by L. G. Davis
“No, no.” There’s a hint of desperation in my tone.
For the first time in our marriage, I’m desperate for him to get out of town. When the sun comes up, I’ll still remember the text, the exact words. Even if I want to deny it, even if it turns out the text was meant for someone else, to me it feels like the sign I’ve been waiting years for. The sign that reminds me that the life I’m living has an expiration date.
It doesn’t matter how many days, weeks, months, or years go by. It doesn’t matter how many breaths I take. It doesn’t matter how fast I keep running. As long as I keep running from the past, I will never be rid of the truth buried deep within me. Wherever I go, I will take myself with me.
I’ve never been this scared, not since the morning I woke up to find Dylan’s dead body. I don’t know if I’m even strong enough to fight the past should it show up on my doorstep. In spite of my fears of being alone and vulnerable, I need to make sure Jared goes to Mexico. When he comes back, I’ll return to being the wife he thinks I am.
CHAPTER 29
I’m still in bed as Jared stands on the other side of the room, zipping up his suitcase while eyeing me at the same time, a worried look clouding his handsome features.
“Why don’t you just stay home today? You didn’t get much sleep, and you need it.”
“You know I can’t sit home all day doing nothing.” The truth is, work has always been my escape, even in the days when Ryan tormented me. It won’t do me any good to sit around thinking about what can go wrong and when the next shoe will drop. My body is tired from lack of sleep, and my mind is tired from ruminating, but the classroom is still the best place for me. Being on the school grounds, surrounded by people, even Lilliana, would do me good.
I’ve decided to forget the text from yesterday. Today I will make it through one breath at a time. It’s not the first time I’ve had to struggle with negative emotions. I’ve done it all my life, and I can do it again. It’s just another day in my life—another day to pretend.
A honking sound drifts through the open window.
“That’s my cab.” Jared crosses the room and kisses me. “I’ll see you in a few days. Please promise that you won’t go walking on the beach alone in the middle of the night.”
“I promise.” Since he won’t be here to witness my fears, I wouldn’t need to find a place to hide. “I love you.” I swing my legs out of bed to see him off.
“I love you more.” He kisses me again at the front door and leaves me standing there.
After a quick wave in my direction, he gets into the car.
With a sigh, I lean against the doorframe, wondering how much time I have before I lose him. As soon as he disappears into the distance, I close the door and make a round through the house, making sure all doors and windows are locked. Then I jump into the shower.
Most of the time under the jet of warm water, I spend slathering foam around my stomach, talking to my baby. I wish the water could wash away the past before it taints my present. But I can’t think about that now. It could turn out that I’m worried for no reason at all.
After a long breakfast of eggs on toast, I leave the house. Nothing eventful happens until I pass Joe’s Kitchen, one of the most popular diners in town. Maybe I’m imagining it, considering the amount of sleep I got last night, but it looks as if a black Nissan is trailing me.
Come to think of it, I saw the same car a few minutes ago. I take the first corner to my left that takes me from my normal route, but before I can take a breath, the Nissan appears again behind me. It looks like a man with a dark beard, a black cap, and sunglasses is behind the wheel, but the car is not close enough for me to see who it is.
“You’re imagining things, Caitlin.” I wet my trembling lips. “It’s nothing. We’re just headed in the same direction.” Except, the car is still there, ten minutes later.
After half an hour of trying to get away from the Nissan, I have no choice but to go to work. We have a staff meeting before class starts. To my surprise, the moment I turn into the street where Silver Oak is located, I glance into the rearview mirror to find the car gone.
I’m sweating and out of breath as I walk into the staff lounge. Everyone is already there, including Lilliana, who’s watching me suspiciously as if she knows what’s going on. Is that a smile I see on her face? To make matters worse, the only free chair is the one next to her.
I greet everyone in turn and sink into my chair.
Ralph is watching me as well, tipping his pen on a notepad. I move my gaze away from him and draw in a breath. I cough as my lungs reject Lilliana’s perfume.
“Glad you could join us, Caitlin.” Georgia, wearing the pearl necklace she wears to every staff meeting, stands up from her seat at the head of the table. She gives Lilliana a printed sheet of paper which Lilliana tosses in front of me. “Let’s continue.”
During the entire meeting, my body is present in the room, but my mind isn’t there at all. I’m still thinking about the black Nissan. All kinds of questions are going through my mind. Each one of them causes me to panic even more.
After the meeting, Georgia pulls me aside to ask me the same question Ralph had asked before leaving the room. I feed her the same lie. “I’m fine.”
Georgia lifts one of her thin eyebrows. “Are you sure? You look rather pale, Caitlin. Maybe you should take the day off? Go and get some rest. Carrying a baby is hard work on its own. You hardly take a day off anyway.”
I wave a dismissive hand. “Not necessary. I’m fine, really.” I push a hand through my hair. It’s hanging down my shoulders today, still a bit damp from my shower earlier. I’m not a fan of hair dryers.
“If you’re sure.” Georgia dips her head to the side, her sharp bob brushing her right shoulder. “Don’t push yourself too hard. If it gets to be too much, let me know.”
“I will.” I walk out of the room.
My students are already in their seats as I enter the classroom, but most are on their phones. When they see me, some of the phones disappear into backpacks and purses, but not all.
It takes me ten minutes to get everyone to settle down and focus on the lesson, even though I, myself, am far from focused. With everything going on inside my mind, it’s a wonder I’m able to teach at all. After going through a chapter in an algebra textbook, I glance out the window and the hairs at the nape of my neck rise and bristle. My hands grip the edge of the desk so tight, my knuckles turn white.
From my window, I have a perfect view of the street in front of the school. There are a few cars parked along the curb, but my eyes are only interested in one. The black Nissan.
“Do exercise 5A ... with a partner.” It’s a struggle to keep my voice from trembling. “We’ll discuss the answers after the lunch break.” I sit before my knees give way. No point in denying the truth anymore. Someone is out to get me. The text was meant for me.
The driver of the Nissan is still in the car. I wish I could make out his face, but I’m too far away now to see him clearly.
I look away, count to ten and look again. He’s still there, waiting for something or someone. My breaths burst in and out of me, and my hand clutches my throat. The room starts to turn. I should get up and leave before I faint.
Without saying anything to the students, I rush out of the classroom. To my surprise, I manage to make it to the principal’s office. I find Georgia studying one of her many souvenir snow globes. She’s a collector.
“Georgia.” I wipe the sweat from my face. “I changed my mind. I—I want to go home. I do feel sick.”
“Of course.” Georgia puts down the snow globe and rises from her desk chair. “Jesus, Caitlin, you look like hell. Can I get you anything?”
“No. I ... I should go.” I don’t stay long enough to give her the chance to probe deeper into my condition.
I find Ralph in the hallway at the lockers. I’m about to walk past him, but he catches my hand.
“Caitlin, wait a moment. You don’t look so wel
l.”
“It’s been a long night, and I didn’t get much sleep. Nothing to worry about.”
His emerald eyes darken. He parts his lips to speak, but I stumble away before I hear his words.
Without looking for the Nissan again, I simply get behind the wheel of my car and drive off the school grounds, desperate to get home.
If I were any other normal person with nothing to hide, I’d go to the cops. But I can’t do that. My last internet search a few weeks ago, alerted me that the cops are still after me. I’m still believed to be a murderer on the run.
I only look for the Nissan when I arrive home and park my car. I don’t see it, but that doesn’t mean my stalker isn’t watching.
Inside the house, I close all doors and windows and lock myself inside the nursery. We’ve decorated it in neutral colors since we don’t know the sex yet. I grab a panda bear from a box and sink with it into the vintage rocking chair that had been in Jared’s nursery as a baby. I hold the toy to my body and rock back and forth.
The only way I can release the pressure is by crying. I give in to the tears until my sobs turn to sniffles and hiccups. Then I wait for something to happen—for my worst nightmare to step out of the shadows and destroy my life.
I want to know who’s after me, but at the same time, I don’t. It’s much safer to bury my head in the sand and pretend it’s not happening.
I look around the room. The baby will be here soon, but the nursery isn’t quite ready yet. Jared had promised he’d build the crib—two days ago—but never got to it. In an attempt to hold on to my sanity, I rise from the chair and approach the box carrying the parts of the crib.
Both my body and mind are numb as I open the box and start to put the crib together myself. Instead of thinking about my troubles, I focus on my baby. I force my mind to pretend, maybe for the last time, that my life is not in pieces. The instruction manual is so good that I finish the job in less than forty minutes.
Done, I take my time covering the mattress and folding the little cream blanket, praying this is not the last thing I get to do for my baby.
CHAPTER 30
I wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat and disorientated, the sheets damp against my skin.
With the back of my hand, I wipe away the beads of sweat on my upper lip.
It was only a dream, I tell myself. I have nothing to be afraid of.
Like most of the nightmares I’ve had before, Ryan was present in this one as well. This time we were both on the beach, and he was pushing his wheelchair with me inside it. We had switched places. I was paralyzed, unable to feel my legs, and he was laughing at my predicament.
Waking from the bad dream only offers me momentary relief. When my heart starts to settle, I remember that something had woken me, a scratching sound from somewhere in my room.
I blink a few times to allow my eyes to awaken fully. With the comforter pulled up to my neck, I search the darkness.
My chest tingles with dread when my gaze lands on the window. It’s open. I’m pretty sure I had closed it before going to bed.
I jam my hands into my armpits to stop them from shaking.
“Who’s there?” I whisper into the darkness. No one answers. The only thing I hear is my beating heart and the distant rush of the waves.
I have two choices: to remain in my bed helpless and terrified, or to take action. A shot of adrenaline rushes through my veins, and I jump out of bed without thinking and slam the window shut. It’s only when the window is closed that it hits me that the intruder could be in the house.
A movement on the other side of the window catches my eye. In the light of the moonlight, I catch sight of a dark figure hurrying down our path toward the gate, pushing it open and running out without closing it. As soon as the person is off our property, he or she starts to run down the street, disappearing into the darkness. As I watch the intruder becoming nothing but a dot in the distance, bitter bile touches the back of my throat.
I lay a hand on my chest. It’s vibrating with each beat of my heart. A scream is bubbling up in my throat but refuses to pour out of me. What’s the point of screaming, anyway? It’s not as if I can call someone to help me.
My hands around my stomach, I sink to the floor and lean my head against the wall. There’s no more pretending the past has not caught up with me. What would I do if I find out that Ryan is alive? He’s my brother, and I should be happy, but instead, I’m terrified.
I keep thinking about all the threats he’d made to me in the past. What if it was him who killed Dylan in the hope I would be the one to pay for the crime? What if he wants to kill me now? I don’t want it to be true. I don’t want to believe my brother is a murderer. I’m not even sure it wasn’t me that committed the murder during a sleepwalking episode.
Since that day I had been terrified of sleepwalking, but the weird thing is, the episodes stopped sometime while I lived in New York.
But deep down in my gut, I know I didn’t kill Dylan. I don’t think I have it in me to kill anyone—definitely not the man I loved—asleep or awake. If it wasn’t me, it has to be someone who was trying to set me up, and they succeeded. Perhaps that person has been angered that I disappeared instead of rotting in prison. What if he or she is now back to finish the job?
Unsure of what else to do, I bury my trembling body back under the covers, but another wave of fear causes me to jump out again. Praying no one will pounce on me, I hurry to the kitchen and grab the largest butcher knife I can find. I head back to the stairs, glancing over my shoulder with each step, my sweaty hand tight around the knife. I won’t return to my bedroom.
For some reason, I feel I’ll be safer inside the nursery. Maybe it’s because the room is smaller. I push the door open and freeze in the doorway. The knife slides from my grip and falls to the floor only a few inches from my feet.
The crib I built a few hours earlier has been dismantled, the pieces scattered across the room. The scene is enough to knock the wind from my lungs, but what causes my breath to harden inside my throat are the red words scrolled on the beautiful, butterfly wallpaper.
You’re over! xoxo
The bile I’d been swallowing down when I saw the stranger on our property returns with a vengeance and pours from my mouth. I try to stop it with my hands, but it seeps through my fingers and spills onto my feet.
I vomit uncontrollably just like the day I found Dylan dead. It all rushes back to paralyze me—the shock, the hurt, the fear.
No. No. No. I can’t go back there. This is my life now. I worked hard to get here, dammit. I paid the price for whatever sins I committed.
I wipe the vomit from my mouth, shaking with both fear and anger.
I walk away from the nursery without bothering to clean up my mess. My legs are still shaky when I switch on all the lights in the house and move from room to room, checking every window.
Done, I stand in the middle of the living room, wondering how the intruder got into the house. The door was still locked, as I had left it before bed. The only two people with a key are Jared and me. We have a spare key, but it’s at school in my desk drawer.
A disturbing thought crawls into my mind. What if the person after me isn’t from the past at all? What if it’s someone from Faypine, someone who knows my secret and wants to taunt me before exposing me? What if it’s someone from Silver Oak, someone with access to my classroom? But who?
My mind instantly goes to Lilliana. I couldn’t tell whether the person in black was a male or female, but the person following me in the Nissan had been a man with a dark beard. It doesn’t add up.
Groaning, I lower myself onto the couch and press the heel of my hand against my forehead. The baby kicks. I rub my stomach.
“It’s okay, baby,” I whisper. “Mommy will protect you.” How will I be able to protect my baby when I can’t even protect myself?
I don’t feel safe anywhere, not inside my house and not outside.
The sound of my cell p
hone ringing cuts through my thoughts. I drag myself upstairs to see who is calling. At my bedroom door, watching the phone ringing and vibrating on the nightstand, next to my book of Sudoku puzzles, I wonder if it could be my tormentor.
The phone continues to ring, and I remain in the doorway, staring at it. Beads of sweat trickle down my temples as I take one and then another step forward.
Maybe the only way out of this horror is to face my worst nightmare. A burst of white hot rage spurts through me, and I grab the phone, ready to confront the person who is so desperate to hurt me.
I sink onto the bed with relief when I see Jared’s name on the screen. Thank God. I wipe the sweat off my forehead, but I don’t pick up. I can’t talk to him, not in this state, when my voice is drowning in tears. He’ll read between the lines and know I’m not fine.
I didn’t get to speak to him before bed because I couldn’t get ahold of him. He doesn’t like to sleep without hearing my voice. But I have to let him down today.
The call dies, and I lean back against the covers, breathing slowly through my mouth. The baby kicks again. My heart squeezes.
I don’t deserve this baby. I’m selfish for wanting a child. It’s for the wrong reasons. I’m only desperate for the baby because I want to create a better version of me, to prove to myself that there’s a part of me that’s good and pure. I want to feel that I’m more than a liar and a coward.
I find relief from my pain the only way I can. I turn to the healing power of water.
As I stand under the shower spray, washing the vomit from my legs and feet, I wish the water could wash it all away. I wish I could stay longer under the jet of water, but I want to stay on guard in case the intruder returns.
After my shower, I don’t find any more surprises, but as I sink to my knees and clean up my vomit in the nursery doorway, I know this is only the beginning, and I better brace myself for whatever comes next..