14. NERVES
I got to Mr. D’s room early so I could talk to him. “Morning, Mr. D.” I went to my seat to put my stuff down.
“Good morning. How are you doing today?”
“Hanging in there. I wanted to let you know that I won’t be here tomorrow. Is there anything major that I’m going to miss?” I didn’t want to go into detail about where I was going.
“Well, AP has a quiz tomorrow.” Aww, man. I hated falling behind to begin with, let alone missing a quiz or test.
“Can I make it up the next day?”
“Not during class time. Before school, at lunch or after school.”
“Yeah, no problem. I’ll make it up before school.” I didn’t want the quiz hanging over me.
“That’s fine. What’s going on?” Great, here came the questions that I wanted to avoid. I looked at him biting my lip. “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me.” Thank goodness. He was giving me an out. “Just as long as you’ll make up the quiz.”
“I’ll make it up.”
“Okay.” He turned to finish writing up the homework assignment on the board.
I put in my ear buds and turned on my MP3 player. I closed my eyes and let myself get lost in the music. I felt a whoosh of air near my hand, it was Patrick putting his backpack down on the table next to me. I started to put my player away. “Hi.”
“Hey. You didn’t have to put it away. You still had time to listen before class started.” There was still a good 15 minutes before the bell would ring and everyone would start coming to class.
“Yeah, I know, but I wanted to ask a favor.” He looked at me trying to read my face. I was still debating if I should ask him what I wanted to.
“Sure. Ask away.” He looked curious.
“I won’t be here tomorrow. You think I can borrow your notes?” I was nervous and scared, so I chickened out—I didn’t ask what I should have. I knew he would ask why and I couldn’t, just couldn’t talk about it with Mr. D there.
“Sure, I’ll be glad to let you borrow my physics notes.”
“And for English? And math?”
I swear that Patrick and Mr. D exchanged some look. All of sudden, Mr. D said he forgot to check his mailbox and was headed to the office, leaving us alone in the room.
“You’re going to be gone all day?” His eyes were tight.
“Yeah.” Anticipating his next question, I quickly added, “I’ll probably be back by 7:00 tomorrow night.”
“So, all day.” He paused. “Where are you going?”
“I have an appointment.” I was dreading this conversation.
“An appointment? That lasts all day? You know, you have to give me more than that.” He insisted.
I took a deep breath. “I’ll be in San Francisco. My flight leaves around 8:00 am.”
Patrick was really confused. He couldn’t understand what I was trying not to say, but he wouldn’t stop. I knew he wouldn’t until he knew what I was doing. “Is your mom or dad dragging you there?”
“No. I’m going by myself.” I wished I wasn’t, not that I wanted my folks to come with me.
“I really don’t understand what’s going on. Why would you go by yourself to San Francisco? For the day? For an appointment? Liz…”
“It’s sorta an appointment. It’s more like…” My voice trailed off and avoided making eye contact.
“More like what?”
“A subpoena.” I responded quietly then turned to look at him directly. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mr. D come back into the room. “Please don’t say anything. Please.” I pleaded in a whisper. He stared at me in shock. The bell rang.
Some students started arriving into the classroom. “Mr. D? Liz and I need to look for some parts in the back room. Is that okay?” Patrick didn’t sound like he was really asking for permission.
He looked at Patrick. “Sure. Some of the stuff back there is disorganized. It might be hard to find what you’re looking for. Take your time, so we don’t have to order a part that is hidden back there.” Patrick waited for me to start toward the back room and followed me. “Oh, and feel free to straighten up back there.”
We went to the far corner of the back room, as far away from Mr. D’s door as possible. It was a pretty big store room full of physics and chemistry supplies. The door connecting it to the other classrooms was closed. Patrick pulled out a stool for me to sit on. I sat down. He stood directly in front of me, keeping his voice low. “What the hell do you mean subpoena?”
I cringed at his tone. “I have to testify as a witness.” My voice cracked and I was shaking.
He took in my fear and his voice softened. “I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you or anything. I’m just trying to understand.”
“I know.” I couldn’t help it. I knew when I woke up that today would be the start of a hard week, I just had to get through the next couple days. “I just can’t talk about it now. If I do, I’m afraid I’ll lose it. I can’t miss class two days in a row. I just want to get through today and tomorrow.”
“Okay. I won’t ask why you’re going. Not now, anyway.” I was thankful for that. Maybe later, after it was done, I could handle it. “I don’t get why your mom or dad aren’t going with you.”
“It’s just one of those things that we don’t agree on. Can we just leave it at that? They’re letting me go because it’s a subpoena and they have to, but they don’t have to like it or support it or me. It’s okay. It’s really better that they don’t come with me. It would just make it harder and worse. Much worse.”
Patrick kept scanning my face. He could see how uncomfortable I was, but I doubt he had any idea why. I wanted him to come, I really wanted someone with me, but I didn’t think it fair to ask him to miss school or practice. Besides, I didn’t even know how to ask him for something like this. Maybe he did have an idea why I looked like I did, “You really should have someone there to support you. I mean, you’re testifying in court! I don’t care if the case is big or small, that’s kinda scary. Talk about stressful.”
“That’s what the district attorney said. She felt it was really important that they came with me. I tried to explain to her that…that it wasn’t going happen.” I had to remind her about my parents’ reaction to begin with when we were in San Francisco. She finally backed off the parent issue after that. “She still hoped I would bring some support, though. She was still pushing the issue yesterday. Said she’d cover the ticket and I just had to tell her who—hoping I would bring my aunt or cousin or something.”
“Why aren’t you bringing one of them?”
“You’re kidding, right? They don’t know what happened. No one in the family knows. One of those family secrets, my parents would be embarrassed if any one else knew. So, I could never ask any of them. Even if I did, they’d side with my parents. I couldn’t take it. No, it’s better this way.” I shook my head. I wanted to change the subject. Needed to. I could feel myself getting close to crying and I didn’t want that. “We should get back to class.” I cleared my throat. “We need to grab some stuff to make like we found some supplies.”
Patrick just stared at me. I turned to grab a box and started looking through the bins of motors, resistors and other parts. I wasn’t looking for anything specific. I just needed to be moving, doing something. “I can see that this is going to be hard for you.” That’s an understatement. “I don’t want to push. But is there any way I can help?” He sounded so sincere and I wanted him to help me, but I didn’t want to take advantage of our friendship.
I took a deep breath. “You are. You’re letting me borrow your notes.”
“Liz. Come on, I can do more than that. You can get the notes from anyone.” He was frustrated.
I stopped shuffling through random boxes of stuff and turned to face him. “I know you can. But you need to know, that it’s okay for you to say ‘No’. Okay? Seriously. And you don’t have to answer now.”
“Okay.”
“The favor I really w
anted to ask you wasn’t to borrow your notes. It was…well..” I took a deep breath. Just spit it out. Then the words tumbled out. “If you’d go with me to the trial. Like I said, I had an extra ticket. And there’s no one else that I really trust. But, I don’t want you to miss school or practice. And besides, Becca probably wouldn’t like it. I don’t want to cause any trouble. Forget I said anything.” I turned away from him and picked up my box of random, useless supplies.
“No, Liz.” He started to say.
“That’s okay. I know you have practice and stuff. I’ll just call you when I’m done with it.” I interrupted, still not looking at him.
“Let me finish.”
I turned around. “Sorry.”
“What I was trying to say is I won’t forget about it. Don’t worry about trouble you might cause with me. Don’t use that as some excuse to not ask for help when you need it. That’s stupid. Man, how can you be smart is so many things and not so much in others?” Patrick shook his head and smiled. I knew he was joking and not joking at the same time. It was true. I was dumb, or maybe it was more stubborn, about non-school stuff. “I don’t want you to go alone. I have a feeling that it would be a bad idea if you did, especially since the DA seems to want you to not be alone. If a total stranger thinks that, then I don’t think this trial is about you seeing someone hit another car.”
He waited for a response. My pulse raced at the thought of what it was about. After I knew I’d have control over my voice, I answered. “No. It’s not.”
“Yeah, I’ll go.” He responded immediately and definitively.
“But what about…” I whispered.
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it. You’re my friend. I want to be there for you. I want to go. Besides, what better reason to ditch school but to actually go somewhere, instead of just sleeping in?” He smiled, it was very reassuring. I felt like I could actually get through tomorrow.
Mr. D tapped on the door before entering. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, Mr. D. But it looks like I’ll have to make up tomorrow’s quiz.” Mr. D just nodded. Patrick picked up the box of random supplies I was putting together. “You know, if you had just asked me to begin with, we wouldn’t have missed part of class.” He teased.
We headed back to class. It felt like we were gone forever, but we really didn’t miss too much of class. I just needed to get through the day, which seemed doable now that Patrick said he’d come with me tomorrow. It would be a little easier having one friendly face there.
At lunch, I called DA Espinoza. I wanted to let her know that someone would be accompanying me and whose name to put on the ticket. She seemed glad that I wasn’t coming alone. She reminded me about what to expect and where I was to go. I wrote down the details in my notebook. Along with things like: remain calm, breathe, and focus on her.
I was really preoccupied as I entered math class. I almost tripped on someone’s backpack and ran into the edge of a desk before I got to my own seat. I was relieved when I finally sat down. I pulled out my notebook and opened it. Ms. Adams began her lecture and I started to take notes. I couldn’t help but stare at what I wrote during lunch.
I didn’t know how I would do it. I was scared. I was glad that Patrick was going to go with me. He was right, to have a bad feeling about tomorrow. I did too. I kept going over and over in my head the questions that I should expect. What the DA told me to expect. The thought of being in court freaked me out. I took several deep breaths to calm down. It didn’t really help. My stomach felt like it was doing cartwheels, good thing I didn’t eat lunch. That would have been bad, no telling what would have happened. Eww.
I thought about what I had to say, what I had to relive. I wasn’t looking forward to it. I knew I had to do it. Just because it was the right thing to do, didn’t make it easy. Actually, it tore me apart. I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to forget about it, bury it. The thought of it made me shake and tears start to form in my eyes. I closed my eyes. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
“Liz, what did you get for number 4?” My eyes shot open when I heard Ms. Adams call my name. Crap. I scanned the room to see she was standing at the side whiteboard toward the back of the room. I saw Patrick staring at me, he looked worried. I didn’t know what to say, I froze. I knew had to say something, but I didn’t know what. I had no idea what she had been talking about. What problem?
A new kind of fear filled me. I don’t remember the last time that I froze when a teacher called on me. Especially because I wasn’t paying attention in class. Usually, no matter what was going on with me, class was an escape and I could focus there. I desperately scanned the board to see what problems she had done. It might as well be written in ancient Sanskrit. I couldn’t understand a thing that was on the board. How could that happen? Crap.
“Liz, come up and write your solution.” She had her hand outstretched with a dry erase marker. “You can bring your paper up with you.” Ms. Adams seemed to want to ease the apparent tension and nervousness which was plastered on my face. I looked down at my notebook. Nope, no solution magically appeared in my notebook.
I slowly stood up from my seat and I felt like everyone was staring at me. The only eyes that I locked on to were Patrick’s. He looked down at his paper and pushed it toward the edge of his desk. I started walking to Ms. Adams, toward Patrick’s desk. As I got near Patrick, I got so nervous that I tripped on someone’s backpack. I partially caught myself before falling face first by grabbing onto the nearest table. As I regained my balance and stood up, I grabbed Patrick’s paper, trying not to be obvious. I didn’t plan on falling and taking his paper, but the opportunity presented itself.
Ms. Adams handed me the marker and smiled, when I got to the board. I forced a smile to my face and took a deep breath. I copied down Patrick’s solution onto the board and prayed that Ms. Adams would keep with her habit of asking one student to write the solution and another to explain it. Thankfully, she did. Ms. Adams now focused on another student to explain the solution that was written on the board. She excused me to sit back down, which I quickly did, careful not to trip on my way back. I glanced at Patrick as I sat down, trying to say thank you with a look.
I tried to listen to the explanation of the solution and understand it. I’d made it this far without losing it during class and I didn’t want to start now. I kept telling myself to pay attention and pushed down the thoughts of tomorrow. I was able to get through the rest of math and history by focusing on the teacher’s voice and ignoring the voices in my head that were haunting me about the trial.
Falling (Bits and Pieces, Book 1) Page 36