“Okay,” Rebecca handed me a steaming mug of coffee. After taking a sip I had to admit the caramel was a welcome addition. “If Rita vouches for you that’s good enough for me, I pay $9.50 an hour, cash. The store is open six days a week, but we won’t jump in and work you straight into a grave. How about Tuesday to Saturday, 8 till 5?” I nodded. It was more hours than I anticipated and it meant I wouldn’t have to find a second job. Rebecca smiled. “I always allow room for mistakes, but I expect you to learn from them. Me, I will never learn from my mistakes, I’m a gluten for punishment who needs my damn head examined, but hell, I’m the boss so I’m allowed.” At that moment I wondered if she was talking about mistakes in the shop or life in general. Her eyes became a little distant and cloudy and she seemed somewhat sad. “So, one mistake, we deal, two we get pissed, third time, you’re out.” She shook off her dejected moment and gave me a carefree smile.
“What would I be doing?” I wondered aloud. It really didn’t matter, I wanted the job, but it seemed appropriate to ask.
“Oh you know, the usual, shining my shoes, giving me hourly massages, pressing my linen.” I stared at her skeptically.
“Will I be feeding your horse as well my lady?” I joked and Rebecca laughed loudly.
“Oh Ella, we are going to get along just fine. My servant boy will attend to the horse, you can clean, serve customers, answer the phone, normal stuff. It would be nice if you could help me with some arrangements. Nothing too tricky to begin with, maybe some pruning and binding bouquets.” I couldn’t dance for shit, but at that moment I wanted to boogie around the store like an adolescent fool screaming hallelujah! Instead I settled for a more reserved nod and said, “When can I start?”
Rebecca put me to work immediately and by five o’clock I was exhausted. I’d woken before five A.M and I had worked without a break. My own fault, I was told to take two breaks, but I was too nervous to eat. Rebecca locked the door behind us and smiled.
“I don’t really care what you wear to work you will always have the apron over it anyway, but make sure you wear your hair back tomorrow. You will be working with some pretty sharp scissors and pruning clippers. We don’t want you accidentally cutting any of that beautiful hair off.” I nodded but the thought of wearing my hair up kind of unnerved me a little. It had become an important part of concealing the ‘real’ Ella, if I was to wear it up I might as well have been strolling down the street naked. The thought terrified me, but I really wanted this job. It was such a good job.
“No problem,” I murmured.
“You want a lift anywhere?” No way in hell was I going to ask my new boss to drop me off at a shelter for abused women.
“No, I’m good. I’m not far from here and I like to walk. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Rebecca jumped in her car and disappeared down the street. I pulled on my beanie and began the walk back to the shelter. It was an easy fifteen minute stroll at most, but I was tired. I hadn’t eaten more than a chocolate bar all day and my stomach growled angrily for food. I even felt a little light headed. The closer I got to the shelter, the dizzier I became and as I reached the front door, I faltered as the world around me swooped and spun.
“Angel?” I don’t know if it was the shock of his voice or the fact that I was dead on my feet, but everything promptly went black.
The first thing I realized was I was on the ground, no mistaking the cold, icy pavement under my back. My body automatically tensed. Had I been hit? Had Marcus found me; was he here to finish me off? Was he waiting for my eyes to open, waiting for me to find consciousness so that I would not miss the next blow? I couldn’t stop the shiver that racked my body and it had nothing to do with the seeping cold radiating from under me. Then three simple words brought me back, three simple words penetrated the cold and chased away the ghosts.
“You’re safe Ella.” It was Jax, his voice firm but at the same time gentle, reassuring. “Come on angel, open those pretty brown eyes for me.” Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind I didn’t want to. I was afraid, embarrassed. But that soothing voice demanded my compliance, and slowly I opened my eyes. For a moment the world spun and I thought it might go dark again. Then I saw Jax, kneeling above me, a grin pulling the corner of his mouth into a cheeky smile. “There we go. And don’t worry you’re not the first woman around here to faint on me. Usually they’re screaming blue bloody murder for me to get the fuck away though.” I didn’t want him away. I wanted him closer. It had been a long time since I had let a man that close, in fact, it was before I had run from Marcus and you could hardly have called him a man. He had really been a boy at seventeen years old, very drunk and highly inexperienced, who definitely gave me no pleasure, not even a cuddle once it was over. I wondered if Jax could give me what those boys had been unable too. I wondered if he could give me the care my life had long missed, I wondered if he could give me the safety I had been unable to find. But what frightened me even more was the sudden craving for the type of connection you could only get with an emotional and physical joining. Love, the deep, happily ever after, you are mine and I am yours kind of love. It was something I had been denied, it was something I continued to deny myself. But lying here now with Jax by my side, I wanted all that and I wanted it badly.
“Does your wife know you make women faint?” I wondered out loud. Where the hell had that come from? I was mortified, and Jax grinned, a big grin, dimples and all.
“No doubt, if I had a wife she would be most impressed. Fortunately, I am not married.” Oh God, I almost sighed out loud. “Do you think you can sit up?” I didn’t want to, but I tried. Whoa, quit with the spinning already. Jax chuckled. “Okay, take it easy.” His hands pulled me back down again. “When was the last time you ate?”
“I had a chocolate bar at ten this morning.” Jax stared at me.
“That was it?” He almost yelled and I winced. Yelling was a trigger. His big hands soothed my hair back from my face. Shit, my hair. I froze, unable to move or speak. I knew he had seen it when his thumb gently traced the small scar. “Angel, you need more food than a chocolate bar. You should have stayed for breakfast at least.” Before I had time to realize what was happening, Jax had my backpack slung over his shoulder and he was lifting me from the ground. I tensed but held on to him none-the-less. His body was hard and warm and he smelled freaken amazing. With every ounce of stealth I possessed I leaned in a little closer and took a deep wiff, hoping to god he didn’t notice the crazy girl in his arms sniffing him like a damned dog. His arms felt like a cradle of comfort and protection as Jax carried me through the doorway into Mercy’s shelter.
“What happened?” Came the same steady sure voice I had met this morning. A small blonde woman with pretty gray eyes strolled towards us and I could see she was worried. She had a comfortable confidence in her movements, I envied that.
“She fainted. She hasn’t eaten today.” Jax sounded slightly pissed and the woman gave me a frown that told me she wasn’t happy either.
“I had a chocolate bar,” I quietly argued.
“While I understand the importance of chocolates and sweets in a diet, it’s not enough angel. Ella, this is Mercy, my mother.” He introduced me to the concerned tiny woman who stood before us. Jax had her eyes, and when she smiled I noticed the dimples, one and the same. Lord only knows where he got his height from, no doubt his father.
“Well as much as I’m sure you would like to stand there all day holding her, go get her fed.” Mercy chuckled. “I’m on my way out, perhaps we’ll talk tomorrow Ella?” She said to me and winked at Jax. I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk. Talking usually meant revealing things that I tried hard to keep to myself. Jax was now carrying me through the shelter and gaining the much unwelcome attention of the few women who still occupied Mercy’s during the day. Once we reached the kitchen, he carefully lowered me to a stool.
“You’re not going to fall down again are you?” I shook my head. I still felt light headed, but I was fairly confident I was not about to faint
again. Jax dropped my backpack at my feet and quickly turned to busy himself at the fridge. “Where’ve you been today?” He asked. I pulled my hair back over my face, hiding.
“I had to go see someone about a job. She wanted me to start right away.” Jax stopped what he was doing and turned to face me, curiosity carved into his handsome features.
“You got a job?” His words rubbed me up the wrong way. Did I look so helpless that I couldn’t get a job? Perhaps he thought I was stupid or something. I hadn’t graduated school, I had missed too much in my final few years to warrant a graduation, but when I was there, when I cared, I did well. I also read a lot. I loved books almost as much as I loved sketching. I could have been or done anything with my life, before he stole my dreams.
“Yes, I got a job. I am capable of taking care of myself as much as having to find refuge in a shelter contradicts that idea. Now that I’m working I will be able to concentrate on finding an apartment. I haven’t really spent that much time living in shelters. The lack of privacy kinda’ pisses me off.” Jax chuckled.
“Sorry Angel, I didn’t mean any disrespect. I’m sure you’re more than capable of taking care of yourself. I just know there isn’t a lot of work around at the moment. A few of the women who have been living here of late have had trouble finding a job.” His words were not said with mockery.
“Well, I’ve never really had any trouble finding work. Washing dishes, sweeping floors, packing shelves. I’m not afraid of hard work or taking the dirty jobs that other people don’t want. But this time I had a friend who knew someone here. They put in a word for me.” Jax nodded and resumed to fixing me what looked like a sandwich. He brought it to the counter and placed it down in front of me.
“Mary gets in soon. When she does she will start fixing dinner. Have this now though, you need something in your system so you don’t faint on me again,” He grinned and grabbed two cans of coke from the fridge pushing one towards me. “So, where are you working?” He sat directly across from me and I found I couldn’t hide from his penetrating gaze. I was nervous under his scrutiny.
“Bouquets, down town.” Jax smiled.
“Rebecca Donovan, she’s a good person, donates to the shelter yearly. You will be the envy of all the women in here. Her store is warm and apparently it smells good.” I couldn’t help but smile at the memory. Yes, it did. Jax’s smile turned into a slight frown. “Perhaps you shouldn’t tell any of the other women just yet. They might get a little jealous.” I nodded. I had no intention of telling any of them anyway. I rarely made friends in the shelters. I never stuck around long enough to make friends.
“I just need to stay a couple more nights and then I will get out of your hair. I get my first paycheck at the end of week and I will look for an apartment or share house right away.” Jax shook his head.
“Stay as long as you need angel. We have the room. Like I told you last night, today we’ve got two spare beds. Annie and Eli will be out of here in another week.” I was glad they were getting out of here. No child should have to live in a shelter, regardless of how nice it was. “They’ve been here nearly a month now. Eli’s a good kid, he will do well in his own space,” said Jax. I agreed, kids needed a space of their own, a place that didn’t comprise of thirteen homeless women plus staff.
“You know, I’d like to earn my keep while I am here. I can’t cook but I can clean. Maybe I could help around the shelter for a few hours at night?” Jax shook his head.
“You don’t need to do that.” I had almost finished the sandwich and I was feeling much better, stronger, more determined.
“Clearly, but I want to. I am more than capable of pulling my own weight, and to be honest, I like to keep busy.” Jax considered that for a moment then nodded.
“Alright, I know Mercy would be grateful for the help. Mary did most the laundry last night, there is a tone of linen to fold and put away. You can help me clean up the kitchen. I can’t cook for shit either, so I always get clean up duty. I would appreciate the help.” I finished the sandwich and rinsed my plate.
“If you point me in the direction of that washing I will get it sorted before dinner.” Jax showed me to the laundry and soon after disappeared, leaving me to the large pile of towels and sheets.
Later that night, after my belly was full and I was feeling more alive than I had felt in the last four years, I helped Jax tidy the kitchen. The dishwasher was full and the few pots and pans left over I washed and Jax dried. I had carefully slipped on the gloves over my scarred arms, hoping, praying that he didn’t notice.
“You know, you look like you’ve done that before,” Jax teased as I scrubbed a pan, suds up to my elbows. His grin was mischievous and I found myself flicking the scrubbing brush in his direction. White suds landed on his shirt and for a heartbeat I panicked. What the hell had I done? Jax’s eyes sparkled when he scooped up a handful of bubbles and flicked them back at me. He grinned, that big honest grin that made his dimples show. His playful nature was far too addictive and I found myself flinging more suds on him and soon we had abandoned the dishes and we were both sopping wet. I laughed loudly and the sound shocked me. Jax lost some of his smile, thoughtful reflection replacing it.
“I like that sound, it suits you. You should use it more.” I blushed, the usual response around Jax now and I let my hair fall forward over my face. That was my answer for everything. Run and hide. It pissed me off that I did it because I was better than that, stronger than that, but for some reason I couldn’t seem to stop myself. Jax brushed my hair over my shoulder so he could see my face.
“What happened here?” He gently asked, his thumb tracing my scar again. His touch could not be ignored and the only thing I found frightening about it was the fact I wanted it more. I also found myself wanting to confide, wanting to unburden myself of the secrets that poisoned my soul. “You don’t have to tell me if you would prefer not to. No pressure.” Little did he know that in that moment I did want to tell him. My secrets had been my own for so long, maybe it was time to let them go.
“I hit the corner of a table,” I offered. Of course it wasn’t the whole story. Jax nodded.
“Was that before or after he hit you,” he asked me matter-of-factly. I hesitated and finally cleared my throat to speak.
“After,” I murmured. Jax was silent while I finished the dishes. Quickly I pulled off the rubber gloves and tried to pull my long sleeves back into place. Jax was too perceptive though, it seemed this guy heard, saw and knew everything. He carefully grabbed my hand and I flinched. His penetrating gaze observed me as he continued to hold my hand in a weak grip that I could easily break away from.
“I won’t harm you angel. This?” His thumb traced the scar on my wrist. My heart hammered. I didn’t want him to think I had tried to kill myself and I especially didn’t want him to think of me as weak. His eyes held no pity, instead perhaps curiosity, and something else. I was an expert at reading people, at seeing the truth in someone’s eyes, but I couldn’t make out what Jax was seeing and feeling right then. Horror? Fright? Guilt?
“It’s not what you think,” I snapped. Jax didn’t react to my abrupt hostility. “I wouldn’t do that to myself. I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction.” I was angry. Not at Jax, but Marcus. He did this to me he’s the one that ruined me. With blazing eyes of fury I turned to face Jax. I pulled my wrist out of his big warm hand and I angrily pulled my sleeves up and turned my arms over for Jax to see the marks in all their horrid glory. He looked at my scars and the playful joy in his eyes only moments before was completely and utterly gone. He looked at me with questions but did not voice them.
“These were mine,” I pointed to the light scars that laced my forearms like a horrifying web of pain. “They were my lowest point. I did things, horrible things with the intention of pissing him off. I hated myself for the way I behaved. I had so much self-loathing I did this to myself. But these,” I pointed to the deep ugly scars on each wrist. “This was him. He drugged me, and he cut me.
He told me it was to prove that he owned me and controlled me.” Jax’s fingers lightly traced the scars, the gentle sweep of his fingers betraying the anger in his eyes.
“For a long time I hated myself, but I would not kill myself. I would not let him win the game.” I didn’t care if the scars repulsed him like they did me, I just had to be sure he knew I didn’t try to commit suicide. Those warm grey eyes found mine and he nodded, he understood, he believed me.
“There you are.” A woman’s voice at the doorway interrupted us. I abruptly pulled my hands away and pulled my sleeves down, taking a hesitant step away from Jax. At the door stood a woman, long blonde hair styled perfectly. Her make up immaculate, dressed in an elegant pencil line skirt and fitted button down top. She looked like a model, glamorous, flawless.
“Selena, what the hell are you doing here?” Jax snapped. I winced at the callousness in his voice and was glad he didn’t speak to me like that. The woman, Selena didn’t seem fazed though. Her eyes took me in, a touch of irritation behind them and a whole lot of repulsion. I instantly disliked her.
“I told you I wanted to see you tonight. Beth said I would find you out here. I bought a picnic, I thought we could spread it out in your office and have some alone time.” There was no missing the meaning behind “alone time” and she made damn sure I was listening as she stared at me pointedly and spoke in a sing song voice that made me cringe.
“I already ate Selena and you know very well I don’t have an office.” She laughed, it was fake, horrible.
“You pay most the bill’s here so your mother’s office is as good as yours.” I could feel the tension rolling off Jax beside me. It made me restless and uncomfortable. This is what I hated, confrontation. This was a trigger and I had to get away from this uncomfortable lovers quarrel. I looked at Selena who was quite obviously a girlfriend, and she was a bitch. I felt like such an idiot. As if a man like Jax would truly care about a damaged little girl like me. He would want a real woman like Selena who looked perfect, no doubt not a scar would mar her beautiful body. I felt sick to my stomach.
Saving Ella (Mercy's Angels) Page 6