by Harmon, AJ
Matt hailed a cab and they climbed in, Matt giving the driver an address she didn’t recognize.
“Where are we going?” she asked.
“My place.”
11.
It was a high-rise near the Financial District. Janie kind of recognized some of the area from her trip to Matt’s office. But on a Sunday, it was much quieter. Matt paid the cabbie and they headed into the modern building. The doorman greeted Matt and smiled at Janie.
Once again, the word ‘swanky’ came to Janie. It smelled of money, wealth and power. You’d have to have all three to live in a building such as this one. They walked across the lobby to the elevator and once inside, Matt inserted a card into the wall panel and it started moving upward.
The doors opened and they stepped out into a small hallway, one door at one end and one door at the opposite end.
“Only two apartments?” she asked.
Matt nodded, and Janie was just coming to realize how rich he really was. It kind of made her a bit nervous but she didn’t have time to dwell on it because Matt was opening a door and guiding her into his home.
Janie’s mouth dropped open and she came to a complete stop. What she saw in front of her was awesome, to say the least. They entered into a very open space with two-story high ceilings and a wall of windows that gave way to the most spectacular view Janie had ever seen.
They were high up and the expanse of skyscrapers that lay in front of them was impressive. There was the tiniest glimpse of the Brooklyn Bridge and Janie wondered what it would look like at night.
“Wow!” she whispered.
“Do you like it?” asked Matt.
“Who wouldn’t?”
Janie stepped into the room a few more steps and looked around her. The floor was some kind of exotic marble, maybe, and the furnishings probably cost as much as her entire house. In fact, she decided, her entire house could fit in this one room. There were several seating areas and a large bar that sat eight, and at one end stood a grand piano. At the other end she saw an elegant dining table with fourteen chairs around it and a massive modern chandelier hanging down in the middle.
“You must have amazing dinner parties,” she stated.
“Actually, I never have,” he replied. “The designer said that it’s what the space needed so that’s what we went with.” Matt shrugged.
“How long have you lived here?”
“Um, I guess it’s just over two years now.”
Janie walked to the wall of windows. There was a patio outside, about ten feet wide she guessed, that ran the length of the building. Matt came and stood next to her and grabbed her hand.
“Let me show you the rest of the place.”
They walked past the bar and past the dining table and turned into a cook’s dream of a kitchen. There was a massive commercial stove and double ovens and a huge refrigerator and separate freezer. The countertops were an almost-black granite and the cabinetry was a rich cherry wood. There was even a built-in espresso machine.
Janie was in awe. I would love to cook in here, she thought.
Behind the kitchen were a bedroom and bathroom and a laundry room, with a door.
“Where does that go?” she asked.
“That’s the service entrance. The door in the hallway outside is hidden. You have to know it’s there. This is the live-in help’s quarters.”
“You have a live-in maid?” Janie gaped.
“No, but I could have one if I wanted,” grinned Matt. “I just have a cleaning service that comes in once a week. But I live here alone and I’m not that messy.”
He took her back through the kitchen and out past the dining table to a small hallway that held two doors.
“These are the guest rooms,” he said as he opened the first door.
Janie entered to find a beautifully decorated room, with a big bed full of pillows and a small sitting area. This room also had a wall of windows and it looked as though the balcony extending right around the building.
“The view is just breathtaking,” she said, actually a little breathless.
Matt opened the glass door and stepped out onto the patio. Janie followed, her hair instantly caught in the breeze.
“It can be a bit windy up this high,” he laughed, as Janie tried to contain her hair.
They walked to the end of the balcony and Matt pointed to a building and said, “If you can see that tall building right through there with the dome thing on top, that’s where my office is.”
Janie nodded, although she wasn’t sure she was looking at the right building. Matt walked to the end of the balcony and stood, deep in thought. Janie stood next to him, knowing he was thinking something but not wanting to interrupt him. What seemed liked several minutes passed and then Matt tilted his head and turned to Janie.
“And right up there is Ground Zero.”
Janie looked and looked but couldn’t see anything. Then she realized that was the problem. The buildings are gone. They can’t be seen. It was a somber moment and she couldn’t imagine what the people of this city had gone through during those terrible hours, days and weeks.
Matt’s expression was serious and Janie squeezed his hand. Matt tried to smile, but she could see something in his eyes. Pain?
“Did you know anyone that, well, that was there that day?”
Matt nodded. He looked back in the direction of the towers and sighed. “My buddy from Duke, Wes, worked in the towers. I had talked to him just a couple of days before and………”
“I’m so sorry.” What else could Janie say? She had watched the dreadful events on the TV and was shocked at the terrorist attack in her country. But she hadn’t known anyone personally who had been affected, and she was three thousand miles away, really quite removed from the whole thing.
“It could have been me,” he continued.
“What?” Janie was horrified.
“I had been offered the same job as Wes right out of college,” he explained. “We had thought it would be fun to work together, but I really didn’t see myself as a stock broker. And I wanted to be my own boss, not have to answer to anyone else. So I turned it down. But Wes went and he loved his job. He was good at it too.”
Janie put her arm around his waist and rested her head on his bicep. It had been over ten years, but it was obvious the healing still wasn’t complete. It pained her to see him hurt. She wished there was a way to take it from him.
They stood there for several more minutes, Matt’s mood somber and Janie not knowing what to do, so she just tried to be ready for whatever he needed.
What’s going on here? I shouldn’t feel like this. I can’t be so connected to him. I have to leave. There isn’t a future here!
Janie’s mind and heart were beginning to conflict each other. She felt things for Matt she knew she shouldn’t be feeling. How on earth was she going to deal with that?
*****
They had gone back into the giant room Matt called the great room and were at the bar enjoying a bottle of cabernet. They had talked more about Matt’s childhood and he had told her about his adventures playing football.
“Tyler would love you,” Janie laughed, and then gasped at what she had said. Her face went white and she lowered her eyes to her hands and immediately bit her cheek.
“What’s wrong?” Matt asked, concerned at her instant retreat.
You hate kids! Kids are a deal breaker! “I didn’t mean to…….”
“What?”
Janie fidgeted with her hands, unable to look at him.
“Janie,” he pleaded, “Tell me. What is it?”
“Beth said you hated kids and I have two and so I figured if you hated them so much I shouldn’t probably talk about them, but then I did and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but,”
“Fuck Beth!” he muttered. “Beth doesn’t know shit. She thinks I hate kids because I told her we weren’t going to have any, and she was more than fine with that because she would rather die than ever ha
ve her body ruined by having a baby.”
He thinks my body is ruined? Janie gulped and felt a wave of nausea overcome her.
“Oh, shit! Janie, that’s not what I meant.” Matt rubbed his temple with his hand and closed his eyes. “I didn’t mean that how it came out. I’m sorry.”
Janie could actually feel the tears filling her eyes and she stood quickly and walked to the kitchen, mumbling that she needed the bathroom. She couldn’t bare it if he saw her cry.
*****
Janie looked in the mirror at her reflection; tears rolling down cheeks, cheeks blotchy and eyes red. She closed her eyes and tried to get her emotions in check. It wasn’t the ‘ruined body’ comment. She knew he liked her body, stretch marks and all. It was everything all coming apart at once. So much had happened in such a short period of time and she wasn’t sure she could take any more.
Slumping to the floor, she sat with a wad of toilet paper in her hand and blew her nose. Of all the bathrooms Matt had showed her in his apartment, she had come to this one, the maid’s room. That spoke volumes. She didn’t belong in his world. She was Formica not granite. She was Ford not BMW. She was Kohl’s not Bloomingdales. She was coach not first class.
Her finger travelled over the grout in the tile floor. Janie’s mind went to her home in Portland. It was homey and comfortable and it was where she and Robert had raised their children. It looked like all the other homes in the neighborhood; a well-kept three bedroom ranch house and she realized now that in order to move forward with her life, to start over, she needed to leave it. She couldn’t really start over with all of the memories constantly surrounding her. She would need somewhere fresh and new; a place to make new memories. Robert had given her permission to do so and her trip had given her the desire to do so. She was ready to take the step. She had let go. Another tear fell.
Matt was the perfect man and in a Lifetime movie, he would walk in and pick her up and kiss her tears dry and they would live happily ever after. But her life wasn’t a ‘made for television’ movie. Life really didn’t work out like that.
Why was he with her? What does he see in me? How long could this possibly last, even if she wanted it to. Did she want it to last?
Do I love him? Please God no! I have to walk away because he wants to walk away.
She stood and blew her nose. She splashed cold water on her face and took several deep breaths.
I’m not ready for this to end. The realization was hard for Janie to accept. How could the first man be the one she wanted to start over with? It’s not an option. He’s not available. He had made himself clear. Then I’ll take what he is willing to offer. Three more days and then we walk away and I will treasure these memories forever.
*****
Janie walked back to the bar but Matt had gone. He was standing in front of the windows staring off into the distance. He turned to her as she approached, looking at her, looking for an idea of what had just happened.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“No,” he grabbed her chin and forced her eyes up to him. “I should tell you about Suzanne.”
He led her to a rich brown leather sofa and she curled up in the corner, giving herself a little space between them. Matt leaned his head back and sighed, then he began.
“I met Suzanne a couple of years after college. She was working in a bar I used to go to with Wes and Mark and she was a little flirty, with everyone, and after a few months she gave me her number. I kept it for a few weeks and then one night I called her and we went out. It was fun and she was pretty hot and I was horny.”
Janie’s eyes opened wide at the confession and Matt continued.
“I was about twenty-five and not ready for anything serious, but I saw her a few times and then she got pregnant. At first I was really pissed off, you know. She said she was on the pill and I believed her. So we went to City Hall and got married. My mom was really disappointed not having a big wedding, but I just wanted it done. We’d been married about four months when I found out from a voicemail from the doctor’s office that she had miscarried.”
“Oh Matt, I’m sorry.”
“The thing was, the voicemail was to reschedule her upcoming appointment, so I called to find out when cuz I figured she would want me to go, and I found out that she had miscarried five weeks earlier and the appointment was to make sure everything was good to go so she could start trying to get pregnant again.”
Janie was shocked and her expression said it all.
“Apparently she was going to get pregnant again and I was never supposed to know she miscarried.”
“That makes no sense,” said Janie. “The timing would be, would be…..”
“Fucked up, right? Yeah, but she hadn’t thought that far ahead.” Matt shook his head. “The thing is, I didn’t know I wanted the baby until I found out it had died, that she had died.”
“A daughter,” whispered Janie.
“But to Suzanne, it wasn’t a baby; it was just the thing that would keep her tied to me, tied to the lifestyle she desperately wanted.” Matt was bitter. “So it’s not that I hate kids, I actually like kids. I just won’t have any. I decided that day that I wouldn’t be a part of any game using innocent children as pawns.”
Janie’s heart ached for Matt. How could someone be so cruel? She crawled up next to him and he lifted his arm and pulled her to his side, her head resting on his chest. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered again.
“That was fifteen years ago. I’m over it now.”
No you’re not, she thought. Not even close!
They sat, cuddled together, saying nothing. The sky was slowly darkening, sunset not far away. Janie listened to his heart beat and drew circles on his leg, Matt resting his cheek on her hair.
*****
At some point, as the sun set, the intercom broke the silence. Janie lifted her head, saddened that the moment had been interrupted. Matt stood and walked to the door. Janie looked out at the lights appearing outside.
The thought had come to her that for all the money and power Matt had, he was wounded, scarred, hurt badly on the inside. His exterior was not cracked at all. He had learned to bury all the pain, to not let it show. But she knew better.
Matt interrupted her thoughts, dinner having arrived. She stood and wandered over to the dining table, where he was emptying brown paper bags.
“I thought I’d have my first dinner party,” he grinned.
“I am honored to be your first guest,” she smiled, love bubbling up through her making it impossible to deny how she felt.
“Hope you like Thai.”
“I love Thai food.” I love you!
“Good! Let’s eat.”
Matt pulled the chair out for her and she sat and they ate their food in comfortable silence.
*****
Janie insisted on cleaning up and doing the dishes. Matt threw his hands up in defeat and left her to it. He pushed some buttons on a remote control and ambient lighting came up and music wafted through the apartment.
He walked back to the kitchen and leaned on the doorway, watching Janie as she washed the few dishes in the sink. He watched her back, her arms, her legs. She turned and he could see her profile. She was beautiful. She was the whole package. She was everything he wanted in a woman, and he didn’t know it until he’d met her. How can I walk away? How can I let her walk away? How can two weeks be enough? Because you told her two weeks was all there was.
*****
Janie dried her hand on the dish towel and placed it back on the hook and turned to see Matt watching her. She smiled and walked to him.
“I’ve never had a woman in my kitchen before.”
“What? Never?”
“Nope. You’re the first.” He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. “Will you stay here tonight with me?”
Janie looked into his eyes and nodded. Her eyes dropped to his mouth and she watched his tongue slowly lick across his bottom lip and desire immediately swept over
her. He lowered his head and his lips touched hers ever so softly. He pulled away and Janie could see the desire in his eyes.
The words of the song playing in the background ran through Janie’s head. ‘There is a darkness deep in you. A frightening magic I cling to. Give me a chance to hold on.’
“I love Snow Patrol,” she said.
“Me too,” he whispered. And he lowered his head and kissed her once more.
‘It's so clear now that you are all that I have. I have no fear now you are all that I have.’ The words were everything she felt. She wanted the ending credits of the movie to begin to roll so that she didn’t have to bear the real ending; the ending coming in three days.
She poured everything she felt into the kiss, wanting to leave nothing unsaid, at least not in words. Matt deepened the kiss and pulled her even closer. She pushed her tongue into his mouth and savored his taste. He responded in kind and the kiss turned hot and passionate and Janie found herself aching for his touch. He pulled back, gasping for air, his eyes closed, and leaned his head back on the wall behind him. Janie rested her head on his chest.
She looked up and could see the lights flickering all around outside. It was dark now and the city was now sparkling.
“And now I understand why you live here,” she said as she pulled out of his embrace and walked to the windows. “Wow!”
“This is another way to appreciate the city at night,” he drawled into her ear, coming to stand behind her.
He had retrieved the remote control and was dimming the lights so it was all but dark in the apartment. Their faint reflection disappeared in the windows and there stood the city.
“If we go back outside there is a great view of uptown.”
Janie grinned. “Would you take a picture of me out there?”
Matt chuckled, “Of course.”
Janie ran and grabbed her phone from her purse and followed Matt to the glass door and out to the balcony and around the corner to experience the spectacular view.
They laughed as he took dozens of pictures, and he pulled his phone from his pocket and snapped one for himself. The wind had blown her skirt up and she had laughed uncontrollably.