by Ruby Hill
The words came easy now. “But you…you were not like all of those women. They were all mysterious and vague, and socializing with them was…almost like a game. It was easy. And then I met you, and you were so much different, so much so that I found myself entirely unable to act like a decent human being.” He laughed a hollow laugh at his own words. “It sounds ridiculous, I know, but Lady Agnes…” he turned himself to face her, and gazed into her eyes. “You are such a gentle soul, so kind and compassionate. And more than all of that, you are genuine. And…” he looked down at his hands that were clasped tightly together in his lap, “I think that you intimidated me. It caused me so much internal strife that I withdrew like the idiot that I am, and instead of pursuing you the way that I should have, I became caught up in my own shortcomings.”
He wanted more than anything to reach across the distance between them and take her hand in his, but he was not sure if it would be received well, so he refrained. “So, for all of that, and for my inability to be the man that I should have been all along, as well as be the man that you deserve, I hope you will accept my deepest apologies.”
For the first time since she sat down, she looked out over the wall and into the gardens. The sound of the birds’ songs filled the space between them, and for a moment, it felt peaceful. He watched her as she sat still and quiet. He could see that she was thinking, and he did not wish to rush her in any way. He felt much better now that he had been able to explain some of the things he was feeling. He felt as if he was off to a very good start, and he felt confident that all of this was going to work out just fine.
She sighed, and he looked at her.
She turned her eyes back onto him, and he was incredibly surprised. “I must admit, Lord Bridgewater, that this was not at all what I was expecting you to say, when we finally sat down and talked.”
“So you expected that we would be having this conversation as well?” John asked, unable to contain himself. The curiosity was welling up inside of him, and he felt as if he would drop all pretenses in order to reach the truth.
She nodded her head very slowly.
“I did as well. I just knew that we had to sit down and talk, that all of these moments we have shared and not spoken had to come to this.”
She nodded again.
“Why did what I say surprise you?” he asked, a surge of nervousness and excitement coursing through him.
The corners of her mouth pulled up and she laughed a small laugh. She turned her eyes on him, and he saw in them, for the first time since she had arrived, an overflowing joy and anticipation. Her walls had come down, and somehow, everything that had been spoken between them in those last few moments was of more value than anything that had been said before.
“Lord Bridgewater, I have believed you to be utterly indifferent to me.”
He sighed and looked down at his hands. “I was told that repeatedly, by several members of my family.”
“No, I do not mean it in the way that you must assume I mean.” A wry smile appeared on her face. “No, I should not say it.”
“What is it?” he asked, leaning closer to her.
“No, I shouldn’t,” she repeated.
“I do not wish for you to hide anything from me, please,” he said very plainly, hoping she would believe him and understand. “There is nothing that you could say that would make me upset. I promise.”
Her hesitation was plain, but she took a deep breath, steadying herself. “Well, Lord Bridgewater, I felt that you were indifferent toward me…because I was not deserving of you.”
That was not what he had been expecting, and he sat back in his seat.
“I felt unworthy, and it made me very sad. All I wanted to do was to make you happy, and every time that we had any sort of interaction, I felt as if I could not. So, eventually, I just…simply stopped trying.”
He sighed heavily and could not bring himself to meet her eye. How could he have been so foolish as to come across in such a pompous manner? What had he done to make her question him so much? What a poor first impression he had made.
“Lady Agnes, I am…I am terribly, terribly sorry. I never thought that, not once.”
He heard her shift in her seat, but still could not look up.
“I do believe that,” she replied. “Honestly, up until last night, I assumed that you were going to…” she sighed, and forced herself to continue. “I assumed that you were going to break off the engagement.”
He froze, so she had been thinking it too.
“I will not lie to you,” he began. “I did consider ending it. I only wish to be honest with you.” He looked up at her face and saw that his words had hurt her. He held up his hands. “But please do not think I considered it because of me or what I felt was right. No, I believed that you deserved someone who would actually be able to speak to you and connect with you. I felt like a fish out of water around you, and what sort of husband would that make me? A very poor one.” He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. “I could not even bring you tea properly.”
He heard her laugh.
“I thought that was a very kind gesture,” she said, in a small voice. “I did wonder if perhaps someone insist that you do that in order to keep up appearances and had convinced myself of it when you left that night. I felt as if you just simply did not want to be in the room with me.”
“There is nothing further from the truth,” John said, shaking his head back and forth fervently. “Nothing at all. My sister suggested it when I expressed my concern for you, wishing there was something that I could do for you. I hoped that it would be a chance for me to show you how much I care about you. Apparently, I failed as miserably as I thought I had.”
“I do not think you failed, but it gives me comfort to know the truth.”
Silence once more fell around them, and John felt a question hanging in the air between them. He knew that there was much to discuss between them, but there was one that they could not escape if they wished to continue any further down this path.
“Is that…what you want? To end the engagement?” He asked, knowing that she would not voice it herself.
She looked over at him. “Do you?”
He shook his head. “No, not at all. I never did.”
“You told me that you did consider it at one point,” she replied, as calm as he had ever seen her.
“I felt as if there was no choice,” he replied. “However, I see that that isn’t the truth.” He looked intently at her. “And I realized that we did have a choice last night at the ball. That was when I changed my mind.”
“What changed your mind about ending the engagement?” she asked.
He smiled foolishly. “The honest and simple answer is that I saw you with another man, and my heart could not stand it.”
Her eyes widened.
“Jealousy was not something I ever thought I would struggle with, but when I saw you dancing with Lord Yorbourgh, I felt as if you were slipping through my fingers and…” he looked down, nervous about what he was going to say next, “I was terrified that I was going to lose you. The reality was far too painful for me to consider, and I decided right then and there that I would fix all of this and that if I cared for you so much that I reacted so strongly, then this marriage is worth fighting for, and I will make myself worthy of you.”
She studied his face for a long moment, as if searching for the truth that he hoped was obviously written there.
He swallowed hard. “But, Lady Agnes, you have not answered me yet.”
“Answered you what?” she replied.
His gaze settled on her. “Whether or not you wish to end the engagement.”
It was the first time during their conversation that he had been nervous, truly nervous, about the outcome. Everything was in her hands now, and he was not sure that he was safe.
She sighed, looking down at her hands.
Here is the truth, he thought sadly. She does not feel the same way that I do. How in the world am I going to e
xplain this to my parents?
“Hearing how you feel about it has come as quite a shock, my lord,” she began slowly.
Even as he listened to her, he longed for her to tell him quickly, so he could be sure. The anticipation alone was enough to drive a man crazy.
“And I shall not lie to you and tell you that I feel the very same way, for I have done much to protect my heart over the last few weeks. I have guarded myself, wondering if perhaps there was little hope of there being a wedding at all.”
“I see,” John began, the weight settling on his shoulders heavier than he thought he could bear.
He felt her warm hand close over his own. Startled, he looked up at her.
“I believe you are a kind man, Lord Bridgewater. And I think that you have been very honest with me today about everything that has transpired between us. I hope that you know that I have not been angry, and that I believe I understand why you acted the way you had. I…” she looked around.
“Yes?” he asked, when he was not able to handle the hesitation in her voice. “What is your choice? I leave it up to you now.”
She looked at him. “This is what you want, then? To marry me?”
He felt his affections growing for her, despite the fact that she had the power to crush them. “It is what I want more than anything.”
Her eyes softened and her demeanor changed. “I can see that you tell the truth. And that I have been wrong about you all along. I am glad for it.”
He was nearly out of his mind with fear. Come now, good Lady! Just tell me your decision already!
She nodded her head, and tears formed in the corners of her eyes. “Yes, Lord Bridgewater, it is what I want as well.”
The fear disappeared, and a dizzying joy overtook him. He immediately rushed over to her and knelt down in front of her, taking her hands in front of him.
She laughed, the tears shining on her cheeks, but she allowed him to take her hands all the same.
“I will be honest and say that I would have given you a much different answer this morning had you asked me, had you not explained all of this to me,” she said, smiling down at him. “Oh, what a sad thing that would have been. The Lord is good and allowed us to speak so honestly with one another.”
John felt a laugh escape him, and he nodded. “He is indeed good. I would have said no yesterday evening myself.” He shook his head. “How foolish I was.”
“How foolish we were,” she said.
He made to protest, but she shook her head.
“It is true,” she said. “We could have missed out on a marriage that I believe will be a wonderful one simply because we allowed our own assumptions of each other to predominate the truth. Had we simply faced one another instead of our own thoughts, perhaps it would not have been so trying for us.”
John sighed happily. “My lady, no truer words have been spoken.”
He rose to his feet and pulled her to her feet as well.
“Perhaps we should inform our families that there is to be a wedding after all, since I believe most of them will be doubting it.”
“I think that is a wonderful idea.”
Epilogue
Lord Bridgewater and Lady Agnes were married on a sunny afternoon in late June. She wore a beautiful dress adorned with pearls and lace, and he wore the same hat that he had worn to the ball held for their engagement. Neither of them had been happier in their life.
Both sets of parents were overjoyed that they had chosen to follow through with the marriage, and even more so when they realized that their children wished to enter into the union based on more than just obligation.
The manor was abuzz with the changes coming to the family. John and Lady Agnes were now moving to the estate he had inherited, along with all of the new staff. The newlyweds would have to get used to the responsibilities that came with running a household.
One evening after a large celebratory dinner when John and Agnes were back from their honeymoon, John sat beside his siblings, sharing laughs and discussion about what had transpired since he had been gone.
John looked at his brother, who was fixated on his glass of wine in front of himself.
“So, dear brother, when is it your turn?”
Robert turned and looked at his brother, scowling. “I do not have an idea what you could possibly mean,” he replied. He promptly looked back at the glass as if it were far more interesting than his brother.
“Come now, I know that you are quite the catch yourself.”
Robert said nothing, but his expression softened.
“A strong man with a strong faith. Intelligent, caring. It’s a great combination. There should be some sort of woman out there who would be satisfied with that combination.”
Robert twisted the glass in his fingers. “Brother, just because you have been married, it doesn’t matter that I need to be married as well.”
“But you are next in line!” John said, clapping his hand on his shoulder. “Don’t you worry, Father will be knocking at your door very soon. The girls will be married off soon enough, and where will that leave you?”
Robert looked up the table at his sisters.
“Have you not thought of it at all?”
Robert shrugged his shoulders. “On occasion.”
“Is there no one who has caught your eye?”
Robert looked up and down the table. “Honestly? There are plenty of wonderful woman that I have met, and yet, I have not seen a woman who is…” he looked at his brother. “Not a woman who is like Lady Agnes is to you.”
“Don’t worry, a woman will come into your life. Perhaps Father has another connection for you.”
“They have never been as interested in my match as yours,” Robert said. “Which is perfectly acceptable.”
“But think of it this way,” John said. “You have the ability to choose for yourself. Any woman you would wish. It is a wonderful opportunity, brother. And I think that you will do well in it. A woman will come along soon enough. And you will be the happiest man in the world when you do.”
Robert smiled at his brother. He lifted his spoon to his glass and tapped it lightly to get everyone’s attention.
“Everyone, I would like to make a toast,” Robert said, getting to his feet.
Everyone looked up at him with full concentration on his words.
John glanced lovingly across the table at Lady Agnes. She beamed back.
“To my brother, and his lovely new wife!” Robert said, lifting his glass high in the air. “And to all of the rest of our siblings; may we find as happy and wonderful marriages as they have found!”
“Here, here!” Everyone around the table said.
Robert raised his glass, and they all toasted his words. John clapped him on the arm when Robert sat down again.
“Thank you,” John said. “That was very kind.”
“I meant every word,” Robert said. “And you are right. We will find someone eventually, all of us. And how exciting it will be.”
* * *
THE END
Part V
Forbidden Heart: Edgefield Dukedom
1
The bird songs were frequent and pleasant that morning. The air was clear, warm, and fragrant with the recent rose blossoms that filled the grounds. And Lord Robert Stone was meandering slowly down the long, winding drive up, hoping to reach the new home of his eldest brother before luncheon. Otherwise, he knew, his brother’s new wife, Agnes, might never forgive him.
Robert loved the fresh air and chose to walk, rather than take a carriage. He whistled as he strolled, twirling the small package he had in his hands as a gift. He had seen his brother only briefly after they returned from their honeymoon and had not yet had a chance to ask them how they enjoyed their month-long tour of the countryside. Many couples spent time in London, Bath, or perhaps at the summer home of their families. But not his brother and his wife; no, they decided that moving from village to village, visiting various friends and family members was
what they wanted to do. Robert thought their honeymoon choice sounded exhausting. He hoped that when he was married one day, he and his wife would go somewhere quiet, where they could spend time alone, getting to know one another.
He ran his hands through his thick auburn hair that never seemed to stay where he put it. The marriage of his brother caused every member of his family to think about their own future marriages, including his three younger sisters. His sisters would have no issues securing suitable matches, as they were the daughters of the Duke of Edgefield, one of the richest dukes in England.
Being a son, but not the heir, had been a point of contention between Robert and his brother, John, for as long as he could remember. It was not as if he despised his brother’s birth order. Robert wasn’t even jealous of the wealth his brother would inherit. No, it was that as a middle child, and a man, not a woman, his position in his family was very much glanced over.
There would be no grand land he would inherit, and most women would look over him for other men for their status. He knew his family was very well respected, and that alone could secure him a decent match. However, he hated the politics of marriage. He was a simple man with simple wants; how was it so hard for everyone to see that?
Robert’s maternal grandfather had been the one person that cared deeply about Robert’s future. The two had always been close. His grandfather suggested that a respectable thing for Robert to do was to join the church.
Robert scoffed at the idea. The son of a duke? A vicar? It seemed preposterous. He had higher hopes for himself. He wished to see the world, travel, and perhaps spend time in London studying literature and science. He would have much rather become a professor at Oxford, rather than a shepherd of a flock.
It certainly was never that he had a lack of faith; in fact, he was perhaps the most devoted to his beliefs and his love of the Lord of his whole family. So much so that he was quite dogmatic about what was right and what was wrong. It often got him in trouble as a child.