by Carol Ross
Finally, he spoke, his voice husky and fraught. “Hazel, please, I am really trying here.”
“Trying?” she repeated. “What does that mean? Cricket, you are acting strangely. Like one minute you’re...you. And the next, you’re all grumpy and surly. And are you aware that you are not nice to Kai?”
After grinding out a bitter laugh, he said, “I am as nice to him as I can be.”
“Did he do something that I’m not aware of?”
He shook his head and sighed. “I don’t know how else to say this, so I’m just going to. I can’t do this anymore. I know it’s not fair. I know I asked you here and that I said you could hire whoever you wanted, but this isn’t working.”
“What isn’t working? What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about you and Kai. Specifically, Kai as our employee. Your coworker. You need to fire him.”
“Cricket.” Further speech failed her, and for several seconds they stared at each other. When he didn’t elaborate, she said, “You cannot be serious? He’s doing an excellent job. We’ve already accomplished so much. I don’t know if you understand how hard he works, how many hours we’ve both put into this venture already. Not to mention that he’s trying very hard to impress you.”
“Oh,” he said, voice laden with sarcasm, “is that what the ice-skating bit was about out there? Impressing me? He couldn’t have simply skated by himself? Was it about putting his hands all over you?”
Hazel opened her mouth, closed it again. He was jealous? Of Kai?
Silently, he focused on her again. His gaze narrowed like he was thinking, but she recognized the look for what it was—an attempt to gain control of his emotions. Shutting down, in other words, like he so often did. Frustration surged through her. She wanted to push him for answers, ask him, beg him to talk to her. She’d promised him she wouldn’t do that anymore, but that couldn’t apply now, could it?
But then something strange happened. A shift, a change, a clarity transformed his expression.
Nodding slowly, he said, “You asked me ten years ago to tell you how I felt. You asked me in Colombia, and then again in Florida. And each time, I told you I couldn’t. That’s because I knew if I said the words, it would change everything. But I just realized something... Do you really want to know how I feel, Hazel?”
What was happening here? Her chest had grown so tight with anxiety that her answer came out a whispered, “Yes.”
“Okay. Fine. Here goes. I know you said that you are over me, and clearly, that is the case. Unfortunately, I’m not over you. All those hours he gets to spend with you. He gets to make you smile and laugh and give you all the compliments that I want to give. He gets to—” He broke off the rest of his sentence with a frustrated scoff. “The scenarios are endless, and they keep me up at night. But in all of them, every single one, I want it to be me.
“The rational part of my brain reassures me that he’s perfect for you. Reminds me how happy I should be that you’ve found someone you want to date.”
Found someone? He thought she was dating Kai? Why would he...? That was when it dawned on her. Date. That word illuminated in her mind like an old-time movie marquee. She’d told him that very thing in Utah, that Kai was her date. But never clarified any further. At the moment, she’d liked the idea of him thinking she was on a date. But then Kai had shown up in Rankins for the job. Without her ever mentioning the status of their relationship.
Cricket looked pained as he went on, “I can see that he’s a good guy, although I’m not sure he truly knows you. Not as well as he should. But that’s not my business either.” He raked a hand through his already mussed hair, thinking, struggling, maybe, to stay on task.
“My point is that part of my brain is no longer working properly. No matter how much I want it to, it cannot override how I feel. Because I am not happy. I am miserable. That’s why I find fault with everything he does. I despise the poor guy. I know that’s not logical, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I’ve reached the point where it’s either him or me—and since the company is half mine, I can’t be the one to quit, can I?”
Hazel was too shocked to respond. Wide-eyed, limbs frozen, all she could do was stare. For ten years, she’d wanted him to talk, to be honest with her about how he felt. Why was he saying all of this now?
He cleared that up next. “The ironic thing is that I feel like I can say all of this now because you are involved with him. Like your relationship gives me the freedom to finally be honest. And I want you to be happy, Hazel. I do. Please, believe me when I tell you that. I just don’t want to see you being happy with him anymore.”
“Cricket,” she murmured. “That’s...”
“Messed-up, I know,” he finished for her. “Now do you see how emotionally twisted I am? Do you understand why I’ve never talked about this? I could never say the words because... Because I couldn’t do anything about it.”
He brought one hand up and formed a fist in the center of his chest. “But you own my heart, Hazel. I want you to know that. That’s why I don’t have relationships. How can I give my heart to someone else when it already belongs to you? Ever since that summer, long before we ever kissed, I knew. I had guilt about that, too. Wanting to be with my best friend’s sister, hiding my feelings from everyone—even you.”
A rush of heat flooded through her. She was right. She’d been right all along. She was elated. And yet... What to do about it? He’d admitted that he’d confessed only because he believed she was in a relationship.
She wasn’t sure what to do. But she knew one thing; she’d waited ten years for this day, for him to finally admit that he cared about her in this way. This was above and beyond what she’d even hoped for. No chance would she let another ten go by before... Before what?
If she responded now, she’d tell him how she felt. She’d tell him the truth about her and Kai. And she’d tell him she loved him. But then he’d retreat again. So, instead, she did the only thing she could think to do that would prevent any of those scenarios from happening.
“Well, okay, then,” she somehow managed, slapping her hands on the tops of her thighs and pushing to her feet. “That explains a lot. Thank you for telling me.” And then she walked out the door.
CHAPTER TWELVE
THERE WAS NO doubt in Hazel’s mind that Cricket would reconsider firing Kai once he learned they weren’t dating. The problem was, she wasn’t sure she wanted to tell him. Not yet, anyway. She needed time to think this through.
Before she’d even made it back outside, her phone chimed with a text from Cricket.
I’m sorry. I’m a selfish jerk. Don’t fire him.
Relief rushed through her—relief and respect because he was so... He always did the right thing, even when it was difficult. She loved that about him, even if it was, as she was beginning to suspect, the very thing that had kept them apart all these years.
She responded immediately: Thank you. You are the least selfish person I know. Can we talk soon? After we get home.
Yes.
Now she just needed to figure out what to say. How to convince him they belonged together.
Something she pondered the entire way home. Thankfully, Ashley and Kai held up the conversation, and if they noticed she and Cricket were quiet, they didn’t mention it. A short plane ride wasn’t near enough time to make sense of the last ten years.
She couldn’t even begin to decide how to move forward, but she had to try. Because no matter how she turned the conversation over in her mind, she could not see a way where Cricket hadn’t confessed his love for her. A huge part of her was overjoyed, but another part was more confused than ever. As the hours passed, her anxiety only increased. She felt like she had an opportunity here, but no concept of how to best capitalize on it.
Mother Nature granted her a brief respite. That night, only hours after they arrived back in R
ankins, the frozen skies finally opened. A massive two-day pileup of snow clogged streets, driveways, pathways and parking lots, briefly crimped work schedules and inconvenienced plans.
The weather system also dumped tons of snow in the mountains. Good news for both Snowy Sky Ski Resort and JB Heli-Ski. Bad news for baking day, which was put on hold. Hazel spent the day alternately contemplating her options, texting Iris and Seth—whose flight home had been delayed—reading the new ebook from her Secret Santa, snacking and catnapping with Mica.
The next morning, the snow was still falling but in a far less frantic, must-bury-the-world type of way. These were big fat lazy flakes that you could watch drift and dance for hours and never get bored. Curl-up-and-watch-a-Christmas-movie-by-a-crackling-fire-with-a-bottomless-mug-of-hot-chocolate weather. White-Christmas weather. Definitely not agonize-over-what-to-do-about-a-guy-because-you-have-nothing-but-time-on-your-hands weather.
Then again, if your name was Margaret “Happy Christmas” James, you would declare a snowstorm “optimal candy-making conditions.”
“This is perfect,” she announced, bustling around the kitchen gathering ingredients. “We’ll get a jump on the treat making. Candy takes up so much counter space and a huge chunk of time. We’ll be done before the roads clear enough for everyone else to get here to do the cookies.” Baking day would recommence in a few hours, and Hazel looked forward to the house filling with family.
Now she stirred the syrupy mixture on the stovetop and marveled over the brilliance of her mom’s plan. The smell alone was a comfort. And it felt good to be moving. To be doing something constructive, instead of wallowing in nervous indecision. Plus, it gave her time to ask her mom one of the many questions on her mind.
“Mom, do you remember when Cricket was a little kid and his brother, Lee, got sent to the detention center?”
“Yes, I certainly do.”
“His dad was in prison, right? When Lee was sent away? Where did Cricket go?”
Margaret, who was busy spreading butter on the sheet pans, looked confused for a second as if considering the question. “He didn’t go anywhere. He stayed here.”
“Here?” Hazel repeated. “You mean he lived with us?”
“Well, technically, you weren’t born yet, but yes, he did. I’ll never forget that day, going to the church to pick him up, and all he had was one tiny backpack. Barely anything in it. Just some clothes and that little toy airplane.”
“Airplane?” Hazel repeated, her heart aching all over again for the little boy she’d seen in that photo.
“Yep. Your dad had taken Cricket and Tag to the flight museum in Anchorage and bought them both toy airplanes. To Cricket, that airplane was a treasure. He rarely went anywhere without it.”
Hazel smiled. “I saw it on the sideboard in his dining room next to the photo of him and Tag when he first got his Cessna. There’s also a picture taken when he was a kid, of Cricket and Lee in front of the church.”
“Yes. I took that photo.” She poured almonds from a large bag into the food processor. “I found it not long ago and gave it to him. That was the day Lee left for the youth facility. The social worker arranged for him to say goodbye to Cricket. Lee was so brave and sweet to Cricket. Told him to be good and mind his manners and help me with the dishes...” Her words faded to a frown.
“He was with us for six months that first time. Then Frank was released. It ripped my heart out to let him go back with that man. I felt like I was losing my own child. I have so much respect for foster parents. Your dad talked to Frank about letting us keep him. We both did.” She pressed the power button, and the sound of grinding nuts temporarily halted her story.
“What happened?” Hazel asked when her mom had finished that task. The mixture began to boil like molten lava, reminding her of the Witch’s Pot. She wished she could show Cricket Montauk Caves. There were so many places she’d been to over the years that she’d enjoy sharing with him. “This is starting to thicken.”
Margaret peeked into the pot. “Looking good. Keep stirring. You know how it is—even bad parents love their children.” She tipped her head thoughtfully. “Most of them, anyway. Same with siblings. Lee loved Cricket the best he knew how. He had potential, too. Charming and funny and a gifted mechanic—even at that age, he was already fixing cars.
“Poor kid. Never had much of a chance with Frank as his role model. Unless they are exposed to something different, it’s difficult for kids to see their parents for who they are, and often by the time they do, it’s too late to alter their influence.”
Hazel felt another twist of sympathy.
“When the social worker came to get Cricket, he hugged me so tight. He was just clinging and trembling, trying not to cry. It was all I could do not to cry. I held him for a long time and told him that just because he wasn’t living under our roof didn’t mean that we didn’t want him. I knew his mom was gone, but I could be here for him. I promised that no matter where he was or what happened, I would always be his ‘other’ mom. When he and Tag were in school and Mother’s Day craft time came around, he always made his gift for me. Still gives me a Mother’s Day present every year.”
No wonder Cricket had so much love for her parents. She had an awful lot herself at that moment. The truth slammed into her like a freight train carrying a ton of bricks; Cricket might be worried about how Tag would handle him and Hazel as a couple, or what Hannah would think, or even how Shay, Seth and Iris would take the news. But he wasn’t nearly as concerned about them as he was about upsetting Margaret, and likely Ben, too.
“You said the first time?” she asked, now wanting to understand the entire picture.
“Yes. He stayed here several times over the years when Frank was in jail, and Lee was gone or vice versa—or both. Cricket was pretty much on his own by the time he was a teenager, and when he was seventeen, Frank got that five-year sentence.” She paused, thinking. “He never came back to Rankins after that, not to stay. Lee was gone by then, working on the North Slope.
“Cricket was firmly on a different path, thank goodness. He had his pilot certification not long after he graduated high school. I think it helped that he had that talent, that gift to focus on. It gave him the motivation and the confidence he needed.”
“Wow. I knew some of this, I guess, but I never really got it, you know? I didn’t understand the consequences.”
“You are ten years younger. As often happens with the baby of the family, everyone just assumes you know the history, too. But even if you do remember, it’s from a kid’s perspective, which can be rather skewed.”
“That’s so true,” Hazel said and then grinned. Tag, Shay and even Hannah often remembered things differently than she, Iris and Seth did.
“Although, I am a little surprised that the topic never came up for the two of you. You were so close there for a while.” Her mom surprised her with that look, the one she and Seth and Iris had long ago termed the “Mom knows” stare.
Her stomach tightened with a bout of teenage-style nerves. What the heck? “Mom,” she said slowly, “what are you talking about?”
“Oh, Hazel,” she said with a playful eye roll. “Did you honestly believe I didn’t know where you were going after track practice, after school and all that summer, before your shift at work, or when you left to hang out with unspecified friends?”
“Um, yes,” she answered primly. “That’s exactly what I thought. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I did. I said something to Cricket.”
“Mom! You did not!” Hazel felt her face go hot with mortification. “It’s been ten years, and I still can’t handle the humiliation.”
“Which is why I talked to him instead of you.”
“What did you say? Do I even want to know?”
Margaret laughed and began sprinkling the nuts onto the pans. “I told him that I could see you had a cr
ush on him, a serious one, and he needed to be careful.”
Hazel groaned and then stated with mock seriousness, “I had no idea you hated me that much.”
“Oh, hush,” Margaret said, still smiling. “There is no one on this earth aside from your father that I trust more than Cricket. I think Frank’s dishonesty made him go in the opposite direction. He promised me I could trust him, and that man’s word is like gold. That was all I needed to hear.”
Everything made so much more sense now. In addition to all the excuses about why they couldn’t be together, he’d also mentioned a promise, a broken promise. She’d always believed he was talking about Tag, about some sort of silly best-friends-don’t-date-sisters vow. That wasn’t what he’d meant, though. “Betraying” Tag would be bad enough, but letting down her mom would be so much worse in his mind.
“I thought the two of you would end up together someday. But you were so young, and I didn’t want it to be too soon. I hoped you’d go away to college, live a little and figure out what you wanted. And you did. All of that, in spades. I’m so proud of you, honey. You exceeded our expectations. But I always thought Cricket might end up in your final equation, too.”
Hazel nodded, gratitude and love welling inside of her. “Thank you, Mom. That’s so nice to hear. But to be honest, I’m still working on that last part—the figuring-things-out stuff.”
“Really? How so?” Across the kitchen, Margaret opened a drawer and retrieved a candy thermometer. “About time to check that.”
A part of her didn’t want to admit the truth because what if she and Cricket didn’t work out? But then again, what did she have to lose?
“I do want Cricket, Mom. You were right. I’ve always wanted him. And I’m pretty sure he wants me, too.”
“Oh, honey! That’s wonderful!” Then she paused, puzzled, processing the look on Hazel’s face. “Or it should be. What are you waiting for?”