“Do you think there’s a chance that when he says he pities you, Carson might feel the same way I do?” Rebecca suggested. “It might not be the bad thing you make it out to be. I know you don’t want anyone’s pity. I get it. But I think what you really mean by that is you wish none of this had happened to begin with.”
Rory shrugged. “Maybe you’re right. Why are you suddenly vouching for Carson?” she asked curiously. “You don’t even like him!”
“When you two got together was when you started coming back to life,” Rebecca said simply. “Go. Call him.”
“I don’t know.” Suddenly Rory felt very, very tired. “I think I’m just going to go to bed but…this? Just hanging out with you? I’ve missed this. Thanks for listening.”
“Thanks for talking.”
CHAPTER 19
The two weeks leading up to summer vacation were a blur.
Rory had to work her butt off to pass her classes, which she managed to do just by the skin of her teeth. Technically maybe she should have been required to take a few summer classes, but given what she’d been dealing with her teachers were all too happy to cut her a little slack.
Rory was glad to be kept busy during that hectic time. It kept her from thinking about Carson a million times a day. She still thought about Grace, of course, but that was different. And it was getting easier.
Thinking about Carson was still painful, a raw wound that didn’t want to heal. Rory knew deep down she’d get over it eventually. If she could learn to live with what had happened the night of the party, then surely she could withstand her very first breakup.
If there was one thing she’d learned in recent months, it was how resilient she really was.
But she nonetheless missed Carson something awful.
Once summer holidays rolled around, the distractions were few and far between.
Sheck and his parents went away on holidays for a week – Val and Clive decided to take Sheck to Mexico where they’d honeymooned two decades ago. By all accounts, Val and Clive’s marriage was back on track. Rory could see the change in Sheck and was happy for them all…but she nonetheless counted down the days until Sheck would return impatiently.
Rebecca got a summer job at the public library. It was the perfect position for the avid reader and, on her days off, Rebecca was eager to work through the pile of “must reads” she’d accumulated. She’d curl up in a lounge chair in the backyard and would seldom move until the sun went down and it was too dark to see the pages.
Rory wished she could be distracted that easily.
She still wasn’t on the friendliest of terms with her former clique, although she’d said hello to Monica once or twice in passing. Rory didn’t miss the catty cheerleaders. In fact, once she spent some time away from Hilary, she began to realize how her supposed friend had constantly tried to tear her down. It was no wonder Rory had been growing increasingly insecure.
Insecurity was still something she struggled with. She suspected it would be a lifelong battle. But at the same time, she was coming to realize that life was too short to be hung up on the superficial and unimportant.
She’d finally ditched the dreaded carrot diet once and for all.
Now she was job searching. Her spare time was spent studying for her written driving exam. She was finally going to re-take the test despite her paralyzing fear of failure. There were reasons bigger than Rory compelling her to get her license.
“There’s his car!” Nancy trilled, sounding more upbeat than she had in ages.
Rory peered down the road and sure enough, there was her brother’s beat up maroon clunker chugging merrily toward the house. She tried to sit there nonchalantly but it took every ounce of restraint she had not to run out into the road waving her arms and shouting.
Rory and her mom had been sitting on the front porch for twenty minutes, eagerly awaiting Justin’s arrival from college now that he’d written his last exam. Rory felt a twinge of sadness when she saw that his car wasn’t filled to the roof with his stuff. He wasn’t moving home this summer. He was only visiting. The thought of Justin “visiting” their family home tugged at Rory’s heartstrings.
She’d never expected she’d miss him so much. Growing up, Justin had been the typical annoying big brother and Rory had been the bratty little sister. They’d fought like, well, like siblings. But he’d also taught her and Rebecca how to ride bikes and in the wintertime he’d taken pride in building elaborate snow forts for his kid sisters. As they’d gotten older, he’d begrudgingly driven Rory to the mall and Rebecca to the library. Annoyingness aside, he was a great brother.
When he’d graduated high school and left for college, it had left a void in the family.
It was good to have him back, even if it was only temporary.
Justin pulled into the driveway, climbed out of his car and was immediately clobbered by their mother. She did all the stereotypical mother things Rory had wrongly assumed only happened in the movies, making her stand there so she could inspect him, asking him if he was eating properly and so on.
Then the phone rang and Nancy had to reluctantly pull herself away to go answer it.
“Hey stranger,” Justin greeted Rory. He carried a large grey duffel bag – undoubtedly packed full of dirty laundry – over his left shoulder. He wrapped his right arm around Rory and squeezed her extra tight.
They weren’t huggers, Rory and Justin. She knew the unusual gesture was his way of saying he was sorry for what she’d been through without actually having to say it. She hugged him back before gleefully informing him that he stunk, at which point he chased her into the house in mock outrage.
Nancy was just hanging up the phone as the two of them crashed into the kitchen, laughing and calling each other rude names. She simply smiled and shook her head at the two of them, having learned a long time ago that scolding would do nothing to curb their juvenile behavior.
“That was Val calling,” she informed them. “They’re back from their vacation safe and sound. I’ve invited them over for a cookout tonight.”
* * * * *
It was the perfect night for a cookout. Summer had finally arrived but the hot, sultry evenings of late July hadn’t quite descended upon the sleepy suburb yet. A light, gentle breeze kept the bugs away and the temperature comfortable.
Even better, the burgers and hot dogs Rory’s dad threw on the grill smelled delicious.
She was so glad she wasn’t on the carrot diet anymore!
Sheck and his parents arrived bearing gifts from Mexico. The girls got pretty beaded necklaces and Justin got a watch. After the initial greetings and the obligatory gathering around Val’s tablet to view holiday photos, everyone dispersed.
Clive and Tom talked sports as they stood over the grill. Val and Nancy wandered off to make lemonade as they discussed the pros and cons of various Mexican resorts. The second Rebecca got home she laid claim to Justin over by the fire pit, eager to spend some time with him. Rory and Sheck wandered into the garage, leaving the door open so they’d hear the call for burgers and hot dogs.
“You’ve got quite the tan,” Rory informed him once she got a good look at him in the light.
“I spent a lot of time at the beach.”
“Did you go surfing?”
“You bet.”
Rory could practically imagine Sheck strolling along the beach with a surfboard under his arm. She didn’t know if he’d be naturally good at surfing or if it would take him a few tries to get the hang of it, but it didn’t matter.
She knew he wouldn’t concern himself with being the best or mastering a certain technique. He was too laid back for that. He’d just enjoy the moment, the way the sand felt underfoot and the way the waves sprayed him in the face, making his hair drip with saltwater.
She envied him. She still wasn’t sure what to make of her long-time friend’s increasingly frequent drug use, but she loved that he didn’t answer to anyone or anything. He was his own person and did what he wanted
no matter what. She made a mental note to try to learn to be more like him.
“How is it to be back?” she asked.
“Good. The resort kicked ass and I loved Mexico, but it’s nice to be home.”
“You just want to ask that redhead out before someone else starts dating her,” Rory teased.
“I dunno, maybe.” He grinned at her. “I’m ready to get our summer underway…and our band!”
“We’re really doing that?”
“Sure, why not?”
Rory shrugged. “Let’s do it.”
He surveyed the double garage. Nancy’s SUV was parked on one side. The other side was used for storage as Tom preferred to park his black half ton on the driveway. “Can we move some of this stuff?” he asked, nodding at the clutter.
“Uh huh, we can shove it up against the wall,” Rory suggested. She leaned forward to pick up an old, neglected exercise bike that had found a home in the garage. “Ooh!” she exclaimed, surprised to discover how heavy it was. “Can you give me a hand with this?”
“Let me.”
Rory whirled around. Carson was standing there outside the garage. She hadn’t even heard him walk up the drive. He looked good…really good. Her stomach did a somersault and in that instant she realized just how much she missed him.
“I uh…hot dogs,” Sheck said, pointing to the backyard. He made a hasty exit to give them privacy – and to stuff his face. Seriously, it was a wonder that guy wasn’t a million pounds because he could sure pack away the food. The joys of having a fast metabolism…not that Rory would know anything about that.
Carson stepped inside.
“Hi,” she said softly when it was just the two of them standing there in the garage alone. Outside, the faint chirp of crickets provided a strange, almost soothing background melody.
“Hi.”
She hadn’t tried to call or text him since the big blow up. She’d wanted to. She’d thought about it every day and had even gone so far as to pick up the phone on more than one occasion. But she’d decided she just couldn’t do it.
Not calling was a self-preservation tactic.
The night of the party had caused her world to crash down around her. Rory could feel herself returning to normal gradually, but it was still a day by day process. Sometimes she slept through the night. Sometimes she didn’t feel that invisible weight on her chest that dragged her down to dark, hellish places. The nightmares and flashbacks were becoming less and less frequent now.
But she knew her progress was tenuous. And she also knew Carson’s rejection could send her into a downward spiral.
She couldn’t take that risk.
Carson hadn’t called Rory, either. To her, that was a sign, loud and clear, that he was no longer interested. She’d just been too much for him, consumed by her grief and barely hanging on by a thread. She supposed she couldn’t blame him for staying away.
Standing there mere feet from him, she wondered if he felt the sexual tension in the air as strongly as she did. It felt like the air was alive with electricity and more than anything, Rory wanted to kiss him. She missed the way Carson’s arms felt wrapped around her, protective and strong. God, she just wanted to press her lips to his and feel his body against hers…
“Why are you here?” she demanded, crossing her arms like a shield across her heart.
“I miss you.”
She felt a crack in her armor. “I miss you too.”
Carson exhaled loudly, looking relieved and nervous all at once. “I’m sorry for our fight,” he said. “I was kind of an ass. I was half asleep and said things I shouldn’t have because, well, you scared me.”
“I scared you?”
“Yeah,” Carson studied his feet intently for what felt like a million years. He finally looked up, searching Rory’s eyes for some sign of compassion; a safe place to fall. He must have found what he was looking for, because he took a deep breath and then, finally, he spoke.
“Do you remember I mentioned my older brother, and how he didn’t take our uncle’s death very well?” he asked anxiously, running the palms of his hands over his jeans.
“Mmhmm, you said he got in a little trouble,” Rory recalled, wondering what on earth Carson’s brother could possibly have to do with their fight.
“It was a lot of trouble, actually. At first everyone just chalked it up to depression and said he was acting out because he didn’t know how to process his feelings. But things got worse and worse. He nearly ruined his life.”
Carson cleared his throat before continuing.
“I don’t know if you remember, but I told you once that I have a bad habit of wanting to fix everything. I wanted to help my brother so badly but it was beyond anything I was capable of handling. I had a really tough time coming to terms with that. It ate me up inside for a long, long time.”
Rory was afraid to speak. It was plain to see that Carson was sharing something very personal with her. She didn’t want to interfere, but she was aching to know. “Where is your brother now?” she asked.
“He’s in rehab. It’s his third stint there. I’m not holding out a lot of hope.”
“Oh. I didn’t know.”
“No, I don’t talk about him much…well, ever.”
Carson took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was about to divulge.
“When I saw you struggling to deal with Grace’s death, I saw my brother. At first it was like I made it my mission to try to help you. I wanted to be that rock for you, a safe place to fall. I wanted to fix you. But of course, what you were going through was beyond the scope of anything I could manage. Once I realized that, well, that’s where it all started to unravel.”
“You did help me,” Rory insisted. “More than you’ll ever know…”
“I’m glad, truly. But you have to understand, from my perspective I couldn’t do enough for you. I couldn’t take your pain away. I couldn’t erase those memories that were haunting you. I felt like I was failing you the same way I failed my brother.”
“That’s why you started to get so frustrated any time I had a bad day?”
“Yes.” He hung his head. “It was about me, not you. It wasn’t fair, I know. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too,” Rory told him. “I overreacted that day when I showed up at your house. I…I do that sometimes. Sometimes my temper gets the best of me; it always has. I guess I’m just –”
“Passionate?” Carson finished the sentence for her with a knowing raise of his eyebrow.
She couldn’t hide her surprise. “How did you know that’s what I always say?”
He gave Rory a boyish grin, the corners of his blue eyes crinkling. “Your sister told me.”
“She did?”
“Yeah…she came to my house this afternoon after work. First she interrogated me to find out if I met her very high standards for you,” he chuckled. “I guess I passed the test because her advice was to take whatever you said or did with a grain of salt…and to get my ass over here to try to patch things up with you.”
He leaned closer and pretend-whispered, “She told me you’re too stubborn to make the first move and if we’re going to be together then I’m just going to have to get used to it.”
“My sister gives good advice.”
So, uh, how about it?” he asked, swallowing hard. “Can we kiss and make up?”
More than anything, Rory wanted to kiss Carson. But she wasn’t ready to fall into his arms just yet. Proceeding with caution, she reminded him, “I asked you if we’d be together if it wasn’t for Grace’s death. You…you didn’t seem so sure.”
“Ugh, I’m such an idiot sometimes,” Carson smacked his forehead. “That was the truth but it came out all wrong, I guess because I was half-asleep and not expressing myself very well.” He ran a hand through his hair and looked Rory square in the eye. “I’ve wanted to ask you out pretty much since the moment I met you.”
Rory’s confusion was written all over her face. “But you barely ever
talked to me,” she protested. “Until recently I wasn’t even sure you knew my name.”
He looked embarrassed. “I definitely knew your name,” he assured her, “but I was terrified of you. That’s not a very macho thing to admit, I know, but there you have it. You, Rory O’Neil, are terrifying.”
“Me? Why?”
“Look at you,” Carson said quietly. “You’re beautiful and stubborn and fun-loving and moody. You’re a complete mystery to me – always have been and probably always will be. You don’t know how many times I thought about making a move. But I figured a girl like you wouldn’t want a guy like me.”
“Are you being serious right now?”
“I’m completely serious. You might hang out with the cheerleaders but you’re not one of them.”
“Don’t I know it,” Rory muttered, wondering what Carson was getting at.
“I’ve never been in trouble a day in my life…well, until recently. I’m a guy who plays by the book. I did the good grades thing and the football thing because it’s what was expected of me. Getting in that fight with Jeremy was a blip on the radar. It’s not me…not usually. I just flipped out when I saw him messing with you. But usually I’m not the dangerous, rebellious badass type, Rory.”
“Who says that’s what I want?” Rory demanded, surprised that Carson would think such a thing.
“Isn’t that what every girl wants?” His eyes were locked on hers. She could almost feel the heat between them and it sent a shiver down her spine.
“I don’t know. I’ve only ever wanted you.”
“I wish I’d known that sooner. It was only after Grace died that I decided I was going to put it all out there and go after you, even if it meant being turned down. I figured you only live once so you may as well seize the day, you know? Anyway,” Carson finished, “that’s all I meant when I said we might not have gotten together had it not been for Grace.”
“I like that,” Rory said softly. “The thought that Grace brought us together…it’s nice.”
“Yeah, it is.”
A slow smile spread across her face. “Were you really intimidated by me?”
Catalyst (The Best Days #1) Page 19