by Julia Wolf
Not even myself.
Everything about Claire was good, including my memories. I’d like to think she had collected some good ones of me. If we cut this off now, we wouldn’t sully them. I’d leave her sweet, freckled face pure in my mind, like my grandparents’ house back in Georgia.
She’d move on, get her life together, find someone else—someone her age who wasn’t emotionally stunted and unable to give her everything she deserved.
The knife already lodged inside me twisted, stirring my guts into a mass of knots.
I opened my palms on my knees. “We had an agreement. Four weeks and we’d walk away.”
Marta nodded slowly. “So, nothing’s changed.”
She meant I hadn’t changed. Maybe I had, I didn’t know, but it wasn’t enough.
My phone started buzzing in my pocket. Not many people had the number, so I took it out, checking the screen. Isabela had texted.
Claire informed me of the incident tonight. I’m flying out tomorrow morning to handle everything. Try not to burn down the world or punch a grandpa before I get there.
“Iz is coming.”
Marta rolled her eyes. “Wonderful. What a perfect cherry on top of this shit sundae. What are you going to do, Dom?”
Groaning, I shoved my hands into my hair. “I’m going to do the right thing for once.”
It might possibly kill me, but I was going to do right by Claire, no matter what.
Chapter Thirty-six
Claire
When my bedroom door opened and Dominic quietly stepped inside, I’d been awake for a while, even though the sun had barely risen. He didn’t approach my bed like I’d braced myself for. Instead, in the dim light of dawn, he set down my suitcase and carry-on bag next to the door.
“Hey.”
His head jerked in my direction. “I didn’t mean to wake you. Sorry.”
“I was awake when you snuck in like a thief in the night.”
He ran his hand over the top of his head and blew out a puff of breath. “Bad night, huh?”
I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed. “It was. For you too?”
He stayed right by the door, folding his arms over his chest. “I didn’t do a lot of sleeping.”
“Why not?”
Part of me wanted him to say he couldn’t sleep without me. That he was miserable over his behavior last night. He’d been too worried about me to close his eyes even for a second. Another part of me, maybe the bigger part, feared he would say exactly that and what it would mean.
He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. I brought your things in here. Isabela’s coming, so I didn’t want her to see your clothes in my bedroom.”
A ton of bricks hit me square in the chest. I recognized Dominic’s flat, detached tone from when we first met. I understood his aloof demeanor and the context beneath what he was saying.
I stood up beside the bed, facing Dominic fully in my wrinkled dress and smeared makeup. “Will Isabela be spending time in your bedroom?”
He shrugged. “She goes where she wants. I don’t want our temporary arrangement to have lasting repercussions on your career.”
I moved closer, to the foot of the bed. “So, you and I are done now?”
One second went by, then he nodded, his eyes unreadable in this light. “With everything that happened…”
“What happened? Was it me telling you I want to keep seeing you, or you attacking Adam because he tried to kiss me? Or was it before that? Was it when you told me about Dylan and let me inside?”
He straightened, his body tightening. “Claire, you knew what this was. You’re not even divorced and you think you want something more with me? I’m an old, broken man, baby. This isn’t your stop. You have to keep riding on.”
I knew he was right, but he pissed me off. I wasn’t ready, and neither was he, but I also wasn’t closed off to something more. The difference between us was I saw myself as a work in progress, and he viewed himself as a factory reject, destined to be tossed aside as imperfect and unworthy.
I stepped up to him so he could look me in the eye when he told me he didn’t want me anymore. I wouldn’t put up a fight or yell or scream, but I expected honesty, just as he’d demanded from me all along.
“You know, I kept thinking you were the right person, but our timing was off.”
Dominic’s nostrils flared, but he kept every other reaction tightly locked down.
I laid my hand on his taut forearm. “You once told me it was easy to mistake need for love, and I’m beginning to think that’s what I’ve done with you. You came into my life when I needed what you offered, and I thought I was falling. I see how easy it would be to confuse the two feelings.” I slid my hand down his arm to rest on top of his. “Thank you for giving me what I needed. And thank you even more for reminding me never to settle. When I do fall in love, it will be with someone who unquestioningly loves me back in every way.”
He opened his rough palm and squeezed my fingers. “You deserve that. The moon and the stars and the whole fucking universe.”
I gently shoved him away from me. “I know.”
His exhale was heavy. “You’re going, aren’t you?”
“I don’t think I’m needed here anymore. Isabela will take care of you.”
I’d said the last part with more venom than necessary, but as hurt as I was, I was also pissed. Dominic Cantrell was a coward, and I was getting really tired of cowardly men.
He backed up to the doorway. “This isn’t how I pictured us ending. I’m sorry it has to go like this.”
The funny thing was, I’d never pictured our ending. Not that I was naive enough to think we’d last forever, but the ending was never the thing I’d concentrated on.
“It didn’t have to go like this. Life doesn’t just happen to you.” I kneeled beside my bags, searching for something to wear other than this dress. I’d burn this dress if I had access to an open flame. I certainly wouldn’t be wearing it again.
“You’re right.” He tapped on the doorframe. “I’m sorry anyway.”
When I looked up from my bag, he was gone. If I stopped moving, I’d fall apart, and that wasn’t an option. Not here. So, I booked a last-minute flight home, then I showered, dressed, and slipped my feet into my favorite rose gold oxfords.
The condo was quiet and empty when I wheeled my suitcase through. My steps didn’t stutter even once when I left, pulling the door shut behind me.
When my plane lifted off and the city of Chicago lay beneath me, I gave it the middle finger as a last goodbye. My husband’s affair in this city had shattered me. Silly me, a few months later, I came back to be kicked in the teeth by Dominic Cantrell. My lesson had been well and truly learned this time. Chicago and I were officially through. No more men who couldn’t find it within themselves to rise up and be better. No more settling for lukewarm. Once my bruises healed, I’d rise up and be better.
I needed just a little Annaliese time before any of that happened. She waited at the airport for me with open arms, which I fell into with a deep sigh of relief.
“You’re going to be so good,” she murmured into my hair.
“I know.”
Even though I ached all over from missing him, I wouldn’t let myself stumble. Never, ever again.
Annaliese took my bag on her shoulder and my hand in hers. “Let’s go home, baby.”
Chapter Thirty-seven
Claire
I walked down a row of evergreens with a hose in hand, giving them a gentle shower. The Seasons Change played on my earbuds, and the sun shined through the open roof of my sister’s nursery.
This gig wasn’t so bad. I’d been working here a week and hadn’t killed a plant yet. And Annaliese kept me so busy, I didn’t have time to focus on the ache in my chest.
That happened at night, when I curled up in my closet-room, alone in my little bed. That was when I missed Dominic so badly, it took my breath away. A week’s absence had done nothing to lessen t
he intensity of my loss. I wasn’t falling apart like I had when I left Derrick. This was different. This was heartbreak.
A tap on my shoulder startled me into dropping my hose, which got back at me by spraying me in the face. Shrieking, I snatched it off the ground, pointing it away from me, and whirled around to find Marta cracking up.
I turned the hose off and yanked out my earbuds, both stupefied and thrilled.
“What?” I screeched.
“Did you really think you could walk outta my life forever, kidlet?” Without hesitation, she gathered me into a tight hug. “I missed your freaking face.”
“Missed you too.” Tears of relief pricked my eyes.
She pulled back, giving me a long once-over. “I know you said you needed a little room, but I’m a self-centered bitch, okay? I needed to see you.”
Marta had texted me by the time I got to the airport, frantic to find me gone from the condo. I had told her I needed to go quiet for a while, but that she hadn’t done anything wrong.
“I’m glad you’re a self-centered bitch because I needed to see you too.” I spread my arms. “My new boss cracks the whip, but it’s not such a bad place to work, is it?”
Marta tucked her hands in the pockets of her jeans. “If you’re happy, then I am too.”
I sighed, my shoulders rolling forward. “I’m not happy, but I do like working here.”
“Aw, Claire. Shit, I’m sorry. Does it help to know he’s a miserable fuck right now? Like, more miserable than usual?”
Pressing my lips in a tight line, I shook my head. Knowing that didn’t help at all.
Marta knocked on her forehead. “I’m stupid and terrible at consoling apparently. That topic is closed. I get it.”
I tried to laugh instead of cry. “Who could have predicted I’d become attached to the man I spent every waking and sleeping moment with for almost two months?”
“I could have.”
Marta and I turned at the sound of my sister’s voice. She stepped closer, that same sympathetic expression she’d been giving me all week plastered on her face. Annaliese could be funny and sarcastic, but when it came down to it, she was a soft place to land for anyone who needed it—especially me.
“And you didn’t warn me?” I asked.
Annaliese curled her arm around my shoulders. “Are you going to introduce me to your friend?”
“This is Marta. Marta, my sister, Annaliese.”
Marta gave me an eyebrow raise, then she leaned in and gave Annaliese a quick hug.
“So, you’re the sister Claire said I reminded her of.”
Annaliese glanced at her, then at me with a purely skeptical expression. Marta had on her signature all-black clothes with platform boots and dramatic makeup while Annaliese wore cargo pants, a T-shirt that said, “Garden Gangster,” and a pink bandana in her hair.
“Not looks. Personality,” I clarified.
Her arm tightened around me. “It’s lovely to meet you. You were the person Claire mentioned second most often when she was away.”
Marta grinned at both of us. “That is one of the many reasons why Claire is my favorite person. Also, the two of you are more than adorable together. It feels all sistah-power up in here all of the sudden.”
My sister had the audacity to wink at Marta. “We can be a terrible twosome or a dream team. Depends on the day.” She glanced at me again. “Is Marta coming to dinner with us?”
I bumped her with my hip. “I don’t know. I haven’t asked her.”
Marta gave an exaggerated nod. “Yes, Marta is down for dinner.”
* * *
Dinner was at the little Mexican hole-in-the-wall down the street from Annaliese’s apartment. We sat on the patio, drinking margaritas and catching up on what life was like outside of the madness of touring.
“No more public relations for you? You’re a gardener now?” Marta teased.
I laughed around the sip of margarita in my mouth. “Annaliese was kind enough to hire me, but it’s a temporary thing. I actually have an interview next week, but I’m keeping quiet for now.”
When I got home from Chicago, I’d tendered my resignation with Isabela. I couldn’t picture being able to work for her, and I had a feeling she’d fire me anyway since I’d left without notice. The following day, she’d emailed, assuring me she’d provide a stellar recommendation to my next employer. I hadn’t expected that, and knew Dominic was behind it, which only broke my heart further. He was still taking care of me, even after giving me up without a backward glance.
What was I supposed to do with that? How was I supposed to get over a man like that?
Annaliese knocked on the wooden table. “My Claire isn’t meant for manual labor. She’s an office and adorable shoes kind of girl.”
Marta peeked at my muddy sneakers under the table. “I miss the shiny pink shoes.”
I sighed. “Me too. They’re going to make a comeback soon.”
“I’m relieved to hear that. Really relieved.” Marta held my gaze. “He’s my best friend, like my ride or die, but I’ve been so angry at him, thinking he might have torn you apart because he has chosen to be a disaster.”
“He broke my heart.” I lifted a shoulder. “But nothing is unfixable.”
“I wish he understood that.” She sounded as frustrated with Dominic as I had been.
Annaliese touched my arm. “When Claire was twelve, we fostered a kitten. My parents made it clear to all of us we weren’t keeping it. We had a dog already, and we were only taking care of the kitten until it had a permanent home. Claire swore up and down she didn’t even like cats. But every day, she fell more in love with that kitten, until she begged our parents to let her keep it. By then, they’d already found a family to take it. There was no chance for the cat to be ours, but even knowing that, she still snuggled with that kitten every night. The day it went to live with its new family, Claire’s heart was broken into little bits.”
I shook my head. “I still miss Floofs. He was the sweetest kitten, and I really don’t like cats. But I don’t see the point of reliving this story.”
She took my hand in hers. “My point is you’re incapable of closing your heart, even when you want to. You aren’t made that way. You, baby girl, were built to fall. It’s just who you are.”
I groaned. “So, I’m destined to wind up here again? And where was this little piece of knowledge when you were advising me on the ill-advised dick?”
Annaliese threw her hands up. “I didn’t realize you didn’t understand the concept of a quick fling! You had to go and cohabitate with him…”
The only thing I could do was laugh. “Oh god, I’m terrible at this. What type of woman leaves the only man she’s ever been with and falls in love with her rebound?”
Annaliese pointedly raised her eyebrows. “You, babe.”
Marta leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table. “You fell in love with him?”
“I don’t think I’d ache this way for something less than love,” I answered. “But please don’t say anything to him.”
She pressed a hand to her chest. “I won’t. I’m just...I’m sorry he couldn’t be better.”
“Me too. But it’s probably for the best. I have to deal with my ex, get a new job, land on my own two feet. As much as I’m hurting, I need this time.”
And still, the thought right person, wrong time echoed in my mind.
Marta drummed her hands on the table. “I, for one, cannot wait to watch you take flight. I will be doing that watching from the couch while I take two weeks’ vacay. There will most likely be a lot of chip crumbs all over me too, but that won’t stop me from cheering you on.”
Annaliese burst out laughing like Marta was the funniest person she’d ever met, and my belly warmed, especially when Marta’s cheeks pinkened so furiously, she pretended to look at something fascinating off to the side.
Eventually, Annaliese excused herself to use the restroom, and Marta pounced.
“Okay, your
sister is gorgeous. Is it going to be weird for me to ask her for her number?”
I shook my head, happier in that moment than I’d been in ages. “It won’t be weird in any way. I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.”
“All right, all right. This is why you’ll always be my favorite.” She tossed a chip at me. “I have one other thing to say about Dominic, then I’ll drop it.”
I tossed the chip back. “Fine. Go for it.”
“I met him right after Dylan passed. At first, I thought he was this gigantic asshole—and he was—but he was also an angry man wracked with guilt. He didn’t want to enjoy life since Dylan wasn’t here to enjoy his own. The shit with Isabela only made it worse. He just disappeared behind her for a while.” She shuddered. “He’s been crawling out of that hole. It’s slow, so slow, I don’t even think he knows he’s doing it, but I see it.”
A sharp pain stabbed at my chest. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I want you to know you did nothing wrong. Your picker isn’t off. Dominic is a deeply wonderful man. If he could, he’d rip his heart out to replace your broken one. He thinks he did right by you in breaking up with you. And maybe he’s right, even though the way he did it sucked. Because I think you’re a deeply wonderful woman, Claire, but I don’t think you’re in a place to be what Dominic needs. Not right now.”
“Right person, wrong time,” I whispered.
Marta got up from her chair and bent down to hug me tight. “Maybe. But you both have some work to do if that’s true.”
* * *
Two nights later, while Annaliese and Marta were out on their first date, I received a text from Dominic. And in a way, I wasn’t surprised.
He’d forwarded me the picture Marta had texted him of her and my sister, their rosy cheeks pressed together, smiles dancing in their eyes.
Dominic: Marta hasn’t spoken to me in days, then this. Is she defecting? I don’t blame her.