Don't Blink

by L. G. Davis

  I get to my feet and grab his shoulders in desperation. “That’s not true, Jared. People love making up things. They thrive on gossip. We can’t let a stupid text message destroy our marriage. It’s probably just a prank.”

  He shrugs me off. “You know what? I can’t stay here tonight. I’ll get a room at a hotel.” He storms out of the living room, runs upstairs, and returns wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. He doesn’t glance at me when he picks up the suitcase he hadn’t yet taken to our bedroom.

  Because of a lie, my husband walks out the door, leaving me with tears coursing down my cheeks and words I want to say, but can’t.

  CHAPTER 35

  I drop the phone onto the bed and gaze into space. It’s been three days, and Jared is still not picking up his phone.

  Last night, I drove like a crazy person around town, walking into every hotel, asking if Jared is staying there. Each “no” was a knife in my gut.

  I wonder how long I’ll be able to hold up before my heart shatters completely. I’m both worried and furious at him for walking out on me the way he did—walking out of our home, our marriage.

  But each time, my anger screeched to a halt when I reminded myself that I started all this. Everything that’s happening to me is my fault. I have no right being mad at him. It should be the other way around. If he only knew who he married.

  Feeling as though my body is disappearing into thin air, I strip off my clothes and go to the bathroom, where I stand rigid under the shower, allowing cold water to wash over me, to wash away my tears and take them with it down the drain.

  I still have an hour left before leaving for work. I spend much of that time in the shower, leaning against the cool, wet tiles, sobbing hard with my arms wrapped around my belly.

  I wish I could protect my baby from all this chaos. But how can I do that when I can barely hold myself together? If only it were possible to press an emotional button and switch the pain off.

  I finally get out of the shower and get dressed. I have to keep going even when I don’t feel like it. This is my life, and I can’t let it slip through my fingers.

  I head downstairs for breakfast. As I descend the stairs, I’m holding on to the hope that Jared will be in the kitchen, surprising me with a full English breakfast. I hold on to the thought so tight that by the time I reach the last step, I swear I smell the bacon and eggs and hear the sizzle of them frying in our nonstick pan.

  I reach the kitchen and freeze in the doorway.

  Everything is as I left it last night. The room is empty, cold, and sterile.

  My tears threaten to fall as I sink into a chair at the kitchen table and gaze at one of our wedding photos stuck onto the fridge. The magnet holding it in place had been purchased at a souvenir shop in Vienna, Austria. Jared had a job assignment there, so we decided to combine it with our honeymoon. It was my first time leaving the US. I was so excited I forgot who I was and where I was coming from. I pretended I had no skeletons in my closet.

  I look away from the fridge and bite back the tears.

  I will not cry anymore. It’s not good for the baby. But, then again, holding it all in is just as detrimental. I take deep breaths until I feel somewhat calm. It’ll be fine. I’ll make it through the day. By tonight, I’ll come up with a plan. I need to do something to fix this situation.

  I force muesli and yogurt down my throat and prepare my lunch for work. With one last glance at the memories on the fridge door, I leave the kitchen, get my bag, and head out to the car. Outside, I halt in the small path to the gate and look around me.

  The faces I see are familiar—neighbors heading to work or someplace else. I wave at Ruth, who is watching me from her kitchen window.

  I keep up the appearance of being happy. None of them would want to harm me, would they?

  As I drive through traffic, I glance several times into the rearview mirror, on the lookout for the black Nissan. It’s nowhere to be seen. Maybe my tormenter got what he wanted. Maybe the goal was just to destroy my marriage.

  “No, I won’t let it happen,” I say to myself with determination. “I’m keeping my life and my marriage.”

  I make it to school ten minutes late thanks to the insane traffic due to a roadblock.

  With not much time to pull myself together before the Monday morning meeting, I drop my things in my class and head to the staff lounge.

  I breathe a sigh of relief when I find that not all the teachers are at the meeting yet. Georgia is early as usual, glancing at her watch. Ralph, who is also present, is reading a newspaper but looks up and smiles when I enter.

  I’m not surprised that Lilliana is among the first people to show up. She makes it a point to always be punctual at every meeting, a way to suck up to Georgia. I greet her, but she barely acknowledges my presence.

  I shrug and find a seat far away from Ralph, who frowns at me.

  During the meeting, I barely hear anything that’s said. And when I’m asked questions, I answer like a robot, giving what’s expected of me but nothing more. And the whole time, I’m preoccupied with wondering who at this table or in this town is responsible for derailing my life. Who among my colleagues knows my deepest, darkest secrets? Who took my spare key from my desk drawer and broke into my house? My worst enemy could be right here in this room.

  I glance at Lilliana, who’s listening attentively to what Georgia is saying and twirling a lock of her hair around her finger. Is it her? She definitely has a motive. But if she knows who I really am, why would she wait years before threatening me? Or did she just find out about my past?

  What if it’s not Lilliana, though? What if it’s someone else more dangerous?

  After the meeting, Ralph tries to talk to me, but I raise my hand.

  “I need the ladies room. I’ll see you around.” I have to be careful. For all I know, someone is watching and reporting back to Jared.

  As I head out, Georgia stops me at the door as the other teachers trickle out.

  “Caitlin, are you okay?”

  I force a smile and square my shoulders, feigning confidence. “Of course, I am, thanks for asking.”

  “It’s just that I noticed you weren’t quite there during the meeting. I hope everything is all right with the baby.”

  I manage a smile. “The baby is well. No problems at all.”

  Georgia smiles. “I’m glad to hear that. If you decide to go on maternity leave earlier than planned, please don’t hesitate to come to me. I’m a mother. After three kids, I’m quite familiar with the aches and pains of pregnancy.”

  “Thank you, Georgia. I’ll keep that in mind.”

  Inside the staff bathroom, I let out a deep sigh and grip the edge of the sink, my head rested on my chest, eyes closed. I try to count the dots behind my eyelids.

  “You okay? Pregnancy getting the better of you?”

  My eyes fly open at the sound of Lilliana’s mocking voice. I thought I was alone. I didn’t hear her enter.

  Steeling myself, I whirl around to face her. I recover quickly. I don’t want to give her the ammunition she needs to weaken me.

  “Why shouldn’t I be okay, Lilliana?” I tip my head to the side. If I asked her straight out whether she’s my stalker, would she admit it?

  “Hey, don’t dump your pregnancy hormones on me. I’m just asking if you’re fine. You look rather pale. The look doesn’t suit you.” There’s a shadow of a smile on her face.

  I pull in a deep breath and study her face for a moment, hands bunched at my sides. My whole being tells me it’s her. She did all those things to me. Maybe this is the time to finally face up to her. She’s always been a thorn in my side. I can’t let her win.

  “You’ve never liked me, have you?” I meet her gaze head-on. She reminds me of those mean girls from high school, the ones who form cliques and make fun of other students, so they can feel empowered.

  “I don’t need to like you to work with you,” she shrills.

  She has just admitted it. So if I had
to make a list of all the suspects, she’d be the first name on my list. She’s not even hiding her hate for me.

  “Tell me, Lilliana. How far would you go to hurt someone you don’t like—someone like me, for example?”

  “Hurt you? I have better things to do, Caitlin. As hard as it might be for you to believe, the world doesn’t revolve around you.”

  “What do you mean by that?” I refuse to back away from her poison. I rest my back against the sink for support.

  “You waltz into town and expect the world to bend to your every wish.” She gets into my personal space. “You barge into our community and take what you want without caring who gets hurt. You expect everything to just fall into your lap ... like your job.”

  “I don’t know what I ever did to you. Everything I have in my life I earned and worked hard for. Yes, it wasn’t hard for me to get this job, but that’s because I’m qualified, and I’m damn good at what I do.”

  She scoffs. “If it weren’t for Ralph talking you up, you wouldn’t be here.”

  “That’s what you think? That I got this job because of Ralph? Sorry to disappoint you, but it was Georgia who came to me. I got this teaching position because I’m damn good at my job. I don’t understand your problem.”

  “You think I’m stupid, don’t you?” Her nostrils are flaring now. “You might fool other people, but I can see right through you. I watch you every day. I see you following Ralph like a lovesick puppy even when you have a husband at home. Don’t you have any shame at all?”

  I feel myself reeling. This is going further than I’d expected. I might have just opened up a can of worms.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lilliana. There’s nothing going on between Ralph and me. We’re friends, and that’s all. Men and women are capable of being friends.”

  “Is that what you tell Jared?” She smiles. “Is that what you tell him every day when you go home?”

  “You have no right.” I grind the words between my teeth. I want to say more, but I hear shuffling outside the door. It won’t be a good idea to cause a scene at my workplace. I have to be professional. I cannot allow my private problems to destroy my job.

  “Look, Lilliana, you’re right. We don’t have to like each other to work together. From now on, let’s just stay out of each other’s way and do our jobs. You deserve your position, and I deserve mine. That’s all there is to it.”

  She takes a few steps closer, her breath hot on my face again. “You know what? Jared made me promise not to tell you this, but I can’t help myself.”

  “Tell me what?” My stomach turns at her words.

  “Before you came along, we were a thing, and it was getting serious.”

  I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck and I’m flying in midair before hitting the ground hard. “I don’t believe you,” I whisper. Of course, Jared had a dating history before me. He told me about his fiancée and other women he dated, but none of them in this town. Why didn’t he tell me about Lilliana? Is it because he doesn’t want me to feel uncomfortable while working with her? I get that, but I’d rather have heard it from him than the snake herself. Unless she’s lying.

  “If you don’t believe me, ask him. If you hadn’t come along, I’d probably have been the one carrying his baby right now instead of you.” She frowns. “No, you can’t do that, can you? You can’t ask him. A little bird told me you’re not on speaking terms.” She pulls her tote bag closer to her body and disappears into one of the stalls.

  I stay for a moment in the middle of the room, unable to move, listening to her urinate. She has to be the person I’m looking for. She has multiple motives to hurt me. She wanted Jared; she wanted my baby.

  I place a hand on my belly, and the baby kicks against it.

  Bile rises up my throat, and I hurry into a free stall. I position myself at the bowl, expecting vomit to rush out of me but I only heave dry air. When I exit, Lilliana is still in her stall, probably laughing and enjoying my pain and humiliation.

  If she really dated Jared, she probably has his cell phone number. She must be the one who sent him that text message. After all, she believes that Ralph and I are having an affair, just like everybody else in town. But I can’t go around throwing accusations without concrete proof. I have more to lose. Unlike me, Faypine is her home.

  I’m still a stranger in this town. There are possibly a lot of people who might not want me here, who hold grudges I may not know about.

  She finally walks out of the cubicle, washes her hands, and fixes her makeup without saying another word to me. Then she leaves me alone in the bathroom.

  Tears burn my eyes, but I can’t humiliate myself even further. I swallow my tears, take a deep breath, and walk out. On my way to the classroom, I spot Ralph standing in front of the door to the gym. He sees me and hurries to walk beside me.

  “Caitlin, is something going on?”

  “Why is everybody asking me that? Everything is fine, Ralph. I really don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be seen together.” I keep my voice low, so no one hears our conversation.

  I’m pretty sure the walls in this school have ears, and they report right back to Lilliana.

  “Did I do something to upset you? I’m wondering because the past few days you’ve been avoiding me. You even leave work without saying goodbye. I tried calling you several times outside work, but you won’t pick up my calls.”

  “Like I said, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be seen together ... or to call each other.”

  “I don’t understand. We’re friends. What changed?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it. I have a busy day ahead. The kids are waiting. I can’t deal with this right now, okay?”

  Ralph stops walking and grabs my arm, pulling me to a halt. I quickly pull my arm from his grasp before anyone sees. Thank God most kids are already in class.

  I shake my head. “Don’t do that again.”

  “I care about you. That’s why I need to know if you’re fine. I care about you as a friend.”

  “Is that all, Ralph, really? Do you care for me as only a friend?”

  “Where’s all this coming from?” He arches his perfectly formed eyebrows. “What changed between us? You’re acting all strange.”

  I sigh. “Ralph, I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault. I’m having a bad day.”

  “You’ve been having quite a few bad days lately. I’m worried about you.”

  “I appreciate that, but I’m fine. Yes, there are things going on in my life right now, but I have to work through them on my own.”

  Telling Ralph about what’s going on would only complicate things further, and it would infuriate Jared if he finds out. “I have to go. I’ll see you around, okay?” I start to walk away.

  “If you need to talk, give me a call. I mean it.”

  “Okay,” I lie and distance myself from him.

  CHAPTER 36

  I’m a ghost of myself as I step off the school grounds and enter my car. My conversation with Lilliana in the morning spoiled the rest of my day. I kept running her words over and over inside my head.

  I rest my head on the steering wheel, careful not to push too hard. This entire time I thought it could be Ryan, that he was still alive and hell-bent on revenge. Even though I know who my tormenter could be, I’m still unable to find relief. There are still so many unanswered questions, things that happened that are hard to pin on Lilliana. The person in the black Nissan, for example, had been a man. Could it be she’s not working alone?

  I’m still a broken, confused mess when I start my car and drive to the grocery store on our street. I throw a few basic foods into the cart—milk, bread, tea, eggs, fruits, and vegetables.

  I’m holding the bag of groceries, twelve minutes later, as I stand in front of Ruth’s gate. Riddled with loneliness, I’ve been coming over quite a lot these last few days. I’ve gone over for coffee and cake, and I’d invited her to dinner twice. It’s hard to believe that only
a few weeks ago, we never said more than a hello to one another. Now she has completely warmed to me. She even shared with me stories of her brief time in Hollywood where she chased fame as an actress.

  I’ve come to like her as well, but not enough to open up to her about what I’m hiding. That’s my secret to keep.

  I step through the gate and ring the bell. No one answers. I wait for a while before ringing again. I shift the bag of groceries to my other hand and wait. Still no answer.

  When Ruth still doesn’t let me in, my gaze drops to the potted plant next to the door. She told me she keeps a spare key there and that I’m welcome into her home anytime.

  I feel uncomfortable about entering her house, but what if something is wrong? I know that she only leaves the house in the morning to run errands and is usually back by noon. And she couldn’t have gone anywhere without her car.

  She’s a lonely old woman with no living relatives. Now that we’re friends, I can’t just go away without finding out if she’s fine. If she’s not home, I’ll leave the groceries in the kitchen and get out.

  Trying not to feel like an intruder, I open the door. I’m immediately welcomed by the smell of fresh flowers.

  Ruth loves to garden, and her house is always filled with vases of fresh blooms in every room. Every time I hear her talk about her hobby, I miss Thalia all over again.

  “Ruth, are you home?” I call several times but get no response.

  Trying not to worry, I enter her bright, yellow kitchen and place the groceries on the counter. Then I go on the search for her.

  Her bedroom upstairs is empty and musty. Not at all as bright as the kitchen, even with the windows wide open.

  My gaze lands on the bed, covered with a multi-colored quilt. Her friend, the one that lived in our cottage, had apparently made it for her only a month before she died.

  I’m about to check the bathroom when I pass the window and decide to see if she’s out in her garden.