by Ruby Hill
Lord, what is your plan? How could something like this be in Your plan? I trust in You and Your works, but what would You have me do?
He collapsed into the same chair that Alice has been seated in and allowed his head to fall back against the wooden frame.
There is no way for me to be with her. There is no way around any of this. I am not a common man, and she is not a woman of noble birth. There is nothing that can be done to remedy these facts. We are who we were born to be. But, maybe something can change.
Robert picked his head up. His gaze fell upon an open Bible on the table beside the window, its pages open to the book of Romans.
He wiped his hands over his face and rose to his feet. He walked over to the Bible, and the very first verse that his gaze fell upon, Romans 8:28, said, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
Purpose. What was his purpose? To be a man who is governed by what his father and sister tells him he should be? To be a man who must obey the beliefs of society, to marry not for love but for necessity?
He ran his fingers over the open page again, the feeling familiar and comforting.
I think that you would make a wonderful man for the church.
His grandfather’s words rang in his mind as if they had just been spoken to him. Robert was comfortable speaking to large audiences. He loved to study the Word. He had little regard for the dealings of high society.
He wished to marry a woman that was entirely out of his reach because he himself was still tied to the noble classes. It was almost obvious to him now. How he had not seen it all along?
He stood frozen to the spot, his finger still pointing to the verse in Romans.
All things work together for good to those who love God.
For good. Surely something good was to come out of this mess.
Those who are called according to His purpose.
Robert almost gasped with relief. He couldn’t believe that this option had not been obvious to him all along. He was sure that his father would not approve of it. It had always been a sort of secondary desire of his. His grandfather had wanted it, and eventually he had too.
But he had never truly been sure that he would ever actually act on that desire.
Standing at this juncture in his life, it was the choice that seemed to bring him to where he felt called, but also to a place where he could have what he wanted.
He did not want to waste another moment. He dashed out of the room and out of the house without stopping to see anyone.
He had to find his father before it was too late.
7
“I cannot believe what my ears are hearing right now.”
Robert stood in his father’s study, across from his father who sat at his desk. The room was cold, and Robert wasn’t entirely sure it was because the study was on the northern side of the estate and never saw any direct sunlight, or if it was because his father was furious at Robert’s words.
Robert gazed back at his father patiently.
His father sat back in his chair and looked at the open book that he had been reading when Robert abruptly entered the room. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“What has brought you to this conclusion all of the sudden?” the duke asked, still not looking up at Robert. “This has something to do with that girl, doesn’t it?”
Robert felt his cheeks flush. “Father, I have discussed entering the church for a long time. Ever since grandfather suggested it, it has remained in my mind like a seed just waiting to grow. And it has grown, tall and strong, and I will not be swayed from this choice.”
His father looked up at his son, his brows now forming one long line across his forehead.
“What has you so convinced of this?” his father asked.
Robert steeled himself. He had spent the entire carriage ride from John’s home dissecting his own argument, attempting to make it as flawless as possible, so that his father would have no argument against it.
He had known that his father would partially see through his rouse, but he clasped his hands behind his back and looked back steadily at his father.
“I am the second son, and since I am not a daughter to marry off, I have perhaps the least valuable outcome.”
His father meant to protest, but Robert held up his hand. “Please, Father, allow me to continue.”
His father slowly sat back in his chair and laid his hands together on his lap. “Go on, then.”
Robert sighed. “As I said, I am to inherit very little. There is no dowry for a son, and I do not have much of a chance for a match.”
His father rolled his eyes. “We have talked about this many times, my son. You do have a good chance for a good match. Our family name alone is worth more than most. And it’s not true that you will inherit very little. The land and money I have put aside for you will provide a very comfortable life. Many families would be proud for their daughter to marry you.”
Robert pursed his lips together, stilling his tongue with the retort that had formed in his mind. “I believe that is wishful thinking, Father, and I have seen it play out much more differently than that so far. I am quite all right with that, honestly,” he added, seeing the look on his father’s face.
“It is not that I wish for you to inherit less than your brother. It’s just the way it’s done,” his father replied.
“My place in the family leaves little purpose in my life,” Robert continued. “I do not wish to waste my days reading books and attending parties. No, I wish to make it worthwhile. And I believe going into the church would allow me to have that.”
His father’s jaw tightened, and he sighed heavily, looking at his hands in his lap. “My son, a man of the church… I never thought I’d see anything quite like that.”
Robert shrugged his shoulders. “It is an honorable alternative, Father. This would allow my sisters to be related to a duke, but also to a man of faith. I would be well respected for both my family name as well as my profession. In my mind, there is no downside.”
His father studied him silently.
“I know your mother always agreed with her father about his assessment of you. You have always been an example of how to walk with Christ to your siblings. Perhaps too tenacious at times, but your conviction is a good thing.”
Robert waited expectantly. He felt as if he were balancing on the edge of a sword; one swift wind would knock him one way or another.
His father sighed, placing his hands on the arm of his chair, raising himself up to a standing position.
“And what of the maid?” his father asked, and Robert knew that this was the point he was trying to get to all along.
Robert swallowed hard. “I would be free from the burden of bringing shame to the family by marrying below my station,” Robert replied simply. “Nothing would stop me from marrying whoever accepted my offer.”
They stood staring at one another for a few moments. His father’s face was blank, and Robert was unsure if he was angry or apathetic.
“I love your mother with the same fierceness that you have for this young woman,” he replied eventually, rather quietly, and his face softened.
Robert almost didn’t believe what he had heard.
“I would have given up everything in my life to be with her. I nearly did. But God is funny, and He works things out in the most peculiar ways.”
His face slipped into a smile, and he met Robert’s gaze.
“I understand, son. I do.”
Robert felt his heart begin to hammer against his chest.
“You…you do? But earlier, you were so furious with me. I—”
“I was upset because you were losing your head over it all. If this was an infatuation, it would have come and gone like many others. I reacted poorly. I assumed you were acting foolishly, selfishly, and childishly. I was wrong.”
Robert could not reply. He felt as if his mouth had been sewn shut.
“You really love this woman,” and he was more of a statement than a question. “You are willing to sacrifice an entire life, the only life you have ever known, to be with her.”
To hear it so starkly put, Robert felt tingles of fear and excitement run down his spine. But his father was not wrong. He was sure that he would do those things.
He was about to do those things.
“I am,” he said, and his voice was hoarse. “I do not wish to live my life without her.”
His father walked around the side of the desk and clapped his son on the shoulder. They looked at each other for a moment, and that was when Robert knew that his father truly did understand his heart.
“We shall make arrangements, then. You shall be given land and what you are to inherit. You will be able to provide a very comfortable life for your bride. We shall cover the expenses for the wedding and for your training.”
“Father, you do not have to–”
“I insist. And so will your mother.” He smirked. “She is going to be very interested to hear all of this. She was not pleased with me or with your sister yesterday. Said we were insensitive and unkind. She was not wrong.” The duke’s demeanor softened. “Robert, you are not giving up anything to be with the woman whom you love. We, as your family, will support you and stand behind your decision.”
The duke embraced his son.
“Perhaps you should go find this young woman and share with her the news.”
“I should,” Robert replied, and suddenly, an entire new set of fears filled his mind.
What will she say? Will she be angry? Will she accept me? What if she is already gone? What if she truly does not want to have me?
He allowed himself a few moments of composure before he called for the carriage.
He arrived at his brother’s manor before the sun had set again and told the carriage driver to return to the estate; he had no idea how long it would be before he returned.
The butler greeted him at the door, seemingly confused since Robert had just left a few hours earlier. Robert was allowed inside and found Agnes passing through the foyer.
“Agnes,” he said, dashing across the room to her. “I’m glad I found you. I must speak to Alice… I mean Thompson.”
She seemed startled to see him, her eyes wide with surprise. “Robert, I thought you had gone home.”
“I did, and now I am back. I must speak to Thompson. It is very important.”
Her gaze hardened and she straightened. “John told me that you were not to see each other again. She is to be relocated, and this will just make things more difficult. You must understand that, Robert.”
He grabbed her by the shoulders and looked into her eyes. “The plan has changed entirely. I must see her. Please.”
She studied his face, her brow furrowed.
“Oh, all right,” she said, and she turned to walk up the stairs.
Eagerly, he followed after her.
Agnes led him to a door in a more secluded part of the manor. Robert hadn’t been to that part of the house since he was a child as it was Agnes’s personal quarters.
She came to a halt outside of a door near the end of the hall. She wrapped on the wooden surface with a knuckle.
“Alice, dear, there is someone here to see you.”
They waited for a reply. It took a moment before they heard one.
“Who is it?”
Her voice sounded thick, as if she were sick.
Agnes shot him a sidelong look and sighed. “It’s Robert, dear.”
Silence once more.
“He says it is very important. He says that he needed to see you right away.”
They heard soft footsteps on the other side of the door, and then the knob turned.
Her face appeared in the opening, and Robert’s heart lurched in his chest.
Agnes smiled. “Well, I shall just give you two a moment to talk.”
Robert hardly noticed her leave.
He and Alice stared at one another for a few moments. Only the sound of their breaths broke the silence, and Robert was sure that Alice must be able to hear his heart thumping against his rib cage.
“Hello,” Robert said eventually, unable to stand the silence any longer.
“Hello,” she replied, and she made to curtsy.
“Please, don’t,” he said quietly. A lump formed in his throat, and he tried to clear it away with a cough.
She looked at him with piercing eyes, and his nerves nearly got the best of him.
“I know that we said that we weren’t ever going to see each other again, that this was the end of our relationship…”
She looked up at him expectantly, her eyes wide. Was she nervous, too? Was she hopeful?
“But something has come up, something that I think you should know about.” He took a deep breath, and felt a small smile pass over his face. “When I was younger, my grandfather told me that he believed I would make a good vicar. At first I believed he was wrong. Why would someone in my situation ever go into the church? However, those thoughts were focused on comfort and want, not out of purpose.”
Purpose. That word definitely seemed as if it was following him.
Alice continued to watch him patiently. He knew that he was going a bit far back into his history, but he wanted her to understand the entire story. He needed her to.
“As I grew, the idea became more palatable. I knew that being a vicar was a respected profession, and I had grown very fond of the church when I would attend on Sunday mornings. I listened to the sermons with great attention, and my father often had to drag me out of the church because I would talk and talk with the vicar, often asking questions that most other people would not.
“Eventually, the vicar decided to sort of take me under his wing and tutor me. I learned much about the Bible and about being a man of God. All of these things were important to me, are important to me. I have given much of my time to the church already.”
Robert paused. “But as I grew older, the dream of joining the church faded slightly.” He scratched the back of his head. “I’m rambling, I realize. I do have a point, I promise.”
She smiled meekly. “I trust that you do.”
“I had essentially forgotten about it, except when my brother was married, the urgency of making a decision was pressed upon me. I was next in line, and it would be expected of me to make a decision. I attended more balls, attempting to meet a potential spouse. But it never felt right to me. I was always aware that I was the second son, not the heir. That would affect me more than my decision of what to do with my life.”
He sighed, coming to the ultimate point of his story.
“That is when you stepped into my life. A woman unlike any that I had ever met. A woman who caused me to really look at my own life. You caused my wants and desires to change, and it happened entirely without my knowing it. It was as if I had woken up from a dream, and my entire life was leading me to the moment when we met.”
He could see the confusion on her face.
He laughed quietly. “I understand. How do these two match up? Well, I shall make it simple. When you and I believed that we could never be together, that was speaking from the perspective of a man who thought he had nowhere else to go, no way to change his circumstances. My father and sister had reminded me of that fact, and in a way, you and I have accepted it as the only possibility as well. But that’s not true. I have found a way for us to be together.”
Her eyes lit up like the stars at night, and she stood a little taller, her expression expectant. But still she remained silent, listening to each word as if he might be his last.
“I have told my father that I am going to join the church. I have wanted it for a long time, but now I know that is what I am meant to do. Also, it means that I can be with you.”
She looked stunned, and her eyes shone with bright tears.
“Robert, you will be giving up living in a grand home, and we both know there will still be gossip. D
o you really want to sacrifice to much so that we may be together?”
He nodded his head, feeling the tears rise in his own eyes. “I am not sacrificing anything. I am taking control of my own life, and to me, I can’t think of anything that would make me happier. That is, if you will have me.”
She nodded her head without missing a moment as she threw herself into his arms.
He was startled and staggered back under her embrace, but soon after, he returned the gesture. He held her tightly against him and buried his face into her hair.
She sobbed into his chest, her arms tight around his back.
He was not sure if he should laugh or cry, so he just continually told her over and over that everything was all right, that he was there, and that nothing was going to separate them ever again.
“So, am I to assume that you have accepted?” he whispered into her ear, and grinned.
She pulled herself away from him and said with beaming eyes, “I honestly thought I would never hear you say those things. I never thought we had a chance to be together.”
“Nor did I,” he said. He traced a finger down the side of her face, using his thumb to wipe a tear from her cheek.
“I love you,” he said, just above a whisper, losing himself in her silvery gaze.
Fresh tears spilled onto her cheeks, and she laughed. “And I love you.”
They wasted no time telling anyone and everyone their news. John and Agnes were the most excited for them, feeling as if it was meant to be, and offering to do anything to help them continue on their way.
They wished to be married as soon as they could, as Robert would need to go to London for training. Once he was ordained, they would find a new place to live and to serve in a church. Everyone hoped that they would be able to find a church nearby.
Robert wondered how many of his family members believed him to have lost his mind for marrying a maid, but he was pleased to know that his father understood. That was all that mattered to him.
8
The first ambers and golds of fall were seen in the trees, and the wind was stronger and cooler. The clouds overhead grew in size, and there was nothing but the smell of cinnamon and apples in the air.