by Clark, Kaisa
I'm lonely. Please tell me you don't have a date.
What could be better than a date with you?
I head to her apartment, stopping off for some full-bodied red wine. I want something thick and heady tonight, something as haunting as this throbbing in my chest. We relax into her couch and watch reality television. I'm curious why she doesn't have plans.
“I don't know. I've tapered off.”
“What?” Frankly I'm shocked. ”But how will you find The One?”
She sighs and flops back on the couch. “I'm getting bored. I want something real. I want to feel something.”
“Feeling something kind of blows. I'm just saying...”
We both laugh and she tops off our glasses.
Annabelle meets me after class early the week of formal to take me dress shopping. I have no idea what people even wear to semi-formal. Without her help I’d be lost. She leads me from store to store, instructing me to try this dress and that. Each time I traipse out of the dressing room, she looks me up and down and then frowns.
“Do they all look that bad? I’m starting to feel hideous.”
“They’re all pretty, but none of them are it.”
“We’re not buying my freaking wedding dress, Annabelle.”
“Not yet.” She grins devilishly.
“One step at a time girl.”
She shoos me back into the dressing room, determined as ever.
We enter the next store and her face lights up with enthusiasm.
“This might be it,” she breathes, grasping a dress off the rack. “Quick, go put it on.”
I cast her a skeptical gaze, wondering why I need to go quickly, the dress isn’t going anywhere, but I retreat into the dressing room as I’m told. When I emerge she’s beaming. She pushes me in front of the tri-fold, floor-length mirror. The dress is cut above the knee and strapless, and it fits like a glove, hugging all the right places.
“You think he’ll like?”
I nod at her in the mirror. “He’ll like.”
She claps her hands together. “Okay then, that solves it. Now for the shoes!”
I’m standing in my room later that night, staring at the dress hanging from my closet door, daydreaming about the next time I get to put it on. I take out my bag to start packing, wishing the weekend could somehow come a little sooner. As I’m replacing its contents from my last drive up to see Adam, a small slip of paper catches my attention at the bottom of the bag. As I pull it out and unfold it, I see it’s been written on. The handwriting is unmistakable. That little sneak! I can’t help grinning at his covert approach. It’s so him. I lightly finger the paper, my eyes roving over the words, missing him terribly with each one.
Miss Alexa,
I’ll never forget, but I want you to know
It’s your laugh and your smile and the way that you glow.
No space or distance, no matter how far
I’m right there beside you wherever you are.
Those soft little shoulders, I’m picturing them
When I’m lying in bed and it’s SO way past ten
I go through my day and you’re everywhere
In ice cream or coffee or a girl with dark hair.
What I’m trying to say is you’ve made your mark,
And I’m still so lost for you, just like at the start.
- Adam
As if on cue, my phone buzzes and I make out Adam’s name on the screen. Excitement surges through me. Seeing his name still gets me. Every. Single. Time.
“Hey,” I breathe into the phone.
“Angel bear.” His voice is low and raspy. He inhales sharply into the phone. “I needed to hear your voice.”
“Is everything okay?”
He doesn’t answer right away. I can hear him drumming his fingers in the background, contemplative. “Yeah, everything’s fine.”
His voice is anything but convincing. He sounds distracted. I wonder if it’s the semester; I’m terrified it’s something more.
“You can talk to me, Adam. I’m here for you.” I love you, I think to myself. I wish I could tell him, wish I could for once pour the truth out of me, but all that comes out is silence. Maybe he feels the same way about whatever’s bothering him.
“I know, Lex.” He sighs and it sounds like every last ounce of air is being forced from his lungs, it’s so long and low and dejected. “I’m just missing you is all. I can’t wait for you to come.”
“That’s what she said,” I muster, giving my best Damien impersonation, hoping it will cheer him up.
He chuckles into the phone, the tension dissolving from his voice. “Excellent work, Lexa bear!”
“But seriously, I can’t wait to come. I want to come right now,” I laugh.
He playfully groans into the phone. “I think I’m going through withdrawal.”
“Maybe I’ll have to ease you back in. I’d hate for you to OD right when I get there.”
“Let’s not get carried away now!”
“It’s not too much longer, Adam. I’ll see you soon.”
But it can never be soon enough.
Chapter 22
Annabelle bursts into my apartment early the morning of semi-formal and sets about getting me ready. She twists my dark locks around her flatiron then pins the curls haphazardly atop by head. She spends over an hour perfecting my makeup. I honestly had no idea anyone could spend so long applying makeup, but she does. When she’s finally satisfied, she extends a handheld mirror and lets me take a look. She’s applied false lashes that draw extra attention to my blue eyes and ringed them with a smoky gray hue. My complexion looks smooth and bright, my lips a pale pink. She tucks the tube of lipstick in my clutch so I can reapply later.
“I think you’re ready!”
“Uh, what about these pins? I’m not wearing my hair like this.”
“Obviously!” She rolls her eyes, exasperated. “Leave them in for the drive. Pull them out when you’re almost there. The curl will be ridiculous.”
If there’s one thing Annabelle knows well it’s hair and makeup, so I leave them in.
“Do you have everything? Dress? Shoes? Bra?”
“Geez, Annabelle. What are you, my mother?” I tease. “I’m not going to forget my bra.”
She grins devilishly. “With the fuck-me hair you’re going to have, maybe you should lose the bra.”
I reach out and hug her tightly around the shoulders. “Seriously. Thank you.”
She squeals and heads for the door with her gear, calling back, “Have fun!”
Finally I’m on the road. With each mile marker that ticks by I can feel my elation growing. It swells inside me, stirring my anticipation, melting away the dark edges of missing Adam until all I feel is light. Despite my yearning to just get there, I do as Annabelle instructed and pull off at a rest stop to wrestle the pins from my hair. When they are all out, my hair bounces full and soft down my back. I hardly recognize myself in the rearview mirror. She did well.
Those last miles are agony, until finally, four, three, two more exits, then at last I’m pulling off the highway. I take the opportunity to text Adam, letting him know I’m close.
When I pull into the parking lot he comes rushing out the door of the house, shrugging against the cold. He’s already dressed for the night in pressed slacks and a pale blue dress shirt and tie. The light blue contrasts perfectly with his dark features. He looks stunning. In an instant he’s wrapping me in a hug, folding me into his chest, clutching me tightly to him. I tuck my face into his neck, breathing in that familiar scent, feeling whole again.
“You're finally here,” he whispers into my ear. His voice sounds so relieved, so solemn, lacking all traces of his usual exuberance. I lean back, taking him in, hating the strain I see reflected in his eyes.
He clutches my hand firmly in his as he grabs my bag and carries it upstairs for me. When we reach their room it is already crowded with people dressed for formal. Damien catches sight of me as I come t
hrough the door.
“A-lex-uhhhhhh!” he booms and wraps an arm around my shoulder. He quickly introduces me to the rest of the people congregating in their room before Adam tugs me after him to his bedroom to change. As soon as the door is shut, Adam is on me, fitting his body against mine. His expression is serious, deep with longing and something else. It’s so obvious something is weighing on him, but I can’t begin to know what.
He breathes my name and cups my face in his palms. His eyes don’t stray from my face. They are tender and intense at once. He drags a finger along my lower lip. I still his hand with my own and kiss his thumb, then trail my tongue along its length. I watch as his eyes grow hooded, the sensation washing over him, hoping that whatever it is that is on his mind, I can take it all away just by being here.
I release his hand and take my time undressing. I start with my shirt. Annabelle made me wear a button-down so as not to run the risk of messing up my hair. I undo each button with painstaking care. Adam reclines onto his bed, watching each move my fingers make with rapt attention. When I’ve undone each button I slowly shrug the shirt off my shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. His eyes move over my chest and stomach. With his attention still fixed on me, I slowly edge my pants down over my hips, exposing a lacy pink thong with ribbon ties on each hip. His mouth falls open as I step out of the pant legs, one foot then the other, and kick them to the side. I slowly draw my fingers up over my hips, glide them over my bare stomach, trail them over the cups of my lacy bra. When I reach my shoulders, I drag each strap to the side, letting them cling to the tops of my arms. I turn and lean against Adam on the bed so he can unclasp it. The bra slowly slides forward, down the lengths of my arms, then drops to the floor. I turn to face him, straddling his hips on the bed, and kiss him as gently as I can manage. I pull my tongue along his top lip, savoring the taste of his mouth on mine. A firm hand grips the back of my head, caressing down to my neckline.
“What are you doing to me?” he whispers against my lips.
I lean back and bat my eyes at him innocently. “I’m just getting changed, Adam.”
He pulls me back to him. “Right,” he mumbles between kisses.
A loud rap sounds on the other side of his door. “Dude! Hurry the fuck up in there!” Damien bellows.
“He’s such a cock block,” I whisper in Adam’s ear.
“Tell me about it.” He locks eyes with me and a hint of a smile edges out, the first since I’ve arrived. “But it was worth it to hear you say cock.”
I reluctantly extract myself from Adam’s grasp and step into my dress. When I turn around, he’s staring at me, still perched on his bed. “Beautiful girl,” he whispers.
“You look pretty hot yourself, Mr. Westbrook.” I say the words lightly, hoping to draw him out, to see one more smile.
He takes my hand and leads me out of his room, where Damien is pouring shots at the coffee table. “You both in?”
Adam nods once, his face completely stoic. I can’t help peeking up at him, wondering what is on his mind.
“Well get ready, because we’re lighting these bitches on fire.”
“What?” My attention snaps back and I look to the girl standing closest to me to see what she’ll do.
She catches my eye and shakes her head. “Not ours, D. I’m not trying to light my hair on fire before we go. I’ve got enough hairspray on to torch the whole house.”
He scowls in our direction. “Pussies.”
Damien passes out shots to all the girls then flicks the lighter over the guys’ shots. Blue flames spike into the air.
Damien raises his shooter in the air, calling out, “Formal! Fuck yeah!”
I throw my shot back and watch Adam quickly suck the contents of his shot through a plastic straw before it catches on fire. He tosses the straw in a nearby trashcan and turns to me, forcing a smile. “Do I still have my eyebrows?”
I grin back at him. “Handsome as ever.”
I follow Adam down to the street where the brothers and their dates are piling onto two massive party buses. When we arrive at the club they’ve rented out for the night, Adam leads me straight to the dance floor. I face him, pressing my body into his. I feel the rhythm in his hips, in the way he flows with the beat, in the way his fingers tap against me in time. I link my arms around his neck, leaning back, pinning my hips closer to his. I let him move me, let him pull me along with him. I feel his breath on my neck and his fingers on my waist and the whole time I can’t help thinking, this is how it always should be: us within arm’s reach, blocking out the whole world.
In a break between songs, Adam makes a trip to the bathroom. I head to the bar in the corner to get us some drinks. Damien spots me waiting there and saunters over.
“Boy, am I glad to see you,” he sighs, leaning against the bartop by my side. I can tell from his tone he’s trying to come off as playful, but it isn’t quite right. His voice is a tinge serious. “Adam’s been driving me fucking nuts.”
“That bad, huh?”
“You have no idea.”
I wonder what he means, what he’s alluding to. What does Adam have to do to drive Damien of all people nuts, when they seem to be perpetually attached at the hips?
“And you think I can help?”
“You’re my only hope, Alexa,” he laughs.
He scans the room, his expression turning serious. As his eyes land on Adam returning from the bathroom, he smacks my arm with a drink menu. “But really, I’m counting on you. You better give him some serious cuddy tonight. Change your life cuddy. He needs to chill the fuck out.”
Adam joins us, giving a quick nod to Damien and another brother who is standing nearby. His usual lighthearted grin is nowhere to be found. His eyes lock on mine and he reaches for my hand, tugging me back towards the dance floor. Whatever it is, whatever is weighing on his mind, I hope I can be enough to drive it away. I press my body into his, hoping to push all my love and support directly into his chest, knowing that for whatever reason, he needs it now more than ever.
When we arrive back at the house that night, Adam leans in to whisper in my ear.
“Time to get you out of that dress.”
Finally I’m catching a glimpse of my Adam. Wanting to prolong the playfulness between us, I step back, just out of his reach, and give him a coy smile. He slowly licks his lips and looks off to the side like he’s retreating, then he lurches towards me, grabbing for me with a mischievous grin. I shriek and jump out of the way, just fast enough to evade him once more. He chuckles in a challenge-accepted sort of way and comes after me. I sprint up the steps ahead of him. He’s much faster than me and catches up to me at the top. He slings me over his shoulder and I squeal with delight as he carries me towards his room, finally collapsing on his bed.
I grip his tie and tug him closer, until his lips brush mine. As we kiss, my fingers work through the knot and fumble with the buttons of his shirt. He takes his time with my dress, hanging it over his desk chair when he’s finished peeling me out of it. Then he pulls me over him and my body slowly begins to move over his. I breathe out his name, feeling him thick in my chest, feeling him curl my toes. He’s all I see, he’s all I think, he’s everything I ever want to know. When his eyes flick to mine, alight with fervent need, it’s my undoing. Just like that I’m putty, melting all around him, my head in the clouds, my heart on the floor. I fall slack against his chest and feel him moving around me, laying me back. His touch is gentle and when I finally look up at him I’m greeted by his satisfied smile at what he’s reduced me to.
The first thing I see the next morning is Adam, his brown eyes staring into mine. He gives me a slight smile and kisses my forehead.
“My sunset,” he whispers with reverence. He rests his head back on the pillow, his eyes meeting mine. They’re deep and contemplative, and I wonder what’s on his mind.
“Are you okay, babe?”
I kiss his cheeks, his nose, his forehead. I press him closer to me, wanting to expel eve
rything dark and heavy until all he feels is love.
He presses his nose to my hair and sucks in a deep breath. “I’m great when you’re here.”
“And what about other times?” I ask softly, my face tucked into his chest.
“You, my bear, make everything better.”
I love that my being here makes a difference, but I hate the implication that things are so much worse when I’m gone.
“I’m tempted to keep you here, to not let you leave,” he whispers.
“That doesn’t sound too bad. Who cares about school when I have someone special to keep me company?”
He eyes spark to life at my words and I quickly look away, my heart thundering in my chest, realizing that I’m tiptoeing around a precipice, coming shockingly close to revealing my own truth. That I love him more than words can convey. That he is everything to me.
He must see it written on my face, because the light in his eyes spreads to his lips. He’s grinning now, his whole face lit up at the sight of my discomfort.
“You know someone special, bear? Someone you care about a whole lot?” he asks wryly, raising his left eyebrow and staring at me with those dark eyes that melt me. “Just how much do you care about that person?”
I meet his eyes, knowing that he knows what I’m alluding to, seeing the joy in his eyes at what I’m about to say. I swallow hard, feeling the usual claw in my chest, the terror at saying it out loud, but I know this is the time to do it. I’m already naked; I might as well bare it all. I take a deep breath and hold his gaze. Now that I’ve made up my mind, I refuse to look away.
“I love you, Adam.” I say the words slowly, knowing it’s the truth, has been the truth all along. I think I’ve known since the very first drive in his car. Maybe I knew the first day we met. He is love. He is all things beautiful and bright and whole. He is all the good in him; he is all the good in me.
He presses me into his chest, furiously kissing my hair, my cheeks, my lips. “I love you too,” he says contentedly. “I love you so effing much.”