by A. E. Murphy
“Yep.”
“Fuck him, that absolute wanker.”
“Right?” I drain the rest of my drink. Sasha’s remains on the table untouched. Then it clicks. This sudden light pings inside of my head and everything becomes clear. “Oh my god.”
“What?” She looks at me inquisitively.
“You’re pregnant!”
Her mouth drops open. “No!”
“You so are! That’s why you’ve gone all psycho bride!”
“I’m not! Do you think I’d be going to Alton if I were?”
She makes a good point. “Oh… I got excited then.”
“Trust me, if I got pregnant you’d be the first to know.” She finally sips her drink and grimaces.
“What’s wrong with your tea?”
“Did your mum make it?”
My jaw hits the floor. “Are you trying to say it’s bad?”
“It’s bad, there’s no trying-to-say about it.”
“But… I made it. You love my coffee.”
“Not since I discovered Lavazza. No coffee tastes the same.” Her eyes grow distant and dreamy. She’s so dramatic.
“We have that at work. It is great coffee.”
“The best,” she corrects and pushes her cup away. “I’ll never look at Kenco the same again.”
“Nescafe is my life.”
“Nescafe… blegh.” With her fingers in her mouth, she makes a vomiting noise. I throw a tea towel at her and it covers her head, saving me from her vomiting demonstration. When she sobers and drops the towel onto the table, she snaps, “I can’t believe you thought I was pregnant.”
“Well you had all of the signs.”
She punches me on the arm and we share a laugh at my stupidity.
“What time do you start work?”
“Not until four.”
“Is it proper fancy like?”
I nod. “It’s literally the best. I’ve never known a place to be so clean and yummy.”
“Yummy?”
“Yummy.”
“You’re so weird.”
“It really is though. You need to come sometime. I’ll ask Kerim to cook for you! If you think I’m good, you should try his food. It’s the best.”
She raises an eyebrow. “Kerim, the guy who made you cry?”
“He did not make me cry.”
“Almost.”
I wave her off. “Whatever. The kitchen is a stressful place.”
“Whatever,” she repeats my word and waves me off with a mocking look.
“Cow bag.”
Her mocking becomes a satisfied smirk and then her eyes light up with an idea. “Do they host weddings there?”
Sigh.
“They do actually.”
“I need pictures.”
“Google has them.”
“You can do a video walkthrough of the place!”
“No… no I can’t.” I stand and place our cups into the sink. Sasha follows close behind and then leans around me to help herself to a home baked biscuit from the biscuit barrel.
“You’re such a let-down,” she jests, her voice muffled and her cheek full of biscuit.
“You’re so nice to me.” I deadpan.
Her response is to throw a biscuit at me.
It bounces off my temple and lands in the sink.
“Why did you come, again?” I ask sardonically and her answering cackle is all I receive as she helps herself to another biscuit.
Dillan, with his super hearing, rushes into the kitchen with his hand outstretched. “Bicket.”
Sasha hands him one and then Emily, who follows her brother purely to be nosy.
“Yay, sugar rush,” Nathan sighs and rubs his temples.
“You can thank me never.” Sasha grins and picks Emily up, despite the fact the kid now has soggy biscuit around her lips and fingers. “Is that nice?”
“Bicket,” Dillan yells and runs around our legs.
“EY!” Emily shouts, purely because she likes shouting.
“And so it begins.” I laugh and nudge Dillan towards his dad.
“It’s always a joy to see you, Sasha.” Nathan ushers Dillan back out of the room, leaving us with my pretty little girl.
“I just want to kidnap this kid,” Sasha growls and bites at Emily’s neck, who giggles and presses her chin to her chest. I smile at the sight of her joy and the sight of her cheek chub squishing outwards.
“I’m not sure I’d stop you, though Nathan might.”
“Yeah, I could take him.”
Sasha checks her phone and a cute crease forms between her brows. “Let’s take them to the park or something and get a coffee.”
“That actually sounds pretty good.” I point to Emily’s pram which sits behind the kitchen door. “Stick the kid in there; I’ll go get Dillan and Nathan.”
“And matching socks.”
I look down at my black and grey feet and flip her off. I don’t have time to pair socks these days.
When I step into the room after following Nathan’s hushed voice, I catch him scrambling to hang up his phone and stuff it into his pocket. That’s odd. That’s not like Nathan.
“Everything okay?” I ask, frowning with confusion.
“Yeah, just a company,” he states but I notice his hand trembling as he runs it through his hair. “They don’t stop.”
His eyes avoid mine so I know that he’s lying and my heart begins fluttering painfully in my chest.
“Yeah, well, companies are arseholes,” I mutter, wanting to push him on what the fuck he’s hiding from me but not wanting to cause a scene in front of Sasha.
“Is everything okay?” He asks, still avoiding my eyes.
“Sasha and I are going to take the kids to the park and go for coffee. Do you want to come?”
He smiles softly, his nerves seeming to slowly vanish. Or maybe I imagined them? “You go and have fun. I’ve got a few things to do today and being kid free will make it a bit easier.”
“Of course.” I try to smile but it comes out as more of a grimace. My heart is still fluttering. When he steps into me, I try my best to become soft and pliant in his arms but my hug is almost as stiff as his.
What the hell is going on?
“I love you,” he tells me intimately and pulls away. The way he says it is almost as though he’s reassuring me… or himself. I don’t like this vibe at all.
“The baby is in the buggy,” Sasha yells, startling me and bringing me back out of my head.
“Coming,” I call and hold my hand out to Dillan. “Shall we go get our shoesies on?”
“Oosies,” Dillan mimics and pulls me into the hallway.
Nathan helps to put his shoes on as I sort out Emily in her pram and grab the changing bag.
“I’ll see you in a couple of hours,” I tell him, looking in his eyes for any sign of deceit, for any sign of a secret he could be keeping.
I had thought we told each other basically everything but I just know, deep down, that something is going on here that he doesn’t want me to know about.
Chapter Ten
Because I got home so late that day, I had to quickly change and leave for work. Since then, I’ve noticed Nathan has been actively avoiding being alone with me. When I finish work he’s sleeping and for the past three days, when I’ve awoken, he’s left the kids with me and disappeared into his office. Also, yesterday he went out for two hours with no explanation as to where he was going.
I’m hoping this sudden change is nothing more than store demands but deep down I know it’s something more. I have a feeling that his Dad’s lack of conviction is weighing heavily on him and is affecting him far more than he’s letting on. Though surely he’d tell me? Who else better to listen to his ranting about that awful man than the one person who knows the history?
A little voice in the back of my head pushes other possibilities forward too. Ones far scarier than I can cope with.
I want to trust him but how do you trust a person who is lying
to you? Is he having an affair? Is he tiring of me?
This man walked through fire for me. This man constantly pushes for us to set a wedding date. This man is supposed to be the love of my life.
The thought of losing him to somebody else makes me feel sick and I just know that’s not the case. It can’t be.
So what is it?
If it’s not another woman, why is he suddenly being so shady?
All of this stress is going to turn my hairs grey.
My performance at work today has been less than stellar. I need to stop letting my home life interfere with my work presence but I can’t help it. I’m exhausted. Between battling the kids, work and keeping an eye on Nathan, I’m exhausted. I’ve had no time for myself in weeks, not that I regret anything. It’s just that I’m going to lose my mind if I don’t find some quiet time to gather my thoughts and reflect on things.
That and speak with Nathan about his inability to meet my eyes.
Is it selfish that I don’t want this on my plate on top of everything else? I don’t need relationship drama right now. I can’t cope with that now.
“Everything okay?” Harold asks.
I nod, smile and continue working. I really need to focus.
“It’s your turn to go on break,” he adds and nods towards the staffroom. “Go.”
I don’t need telling twice.
When I make it to my bag and grasp my phone, I’m surprised at the message lighting up my screen. It’s as if he’s psychic and knows that I’m struggling to come to grips with the mess that is my mind.
Nathan: I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately. I miss you. Shall I get a sitter for tomorrow?
Gwen: Yes, definitely, even if it’s for a few hours. We need to talk.
I check my pinned hair with my free hand as I wait for him to respond. I know he’s going to ask what we need to talk about but I don’t want to tell him over the phone for fear of giving him time to create a tale to tell me to my face.
Wow.
My own thoughts have set such a deep chill in my heart. Never, since the day we almost died, have I had to worry about Nathan lying to me about anything. This is awful. I hate this.
Nathan: Yes, we do. <3
Holy shit. That is not what I was expecting. Suddenly I need tomorrow to come right now. The anticipation is going to kill me.
The next day drags. I love my kids but I need them out of the way today so that I can focus on other things for a while without worrying about how my tone of voice will affect them. So when Nathan leaves to drop them off with Jeanine, the first thing I do is strip naked and climb into a bubbling hot bath. It’s genuinely the best feeling in the world, apart from Nathan induced orgasms.
I’m so lost in my bubbling paradise that for a moment, I forget all of my woes. This… this is just what I needed. Suddenly all of my problems don’t seem so bad and the aches in my body vanish, helping to melt the tension in my muscles.
I remain prone in the bath until the water turns cold. When I exit, I wrap my hair in a towel and pat my body dry before heading into the bedroom and checking the time. Nathan will be home in about an hour. I have time to just lounge naked and read until he gets back, or maybe I should start the jigsaw puzzle he got me for Christmas. I do love doing jigsaw puzzles.
There’s nothing worse than having a small portion of time to waste and not being able to know what to waste it on. You spend the majority of it trying to choose because later on, when you look back on this blissful moment, you don’t want any regrets.
I chose the jigsaw.
“I’m back,” Nathan calls unnecessarily as he ascends the stairs. I’d heard his car when it turned onto the street and heard the door unlock, open and then close. My hearing is just that good.
He steps into the room and blinks at the sight of me, sitting naked on the ground, jigsaw pieces scattered around me and an almost finished jigsaw edge in front. “I’m not sure if I should be aroused or not.”
I grin at him over my shoulder and the towel falls from my head, dropping onto the puzzle box beside me. “You should always be aroused at the sight of me.”
“Good.” He holds out his hand, so I take it and stand and sigh with contentment as he threads his fingers through my hair, pushing it into the right places.
“You wanted to talk,” I state softly, my eyes closed as he continues to tease my hair.
“Yes.” When he clears his throat, my eyes ping open and my skin feels the chill in the air. My bliss has ended; it’s time to be an adult. “So did you.”
“Yeah.”
We both pause, the silence between us wrought with sexual tension. His breathing is shallow; mine is heavy. I feel as though I’ve just run a marathon.
“Maybe I should get dressed,” I whisper and reach onto the bed where my gown rests.
“It won’t erase the mental image of you sitting gloriously naked on our bedroom floor. Or standing, looking and smelling so clean and fresh in the middle of the room.” His hand curves around my hip and my lips tremble with a ragged breath that pushes through them. I want so badly to concede and let him take me in a way that I know will plunge me back into the state of bliss I just vacated, but I can’t.
“No.” I step away and pull the robe around my shoulders. My arms are trembling so badly, I struggle to get them through the arm holes. “We really need to talk.”
“We do.” He sits on the bed and gnaws on his lip, his eyes casting a mournful glow on the ground as I tie the rope around my middle. “I’m leaving on the twelfth of August.”
I can’t breathe. I grip hold of the edge of my chest of drawers for support. “Leaving?”
“It’s full steam ahead with the store. I have to go.” His eyes hit mine, sparkling with guilt and sorrow. “It’s the only time Kendrick can fit me in.”
Kendrick is the man who helped him hire staff and get all of his other stores up and running.
“Otherwise it’ll be another six months.”
“And you can’t do it yourself?” I choke, wondering why now, of all times. “How long will you be gone for?”
“A few weeks, but it’s only Essex. I’ll be able to commute back.”
My eyes fill with tears and my heart thuds to the bottom of my stomach with a heavy beat. “And the kids?”
“We’ll have to figure it out,” he admits, wincing. “I won’t need to be there every day and the days that I am, I’ll take the kids if I can.”
“And if you can’t?”
He shrugs. “We’ll figure it out. We always do.”
“We should hire a nanny or put them in nursery.”
“No!” He snaps, standing suddenly.
“Nathan.”
“I said no. I can’t…”
My fingers slide around his wrist and squeeze gently. “I understand your reservations. I know it must be so hard for you to trust after all you’ve been through, but…”
“I said no.”
“Nath…”
“NO!” He shouts, startling me so badly I take a step away. My hand goes to my chest instinctively and his eyes soften almost immediately. “I can’t put them in the hands of somebody we don’t know or trust.”
“Then I should quit now,” I snarl petulantly. “Because how the hell am I going to cope if I can’t find a sitter?”
“Guinevere…” His tone is chastening. I roll my eyes and turn away, done with this conversation. “You’re being unreasonable.”
“No, you are.”
“If I have to take them with me, I will. I’m not going to leave you stranded.”
“And what about you?” I pull open the door and descend the stairs, with him following closely behind. “How are you going to get anything done?”
“I’ll figure it out.”
“And if you can’t?”
“I will,” he assures me and though he sounds truthful, I don’t have much faith in this right now. Everything is changing, again. I don’t like it. “Aren’t you happy? Another store is
more money.”
“I know.” I push open the kitchen door and snag the empty kettle from its base. “It’s great. I’m happy for you, truly. It’s just difficult timing.”
“We’ll make it work.” His arms come around me, resting below my breasts, and his chin touches my shoulder. “We’re strong enough.”
“Are we?” I mumble and he tenses at my back. His arm holds me so tight it’s almost painful.
“What was that?”
Do I dare bring it up now? Maybe this is what he’s been hiding? The fact he has to leave? Am I overreacting?
“Nothing.” I try to pull free but he holds me even tighter.
“What did you mean, Gwen?”
“Nothing!”
“Guinevere.”
“Let go,” I yell and he does, immediately.
“What the hell?” He pants, his hands raised and his eyes wide with horror. “Did I hurt you?”
“No, I just… I need to breathe.”
His lips thin to a white line. “You need to breathe?”
“Yes.”
“Away from me?”
Grunt. “Don’t twist this.”
“Twist what? The fact you don’t think we’re strong enough to make this work? The fact you don’t have faith in me anymore? Or the fact that you just shouted at me to let you go?” He lets out a humourless laugh. “Or am I reading this all wrong?”
“I’m just…” Gah. “You’ve been avoiding me lately.”
“I’ve been busy.”
“You’ve been secretive too.”
He doesn’t deny this. “I’ve been busy.”
“What are you hiding from me?”
Licking his lips, he crosses his arms across his chest and raises his chin. “You think I’m hiding something?”
“I know you are.” I prod him in the chest. “Tell me what it is.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Fine, swear it, on our lives, swear that you’re not keeping something from me.”
He laughs again and runs his hands through his hair. It’s a nervous tic; he’s about to lie. “This is ridiculous. Are we ten?”
“Do it. If it’s so silly then what does it matter?”