“Gott does want us to be together Emma.” He whispers to her softly. “I’m sure of it. Only a cruel Gott would make us feel this way so much if he didn’t want our love to be. And Gott isn’t cruel Emma; he loves. If we could only be given a chance to prove our love, the love Gott’s given us, to everyone else then they surely couldn’t deny it any longer.” Benjamin pauses, thinking deeply about a possible solution to the situation Emma and he have found themselves in. The girl continues to shiver as the cold night air freezes the trails of water down her face, made up out of her fallen tears. Suddenly the boy holds her away from him again. He places his hands on her shoulders and smiles brightly as a brilliant idea has struck him.
“We’ll go to the city.” He tells her. Emma’s eyes widen at the suggestion. This is not something she would feel comfortable doing, but she doesn’t say anything to Benjamin. He looks so hopeful that leaving this place will be the answer to all of their problems that she doesn’t have the heart to take those hopes away from him. “As my daed said to you, Gott can be found anywhere. We can show our love for each other in the city, where no one will be around to keep us apart. We can be together this way Emma. Forever.” There’s a faraway look in the boy’s eyes as he imagines this, one that’s dreamy and longing for that beautiful future.
“But… how?” Emma finds herself asking eventually, despite her lack of want to discourage the mann. Benjamin looks at her questioningly, not realizing that he hasn’t fully thought out all of the details of his reckless plan yet. “How will we get to the city without anyone here finding out about what we’re planning? Even then, where will we stay when we get there Benjamin? We’ll need somewhere to live.” Benjamin’s thoughtful again as he considers these things, removing his hands from Emma’s shoulders as he brings one of them up to his face to complete the expression.
“We can leave tonight.” Benjamin decides, putting the hand to his other as he yet again arrives at a conclusion that’s gut enough for him. “Once my familye, and your ant and uncle are asleep, I’ll come back to your haus, with horses for us to ride out of here.” He goes on. “And you have familye in the city, don’t you? We can stay with them until we can find a place of our own. We’ll be able to be together Emma. That’s all that will matter.”
“I don’t know Benjamin.” Emma says uncertainly. She steps back from her enthusiastic lover. “There was so little faith in God in the city I came from. That’s why I left there in the first place… I don’t know if I can go back there now. Not for gut.” She admits, looking down at the floor and away from Benjamin.
“You don’t need to worry about all of that Emma.” Benjamin assures her. “I’ll be there to protect you from anything that might happen. And once we’re married, with Gott’s blessing if no-one else’s, our faith in him will be stronger than ever, it won’t matter whether others around us believe in him or not. Our own faith won’t ever be affected by others again.” He tells her with such sincerity that Emma does start to come around to the idea Benjamin’s suggesting, of leaving the city and getting married elsewhere, to show their deep love for each other.
“Okay.” She says eventually. She looks up at him with some determination, that’s more often been seen in the boy she is with, in her eyes.”Let’s go.” Benjamin nods, his smile not leaving his face as the excitement over what the two are going to do so shortly washes over him. He’s wanted to travel to the city for a long time; Emma coming to the community has been the only thing distracting him from that desire, and now she wants to leave with him for the place that he truly wants to be. This is like a dream come true for the mann.
“Do you still have Englischer clothes from when you first moved here?” He asks. Emma nods. She may not have had a need to unpack them once she’d arrive, but they’re sitting in her luggage still, waiting to be worn. “Gut. Wear them and I… I’ll think of something.” He laughs off any worries over what he is going to wear himself in preparation for when he arrives in the city. “I will come back for you later Emma.” He assures the woman one last time, before turning to leave. “I promise.”
* * *
“Emma… you waited for me.” Benjamin smiles fondly upon his return to Ruth and Jonah’s haus with his farm’s horses he has led here. Emma is waiting outside as she had been so patiently before today. She smiles as he approaches, looking warmer than she had been before in the hooded jacket and slimly cut, yet thick jeans she is wearing now. Benjamin cannot say he is so warm in this chilly night air with the simple, plain white shirt and black trousers he is wearing, but this does not concern him. All that matters is that he is with Emma now and, if their departure goes well, he can be with her from this day onwards. “We should get going.” He eventually speaks again, though keeps the words to a low whisper to prevent the pair from being discovered.
“Oh.” Emma says once she’s close enough to see the animals that Benjamin has brought over for them to ride out of the Amish county. Neither are horses that she recognizes. “Where is Joseph?” She asks.
“He’s a horse that’s well known by my familye.” Benjamin tells her as he gets up onto one of the mares he has brought over. “Someone would soon notice he was missing if I brought him. Besides, these horses are just as gut as any others for riding.” The deep snort from the one meant for Emma once these words are spoken doesn’t leave her feeling confident in the mann’s words. She stands frozen to the spot for a long time, until Benjamin gets down from the horse he recently mounted and helps the girl up onto the other. “Come on.” He says, leading Emma and her horse away from the haus once he is back upon his own horse. “We shouldn’t stay here for too long.”
The pair ride on through the night, neither being able to see all that far in front of the horses as they walk on, but Benjamin is less willing to make known that he doesn’t know where they are going. He continues leading the way without halting. Emma looks at the surroundings frequently, unable to shake the feeling that they are so unfamiliar to her even when considering how dark it is. She doesn’t remember coming this way on the long buggy ride up to her ant and uncle’s haus and she had spent a lot of time gazing out of the window during that ride.
“Benjamin…?” Emma speaks up, after a long while of following the mann’s lead silently. “I’m still so unsure about us doing this.” She reveals. Benjamin pulls his horse to a sudden stop and turns to the girl.
“What? But Emma, I thought you wanted us to be together; I thought this is what we both wanted.” He tells her, sounding hurt that she would be telling him this now.
“I know, and I do.” She holds her horse’s reins close to her anxiously, irritating the animal as its head is raised but Emma doesn’t seem to have noticed this yet. Neither has Benjamin, as the two are so focused on the conversation that they are having right now. “But this still feels wrong. God wouldn’t want us sneaking away like this, or for us to take your familye’s horses without their knowing.”
“We won’t keep them.” Benjamin says. “Once we’re settled in the city, we’ll return the horses… somehow.” He kicks the horse he is riding to walk on now, expecting Emma to follow now that this has been clarified, in his opinion.
“Benjamin…” Emma speaks up again wanting to get his attention. She doesn’t move her own horse any further forwards. Whether he’s heard her calling out to him or not, the mann doesn’t stop moving, or turn around. “Benjamin.” She says again, louder this time, but still the mann doesn’t give any indication that he has noticed Emma is talking to him. “Benjamin! I don’t want us to go to the city if it’s going to change you in this way.” She shouts after him, more panicked then before. The boy takes heed this time and looks back at her, but not before Emma’s horse picks up on her anxiety. The mare bolts as the girl’s worries channel into it.
Benjamin looks on in horror as the woman he loves is carried right by him at a dangerous speed, even for an experienced rider. The boy quickly gets his own horse to give chase. It takes a while to catch up, but once the horse
is running alongside Emma’s, Benjamin can see the terror in the girl’s face as she holds onto the reins tightly and grips the horse’s body with her legs as she desperately tries not to fall off. With one last desperate kick from Benjamin, his horse overtakes Emma’s. It stands firmly in the other mare’s path, holding its ground dutifully as it is charged towards. Emma’s horse grinds to halt, rearing up slightly as it does so. Benjamin’s heart is in his mouth by this point. He fears what may happen to Emma, and all because he wanted to drag her back to the city when she’d made it clear she’d rather they both stay.
Thankfully Emma manages to stay on, Benjamin is relieved to see as the beast places her forefeet back upon the ground. It stands still, breathing heavily after the exertion it has put its body through. Benjamin is quickly off of his own horse and beside Emma’s to get her down after that potentially disastrous mishap. The girl looks at him with wide eyes, trembling in fear. It doesn’t look like she’s ready to trust the man again after what’s just happened.
“Emma… calm down.” He tries telling her. There is sorrow in his eyes from the way she is looking at him with such a betrayed air. “You’re safe now.” He continues trying to comfort her regardless. She needs this now. Extremely cautious and very slowly, Emma slides down from the horse. She stands, still so shaken by her experience, for a long while. Then Benjamin pulls her into a protective embrace. It takes a lot longer still for Emma to relax in his arms.
“… You were right.” He says, finally giving in as he rests his head on hers. He sighs in defeat. “Let’s go home.” At last he pulls away and takes his hand in hers. Each of them leads a horse back the way they came with the hand they are not already using as they walk back, all joined. Emma says nothing all the while on the journey, still in shock. Benjamin says nothing also, but his reasons for this are the shame he feels for allowing this to happen.
Chapter 8
Both Benjamin and Emma are kept away from each other for a long week after that night. It’s a grueling time for the both of them, but their parental figures have insisted on this punishment once they found out about the escapade the young lovers attempted to embark upon. Maybe Benjamin had thought the plan was well thought out enough to keep it hidden from the rest of the community, but it hadn’t taken long for others to hear about it. From Emma’s distinctly more shaken demeanor, if nothing else. Benjamin’s been significantly affected too and Joshua yet again picks up on his friend’s drastic change of mood.
“… You truly miss her.” He makes a point of saying as the boys are out working the fields some days later. Benjamin doesn’t answer. His work pace has slowed too, though the reasons for this are not the same as they were previously. Joshua shakes his head. He really doesn’t like seeing his close friend this way. “I can see that myself, and others can too.” He sighs, before going on. “If being kept from her is truly affecting you so deeply, then perhaps you can talk to your familye, or even hers. Ask them to reprieve the punishment they have imposed upon you, if only briefly. It may not be for long, but at least you’d get to see Emma again.”
“She won’t want to see me.” Benjamin stops Joshua from continuing. Every word he’s said so far has felt like it was stabbing the younger mann in the heart and he can’t bear to hear them anymore. Joshua is taken aback by the claim. Everything Benjamin and Emma have been through up until now, including their attempted disappearance into the night, have led Joshua to believe that they are truly meant to be together now, despite the misgivings he earlier had about how quickly the relationship seemed to developing.
“Do you really believe that Benjamin?” He eventually asks, after being left silenced by the boy’s sudden declaration. Benjamin pauses in his work. Joshua cannot see his face to read his expression, but he sees the younger mann’s back muscles tense. He can tell that Benjamin has his doubts from this. “Why do you think she wouldn’t want to see you now, after all that talk of Gott wanting the two of you to be together? Gott’s will wouldn’t change so easily.”
“That hasn’t changed.” Benjamin speaks up again, though with less force than he had previously. “I love Emma as much as I ever have; Gott hasn’t changed that. But…I was a fool Joshua. There was a point she could have really gotten hurt on our ride into the city. That’s why I brought her back here, knowing how people would react when they found out about what we’d tried to do. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something hurt Emma Joshua… especially if I was the one to cause that hurt.” Joshua arrives at Benjamin’s side now. He’s been able to hear in the boy’s voice just how much of a struggle it is for him to say all of this and as he sees the tears running down his friend’s face, he can see just how much this inner torment has been affecting him.
“Benjamin…” Joshua starts, unsure of the best way to comfort his friend at first, after this revelation has been made. “Emma could have been hurt by what took place.” He finally goes on, placing a hand on Benjamin’s shoulder to offer support as he does so. “But she wasn’t. You being there by her side is what prevented that, I’m sure of it. Would you truly want to leave her side and leave her open to any hurt, if Gott has shown in such a way the blessing he has for the match between the two of you?” Benjamin looks as though he’s taken these words to heart as his tears stop falling and his mouth hangs open slightly in the realization of this.
“… That doesn’t change the way things are Joshua.” He pulls away from the man and wipes his face profusely before facing his friend head on this time. “Whether I want to be there to love and protect Emma or not, that doesn’t change that she has no reason to want to see me ever again after what happened that night. I know if I were her, I’d never want to see me again… I don’t even want to see myself right now.” He reveals, looking down at the ground in disgust.
“That may be.” Joshua doggedly tries to offer Benjamin both his guidance and comfort once more. “But you can’t decide how Emma is feeling Benjamin. Only Gott, and she herself, can do that. Perhaps she will want to see you again. Perhaps she is even feeling much the same way you do now; that she has let you down.”
“… She’s done nothing to let me down.” Benjamin averts his glare to the side this time. Though it may be reluctantly he does regain his composure and resume work on the harvest, after this conversation has taken place.
* * *
Emma knows it doesn’t make any sense, the way she is feeling as she gazes out of her window dreamily. She misses Benjamin despite herself however. Though their time apart has only been short, it feels like years have passed without her seeing his face or feeling his hand in hers. She can hardly stand feeling that way. The very thought of forgetting those aspects of the man she loves so much is too hard for the girl.
“You’ve been up here for a long time Emma.” Ruth says, entering the room to join her niece. Emma looks at her briefly, before looking down at the floor in shame. “This isn’t part of your punishment; you are allowed to leave your room.” She smiles kindly, but this doesn’t seem to have any effect on the girl’s melancholic mood. “How about you come downstairs and we can work more on getting you used to our way of life? There’s a lot of work to be done around the house and I certainly could use your help Emma.” She tries distracting the young woman from what she guesses are troubling thoughts instead.
“If it’s all the same to you aunt, I really don’t feel like doing much of anything right now.” Emma admits. Ruth can’t say she’s proud of the girl for putting off chores in this way, after she’d seemed so dedicated to becoming part of this Amish community only a week ago, but she can understand the reasons why this might be. “I’ve been thinking… a lot, that I should go back to the city again. That I should give up on trying to adapt to this lifestyle I have no hopes of ever getting used to, but…” She gazes out of the window again as she had been doing before her ant came into the room.
“You miss him.” Ruth finishes Emma sentence for her soon enough and the welled up eyes of the girl as she looks back at her ant
confirm that this is just what she had been trying to say for herself.
“Oh, very much.” Emma finally lets her tears go. She cries into Ruth as the older woman holds her, rubbing her back soothingly. “I miss him so much Ruth. I want… I need to see Benjamin again. Staying away from him is so hard. Please aunt. I know this is the last thing I should be asking for with the punishment the both of us have been given, but please help me to do this. To meet with him one last time.” Emma goes on with her pleas. Ruth knows this is not something Jonah’s going to agree with, but it’s so hard seeing the young woman torn up like this, crying like a boppli. If going back to the city after this one meeting is what she has resolved to do, then surely Gott would grant Emma this one last request before her departure.
* * *
“… Ruth?” Benjamin squints at the woman standing before him as he opens the door to his familye’s haus. He’s certain that he must be recognizing her wrongly, with how dark it is outside; there’s absolutely no reason for Emma’s ant to be here now, with what is currently going on between the two familyes. The woman nods solemnly, before stepping aside to reveal the girl that she has brought with her on this visit. “And Emma!” Benjamin is overcome with happiness at the sight of the young woman. He moves to step closer to her, but Ruth holds out an arm to stop him. She has agreed to allow for these two to meet, but she won’t allow things to go any further between them.
Everlasting Amish Love (Amish Romance): Amish Love Stories Series: Emma & Benjamin Page 5