but after meeting you, I had reason to take a special interest in her life.”
As I took a second look, I tried to see what Hazel obviously thought was so special about her, but honestly couldn’t see it. “She looks like just another fat chick to me.”
Hazel’s head snapped around like she was possessed by a poltergeist as she screamed, “You are a dumbass. You can’t see what made her so beautiful because she is dead. If only you knew just how special she was. Just how important she was supposed to be in your life.” There was definitely frustration in her tone as she asked, “Why did you have to grow up to be this?”, pointing towards me with such disappointment as she curled her nose.
Still trying to understand what was so special about this one girl out of all the billions in the world, I wanted to know how I was connected to her death. Hell they were even blaming me for her death and I had not even seen her before. “What does this Kristina babe have to do with me? I didn’t kill her and definitely didn’t sleep with her.” She was a rather full figured girl if you know what I mean and I know that there are those guys out there that chase those girls, but I am not one of them. I prefer mine a wee bit different.
“She reached out to you and you didn’t help her. You did the exact opposite. She needed a friend and based on the fame I brought you, thought that she could trust you. You failed her.”
It’s strange how hearing the words that I failed her bothered me. I didn't do anything, as far as I can remember, to this girl. I am actually a pretty nice guy considering how many emails I get. Maybe it was one of the emails I missed or let Angelo respond to. "So you are saying I am guilty because of actions I didn't take? What bull."
"No it was your actions. Yours and yours alone."
Hazel’s eyes weren't those warm glossy ones I remembered. If they sparkled, it wasn't for me anymore. I couldn't wrap my head around what I could have possibly done to this woman. Yes, I was a man whore at the best of times and more often than not, my challenges involved lots of alcohol, but I never pushed it and she wasn't my type. It might be terrible to say, but Jason Wong has weight restrictions in the girls that he is chasing. It’s not like fishing after all. "So tell me what did I do or not do to ruin this girl’s life?" I asked the question, but wasn't sure I truly wanted to know the answer. I wasn't sure I wanted to be proven wrong.
Hazel was still staring into the casket in silence. "Ok I will show you, but I don't like seeing it. I am not fond of this day because it’s the day that her innocence was stolen and the day the sparkle in her eyes faded." I just nodded in silence.
She turned and stood as an old looking mirror appeared. You know, the kind with the wide frame only instead of reflective glass, this one was solid black. "I want you to understand her whole story so that you can fully appreciate how much she needed a friend and how much you hurt her." As an image started to appear, under her breath, she whispered, "Maybe then you will understand that she needed you more than I did during my last moments on earth." I don’t think that she meant for me to hear those words, but I did and I was afraid to see what was about to come.
I watched the image start to take shape like it was a movie playing on tv. It was a younger version of Kristina and she was using a chat program like many of us do. Slowly a message started popping on the screen one character at a time. "Good evening sweetness." The image by the name bleaker was of a blonde teen holding a football. It wasn't the usual all muscle no brains type though. He looked pretty sweet and smart.
A giant smile filled her face as she replied, "I am good Gary. How's yours going?" Her smile was beautiful. I mean it glowed and something about her eyes was haunting. My mom always called it the glow of love. Kristina couldn't have been more then twelve or thirteen. Kind of chunky, but she dressed respectably for a teenager. Maybe too respectable. She was wearing a dress with straps that flipped over her shoulder. I scanned the room, but couldn't see any jeans which seemed rather strange, but I let it go thinking there was some kind of lesson.
Gary responded with a sad face followed by, "I miss you."
Kristina responded, "I miss you too. Soon it will be summer and we can meet in real life my love." There was this long pause in response. You know how it is when a slow typist is on the other side, only based on his previous message, he wasn't a slow typist which seemed strange, but again, I just watched in silence. Finally, Kristina typed," Is something wrong?"
Again the pause was there and then, "I think we shouldn't talk anymore or see each other."
It was like Kristina was kicked in the stomach as her face went long and her eyes started to puff up. I went to say something but Hazel quickly hushed me. Kristina typed rapidly, "Why? What did I do wrong?"
Gary responded, "You don't love me that's why!"
In absolute panic Kristina started typing, "Yes I do. You know I love you. Please don’t leave me. Please. Tell me what I need to do to prove it? Just tell me and I will do it for you."
Gary responded, " I have already told you and you keep saying wait until we meet and you get all of me. I am tired of waiting." Kristina's face went red as her eyes puffed up and hate filled Hazel's eyes. Gary kept typing, "Then do what I ask or else I am gone. It’s your choice."
Kristina just froze and stared at the screen with this terrified cat in the head lights look on her face. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on, but based on the look in her eyes and Hazel’s face, I knew that it wasn't good. Staring at the mirror, Kristina turned sideways as if to measure herself in the mirror then stared at the variety of Gary pictures scattered around her room. Finally, she sat down and typed, "But what if my mom catches me. She will kill me."
After a slight pause Gary responded, "Then you have made your choice. Bye."
Kristina burst out in tears and in a panic started typing, "Please wait. Please. I will do it, but only on the web cam. No pictures and you can't tell anyone.” She was absolutely shaking and you didn't need to be an absolute genius to know this wasn't going to lead to anything good.
Gary typed, "Ok but now I want more than just topless. I want to see all of you so that I can dream of my lady every night."
Wiping away the tears, Kristina responded, "Ok because I don't want to lose you.", and turned on her web cam and slowly started undoing the straps of her dress.
Hazel watched with such sadness. "I don't want to see this, but I want you to understand the girl she was. How sweet and beautiful she was a twelve years old."
I turned away stating, "I don’t want to watch this."
Hazel responded, "Good at least there is a little goodness in you yet.", and the mirror disappeared.
Sitting down beside the coffin, Hazel said, “I will give you the short version, but don't think this isn't a serious matter. It’s so serious that your soul has been judged on your involvement."
I sat down beside her, barely able to believe it. "Oh come on. I am being judged because some silly girl with self esteem issues bared all to a guy named Gary. I wasn't even involved. Besides what kind of girl does that? I will tell you what kind. The kind that has no self respect."
Looking up at me Hazel said, "If I hadn't died and I thought it would keep you in my life, I might have. I wanted to be loved by a boy so bad I think I would have done anything you asked. No it doesn't make sense and it’s stupid, but I think I would have for you."
"I never would have asked." I was one hundred percent sure of my answer. I would never have taken advantage of Hazel.
Looking up at me she responded, "No not the thirteen year old boy that sang to me and didn't even know how to kiss.” With a giggle she added, “You kissed like a goldfish.”, as she puckered her lips together. “He would never have thought of or done anything like that, but this older version of you, I think he would. How many girls have you taken advantage of? How many have bared all because you wanted them to? How many of your friends have seen the pictures as you bragged about being the king of your world?"
In a lot of ways, she was right. Not about me being responsible for this girl’s death, but about me being a player and taking advantage of so many high school and college girls. I pondered this for some time. I finally decided that the whole thing was just a bunch of bull. Sure I felt sorry for Kristina and if I was able to change her life, I would have happily helped her, but she was dead. I was dead too or at least I think I am dead. “I died right?”, Hazel just grinned and nodded. “Damn it.”, I said shaking my head.
Grabbing my hand Hazel asked, “Do you want me to finish my story and tell you how to remove the scars on your soul?” Giggling she added, “Well the big scar at least. All those small ones would take a lifetime to clear.”
“I always thought that you were more optimistic in nature.”
Still smiling she added, “I was or maybe I still am a little, but after watching you gallivanting around for four years, maybe my optimism isn’t quite as bright as it used to be.” She burst out with a giant smile, “Oh sorry, I know that gallivant is a big word for you.” She stood up like she was at a spelling bee, “To gallivant, go around from one place to another in the pursuit of lustful pleasure or entertainment.”
“I know what gallivant means. When did the word lustful get attached to it?”
“Oh Jason, I customized the meaning to suit your personality.” I just rolled my eyes shaking my head, which only made her burst out laughing.
She turned her attention to the body in the casket. There was such soft regret in her eyes as she turned and looked down to me. “I will tell you Kristina’s life story, but it’s a sad one. I don’t want you to think of Kristina as just the girl in the coffin or as just “Her” because she was so much more than a figure in a story. She was a unique and beautiful individual that should have had a very bright future filled with cuddles, kisses and so much more. If you would have known her, I mean, took the time to get to know her she would have changed your view of the world.”
I looked at the young woman lying there motionless, trying to decide how her voice sounded. Was it a sweet, soft flowing mouse like voice or one of those freaky deep Darth Vader type voices? Yes, they exist and freak me out. I have met a few hot chicks who look like a Barbie doll and sound like a wrestler. No matter how gorgeous they are, as soon as they open their mouths to talk, any attraction I have vanishes like smoke in the sky.
The picture of Gary appeared in her hand. “This boy looks so sweet and bright doesn’t he?” He is actually a very nice guy. His picture was stolen from his high school’s website. From there, his other social sites were found and images taken. Look at those warm eyes. I can understand how easily she fell for this image. The thief spends a year talking to her. Slowly seducing her until she had this image of him planted firmly in her mind and heart. Of course, the image she has of him is so great not even the real Gary could live up to it. That’s how he convinced her to show off her body. It wasn’t because of any real man, but the idea of this man. The only thing the man on the other side of the chat program did was make her feel beautiful.”
“Let me guess, a fifty year old plumber from Daniela pretending to be a hot teen football player?”
“No actually a fourteen-year-old trying to be like you, but where you had music to get women to let you use them, all he had was computer skills and an imagination.” I was about to ask who when Hazel cut me off, “Are you going to let me finish the story or not?”
All I could manage to say was, “Sorry.”
“Now listen up. While Kristina was baring all for a few seconds, the boys on the other end had a screen capture program. It was less then forty-five seconds, but in that brief time, they captured seven pictures. Those seven pictures were the first step in destroying Kristina’s life. Kristina was blackmailed into more shows and doing unspeakable things. They treated Kristina like some kind of object for their personal amusement rather than the beautiful amazing woman that Kristina was.”
“What kinds of things did they make her do? She could have just said no!”
Hazel snapped, “Don’t call Kristina her, she has a name. It’s Kristina and they made her do the same things that you ask all your drunk girls to do. The only difference is that you think it’s okay because the girls you are with do it to please the great Jason Wang and Kristina was forced to do it.”
“How did they force her to do it? Kristina I mean.”
“They threatened to post the pictures on the internet. To let everybody Kristina knew see her body. Kristina wanted to be liked so bad the idea of the other kids at school and Kristina’s parents seeing the pictures terrified Kristina so much that Kristina did whatever they wanted even though each time, it made her feel cheap and worthless.”
“Why do you keep saying her name? I know her name. It’s Kristina.”
“I keep repeating her name because for you she is only real if you attach a name to her.” Hazel pulled some Polaroid pictures from her pocket. I knew that they were part of my honey c
ollection. Pointing at the first image of a naked high school girl, she asked, “What’s her name?” Filing through them all she kept asking, “Or her. Or hers.” I couldn’t remember any of their names. They were named after their leg length, breast size or even what they liked to do in bed. Finally, she pulled out the picture of us on the day we first met. It was the one us smiling with a lifesaver between her teeth from the hospital.
“That’s you Hazel.”
“Exactly. If you don’t put a name to them, they aren’t real. The only girl that you have ever attached a name to their face is me. To you, I am a real person and we only hung out for an hour and eight minutes. To you, I am real so don’t you dare just call Kristina, her. She was a real person and her name was Kristina.”
I just stared down at Kristina’s face then looked through the images I had collected. I couldn’t remember their names. She was right. All those young women were nameless bodies and the memories I had of them were not what they said or thought, but what they did when I asked them to. “Who were these boys that wanted to be like me so bad that they ruined Kristina’s life?”
“They aren’t important.” Wide eyed, she grinned and shrugged, “I don’t know why they aren’t important. I just know that they aren’t the reason I was sent here. You were!”
I was still trying to understand it. How was I involved enough to be held responsible for this? Why was the ghost of the girl I shared my first kiss with, here haunting me? “What’s this got to do with me?”
Hazel just shook her head and raising an eyebrow stated, “Are you going to let me finish the story?” Again, I was silenced and just nodded my head.
“As you might imagine, those boys were relentless in what they asked Kristina to do, but fear is always the greatest motivation in life. Eventually though, they became bored with their play thing and stopped communicating with Kristina altogether.”
I couldn’t help but feel some relief about it. Now I am not saying that I am responsible for the actions of others, but if I were involved, the fact that they stopped must mean that she was going to find peace.
“I know what you’re thinking. Yay Kristina was off the hook. If you did you would be dead wrong. For a few months, Kristina’s life went back to normal. Well as normal as a sexually exploited teenager can be, but she found she loved to read so she started reading two or three books a day.” I was staring at Kristina’s lifeless body thinking, “Yes I bet that she is a book worm.” I can easily imagine Kristina finding love and adventure in the pages of the many books she read. “Oh and she came across your videos and our story. She found hope and peace after reading about what you did for me. She actually thought that if a guy like you could love a dying bald girl then just maybe there was a guy out there who could love a fat girl that only saw an unwanted whore when she looked in the mirror.” Hazel slammed her hands against the edge of the coffin and screamed, “Foolish, I know. That’s where you failed her. She looked at you for hope, but you failed her.”
“How? I never met her.” It seemed like a rather good question. Ok so guys hurt her because they wanted to be like me. I am popular and going places so a lot of guys wish they had what I had.
“Let me finish this story. It’s important that I finish this.”
“Ok I will be quiet.”
“Good. Now after that few months of peace from those boys, Kristina had thought that she was free of the blackmail. Then your posse decided to create a page to rate woman’s bodies.” Shame filled me as those words left her lips. I didn’t create the page, but I uploaded pictures and added comments. It was right there that I knew where I knew the name from. Unlike my pictures who had no names, hers had her name and school listed. “Kristina Harris from Westwood Elementary”. That brought the cops into it. Luckily they never could trace who made the page because somehow it was made from an IP address in the Philippines and nobody stepped forward about how their pictures got there. I took some heat for it, but nothing major because they couldn’t prove I was directly involved. I know how lucky we were and we never did it again. They were just nameless girls to be forgotten.
“If I remember correctly your comment was, “Now if there was ever a reason for a straight guy to turn gay, that chunky honey is that reason.”
I remembered it. I wasn’t arrested or anything, but I did get banned from a few social sites for a year and it was a great set back to my career, but nothing I couldn’t bounce back from. “Yes I remember.”
“With her name and school attached to those pictures, Kristina was haunted by it for the rest of her life. They started calling her easy Kristina and from that day forward, she’d find two quarters glued to her locker. It was symbolism. It meant two-bit whore.”
“Oh my god I helped cause this.”, was all I could think of to say.
“Kristina was sent to her Aunt’s house in Alberta, but somehow her reputation followed. She was even raped at a party, but with her reputation, nobody believed her when she said it happened. Two schools later, she finally had enough.”
A loud crack followed that made me jump. “What was that?”
“Oh that was the sound of the rope snapping hold of the plank Kristina used the day she hung herself. I cried for her that day because it wasn’t a fast painless death. Just like her short life, it was slow and painful at the end.”
“So how am I supposed to fix it?”
“Come with me and I will show you where you have to start and how you will get there.”