“I guess she thinks that I’m really crazy, Dad.”
Peter frowned at his daughter. “You don’t need to get sarcastic with me, young lady.”
“Sorry, Dad,” Melissa mumbled as she berated herself for letting her father make her feel inadequate once again.
“I’m sure the doctor will cut back on the appointments once she gets to know Melissa,” Greta said to her husband. “Besides, Melissa needs to do something to get out of this funk she has been in.”
Funk, Melissa thought. They have absolutely no idea.
“I read somewhere that psychiatrists sometimes give homework to their patients. Did Dr. Foster give you some homework?” Greta asked.
“As a matter of fact I do have an assignment to do,” she answered.
“Homework?” Peter snorted. “She should be going to college and doing homework from there,” Peter stated to his wife.
Melissa ignored her father. “I’ll have to get started on the work after I put the baby to bed.”
“Oh, I can do that for you, Melissa. I hardly ever get to put her to bed.” Greta looked over at her granddaughter who was happily eating mashed potatoes and gravy. “I will read her a long story and she will probably fall asleep before I ever get it finished,” Greta remarked.
“Thanks, Mom. I appreciate that. I think I’ll go get started now.” Melissa stood up and kissed her daughter on the forehead. “You be a good girl for Oma.”
* * *
In her bedroom, Melissa pulled an old shoebox out of the back of her closet. She tucked it under her arm, grabbed a pad and pen from her desk and sat down on her bed. She laid the pad and pen next to her and rubbed her hand over the shoebox before she gently placed it on the bed. She lifted the lid and pulled out the letters from Stefan. She noticed that they were well worn from years of re-reading them. She took the first letter out of its envelope and began
reading.
Dear Melissa:
I am writing this letter while sitting in my bedroom looking at a picture
of us. You only left this morning, but I am missing you so very much.
I fear these next twenty-eight months are going to be very long indeed.
But all I have to do is look at some pictures of you, and I am able to find
the strength to make it through this time. What did your family say
when you told them of our plans? I hope that they were as happy as my
family. I know that you begin university next week and that you will be
very busy with schoolwork and studying, but I will patiently wait for
your letters. Take care of yourself. Know that I love you very much,
and I am thinking of you all the time.
Love with all my heart,
Stefan
Melissa wiped a tear from her cheek. She picked up the pad and pen and began to write.
I still cry when I read the first letter from Stefan. I received this letter
after I was home for about eight days. I was so happy to get it. I
remember that I re-read it several times and told my best friend,
Valerie, all about it. She was so happy for me especially since over the
same summer she met a great guy named Dennis Rogers. They are now
married and have a child of their own. I also remember that I was so
upset about how my own family was reacting to my news of Stefan and
our plans that I did not even answer this letter. I feel ashamed of that.
Stefan was writing to me on the day that I left Germany, but I didn’t
even answer the letter.
Melissa put the pad and pen down on her bed and returned the first letter to its envelope. She picked up Stefan’s second letter, tenderly removed it from the envelope and began to read.
My dear Melissa:
I have not received a letter from you yet. Are you all right? I hope that
nothing is wrong. I tried to call you but when someone answers they
just hang up on me. At this time, my imagination runs away with me.
I fear that you have changed your mind about coming back to Germany
and to me. I hope that this is not true. I think about you all of the time.
I miss you so much. I imagine how busy you are at university, and I tell
myself that this is the reason why you have not written to me yet. I am
also busy finishing up my studies in university. I will leave for the
army in about three months. I am looking forward to serving my
country, but more than that, I am looking forward to leaving the army
because that is when you will come back to Germany and we will be
married. My mother is already talking about the wedding plans. Is your
mother excited about the wedding? Women can be so funny about
those things. (I hope you know that I do not mean any harm in this
sentence!)
I went to a party last night at Rolf’s parents’ home. All of our friends
were there, but it seemed so lonely without you. I cannot wait until we
can go to parties together once again.
That is all for now. Know that I love you and miss you so much. Please
write me as soon as your schoolwork permits.
Love with all my heart,
Stefan
With tears in her eyes, Melissa stood up and grabbed a tissue from her dressing table. My poor Stefan, she thought. How could I have done what I did to you? Melissa wiped her tears and blew her nose. She pulled a few more tissues from the box and sat back down on her bed. She picked up her pad and pen and began to write.
This letter still makes me cry. It shows how much Stefan loved me.
How could I have hurt him? He deserved much better than I ever gave
him. I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. I ruined my life
at the age of eighteen. Nothing will ever be the same for me. I know
that I’ll never feel that kind of love again.
Melissa put her pen and pad back down. She carefully picked up Stefan’s letters to put them back in the shoebox. As she looked into the box, she saw the rough draft of the letter she sent to him. She remembered how many times she started and stopped that letter. Melissa lifted the letter out of the box and read it as well.
Dear Stefan:
This is the hardest letter that I have ever written. I don’t know quite
where to begin. I will not be returning to Germany in two years to
marry you. I have thought about this, and I believe that it is for the best
if we do not contact each other anymore.
I feel that the things we said to each other were not true. We are both
very young and what we shared this summer was nothing more than a
summer fling or infatuation. We need to move on and just keep the
memories of this past summer as something that we can recall fondly.
It was a good time, but we do not love each other.
I do not love you.
Goodbye,
Melissa
Melissa sat and stared at the letter while tears streamed down her cheeks. She picked up the tissues, wiped her eyes, and blew her nose again. She took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down. Melissa picked up her pen and pad and began to write.
I still can’t believe that I actually sent this letter to Stefan. The letter is
full of lies. I did love him. I still love him. I remember the telephone
call I received from Brigitte two weeks after I sent the letter to Stefan.
Brigitte was furious with me and rightly so. She told me that Stefan
was devastated by my letter. She went on to tell me that Stefan sat in
his dark bedroom listening to Beatles records over and over. He told
Rolf that listening to the Beatles made him feel closer to me. My poor
Stefan. How I hurt him. I hat
e myself for what I’ve done to him. But I
also hate my parents and sister for forcing me to do it. I remember how
happy they all were when I wrote that letter to Stefan. It still makes me
feel sick to my stomach every time I think about it.
Melissa threw the pen and pad down on the floor. She lay down on her bed and cried into her pillow as she had every night all those years ago. She thought about how wonderful her life could have turned out if she would have gone back to Germany and back to Stefan. She thought about how she spent the last six years of her life and she cried even harder.
After what seemed like hours, Melissa finally sat up, wiped her eyes and blew her nose. She took another deep breath and took the only picture that was left of Stefan out of the shoebox. It was taken one night in the local pub in Knauppshausen. Melissa was wearing a white peasant blouse which showed off the tan she got that summer. Stefan was wearing a black tee shirt which made his blue eyes look even a shade lighter. They were holding hands
and smiling into the camera. It was obvious to everyone that they were very much in love with each other.
An hour later, Melissa finally put the shoebox with the picture and letters back into her closet. She wiped her eyes one more time and quietly left the safety of her bedroom to say good night to her daughter.
Chapter 10
Three days later, Melissa was sitting in the same seat in front of Dr. Foster’s desk for her second appointment.
“Did you complete your assignment, Melissa?” Dr. Foster asked.
“Yes, I brought the letters with me, along with my responses and feelings to the letters.”
“Good. Would you like to read it all to me?”
She shook her head. “I don’t think I want to read Stefan’s letters again. It’s just too painful.”
“Okay. Would you mind if I read his letters and your responses? Then we can discuss them.”
“Okay.” Melissa handed the letters and responses to Dr. Foster. While she read the letters, Melissa studied her psychiatrist. She guessed Dr. Foster to be in her mid-40’s. She had brown hair with a hint of gray which she wore in a fashionable bob and expressive hazel eyes that were now hidden by glasses that she wore to read the letters. Melissa admired the stylish blue suit the doctor was wearing.
“Okay,” Dr. Foster said as she sat the letters on her desk. She took her glasses off and gently laid them on the desk. “Let’s go over the first letter that Stefan wrote to you. You wrote in your response that you felt ashamed that you did not write to him after you received the first letter. Why didn’t you respond to it?”
“I didn’t know what to write. My parents and sister were getting on me about Stefan almost every day. It seemed like we couldn’t get through a meal without the subject being brought up.”
Dr. Foster nodded. “Okay. Now for the second letter Stefan sent to you. You wrote that you ruined your life at the age of eighteen. What did you mean by that?”
“I meant because I knew that I could not go back to Germany and marry Stefan. I knew then that my parents would never permit it.”
“I see. Now let’s go over the letter you sent to Stefan. Tell me what you were thinking when you wrote that letter and how you felt when you mailed it.”
“I wrote him the letter because I knew that my parents would not let me go to Germany to be with Stefan. I was so tired of feeling like I was the one that was making my parents’ lives miserable. My mother cried all the time and my father blamed me for it. He just about ignored me until I sent that letter. They were so happy when I told them I sent a letter to Stefan telling him that I was not going back to Germany to be with him. I cried myself to sleep for weeks.
I lost interest in everything. My best friend, Valerie, tried to set me up with other guys, but I just wasn’t interested. I only wanted Stefan.”
“How old were you when you sent the letter to Stefan?” Dr. Foster inquired.
“I told you, I was eighteen.”
“Yes. And in this country the legal adult age is eighteen, Melissa. You could have gone back to Germany and to Stefan if you wanted to.” Dr. Foster waited for her reaction to that statement.
“If I wanted to!” she exclaimed. Melissa stood up and walked over to the window. She spun around and stared at Dr. Foster. With tears in her eyes and her voice, she said, “I did want to. I wanted to go back to Stefan more than I’ve ever wanted anything. But I couldn’t do that to my parents. I owed that to them.”
“You owed what to your parents.”
“I owed them loyalty. They’ve done so much for me over the years; sending me to private school and taking care of me.”
“Melissa, that’s what parents are supposed to do, take care of their children. But they shouldn’t expect the children to give up what they want in life, especially when that child is now an adult.”
Melissa hugged herself as she stood looking at Dr. Foster. She turned back to the window and looked out at the clear blue sky. A blue sky that was so much like the color of Stefan’s eyes. She smiled wistfully to herself and slowly turned back to Dr. Foster. Melissa quietly said, “You know I did go back to Germany.”
“No, I didn’t know. When was that?”
“Three years later.” She crossed the room and took a seat once again in front of Dr. Foster’s desk. “Valerie and Dennis were getting married in September 1988, so she and I went to Germany for two weeks for a girl’s last fling. Of course, Valerie saw right through that. She knew that I was using the excuse of her upcoming marriage as a way to get back to Germany. And the wonderful friend that she is, she didn’t mind one bit.”
“And did you see Stefan while you were there?”
Melissa’s eyes clouded over. “Yes,” she said darkly. “Valerie and I were at a festival when my cousin Brigitte told me that Stefan met someone the previous year and they were married a few months later. At that very moment, Stefan and his wife, Elke, walked into the festival tent. You should have seen her. She’s beautiful with long blonde hair and big, brown doe eyes. Everything that I’m not and never will be. I wanted to die right on the spot.”
“Did you talk to Stefan?”
“Yes, we spoke for a few minutes the night that I met his wife. I was leaving the festival after only being there for an hour. I just couldn’t take seeing Stefan anymore. My heart was breaking just seeing him with Elke.” Melissa shuddered at the memory. “I made an excuse to Valerie and my family and I quickly left. When I walked out of the tent, I walked right into him. He was alone and asked me how I was. Can you believe that? My heart was ripped to shreds and he was asking me how I was.”
“Stefan didn’t know how you still felt about him,” Dr. Foster gently reminded Melissa.
She sighed. “Yes, I know. But I was so upset that I played it real cool with him. I told him how happy I was for him and his bride. He asked me about my life, and I told him that I was doing well in college and dating a few different men, which was a complete lie. Stefan said that he was happy for me and then we said good-bye.” Melissa looked away and with a tear in her eye said, “I haven’t seen him since then.”
“How do you feel about that?”
She shook her head. “Terrible.” Melissa faced Dr. Foster again. “When I got home from Germany, I completely changed my life.”
“In what way did you change your life?”
“I dropped out of college with only one year left to graduate, and I began working as a receptionist for a construction company. That’s how I met Jack.”
“Jack? Who’s Jack?”
“My husband and the father of my daughter,” Melissa simply answered.
Dr. Foster looked curiously at her patient. “Tell me about your life with Jack.”
“Jack’s twelve years older than me and my family didn’t like him from the start. But by that time I really didn’t care what my family thought anymore. Jack and I dated for eleven months when I found out that I was pregnant. My parents were very disappointed, but m
y father insisted that Jack and I marry. My parents bought us a condo in the same building that they live in which infuriated Jack. He said that my father was trying to throw his money around and rub Jack’s nose in the fact that he’s only a construction worker and out of work some of the time.”
Dr. Foster studied her patient. “Why is Jack out of work some of the time?”
“Well, the construction business is seasonal at best. And sometimes Jack doesn’t make it to work in time and he gets fired from a job. But he always finds another job eventually.”
“Why is Jack late for work?”
“Jack works very hard and after a long day, he likes to come home, have a few beers and unwind. I guess sometimes he has more than a few beers and he can’t get up in the morning to be at work on time.”
After a moment, Dr. Foster carefully asked, “By any chance is Jack abusive?”
Melissa was taken aback. She slowly nodded her head. “How did you know?”
“I see a lot of abuse cases in my practice and my volunteer work at a local shelter for abused women. When did the abuse begin?”
“Jack and I were dating for about two months when one night he was drunk and he hit me and pushed me. But the next day he apologized profusely and gave me flowers.”
Dr. Foster frowned as she wrote something on her pad. “Did the abuse stop there?”
“No.” Melissa sighed. “But it only takes place when Jack drinks.”
‘Classic battered wife symptoms’ Dr. Foster wrote on her pad. “How often does the drinking happen?”
“It doesn’t happen anymore.”
“No? Is Jack in Alcoholics Anonymous?”
“No. He’s dead,” Melissa stated matter-of-factly.
“He’s dead? When did he die?”
“Two months ago.”
“I see. Is that why your family thinks that ‘you’ve lost it’?”
Melissa shrugged her shoulders. “Yes. My mother and sister have asked me several times why I haven’t cried for Jack. My father says that I’m better off without him.”
I Will Always Love You Page 4