She’d tried to tell herself that telling him how she felt was selfish. But maybe not saying anything at all was the more selfish move.
She nodded. “Okay. I’ll go over there.”
Ronnie whooped and gave her a hug that nearly squeezed the life out of her. When the hug was over, Jeremy held his hand up for a high five. Marci slapped it.
“Don’t start celebrating too much, guys,” Marci said. “The battle isn’t even half over.”
“The hardest part of it is,” Ronnie said. Jeremy readily agreed.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Taking a deep breath, Marci knocked on the door to the apartment. Dante opened it and smiled.
“It’s about time,” he said. “Go get him.”
Marci could only smile in response. Her stomach was a knot of nerves, and she had no idea how she was going to start, what she was going to say. She was about to try to break up an engagement. She who had sworn off all relationships. Oh man, this was all kinds of crazy.
“He’s in his room packing. I’m gonna give you two some privacy. I was on my way out anyway.” Dante gave Marci a quick hug and then slipped past her into the hallway.
Reminding herself to breathe, and that this was Owen, she stepped into the apartment and closed the door after her. She knew him, and he wasn’t going to take her head off either way. He wasn’t going to laugh at her or sneer. He was way too good of a person for that.
Owen came out of his bedroom, and she stopped in her tracks. He was looking down at something in his hands and didn’t see her right away.
“Dante, what did you do with the rest of my boxes?” He looked up. “Oh. You’re not Dante.” He was looking all good as usual in a tee that was just fitted enough to call attention to the chest underneath it. His sculpted biceps strained against the gray fabric of the short sleeves. His stunning face was the perfect picture of surprise.
“No. I’m not.” Man, she kept saying it because it was true. It really wasn’t fair for him to look that good to her. How could any one person be blessed with so many good genes?
“What are you doing here?” he asked it without any malice in his tone, only genuine curiosity.
“I heard you’re moving to New York,” she said.
“Yep.” He gestured toward the dining room.
Following the direction of his hand, she saw boxes boxes stacked in the dining room she hadn’t noticed before. “Why did you send me a save-the-date card?”
“A what? I didn’t…” He closed his eyes, let out a growl of frustration, and banged his fist against his thigh. “Kristin. That’s what she was doing with the directory. I told her not to do that.”
“You don’t want me at your wedding?”
“I didn’t think you’d want to be there.”
She nodded. She took a few steps forward so that she stood in the middle of the living room. She saw that it was packing tape Owen was holding in his hands now that she was closer. He remained where he was, near the door to his room. She really missed that room. Turning her gaze back to him, she realized he was looking at her expectantly.
“My mom’s been married ten times,” she said. “Her newest, husband number ten, is in his early thirties. He’s literally just a few years older than me. She treats marriage like a game. A joke. And I’ve grown to believe, because of her and for other reasons, that it is.”
Owen shifted the packing tape he was holding from hand to hand. He made no attempt to respond to that, and she wasn’t sure what she wanted him to say anyway.
“You see,” she said, trying again, “I have a problem. And the problem is, I’m not very good with relationships or feelings or anything like that. But I’m in love with you. It’s scary, and I don’t know what you’ll think or what you’ll say, but I had to tell you. You need to know that. I love you. So much. I fought it so hard, and you were so right when you said I was afraid to admit it, and you are so right. For me.” She forced herself to stop talking, to give him a moment to digest her words.
Owen tossed the packing tape toward the couch where it landed. Crossing his arms over his chest, he looked her in the eye for a long time without moving. His face was a neutral mask.
The silence was driving her out of her mind. Her thoughts went everywhere from he hates me now to maybe he’s just overwhelmed and he’s going to run over and hug me any minute and tell me that it’s okay.
She couldn’t take the silence anymore, so she kept talking. “There was this boy. In high school. So naïvely, I thought we were going to be the exception, one of those few couples who make it after high school. He was my first.” She gave a little shake of her head. “When I found out he was cheating on me with my best friend, I was devastated. Never talked to either of them again after that. You know what my mom said when she found out? She came into my room, sat next to me on my bed, and put her arm around me. And she said in the most sincere tone, and she really did—does—believe this. She said, ‘Oh honey. All men cheat. You better get used to it.’” Marci laughed bitterly, lost in that memory for a moment. “That’s just one sample of Glenda King’s great parenting skills. She’s so very maternal.”
Owen nodded but made no other moves.
“During sophomore year of undergrad, I met this guy. And I just lost it. I lost all control. I couldn’t function when he wasn’t around. And he claimed to have fallen just as hard for me.” Just the memory brought back those feelings of fear and helplessness. “I became so dependent on what we had. Then he left me for someone else. And I was so determined that him leaving was something I could fix. That if I just solved the problem by showing him I was worthy of him, I could have him. He’d be happy with me.” She took a deep, shaky breath. “It’s an awful feeling to realize that no matter what you change about yourself, no matter how hard you try, you can’t make yourself be what someone wants if that person just doesn’t want you anymore. You can’t shape yourself to be…any more than what you are. And if what you are isn’t enough…”
“You should never feel that way. That you’re not enough,” Owen said in that quiet yet firm way of his.
“Anyway, the point is, I started to feel that again. That out of control feeling. With you. I was becoming too dependent on what we had. And it scared the shit out of me. I freaked out. After…him…the college guy. I mean…I didn’t…nothing’s scarier to me than letting someone in that way. You can really get hurt like that.” Marci worried her dad’s class ring on its chain around her neck. “I sent him twenty birthday cards for his twentieth birthday, which was about a month after we broke up. He didn’t have them returned to sender, but he never so much as sent a text or email saying he got them, either. Later, I imagined him and his new girlfriend laughing over them. Laughing at what a pathetic fool I was. I’d rather die alone than be that love-broken again.”
“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Owen said. The sincerity in his eyes caused her heart to take a hard yet hopeful leap forward. In that moment, he seemed very much like the old Owen. The Owen she’d had before she messed everything up.
“But?” she made herself ask even though she was afraid of whatever was coming next.
“Marci, I’ll never stop loving you, but I mean, I don’t know if that’s a good thing.”
She staggered toward the couch and had a seat on the arm. She felt that familiar aching at the back of her throat. That old familiar sting. She’d known it could go this way but had hoped it wouldn’t.
“I wonder,” Owen said. “Would you be here if I weren’t going to marry Kristin and if I weren’t about to move to New York?”
“What do you mean?”
“Girls like you, Marci, they like the chase. How do I know that you won’t run off again after you catch me?”
Marci shook her head and stood. “I knew this was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have come here.” She stumbled toward the door. “I’m sorry,” she said as she focused on making it to the door without falling over her own two feet. “It was wrong of me to come here.” S
he turned to face him after opening the door. “I know I’m going to regret screwing up my chance with you for the rest of my life. It’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, and somehow I think it’s the biggest one I ever will make.” With that, she closed the door behind her and took off down the hall.
#
Marci couldn’t face going straight home after her disastrous visit with Owen. She drove down various back roads through the West End of Richmond with no clue where they led. Just aimlessly wandering around somewhere in the vicinity of the University of Richmond. She didn’t care where she went. She just had to keep moving.
What had she expected really? After the way she treated him, she shouldn’t have expected more than having her confession of love thrown back in her face. And she deserved it, really.
It was a beautiful spring day. Lush green leaves were thick on the trees that lined both sides of the road. The leaves were thriving thanks to plenty of rain lately. The afternoon was warm enough to put the windows down but not so hot that she needed the A/C. A gold sun burned in the late afternoon sky. The scenery surrounding her was much too beautiful to match the dark, heavy thoughts rampaging through her mind. All the chances she’d had to get it right, and she’d thrown away each and every one of them.
She dreaded the idea of going home and finding Ronnie there. Of Ronnie, all hopeful, asking how it went. Of having to relive the whole thing as she explained to Ronnie how she’d crashed and burned.
Maybe she would just keep driving. Drive all the way to California. Why not? The semester was over now. By the time she got back to Virginia, Owen would be long gone. Hell, by Monday, Owen would be long gone.
See? She’d tried to tell herself love wasn’t worth it. Except it was. She realized that some of the happiest moments of her life had involved Owen. A soft shock to her sharp side. Just those few short months with him had changed her. He’d crashed into her life and improved it against her will. And then there was Thanksgiving. How many times had he come through for her?
No matter what, she was glad he knew. Even if it hadn’t turned out the way she wanted it to, he at least knew she had a heart under all the layers of sneering at love and pretending not to care. She couldn’t bring herself to regret letting him know that. After all he’d done for her, he deserved to know that. She’d meant it when she told him he was one of the good ones. One of the best. And truthfully, he deserved better than her. The problem was, he deserved better than Kristin, too.
But she knew she couldn’t drive all the way to California that day. Eventually, she was going to have to head back to the apartment. Face real life. Might as well get it over with.
When Marci pulled onto her street, she stopped her car in the middle of the road. Owen’s jeep was parked across from her building. He sat on the hood of it with his perfect arms crossed over his chest in the early evening twilight.
Chapter Thirty-Five
A honking horn got Marci moving again. She haphazardly pulled her car into a spot in the lot for her building, jumped out, and forced herself not to run to Owen. He watched her approach with those gorgeous gray eyes of his.
“You didn’t give me a chance to finish what I had to say earlier.” He remained perched on the jeep. He patted the empty space on the hood next to him. She climbed up and sat next to him. He leaned back a little and peered at her. “That was a lot to take in all at once, you know.”
“I know, but I meant every word of it,” she said. “Okay, so love can be a gamble, but being with you is worth the risk. And no, it’s not about the chase.” She grabbed one of his hands, and he let her have it. Her heart jumped at having his skin in contact with hers for the first time in too long. She held his hand with both of hers. His hand remained limp in hers, but at least he didn’t pull away. “I don’t need you financially. I can take care of myself. I’m on the track to a good career. I don’t need you socially. I have friends. Good friends. But I want every part of you. Every. Part. And my heart needs you in a way that makes me weak all over whenever I so much as hear your name. In a way that makes me feel vulnerable and afraid. A way that makes me crazy when I think about you not being in my life. And that’s what makes me detest the idea of you with Kristin or Brynn or anyone but me. Not the chase. Not some stupid game. It’s because I love you with my whole heart.”
His fingers curled around hers.
“It’s scary how much I love you. And now that I’ve said it, I can’t stop saying it apparently.” She laughed to keep from crying. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I was the world’s biggest fool to take so long to realize it.” She gazed up at his unreadable expression and thought, Please let me have one more chance. I won’t screw it up this time. I promise.
Breaking into a grin he said, “I have a proposition for you. Hear me out.”
She laughed, and her heart lifted and beat like a hummingbird’s wings. She thought for a moment it might spring right out of her chest. “What is it?”
“I’ll give you a little of what you want if you give me a little of what I want.”
Tears of joy trickled down her cheeks. “Go on. I’m listening,” she said.
He reached up and wiped away her tears with his thumbs. “Here it is. A compromise. I’ll give you my heart for the rest of your life if you promise to be careful with it and to give me yours in return. I promise.” He looked at her earnestly and brought her hands to his lips. “I’ll be careful with it.” He kissed her fingers
She jumped into his lap and wrapped her legs around his waist. “I don’t have a right to be this happy. Not after the way I acted.”
“Sh.” He shook his head. “All that’s done now. It’s behind us.”
She pressed her lips to his and stayed there without moving for a moment. Just enjoying the feel of his lips on hers again. He pushed her mouth open with his, and she eagerly responded to his kiss. She squeezed closer to him. Pleasure exploded and flooded every inch of her body.
She was kissing Owen again. Something she’d thought less than an hour ago would never be possible again. She’d missed every part of him right down to her core. He put his arms around her, and she tightened her legs around his waist. She didn’t think she’d ever be able to get close enough to him. Not ever. Not even if she remained in his lap like this for the rest of her life. And that wouldn’t be a bad way at all to spend the rest of her life.
“Maybe we should go inside,” he mumbled over her lips between kisses.
She finally, reluctantly, pulled back. “What about Kristin?”
He pressed his forehead to hers. “I broke up with her before I came over here. It wasn’t ideal, I hate breaking up with anyone over the phone, but I had no choice. I couldn’t wait one more moment for us to be together. We’ve already had to wait too long.” He linked his fingers through hers.
“Because of me,” she said quietly. She couldn’t believe how lucky she was that he’d been so patient with her. That he’d come back to her.
“Don’t do that,” he said. “It’s done now. Behind us.”
“Just like that.”
He nodded. “Just like that.”
“You won’t throw it in my face when we fight?”
He laughed. “Does that seem like something I’d do?”
She grinned. “No. You know what? It doesn’t.” She hugged him close. “I’m beyond lucky to have you. Thank you. For loving me. For coming back to me.”
He rubbed small circles on her back. “If you really want to thank me, why don’t we go upstairs?”
She laughed. Sliding away from him, she jumped to her feet in front of the jeep without letting go of his hand. He was right behind her. Without letting go of each other, they made their way across the street and up the stairs to Marci’s apartment.
As soon as they were in her room, Owen led her by the hand over to the bed.
“How can you be so forgiving? Loving? Perfect?” Marci wanted to know.
“No one’s perfect,” he said. “Def
initely not me.”
“You seem like it to me. You’re so good. So upbeat. Even after all you’ve been through. How’s that possible?”
“Happiness is a choice, Marci.” He kissed her knuckles gently. “You can choose to be miserable and self-loathing and hate everything and that’s not going to change one thing about your situation. Or you can choose happiness. You can choose to make the best of the hand you’ve been dealt. And even if things still aren’t the greatest, you’re not making yourself unnecessarily miserable.” Sadness clouded Owen’s eyes, and he laughed a somewhat broken laugh. His eyes took on that same faraway look they’d had at Thanksgiving when she’d asked about his dad and sister. “A glass half full kind of life.”
She hugged him close. “Will you teach me that?”
“Sure. I think you’re already picking it up, though.”
“How’s that?”
He put his fingers under her chin and looked into her eyes. “You came back to me. Didn’t you?”
“You have my whole heart.” She put her arms around his neck and pulled him back onto the bed with her.
Shifting his weight to his elbows and forearms, he looked down at her. He gave her loud, smacking kisses on her cheeks and neck, and she laughed and wondered how it was possible to be this ecstatically happy. Her heart kept swelling with joy and love. She expected it to burst any moment now. She’d never felt anything quite like this before. Not ever. It was a crazy kind of rush.
“You’re right,” she said.
“About what?” he asked, busy helping her slip her shirt over her head.
“Love is like a drug. And I’m addicted to you.” She wiggled out of her pants.
“Good.”
“There was no one else,” she said suddenly. It mattered to her; she wanted him to know. “Between our last time and right now, I slept with no one.”
He caressed her cheek before kissing it. Then he got undressed without saying a word. He sat back on his heels and trailed his fingers up and down her thighs, raising goose bumps on her skin where he touched it. Needing him close, she grabbed his hands and pulled him to her. He went easily into her arms without resisting her pull in the slightest.
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