Paige Oh, I see. All the same, taking his favourite motor. You don’t half believe in going out in style, do you?
Micky I won’t keep it. I’ll dump it. Coming with us?
Paige You’re safer on your own, Micky. We both are.
Micky Sure?
Paige Separate ways.
Arabella I’ll tell you what, we could stop for a drink, couldn’t we? I know this gorgeous pub.
Micky I don’t drink.
Arabella Oh, pity.
Micky It’s got a musical cocktail cabinet in the back, though.
Arabella You need say no more, dear man.
Justin returns to use the phone.
Justin (as he enters) … I’ll try this lot. I used them once before, they should be – (seeing Arabella and Micky at the door) What’s going on?
Arabella Justin, darling, this gentleman – this champion boxer – has kindly offered to drive me home.
Justin Has he?
Arabella It’s apparently, so he says, on his way.
Justin I see.
Arabella (kissing him) So save your money, darling. And see you very soon, I hope.
Justin Yes, I hope so. ’Night.
Arabella ’Nighty-night.
Micky ’Bye. (to Paige) Sure?
Paige Positive.
Micky tosses her the front-door key.
(as they go) Micky! Thank you. Cheers, mate. Good luck.
Micky and Arabella go. A pause.
Justin So. You’re free.
Paige For the time being. I’d better get moving as well. I can still get a tube to Hounslow. It’s not that late. If you could lend me a little? You said you would. Just for the fare.
Justin Of course. (producing his wallet) Here.
He thrusts a fistful of notes at her. Paige looks doubtful.
Please. Take it …
Paige I don’t need all that. (She hesitates.) I mean, I didn’t even give you my full dance routine, did I? (taking the money) Thanks. You’re a very nice person.
Justin Thank you.
Paige For a man. No, true. Most men I know, if you look in their eyes, all you see is this hate. Incredible. They really hate us women, most of them. I’ve never known why that is. But I’m always seeing it. I mean, real, real hatred, you know. It’s like we threaten them. And the more they love us, the more they need us – and the more they need us – the more they hate us because they need us. Bloody men. Crazy bastards.
Justin Do you see hatred in my eyes, then?
Paige (examining him) Nah.
Justin What do you see?
Paige Fear. Just fear.
Pause. Then before the moment can develop further she kisses him and presses the door key into his hand.
(moving to the front door) Thank you, Justin. Won’t forget you. Have a good life, love. ’Bye.
Justin (anxious to detain her a moment longer) Paige?
Paige (patiently) What?
Justin That story of you and the motorbike and the nurse? Learning all over again? Was that true?
Paige (a beat) No, I made it up. Just making conversation, that’s all. ’Bye.
Justin (stopping her again) Look, take that coat there. The mac, it’s mine.
Paige This one?
Justin At least you’ll be warm.
Paige Ta. See you. (She is about to open the door.)
Justin (suddenly) Paige!
Paige (angrily) What, Justin? What is it?
Justin (softly) Help me, please. Help me.
Paige What are you talking about?
Justin Help me. Take me with you.
Paige (incredulous) What?
Justin I’m begging you.
Paige You’re mad.
Justin I feel I’m trapped here. I need to get away – I have to escape.
Paige Then get away. There’s nothing to stop you.
Justin I don’t have the courage. Not on my own.
Paige Justin. You don’t know what you’re asking, love.
Justin I know exactly what I’m asking.
Paige You come with me, you give up this flat – You give up your job – You say goodbye to your girlfriend, all your friends, everything …
Justin I don’t care.
Paige I couldn’t do that to you, Justin. You’re too nice a bloke. You can do better than me, love.
Justin I don’t think I can.
She looks at him.
Please.
Pause.
(imploringly) Please.
Paige There’ll be no looking back?
Justin No.
Paige No regrets later? Recriminations?
Justin Never.
Paige shakes her head in disbelief.
Paige (expressionless) You’re barking. (after a beat) Come on then, you sad bastard, we’d better get moving then, hadn’t we?
She holds out her hand to him. Justin moves to her. She kisses him briefly and they start out of the front door.
Justin (as they go, triumphantly) Yes!
Paige (as they go) My God, this is mad!
Justin (triumphantly, as they go out) Yes!
The door closes behind them. Dee, after a second, comes out of the bedroom.
Dee (calling back) That’s funny, there’s nobody here.
Derek (off, muffled) Hotle her haying?
Dee (calling) What did you say, dear?
Derek (off, muffled) Harsing hot hoo haying?
Dee (calling) Can’t hear you at all, dear.
Derek comes on.
Derek Sorry, I can’t hear you, dear.
Dee I’m saying there’s no one here.
Derek Well, he must have popped out.
Dee Yes.
Derek Probably seeing his mother off.
Dee She’ll need some seeing off.
Derek She will.
Dee Those neighbours must have gone back upstairs.
Derek Good riddance.
Dee So say all of us.
Derek People like that. Not fit to be in a decent home. Rude. Bad language. Bad manners. I’d lock them up. I would. Throw away the key.
Dee You’d do right. How’s our little Apple, then?
Derek I looked in just now. She’s sleeping. Sleeping like a baby.
Dee Ah!
Derek Little fists clenched round her face, you know, like when she was little.
Dee Ah. Let’s have a peep, shall we?
Derek Very quietly now. Don’t wake her.
Dee Ever so quietly.
They tiptoe into the bedroom. The doorbell rings. Pause. The doorbell rings again. Pause. The doorbell rings a third time. Derek and Dee re-enter.
It was. It was the doorbell. I’m sure it was.
A banging on the door. As of someone with a huge fist.
Derek Oh, for goodness sake!
Dee They’ll wake little Apple.
Derek Some people! There’s no call for that.
The banging continues, getting louder.
Dee See who it is, dear.
Derek I fully intend to. And furthermore I’ll give them a piece of my mind.
Derek moves to the door.
Dee You do that.
Derek (indignantly, as he opens the door) Now listen, I don’t know what you’re playing at but I’m giving you fair warning that I intend to –
He opens the door and catches sight of whoever it is on the other side. A gloved hand of someone very tall grips the top of the door preventing Derek from closing it again. This is all we can see.
(very alarmed) Oh, dear God! Who are you?
Before we see the outcome, a rapid fade to:
Blackout.
About the Author
Alan Ayckbourn, Artistic Director of the Stephen Joseph Theatre, Scarborough, was born in London in 1939. He has worked in theatre all his life as, variously, stage manager, sound technician, lighting technician, scene painter, propmaker, actor, writer and director. Most of these talents he developed (or abandoned) thanks to his mentor and founder of
the theatre in Scarborough, Stephen Joseph, who first encouraged him to write and after whom the theatre is named. Almost all of the sixty-one plays Alan Ayckbourn has written to date received their first performance at this theatre. Over half have subsequently been produced in the West End, at the Royal National Theatre or the Royal Shakespeare Company. Translated into thirty languages, they have been seen on stage and television throughout the world, receiving many national and international awards. Alan Ayckbourn was appointed a CBE in 1987, and in 1997 became the first playwright to be knighted since Terence Rattigan. A new trilogy, Damsels in Distress: GamePlan, FlatSpin, RolePlay, premièred at the Stephen Joseph Theatre in 2001 and transferred to the West End in September 2002, coinciding with the publication of his book The Crafty Art of Playmaking.
By Alan Ayckbourn from Faber
plays
WOMAN IN MIND (DECEMBER BEE)
MR A’S AMAZING MAZE PLAYS
INVISIBLE FRIENDS
THE REVENGERS’ COMEDIES
TIME OF MY LIFE
WILDEST DREAMS
COMMUNICATING DOORS
THINGS WE DO FOR LOVE
COMIC POTENTIAL
THE BOY WHO FELL INTO A BOOK
HOUSE & GARDEN
WHENEVER
ALAN AYCKBOURN: PLAYS ONE
(A Chorus of Disapproval, A Small Family Business, Henceforward …, Man of the Moment)
ALAN AYCKBOURN: PLAYS TWO
(Ernie’s Incredible Illucinations, Invisible Friends, This Is Where We Came In, My Very Own Story, The Champion of Paribanou)
adaptations
THE FOREST by Alexander Ostrovsky
theatre books
THE CRAFTY ART OF PLAYMAKING
Copyright
First published in 2002
by Faber and Faber Ltd
Bloomsbury House
74–77 Great Russell Street
London WC1B 3DA
This ebook edition first published in 2014
All rights reserved
© Haydonning Ltd., 2002
The right of Alan Ayckbourn to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
All rights whatsoever in these plays are strictly reserved and applications to perform them should be made in writing, before rehearsals begin, to Casarotto Ramsay & Associates, 12 Noel Street, London W1F 8GQ. No performance may be given unless a licence has first been obtained.
This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
ISBN 978–0–571–31859–9
Damsels in Distress Page 22