by Natasha Boyd
But he was flawed. Majorly flawed. Not flawed enough for me not to love him, but flawed enough I would be staying away. Very far away.
He didn’t have the kind of bravery I needed if he was willing to lie to his girlfriend and keep a relationship alive for the sake of his career, if that was truly what was going on. And if it wasn’t—he had lied to me.
I handed the tub of vanilla back to Jazz. “I really wanted him to deny it, Jazz. He should’ve seen the text and realized why I was upset and denied it. He should’ve told me it was a big mistake. Except it wasn’t, was it?” I wasn’t sure why I was stating the obvious.
“I know, hon. I’m sorry.”
I took a long sip of rich hot chocolate and cool vanilla ice cream. “Do you have any magazines in your car still?” She literally couldn’t buy a pack of gum without buying a tabloid magazine, too. I would bet the last scoop of Turtle Tracks she had picked up the latest one tonight while buying the tequila.
She nodded. “But I ain’t going out there to get ‘em.”
Another rumble of thunder punctuated her words.
“Never mind. It was a dumb idea and will only prolong the agony. I just realized I’ve never really paid much attention to his life, and it’s all out there.” I thought of how private he claimed to be, and the secret he’d shared with me. “Well, most of it. The public stuff anyway.”
“Yeah, don’t start getting masochistic. This is a worst case scenario for a break up to have all that tantalizing information out there.”
“Break up?” I snorted. “Apparently, we were never together.”
“The only things I do know are that people are still wondering where he is, and Audrey put out a public statement.”
“Really? What did it say?” I hated my weakness, but I was curious.
“Something along the lines of how sorry she was, and that it was a momentary indiscretion, and that she loved and respected him deeply etcetera, etcetera. But I am assuming she put out a public statement because she doesn’t know where he is either.”
I mulled that over a second before another thought occurred to me. “Dare I ask what the book is for book club tomorrow? I’m assuming the reason you forgot to tell me is because I’ve read it already?” I rubbed my temples at the tequila headache slowly coming on.
Jazz grimaced. “Yes, well the older ladies hadn’t read them yet ... and with the movie coming out soon ...” She trailed off.
Tomorrow would suck. “Look, it’s not like you knew we would actually meet the guy when you picked them, so don’t worry about it,” I said, instantly forgiving her.
“Yeah, but at this stage I wish we were reading Anna Karenina.”
“Me too.”
Jazz let out a huge yawn. “Wow, margaritas plus ice cream. I am going into a carb coma.”
I yawned too, and then we both jumped at the sudden pounding on the front door.
“Shit, who’s that?” Jazz said. “Should we get it?”
My heart lurched from the sudden fright. “It could be Mrs. Weaton, perhaps they didn’t fix her roof properly today.” Or not. Jazz grabbed a poker from the fireplace, and we both skidded on sock feet to the front door. I looked out of the peephole, but with no lights on I couldn’t really see a thing.
“I can’t see anything,” I whispered, and then jumped back as another round of banging started.
“Keri Ann?” Jack’s voice shouted over the wind and rain.
“Oh my God.” I mouthed to Jazz.
Her eyes were wide.
“Do you think he got my message?”
“Shit, I don’t know,” she whispered back, her shoulders hunching up.
“Keri Ann? Please ... please open the door. I really need to talk to you.”
What the heck was he doing out there in the rain? Obviously, I was going to have to let him in. I could feel mortification and it’s crimson tide crawling up my chest to my neck.
Jazz shrugged with an apologetic ‘this is your mess, I have no clue how to help you here’ look on her face.
“Thanks!” I hissed at her.
“Keri Ann! Open the Goddamn door ... please?” Jack’s voice broke over the last word and my shoulders slumped.
Jazz rolled her eyes.
I opened the door as a huge gust of wind blew in and wrenched it out of my hands. It swung back hard banging against the wall. And there stood the tall, looming, shadow of Jack, hands on either side of the doorframe, in jeans and a dark wet t-shirt that clung to his body. Water streamed down his beautiful face.
“For the love of shrimp n’ grits, girl,” I heard Jazz murmur next to me as we both took in the archangel standing on the threshold. “Good luck.”
I shivered.
“Jazz.” Jack acknowledged her with a nod as he took a step inside the door.
“Jack,” she returned, her chin up and arms crossed. She couldn’t have screamed, ‘Don’t mess with my best friend’ any louder than if she’d said the words.
He seemed to get it because, as I closed the door quickly against the rain that followed him in, he directed his next statement to her. “I just need to talk to her.”
“Don’t move,” she said to him and pushed me back through the arched opening into the living room.
I glanced at him to see his shadowed green eyes boring into mine.
Jazz and I stopped in front of the fireplace and she pulled me in close. We were far enough away from Jack, but she still whispered. “I am going to go upstairs and sleep in Joey’s room. Are you going to be okay?”
I nodded.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!” I whispered back, fiercely.
“If you decide to give up your vajayjay tonight, keep it down, okay?”
“Jazz!” I squeaked and practically choked on my own tongue.
“I’m just sayin’...” She shrugged with a wink.
“Well, don’t ‘just say’. I’m mad at him, remember?”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. But look at him.” We both turned to look at Jack who was standing with one hand on the back of his neck and the other on his hip, his head tilted down at the floor he was dripping all over. His dark, wet hair was flopped over his furrowed brow, his jaw grim.
“You could always dump him in the morning,” she murmured.
He looked up at us staring at him from the other room.
“What?” he asked.
We both started.
“Nothing,” we chorused and turned away again.
“I can’t believe you are encouraging me.” I dropped my voice back to a whisper and thumped her on the arm. “Some good friend you are. You’re supposed to be protecting me from my mistakes.”
“I am. Can you imagine how pissed you’ll be when we’re old dames and you blame me for talking you out of having sex with Jack Eversea.”
She made a good point.
“Are you still drunk?” I glared at her. “Anyway, I don’t know why he’s here. Probably to let me know about the restraining order after my phone call.”
“Yeah, right. Guys don’t just show up like this, especially after a phone call like that. And if he was really in love with Audrey, he would definitely not have come over here. You gave him the perfect out, and he’s still here.”
“Maybe it’s just a booty call.”
“Maybe it is ... ” Jazz winked. “Lucky you.”
“You do realize it will be you mending the pieces of my broken heart in the morning?”
“I believe we were doing that anyway.”
“Good point.”
Jazz then stood tall, laid a hand over her heart and hissed out the corner of her mouth like some retarded ventriloquist, “I, Jessica Fraser, hereby grant my good friend, Keri Ann Butler, permission to embrace her inner strumpet, and I do so with the utmost promise of confidentiality and lack of judgment.”
“Lack of good judgment you mean.” I rolled my eyes at her, but inside, thinking about going to bed with Jack, my stomach twisted and turned in nerves, and not a
little heat. However, he and I had some shit to sort out, so the chances of that ever happening were remote at best. I frowned.
“If you’re done ... ” I crossed my arms and tapped my foot.
She grinned wickedly. “Just be safe about it, I am not ready to be a godmother.” And with that effective cold bucket of water dumped on my stirring libido, she made a hasty exit, brushing past Jack and up the stairs.
Ugh! I stomped my foot. I couldn’t believe she would encourage me, then scare the shit out of me in the same nanosecond. Typical.
“Uh ... do you think I could borrow a towel or something...” Jack asked, his eyebrows raised in bewilderment at the long hissing exchange he’d just witnessed.
“Oh yeah, sorry. Uh, go sit by the fire, I’ll bring you one.”
“Here ya go!” came Jazz’s voice down the stairs as a huge white bath towel flapped to the bottom.
“Uh, thanks,” Jack called out, heading for it.
“No problem,” she sang. “Y’all have fun!”
And we heard Joey’s bedroom door bang shut.
T W E N T Y - O N E
I looked at Jack in my darkened living room. He was still standing awkwardly and soaking wet, but now trying to dry himself over his wet clothes. He should really take them off before he got a chill, but I was going to bite my tongue until it bled before I suggested that.
“How did you get here?” It suddenly occurred to me I hadn’t heard his bike.
“I ran, slash, walked.”
“In the rain?”
“Well, it was a bit dangerous to be out on the bike, and it didn’t seem so far ... but I wasn’t thinking about what it feels like to try and get somewhere fast in soaking wet jeans. And damn, when it rains, it rains here.”
It sure did. “And why are you here?”
He looked around the room, maybe for somewhere to sit, before settling down onto his haunches and looking into the fire. The firelight dancing across the planes of his face was devastating.
I swallowed and looked away.
“Yeah, sorry about there being no furniture,” I said a little acidly, maybe to cover my nerves. “Apparently someone paid to have my floors done.”
“There is such a thing as a gift without strings, Keri Ann,” he said quietly. “Not that I’ve ever received one, but I certainly didn’t expect anything from you for that. I just did it. Without thinking. I could. So I did.” He shrugged, as if it had been the most simple thing in the world. Like buying a cup of coffee. “But, I’m sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you. I understand pride. Trust me.” He laughed, humorlessly.
My heart twisted at his reference to never having been given a gift with no strings. I was such a sap.
He seemed to gear up to say something else, like he was trying to find the right words to explain something. “I want to go and tell everyone to get screwed,” he started. “But I owe them too much. I wouldn’t be where I am today in my career without them. It makes me doubt my ability. But it’s not actually me they care about, I’m alone in this. They care about me being in the right place at the right time, dating the right person,” he looked at me before continuing, “God, I know I’m not making sense to you. I know I tried to explain this before ... ”
I could tell it was hard for him to admit to his vulnerability, but what he was saying was still making me mad. It just screamed weakness. I knew he was better than this. And all I wanted to ask him was, “Did you really call Audrey and tell her you were getting back together?” It was out of my mouth before I could help myself.
He took a deep breath. “Not in the way you mean. She issued a statement publicly apologizing.”
“I know. Jazz read about it.”
He nodded. “It was such a stunt. I haven’t been taking her calls so I guess she got desperate to communicate with me. I should have, we’ve been through so much, I owed her at least a phone call.”
That was up for debate, but I stayed silent.
“I did call her last night, to talk. She didn’t answer. But I guess she took that as a sign I was ready to work on fixing everything.”
So, he didn’t betray me, exactly. “Are you?”
“No. But I’m not sure how to move forward. I called her again tonight. We’re going to be traveling around the world together for the next two months as the publicity tour starts up. We are going to have to be together, we are going to have be seen as being together.”
The emphasis to the word ‘being’ left no doubt in my mind about what it meant. I envisioned photo shoots, red carpets, interviews, public displays of affection ... and shared hotel rooms. Would it be rude if I excused myself to go and be sick?
He stood up and turned to me. I saw goose bumps on his arms as he tried to get warm despite his wet clothes. “That’s what I came here to say, Keri Ann.” His green eyes looked almost black in the dark room. “I came here to apologize. First, for not trusting you and assuming the worst. Second, for letting what we have between us develop into anything. I should never have let it get so far.” His words were stones hitting the bottom of my stomach. “And I know seeing that text from Audrey hurt you.” He grimaced. “I’m sorry. That’s what made me realize how careless I was being.”
Hot shame swarmed over me at the naïve, star-stuck, and broken-hearted little girl he saw me as. And it made me mad as hell. I just didn’t trust myself to say anything. Or move. I wanted to slap his face. And I had never wanted to hit another person in my whole life. Except maybe Joey sometimes. And Jazz. Ok, maybe I did like smacking people.
He wasn’t done though. He ran a hand through his dark wet hair and shook his head, seemingly unaware of the anger and shame thrumming through me.
“Look at us both, too scared to really live and do things the way we want to.”
I snapped and shoved at his chest. “Do you think I just sit here working and struggling because I’m too scared? I’m here because I made a deal. My brother and I only have each other left and we made a deal, it’s his turn. Then it will be mine. Maybe you don’t know what it’s like to make a sacrifice for someone else. I can only assume you made it in your career by always putting yourself first. Well, the rest of the world doesn’t live in your empty vacuum. We have lives, and families, or had,” I amended. “And choices. And we make decisions based on all of those things, not just the ones that put ourselves at the top. Maybe the reason you are so lonely is you never think of anyone else!”
He flinched like I’d followed through on my urge to slap him. I knew I’d gone too far. I hadn’t really meant that. I was just so angry, and the words that streamed from me wanted to cut him and make him feel as bad I did. Punish him for making me feel like a naïve, unambitious girl who wasn’t good enough for him.
To my shame, I suddenly realized, as I had this afternoon up in the attic, that he was right in a way. I had been scared. I was using Joey as an excuse not to do something with my life. I wanted to apologize, but he spoke first.
“You’re wrong,” he said quietly. “I haven’t thought about anyone but you since the moment we met.”
The crackle of the fire was suddenly deafening in the silence between us. Did he really just say that?
“So,” I started, unsure of how to interpret his conflicting words. “So, I still don’t understand.”
His hands came up to the back of his neck again as he looked down at the ground. The action drew my attention to his broad shoulders. Oh, how I wanted those arms wrapped around me. When he looked up again the stark emotion on his face was unlike anything I had seen. I had read books and books about men and women betraying a world of emotions with just one glance. I used to chalk it up to artistic license, but this was really happening. I swallowed.
“Did you mean it today when you said you were sorry you kissed me?” he asked, his eyes searching mine.
Never. I was going to hang onto those memories forever. I managed to shake my head.
“Did you mean it, just now, when you said it was careless?”
I responded, barely finding my voice.
“Touché,” he said, his tone low. “I haven’t lied to you, Keri Ann. About anything. When I told you I had never felt this way before I meant it. When you walked out today, I ... it ... ” He bunched a fist up and planted it knuckles down in the center of his chest. “I shouldn’t have let you go. Or maybe I should have, for your sake. I ... shit, this is hard.”
I waited. I was on that freaking tightrope again, except this time someone else was in control of it. I didn’t like it one bit. The hope warring with the hurt in my gut was making me nauseous.
“I guess what I’m asking you, Keri Ann ... is ... knowing what you know, about Audrey, about the contract ... about me ... will you take a chance?”
I wondered if he knew how amazing he looked wet. I mean, what with the sweaty Jack, the paddleboarding Jack, the swimming Jack, and now the rain-soaked Jack, I really wasn’t being given much in the way of strength to say no.
I walked over to the blanket near where he was standing and sat down facing the fire. I hugged my knees to my chest. I needed my hot chocolate. Seeing it on the mantle next to him, I pointed at it.
“Farmboy, fetch me that pitcher?” I was hoping the Princess Bride reference would help ease the tension a little.
He paused a moment at my non-sequitur, and then the dimple appeared with his faint smile, and he handed it to me.
“As you wish.”
I smiled back and took it.