by Ian Doescher
[To Qui-Gon:] O, deysa settin’ you up, certain.
Go to de planet core? Bad bombin’.
And any help ’ere would be hot. Eh?
OBI-WAN
Time runneth short, my master. Shall we go?
QUI-GON
A navigator who shall guide us through
The planet core would be most useful, aye?
[To Nass:] What shall become of this one—
Jar Jar Binks?
NASS
Hisen to havee punishment severe.
QUI-GON
Yet I did save his life, and oweth he
A debt of life to me in recompense.
Your gods have given Jar Jar o’er to me,
He shall go with me by divine command.
NASS
Binks? Yousen hava lifeplay witha his?
JAR JAR
O yassa, meesa doee, bossa.
NASS
Ah, fie! Be gone wit him. Good riddance, den.
JAR JAR
Ahh, nay, count me right outta dis here.
’Tis betta dead here den at de core.
O whatta meesa speaka? Commink!
[Exeunt Boss Nass, Gungan bosses, and other Gungans. Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Jar Jar enter the transport.
OBI-WAN
And now we venture to the planet core.
A place most dangerous, it doth beseem.
JAR JAR
O, dis is nutsen. [Looking out of the vessel:]
Gooberfish, O!
OBI-WAN
Why wert thou banish’d, Jar Jar? Prithee, tell.
JAR JAR
[aside:] If I could tell them true, they’d not believe.
For who would think that simple-minded Binks
Would come to have such thoughts expansive as
Could threaten e’en the Gungan bosses, eh?
O well do I recall how they assess’d
The strange beliefs that I’d begun to speak:
That Gungans and Naboo had equal strength,
That we did need them e’en as they need us,
That our two races should not hostile be,
That our best future lay as one, not two.
Such thoughts as these were reprehensible
To all the bosses: thus, my banishment.
Yet this is not the story I’ll relate.
[To Obi-Wan:] O issa longa tale you seeuh,
But small part bein’ meesa clumsy.
OBI-WAN
Thou wert in exile for thy clumsiness?
JAR JAR
Ahh, yousa mighten beeyuh say dat.
Enter OPEE, hidden.
OPEE
My lord, Darth Sidious, hath sent me here,
Across the galaxy to help destroy
These wretched Jedi. O, what pleasure shall
It give me—not just to fulfill the will
Of my great master, nay, but there is more
My villainous assignment also doth
Bring with it promise of a supper rich!
The best employment bringeth one enjoyment.
JAR JAR
[to Obi-Wan:] So maybe meesa causa one or,
Uh, maybe twowee axidentee.
I boom de gasser, den I banish’d.
[The opee catches the transport with its tongue.
O nay, O nay, O dissa trouble!
Enter SANDO AQUA MONSTER, aside.
SANDO
Fear not, my Jedi brothers, for I come!
Sent by the Jedi Council to Naboo
To guard the good Republic’s interest,
My post is in the groaning waters blue
Where I do stand a’ready to protect
Their passage through the planet’s vicious core.
And now my chance hath come to save their lives:
Though I am sando aqua monster call’d,
I am not monstrous, nay, but virtuous.
[The sando aqua monster eats the opee and exits.
QUI-GON
Deep in the sea ’tis true, as ’tis in life:
One fish seems vast, as giant as a fish
Was e’er thought possible to be. We fear,
Nay cower, in its presence, for we think
It doth portend our sure and certain death.
Now, whether ’tis a fish most literal,
The like of which our ship has just escap’d
Here, or, belike, ’tis but some metaphor—
E’en some great challenge or some enemy,
Mayhap some test that we must overcome—
Unless we call upon the Force to see
Correctly, that the thing is not so grand,
Know this: you ever shall live life in fear.
Hence, my young Padawan, and Jar Jar Binks,
E’er bear in mind this plain and vital truth—
Remember that you must have confidence
Enough to know: there’s e’er a bigger fish.
JAR JAR
O, meesa tink we goin’ back now.
But whereuh weesa goin’ to, sir?
QUI-GON
Fret not: we shall be guided by the Force.
JAR JAR
O, maxibig, de Force you sayuh.
But datta smella stinkowiffee.
[The console begins to beep.
OBI-WAN
Alas, the power swiftly runneth out.
JAR JAR
O nay, O weesa die in heeyuh!
QUI-GON
Pray, calm thyself. No trouble have we yet.
JAR JAR
What “yet”? De monsters swimmin’ out dere,
All leakin’ and a’sinkin’ heeyuh,
When yousa tinkin’ we in trouble?
Enter COLO CLAW, hidden.
COLO
My brother opee fail’d where I’ll succeed.
This vessel shall become my banquet feast—
And thus I serve my masters by my belly.
OBI-WAN
The power is restor’d—with it, our chance.
[The lights of the transport turn on to reveal the colo claw, which attempts to eat the ship.
QUI-GON
From one great trial to another, yet
I feel as though some hand doth guide us here.
Enter SANDO AQUA MONSTER as the transport dodges the COLO CLAW.
SANDO
I come again to rescue my brave friends!
Flee twixt my teeth, but you—O, colo brute!—
Are not so fortunate. Feel my sharp bite:
I’ll break my fast upon your trait’rous hide!
[The sando aqua monster eats the colo claw and exits.
QUI-GON
Thus are we safe again—head for that slope—
For with the Force no sea may sink our hope.
[Exeunt.
SCENE 4.
Aboard the Trade Federation battleship.
Enter NUTE GUNRAY, RUNE HAAKO, and, in beam, DARTH SIDIOUS.
NUTE
Th’invasion doth proceed apace, my lord.
SIDIOUS
I have, with cunning, slow’d the Senate’s speed,
Arresting—by procedure—their advance.
They shall have little choice but to accept
The strong control you hold o’er small Naboo.
NUTE
The queen has faith—misguided, to be sure—
And doth believe the Senate sides with her.
SIDIOUS
Queen Amidala’s but an ingénue;
Controlling her shall not be difficult.
NUTE
Indeed, my lord.
[Exit Darth Sidious from beam.
RUNE
—One thing you did omit.
Naught of the missing Jedi did you speak.
NUTE
Why give him reason to make loud retort?
We shall report when we have some report.
[Exeunt.
SCENE 5.
On the planet Naboo.
Enter QUI-GON JINN, OB
I-WAN KENOBI, and JAR JAR BINKS in transport, surfacing in the waters of Naboo.
QUI-GON
Our journey through the core is made at last,
And now shall we make way unto the queen
To warn her of this threat most imminent.
Come, Obi-Wan and Jar Jar, let us hence!
[Exeunt.
Enter NUTE GUNRAY and RUNE HAAKO with several BATTLE DROIDS, including OOM-9.
OOM-9
The queen hath been detainèd, Viceroy.
NUTE
—Good.
This victory doth taste most succulent,
And sates the hunger of my wide ambition.
Enter SABÉ dressed as Queen Amidala, SIO BIBBLE, CAPTAIN PANAKA, PADMÉ, and other members of the NABOO COURT, guarded by BATTLE DROIDS.
SIO
How shalt thou hope to justify this bold
Attack upon our peaceful planet? Speak!
NUTE
The queen and I shall sign a treaty soon;
It shall confer legitimacy on
Our occupation of the city here.
I have been told the Senate shall with haste
Proceed to ratify the treaty. Aye,
Methinks the queen shall find it in her heart
To move her hand and make the needed mark
That shall deliver her dear populace.
SABÉ
No treaty shall I sign. You shall not have
Cooperation in this matter—nay.
NUTE
Be sensible, Your Highness, else we shall
Persuade you through the suff’ring of Naboo.
The cries most piteous, the horrid groans,
The gleam of bodkin’s touch and scream of pain,
The agony that comes from torture cruel—
These moments bleak shall have sway o’er your will.
[To OOM-9:] And now, Commander, take and process them.
OOM-9
I prithee, Captain, take them to camp four.
DROID
Forsooth! Forsooth!
[Exeunt Nute Gunray and Rune Haako.
Enter QUI-GON JINN, OBI-WAN KENOBI, and JAR JAR BINKS above, on balcony.
QUI-GON
—The queen—now is the time!
OBI-WAN
The Force we leap withal, for victory!
[Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Jar Jar leap down and begin fighting the battle droids.
QUI-GON
[aside, whilst fighting:] O, with what ease these droids defeated are,
Had they but any skill in combat we
Would certain be outnumber’d, yet with such
A lack of acumen, these droids are no
More frightening than if they were but toys.
[The Jedi destroy the battle droids.
[To Sabé:] Your Highness, ’twould be best to leave the streets.
PANAKA
Ye courtiers, take the weapons of the droids!
JAR JAR
O wowsa, yousa guys so bombad.
[The group moves aside, off the street.
QUI-GON
We are ambassadors and were sent here
By our wise chancellor.
SIO
—Ambassador,
Your effort at negotiation fail’d.
If I were you, a new trade would I ply.
QUI-GON
Nay, by a Jedi’s oath, there never were
Negotiations—only violence.
’Tis urgent, now, that we make contact with
The brave Republic. Time runs quickly out.
PANAKA
Communication means have been destroy’d.
QUI-GON
But what of transport? Is there some nearby?
PANAKA
Within the hangar—follow me anon!
[The group walks to the hangar, revealing more battle droids.
Alas, too many enemies therein;
Like evil thoughts these droids do multiply.
QUI-GON
’Twill be no problem for we Jedi two,
The weak shall be o’ercome by those more skill’d.
[To Sabé:] Your Highness, prithee journey with we two
To Coruscant. Belike you will be safe
And may before the Senate plead your cause.
SABÉ
With gratitude I greet your proffer’d aid,
Yet rightfully my place is on Naboo.
QUI-GON
Yet they shall take your life should you remain.
SIO
Nay, surely they would never be so bold!
PANAKA
They need the queen to sign their treaty, so
To render this invasion legal. Should
They kill her, they would lose their one defense.
QUI-GON
And yet I sense there may be more at play:
What game’s afoot is still a mystery,
No logic guides the Federation’s moves.
My feeling is: they mean to do you harm.
I would not have a queen become a pawn.
SIO
Our only hope is for the Senate’s help.
The senator, e’en Palpatine, shall need
Your good assistance in this matter, ma’am.
SABÉ
This situation grave is dangerous.
[To Padmé:] Aye, dangerous for all who shall go forth.
PADMÉ
Yet we are brave, Your Highness. We shall go.
QUI-GON
If you would leave, Your Highness, ’twill be now.
SABÉ
Enough, I am engag’d. I’ll challenge this,
And venture forth to plead my case before
The Senate. Hope shall be our strength and stay.
[They begin walking toward the transport.
Enter BATTLE DROIDS guarding PILOTS, including RIC OLIÉ.
PANAKA
The pilots must be freed if we would fly.
OBI-WAN
’Twould be my joy to free them of their bonds.
[Obi-Wan makes his way toward the pilots as Qui-Gon is stopped by a guard droid.
DROID
Desist at once, and take no further step.
QUI-GON
I am the chancellor’s ambassador.
I tell thee I must take these people here
To Coruscant.
DROID
—Well, where shalt thou take them?
QUI-GON
To Coruscant, thou brute.
DROID
—Why, you shall take
Them, then, to Coruscant. Alack, this doth
Go ’gainst my programming, doth not compute!
Behold, I place you all under arrest.
QUI-GON
Thou shalt a ghost droid be ere I am through.
[Qui-Gon destroys guard droid with his lightsaber. Obi-Wan destroys droids guarding pilots. Sabé, Padmé, and Captain Panaka begin to board transport.
PANAKA
Anon, we fly!
OBI-WAN
—Ye pilots all, make haste!
[The pilots run to various vessels. Ric Olié boards the queen’s transport with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan.
RIC
It is my duty and mine honor to
Protect and serve the queen whom I adore!
[The ship flies off. Exeunt.
Enter OBI-WAN KENOBI and JAR JAR BINKS aside in ship, with ASTROMECH DROIDS including R2-D2.
OBI-WAN
Pray, stay thou here and mischief do thou none.
[Exit Obi-Wan.
JAR JAR
Heigh-ho, my lads. Are ye misunderstood
As Jar Jar Binks and his dear Gungans? Eh?
Know ye of human prejudice and scorn?
Methinks ye must, as all nonhumans do.
[Exit Jar Jar.
Enter QUI-GON JINN, OBI-WAN KENOBI, CAPTAIN PANAKA, and RIC OLIÉ in cockpit.
RIC
The blockade doth appear, to work us woe.
They shoot at us, and w
e are sorely hit!
The generator of the shield is down.
Mayhap this doth betoken our defeat!
[Astromech droids move outside the ship to repair the shield generator.
R2-D2
Beep, meep, beep, squeak, beep, whistle, meep, meep, hoo!
[Aside:] It is my time to serve and prove my worth!
I would the brave Republic serve with pride,
For I do long for some advent’rous life,
With galaxies to see and quests to take,
And even more: I long to be inspir’d
And join a noble cause to which I may
Contribute all my strength and skill and wit.
Now to it, R2, serve thy very best!
[Several astromech droids are destroyed by fire from the blockade.
OBI-WAN
Alas, these droids do fall like winter snow,
Each flake snuff’d out by flaming sword of fire.
We soon shall have no more, and then we’re lost.
PANAKA
Without the generator we are dead—
The shots shall find their mark and end our lives.
RIC
The shields are gone. ’Tis done, my comrades. Done!
R2-D2
Beep, meep, beep, hoo!
RIC
—But O, what sign is this?
The power hath return’d, and with it, too,
Our prospect of survival. O, hurrah!
The droid hath done the deed; he bypass’d the
Main power drive. Deflector shields are up
To maximum effect, and we are sav’d.
[R2-D2 returns inside the ship.