by J. S. Scott
I was terrified that she’d get injured. Yeah, she had the skill to handle this run, but she didn’t have the experience.
Now, I didn’t know if I was proud or horrified. If she got hurt, I’d never fucking forgive myself for wanting her to step up to a bigger challenge.
I wish I had kept my mouth shut.
And, dammit, she’d never told me why she was okay with pushing off from one of the most advanced slopes she could conquer.
Of course, I knew she could do it. I wouldn’t have challenged her with a harder run if I didn’t know for sure that she could ski at an expert level. I’d watched her over the years, wondering how she didn’t get bored on the kiddie slopes. She was an amazing skier. With her kind of skill, she probably could kick my ass if she really wanted to compete.
But experience was everything, and to go straight to one of the hardest courses wasn’t wise. I’d wanted her to work her way up.
I began to relax as I followed her close enough to keep an eye on her, but not enough to make her nervous or distracted. She was good. Really good. She was blazing her own trail, and all I had to do was ride slightly behind.
When we were about halfway down, I willed myself to relax. Lauren was tearing up the mountainside, and she wasn’t going to fall. She was looking pretty damn relaxed and confident as she took on every new challenge the course could throw at her.
I’d done this course hundreds of times with Jack.
But being with Lauren made it all seem new and different.
There’s a curve ahead. Be careful, Peanut.
We were fast approaching one of the trickiest sections, and it involved avoiding the trees and taking some tight, fast turns.
Lauren maneuvered spectacularly.
I…didn’t.
I was so concerned about her making the turns that I missed one myself, and it had me tumbling down the mountain like a damn novice.
“Shit!” I took a face full of snow as I finally came to a stop.
“Graham! Oh, God. Talk to me. Are you okay?” Lauren had circled around, shed her skis, and climbed back up to check on me.
She sounded breathless with worry, and I ate that up like I’d never had somebody who cared about me before. Probably because I hadn’t. Generally, if I fell on my head, nobody gave a damn. Jack would make sure I was okay…eventually. But he was usually laughing at my dumb ass after he knew I’d survive.
I was tempted to keep silent when I felt her hands running over my hair and my forehead. She’d shucked off her gloves and her fingers were gingerly touching my face, looking for injuries. I really did want to bask in her response to thinking I was hurt because it was such a novelty. But I couldn’t do that to her. “I’m okay.”
I sat up and reached for the hat that had fallen off my head. “I was stupid.”
“You’re not stupid,” she said emphatically. “All it takes is one minor judgment error to end up on your ass with this course.”
I pulled on my hat and looked at her as she crouched down beside me. Her expression was concerned, but her cheeks were bright with excitement. “Yeah. I kind of found that out,” I said drily as I stood up and retrieved my skis. I’d lost both of them when I’d taken my tumble.
Lauren’s mind worked in ways I couldn’t possibly understand. No doubt she could calculate every turn, and do what she needed to do to fly through all of the obstacles. While she called herself a freak, I’d always idolized her skills. Having a brain like hers was special. She was gifted, and she didn’t waste that talent.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked.
I grinned at her as we both got back into our skis. “Other than the fact that I have to bow to your superior skills, I’m fine.”
“You took a fall. My skills aren’t superior,” she denied.
God, I loved the fact that Lauren could joke around, yet be so sensitive. She was defending my stupidity because she didn’t want to hurt my ego. Hell, my ego wasn’t suffering. I knew I had good skills. I’d just lost them temporarily while I watched her fearlessly flying ahead of me.
“You’re a distraction,” I claimed jokingly.
She put her hands on her hips. “Is that so?”
“Yep. I never would have eaten snow if I hadn’t been watching your beautiful ass in front of me. I lost my concentration. It’s entirely your fault.”
Her smile was worth every ache I had from wiping out on the side of the mountain.
“Then I’ll let you lead this time,” she offered.
I shook my head. “Oh, hell no. It seems that I really like torturing myself.”
“Are you really okay?” she asked breathlessly. “You took a pretty hard fall.”
“I’ve always had a hard head.” Jesus! It was nice to have somebody who cared about whether or not I was okay. Why had I never seen just how damn lucky I was to have a friend like Lauren? Honestly, she’d always been my inspiration to succeed because I wanted to make her proud. The fact that she’d always had faith in me had been motivation in the back of my mind, even when I was across the country physically.
“I’ll go slow,” she told me.
“I can keep up.”
She frowned, but she turned around and looked out for other skiers before she set herself in motion again.
Lauren did go slow, but I didn’t give a damn. It gave me that much longer to watch her from behind. And her beautiful ass was definitely worth watching.
When we got to the bottom, I took us both out of our skis and picked Lauren up and twirled her around. “You were incredible up there, Peanut.”
She looked down at me with a happy smile. “Put me down or you’ll end up with back strain.”
I snorted as I let her slide down my body and find her feet again. “You’re a lightweight.”
“You’re just strong,” she argued.
“You’re so fucking beautiful.” The words came out of my mouth without a second thought.
Lauren’s blue eyes were mesmerizing, and I couldn’t look away from her happy, smiling expression. I wanted to see her like that every single day. I didn’t understand my reaction to her, and I wasn’t going to analyze it. The way I felt…it just was. I knew I needed to stifle my physical desire for Lauren, but I just couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t go back to the friendship we’d had before I’d touched her.
I couldn’t erase the sensation of the incendiary heat I’d felt when her pussy was wrapped around my cock like she wanted to keep me there.
Yet, I couldn’t be the guy for her, either.
It put me in one hell of an uncomfortable position.
She shook her head slowly, her eyes still locked with mine. “I’ve never been beautiful, Graham. I’ve always been a geek.”
I put a hand on her cheek. “Bullshit. You’ve just never seen yourself the way I do.”
Unable to stop myself, I lowered my head and kissed her. She responded to me immediately, wrapping her arms around my neck as we got lost in each other. We were totally oblivious to any other skiers around. As long as I was touching her, nothing else really mattered.
I devoured her mouth like I was terrified it was suddenly going to go away. I was greedy, and Lauren responded with an equal amount of fire.
My chest was heaving by the time I finally let her go. “If there weren’t other people around, I’d be fucking you against one of these trees,” I said in a rough voice.
“I’d let you,” she answered breathlessly.
My dick was already diamond hard, and her affirmation that she felt the same way that I did nearly killed me. “I don’t know how to handle this, Lauren. I don’t think I can not want you anymore. That need won’t go away no matter how hard I try to push it into the back of my mind. It’s always there.” And it was fucking eating me alive.
I felt like we’d opened a door that woul
d never close. Had I felt this way for several years—since she’d grown up—and I’d buried it, or had I just finally looked at her with a new set of eyes that could see her?
She wasn’t just my friend anymore, but she wasn’t technically my lover.
At some point, Lauren had grown up, and I’d missed it. She wasn’t like a sister to me now. In fact, she was rapidly becoming a damn obsession that I couldn’t control.
“I want you, too,” she confessed in a soft voice.
“Don’t say that,” I snapped.
She shrugged. “It’s true. And we don’t lie to each other.”
Her words hit me like a sucker punch. Maybe she’d always been honest, but there was a side of me that she didn’t know—a messed up part of me that I never wanted to show her. “I’ve lied to you,” I admitted brusquely. “Don’t trust me, Lauren. Don’t ever put your faith in me. You’ll be disappointed if you do.”
“Graham, I don’t understand—”
I nodded my head toward the ski lift. “Are we going back up?”
“Yes. I suppose. If you’re feeling okay. But can you explain—”
“I can’t.” I looked away from her and stepped back into my skis.
I never wanted Lauren to know just how fucked up I really was. That meant that I could never take this relationship further, whether I wanted to or not.
She stepped back into her skis and followed behind me as I made my way to the lift.
We caught the chair that would take us back up the mountain before I said, “Let’s just forget about everything else today, okay? Can we just enjoy the day?”
I didn’t want to spoil her accomplishment. This day was for Lauren. And I had plenty of other days that were going to revolve around her, days I hoped would be just like today.
Fuck what I wanted. Lauren had helped me become what I was today. If not for her unwavering faith and help with my schoolwork, I never would have been in the NFL. It was time for me to pay her back for everything she’d done to help me get to my current life.
She was silent for a moment before she answered, “Yes, we can. I won’t ask any more questions you don’t want to answer.”
“It isn’t that I don’t want to,” I admitted. “I can’t. I don’t understand what’s happening. I was engaged to Hope. We were supposed to get married. And I don’t even feel angry about her fucking around on me right now, even though I’m pissed at Jack. I don’t miss her. I don’t even think about her.”
“Maybe you never loved her,” Lauren suggested.
“I didn’t. I never did. I thought she was the perfect woman because she was a supermodel and well-connected. She was all part of my life plan. I have no fucking idea how to love anyone.”
It was a truth that I hadn’t meant to blurt out that way, but maybe it was time to tell Lauren some of my not-so-nice traits. Maybe it would put some well-needed distance between us.
“So you knew you didn’t love her?”
“Jesus, Lauren. I don’t even know what love feels like. Not really. Other than you and Jack, I’ve never felt like anybody gave a damn about me.”
“You’re right,” she said quietly. “Let’s just enjoy the day.”
I didn’t blame her for being confused or not knowing exactly what to say. She was a woman who had so much love to give, and she gave of herself every single damn day. How could she possibly comprehend a guy who had no problem screwing everybody else to get exactly what he wanted?
I ignored her last comment as I said, “Hope didn’t love me, either. In some ways, it made our relationship perfect because I don’t know how to give anybody anything. I was engaged to her because I thought she’d benefit me with her connections and family. She agreed to marry me because I think she liked the idea of being with a pro football player. Hell, maybe we were good for each other because neither one of us had to put much emotional effort into our relationship. Maybe she didn’t know what love was, either.”
“Graham, I—”
“Don’t, Lauren. Don’t say anything. Even though we’ve always been friends, there are a lot of things about me that you don’t know.” Maybe I’d said too much, but I wasn’t going to go back now.
I’d wanted her to keep on caring about me, even when I probably didn’t deserve it. I was silent, on edge as I waited to see if she was going to react to my confession about me and Hope.
“I never wanted to push for any information you didn’t want to share,” she said as we both exited the lift.
“I appreciate that.” In some ways, I wanted Lauren to know everything, even my darker side. But I was afraid I’d scare her off.
She nodded. “You pick the run.”
When I went to a much tamer course, she laughed. “Now who is being cautious?” she asked with humor in her voice.
“My heart won’t take another black diamond run, even though I know you can handle it,” I said, trying to exit my dark mood so we could enjoy the slopes.
“Lead the way,” she challenged.
I pushed myself off, letting Lauren follow closely behind me.
CHAPTER 14
Graham
It had been almost a perfect day.
But I’d spoiled it somewhat by opening my stupid mouth about my faults. There had been tension between me and Lauren since I’d blurted out the fact that I hadn’t loved Hope.
Maybe she’d thought it was cold, and maybe it was, but the relationship had fit my life.
Being with Hope had seemed like a brilliant idea at the time, and it had worked for both of us.
Now, I was starting to realize that it might not have been the brightest idea I’d ever had.
Lauren and I had come back to the cabin lighthearted and laughing like the old days, but I knew it wasn’t going to last. Lauren wasn’t going to let me get away with not explaining my earlier words. She’d just delayed it for a while.
I gave her credit. We’d eaten a take-out pizza and were settled on the couch before she opened that door again.
“So you didn’t love Hope, and she didn’t love you,” she mused as she sipped a glass of Merlot. “If you were both okay with that kind of relationship, that doesn’t really make it bad. But you deserve so much more, Graham.”
I took a slug of my beer before I answered. “It’s completely fucked up. And we obviously weren’t happy. Hope had her mouth wrapped around another guy’s dick.”
“It’s not your fault that Hope cheated. And everybody makes mistakes, Graham.”
“I’ve made a shit-ton of them, Peanut.”
“Tell me,” she encouraged.
“Other than the times I spent with you and Jack, I’ve always been a prick. You know I was always moving from one foster home to another.”
“You never said why. Was it because of your attention deficit hyperactivity disorder?”
“I was a hard kid to handle, and I didn’t have much impulse control. I’d do something and then regret it later. I fought constantly. I was always angry. There were some homes that really weren’t good for me, but after a while, I didn’t even try to make my foster parents like me anymore. Most of them had kids of their own, and I couldn’t compete with them.”
“You shouldn’t have had to compete. You just needed somebody to care about you.”
I shrugged. “None of them did. So I didn’t give a damn about them, either.”
“You could have,” Lauren argued. “I think you needed someone to care about you.”
“I just wanted to survive. I’m not sure you can understand that, but all I wanted was to feel safe. I got into some pretty bad situations in the beginning. By the time I hit my teens, I was just pissed off. All the time. You, Jack, and football were the only things that kept me grounded.”
“You were afraid,” she corrected. “I could always see that, but I didn’t know how to help you
.”
I shrugged. “You didn’t need to help me. I had to help myself.”
It was strange how Lauren had seen my fear when everybody else had seen me as just a bad kid. “Football was my only out. I needed to be somebody, and I promised myself that it would happen no matter what. I wanted to make you and Jack proud.”
“You have a lot to be proud of. But I’ve always admired you. You didn’t have to be a millionaire for me to care about you.”
My gut ached from the words I wanted to hear so much—that somebody cared regardless of my profession or wealth. She cared about me. But I wondered if she still would if she knew everything.
“I have a lot to regret, too,” I told her. “I was an asshole to anybody who might have shown me some kindness. Then when I went to play in college, I wasn’t exactly a team player. I cared about me. I didn’t care about my team or my teammates. It didn’t matter whether we won or lost. My stats and performance were my only concern. Did I have enough completions and passing yards for the NFL to look at me? To hell with the team.”
“Graham, you were struggling to survive. Considering your background, it’s understandable. It’s admirable that you can even do a self-evaluation and recognize that you don’t like some of the things you did. But you can’t keep blaming yourself. You’ve never been a jerk to me or to Jack.”
“You two were the exception,” I rasped.
Lauren slid across the couch and put her hand on my face. “There’s nothing you’re ever going to tell me that’s going to make me hate you. Whether you realize it or not…I do know you. I knew that you were scared when we were kids. Yes, you let it out in anger, but who in the hell was listening to you? Who really cared? I’d get angry, too. And since you had to fight your way out of a really shitty life with football, I don’t care if you were selfish. You deserved to be selfish. Nobody had ever taken care of you. And if you didn’t know what love was, it wasn’t your fault. Nobody ever taught you how to love anybody.”
“Maybe I didn’t want to know,” I argued.
“I call bullshit.”
I looked into her eyes, and I knew I was fucked. Her trust in me was way more than I deserved. But I was getting addicted to it. I was getting addicted to her. Maybe I always had been.