Playing with Desire (The Players Club Book 6)

by Erika Wilde

  “No, not completely,” he agreed, finally looking at her, the anguish in his eyes making her own heart hurt for him. “But I should have been more aware of our surroundings. More focused. But for the first time ever in my military career, I was completely distracted and in my own head when it happened.”

  And he was clearly torn over his lack of concentration at a crucial time like that. She couldn’t imagine what had divided his attention. “Distracted by what?”

  “Thoughts of . . . you.”

  She gasped in shock, then shook her head. “I don’t understand.”

  “We’d been in position for endless exhausting hours,” he said, his tone tentative. “And my mind drifted to you and how you were doing and if you were okay after the way I ended things. All torturous thoughts that had weighed heavily on me during the time I’d been overseas. And because I wasn’t paying close attention, I never saw the attack coming, and it could have killed the entire team.”

  The fact that she’d been on his mind when she’d believed he’d so easily cut her out of his life at least gave her a semblance of solace. That she hadn’t been the only one struggling with the breakup. But Summer never wanted any part of their relationship or their painful split to cause him not to be focused the way he should have been. She’d thought the separation had been a clean and easy one for him, but clearly he’d been just as torn.

  But for him to carry the guilt of believing the ambush was his fault was like a knife to her heart. “Declan, you’re not responsible for the entire unit. Clearly, the enemy had some kind of advantage if none of you were aware of the attack until it happened.”

  He rubbed a hand along his jaw and groaned. “Logically, I know that. But it’s been difficult to not feel some kind of culpability when I know I wasn’t paying attention like I should have been.”

  “I’m so sorry,” she said softly.

  “You have nothing to apologize for,” he said, and at least that disturbed glimmer in his gaze had eased as he gently touched her face. “You might have been in my thoughts that day, but I let you be there.”

  She had no idea what any of that meant when it came to her or even them. And she didn’t ask. If there was something significant for him to say, he had to offer it on his own time and terms and not because she’d pried it from him.

  “Do you know what you’re going to do?” she asked.

  “No.” His mouth twisted sardonically. “My mind has been on other things since I’ve been home.”

  She knew he meant the situation with her and Rick, and at least that issue had been settled. No matter what happened with her and Declan going forward, she was at least grateful she hadn’t destroyed their sibling bond.

  She sat up in bed, knowing she needed space from Declan. That an easy sexual relationship for whatever time he was home wasn’t something she could handle when she wished for so much more. As selfish as it might be, she wanted everything with Declan or nothing at all.

  “I think I should go to my own room.” Decision made, she started moving off the bed, but Declan grabbed her arm to stop her. When Summer glanced back at him, she was surprised to see the flash of panic in his eyes, when he wasn’t a man who usually showed those deeper vulnerabilities.

  “Stay,” he said, the one word a demand more than a request.

  Normally, that more dominant side to him could persuade her to do just about anything . . . but not this. “No.” Refusing him was one of the most difficult things she’d had to do when she wanted nothing more to wake up beside him in the morning. Feel him deep inside her again in the middle of the night.

  He didn’t look happy about her rejection, but she powered through, no matter how much it killed her to do so when it would be so incredibly easy to fall back into his arms and stay in his bed. But she didn’t want to be an easy, convenient, temporary lover for Declan. What she wanted was forever with him.

  She swallowed back the emotions tightening her throat. “I think us sleeping together and having sex is only going to complicate matters. You have important decisions to make about your life and career over the next week or so, and I don’t want to interfere or sway you in any way when it comes to whatever choice you make. I’m hoping that the apartment I’m going to see tomorrow is everything I need, and if it is, I’ll probably be out of here by this weekend.”

  “You don’t have to leave.” His voice sounded gravelly. Desperate even.

  Trying her best to keep her sadness bottled up inside her, she smiled at Declan. “Yes, I do.” Because she had her own future to think about, and she had no clue if it might be with him or without him, and she had to prepare herself for the worst-case scenario to protect what was left of her heart.

  He released her arm without further argument. “Okay.”

  And that easily, Declan let her go a second time.

  That night, letting Summer go was the hardest thing Declan had been forced to do in a very long time, but he also knew it was the right decision to make, even if it killed him to have to hurt her in that manner when he wanted to promise her the world.

  But Declan also knew he couldn’t, in good conscience, make any kind of commitment to her until he could guarantee his promises.

  So, as difficult as it was, he respected the boundaries that Summer had set, letting her have her space while he took his. She’d found herself an apartment, and her girlfriends had come over this past weekend to help her move her things to her new place. Declan and Rick had offered their services, but she’d assured him that she could handle everything since most of her items were still in boxes in their garage, and she and her friends had easily loaded her things into Paige’s SUV.

  After saying goodbye and giving him and Rick a too platonic hug that made Declan wonder and worry that he’d completely fucked things up with her, she was gone. And watching her walk away from him had been like an ironic slap in the face, a douse of cold water over his head, a twist in his heart, and all those other stupid clichés. But the possibility that he might lose her forever terrified him. And when she was gone and Rick turned to him with a shake of his head and that you’re an idiot look in his eyes, Declan cut him off before his stepbrother could voice his unwanted opinion.

  “Don’t say a fucking word,” Declan had told him, grinding his teeth irritably. “I’m figuring it out.”

  “Maybe you ought to figure it out a little faster,” Rick had retorted sarcastically, and it had taken every ounce of control Declan possessed not to hijack his stepbrother from behind and beat the shit out of him for being such a dick. Again.

  Declan was doing his best, and over the course of the next week, he explored all avenues of employment, because he wasn’t going to settle for anything less than having the kind of career he actually looked forward to. He’d been too focused on his anger when he’d first arrived home, but now he was giving his future serious thought.

  He’d mulled over his options, one of which was going back to the military and serving overseas, but the lure had dissipated, and he no longer believed it was because he’d been retired from the field. He’d experienced the lack of excitement for his job when he’d originally returned to the Special Forces five months ago and walked away from Summer. His heart hadn’t been in those dangerous, adrenaline-inducing missions anymore, because he’d left every bit of it behind with the one woman who completed him in ways he’d never imagined.

  It had taken him a while, but Declan had come to the realization that she was his reason for wanting something more since joining the military ten years ago. He’d wanted her since the moment he’d seen her at The Players Club, and she’d given him visions of coming home to a sweet, loving wife every day. A rambunctious family they’d raise together. And a full, wonderful life they’d build upon together, year after year. Declan could no longer deny that he needed her in his life as much as he needed air to breathe.

  Now, he was in search of a way to give her everything she deserved without sacrificing her happiness or his own, which meant findi
ng a new career that invigorated him as much as his previous occupation. The thought of taking a boring, tedious administrative job made him want to puke, so that option was immediately off the table. He’d visited nearby Camp Pendleton, which was one of the Department of Defense’s busiest bases. He’d met with a few recruiters and had been offered a position in one of their training facilities, but he’d left the interview with a restless, dissatisfied feeling in his gut and had turned down the offer.

  But today . . . as Declan sat across from Mac and Dean in their boardroom at Noble and Associates, along with a few of their top security specialists in the firm—Logan, Sawyer, and Jace—Declan finally experienced the connection and sense of belonging he’d been waiting for. That camaraderie and bond that only fellow veterans understood as they discussed all the different levels within the company—including counterterrorism, corporate espionage, executive protection services, security consulting, and Rick’s position as head of the Cybersecurity Division.

  Knowing he’d be trained in all areas, which meant facing constant challenges and different high-profile jobs, Declan felt the first spark of excitement since returning home. This was the kind of stimulating, exhilarating career that appealed to him and would feed his adrenaline-junkie soul.

  After signing the employment contract, Declan stood up, along with Mac, Dean, and the other three men in the room, and shook everyone’s hand.

  “Welcome to the team,” Logan said, slapping him on the back, the two of them well on their way to being good friends since they’d already spent time together.

  “We’re definitely thrilled to have you on board,” Mac added.

  Everyone dispersed, and Declan made his way down the hall toward where he knew Rick’s office was. He rapped his knuckles on the door and entered when his stepbrother said to come in.

  Rick, who’d been viewing the three monitors in front of him that most likely had something to do with a cybersecurity issue, glanced up at Declan as he walked in.

  “Well?” Rick asked, curious to know what decision Declan had come to after a week-long search for a suitable second career.

  “It’s done,” Declan said, and the relief that filled him was intense and real. “I’m gainfully employed again, thanks to Mac and Dean.”

  Rick grinned at him. “It’s about goddamn time.”

  Declan shrugged. “I wasn’t going to settle for just anything.”

  “You don’t have to explain or justify anything to me,” Rick said, holding his hands up. “I totally understand, because if you settled and took a job you hated, then I’d be the one dealing with a moody son of a bitch at home.”

  Declan laughed, feeling lighter than he had in months. “I’m not concerned so much about you as I am Summer. I want to be the best man I can be for her.”

  “You will be,” Rick said confidently. “You already are. Go and get your girl, Declan. You’ve made her wait and suffer long enough.”

  He shifted on his feet, his stomach suddenly clenching nervously. “Wish me luck.”

  “You don’t need it. Summer is yours,” Rick said, his words genuine. “She’s always been yours.”

  Declan hoped to God that Rick was right, because he knew that not telling Summer how he truly felt about her before she’d moved out of the house meant every possibility existed that she’d decided he wasn’t worth the heartache he’d put her through.

  And it would be his own fucking fault.

  Summer had just put a frozen meal into the microwave when a knock sounded on the door to her new apartment. Figuring it might be one of the girls stopping by, she glanced out the peephole and was surprised to see Declan standing on the other side. Surprised and suddenly very scared and nervous, because this was possibly the defining moment of their relationship.

  They’d spent the past week apart, with her working and unpacking in her new apartment and Declan doing . . . well, she had no idea how he’d spent the time, since everything between them had gone radio silent since the day she’d moved out of the house.

  She knew he’d had a choice to make with his military career and could only assume he was here to let her know his decision. She’d been bracing herself to hear the worst-case scenario—that he was returning to the army, the only thing he’d known for the past ten years, and accepting the administrative position he’d been offered despite it being a tedious, monotonous job. The fact that she hadn’t heard a word from him or any reassurances of how she might fit into his life in any regard had her believing that he was preparing her for another devastating blow.

  But despite that ball of anxiety in her belly, she opened the door and greeted him with a forced smile, even while her entire body reacted to him, because there was no denying that she’d always belong to this gorgeous, complex, alpha man, regardless of how this conversation ended today. No man would ever compare to him and everything he’d come to mean to her.

  “Hey,” she said, trying to read his expression, but he was currently wearing his poker face, and that didn’t reassure her at all of where she stood with him. Where they stood. “It’s good to see you.”

  The corner of his mouth quirked a tiny bit. “You, too,” he said as his warm, appreciative gaze slid over the army T-shirt she’d put on after work, along with a pair of shorts. “Can I come in?”

  Ugh. She hated all the pleasantries when she was dying to throw herself against his chest and feel his arms around her, reassuring her that they weren’t over. But if it meant going through the motions of small talk to get there, she’d endure it all.

  “Sure.” She stepped back, and after he’d entered, she closed and locked the door behind him, then followed Declan as he strolled into the mostly empty living room.

  I’m sorry there’s no couch to sit on yet.” Since her last studio apartment had had a Murphy bed, there had been no room for any other furniture and nothing to move into her new place, which was an upgrade to a one-bedroom.

  “I’m good,” he said, turning to face her again. “I wanted to tell you in person that I’ve made a decision about what I’m going to do.”

  “And?” The suspense was killing her, and she gnawed apprehensively on her bottom lip.

  “I’m going to retire from the army.”

  Her stomach jumped at the exhilarating news, and she quickly calmed her reaction, because this was about him, not her. Or even them. “Is that what you really want?”

  He nodded. “Yes. I spoke with Dean and Mac today. They offered me a job, and I accepted, so I’m sticking around. I hope that’s okay with you?” He grinned, though she saw the tinge of worry swirling in the depths of his eyes.

  “That’s fantastic,” she said, genuinely happy for him and his new career choice, if he’d made it for the right reasons. “But I need to know that you didn’t take the job for me.”

  “No, I took it for us.” He stepped toward her, closing the distance between them and framing her face in his hands, tipping her gaze up to his. “Because out of all the options I had, it’s a career that’s going to fulfill me—professionally and personally—and that includes you in the big picture of what I envision going forward from here.” His thumbs gently caressed her cheeks. “I always believed that the military was my entire life, but that changed the night I saw you at The Players Club. Now, I’m not heading off to some foreign country and leaving you behind ever again . . . if you still want me.”

  She sighed, his words giving her so much hope. “I’ll always want you. I’ll love you forever if you let me.”

  “I will. I love you, too. And I need you. So fucking much.” He pressed his forehead to hers, letting her see all the emotion in his gaze. “I’ve held in my feelings for you the past five months, thinking and believing I was doing the right thing by letting you go. That you deserved someone more solid and stable who could give you everything you dreamed of. But there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t regret not telling you what you mean to me.”

  Summer’s heart soared, and she brushed a smiling k
iss across his lips. “You’re everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more. You make me happy. You make me feel desired. And now, I feel more loved than I ever believed possible. You own me, Declan Burke. My heart. My body. My soul. It’s all yours.”

  A deep groan rolled out of his throat, and seemingly done talking, he crushed his mouth to hers, kissing her feverishly and branding her with the deep, delightful sweep of his tongue along hers. She tasted his hunger, his relief, and when he walked her back a few steps and pressed her up against the nearest wall, her body began to hum with heated desire and the need to feel him deep inside her.

  He must have felt the same way, because both their hands went between their bodies at the same time, Declan nearly tearing the button off her shorts as he unfastened the waistband and pushed the article of clothing down her legs, while she lowered the zipper over the bulge in his jeans and shoved the denim to his thighs, just enough to free his erection.

  She took all that erect heat in her hand, and with their mouths still fused, she stroked the length of him and skimmed her thumb over the head, already seeping with pre-cum. He pushed his fingers through her slick folds, then plunged them into her pussy with a deep, seductive thrust that had her arching and crying out, already wet and completely ready for whatever he demanded of her.

  “Bed?” he growled, biting the side of her neck before sucking on the patch of skin, to the point that Summer knew he’d leave a mark.

  She shivered and managed to shake her head. “I don’t have one yet.” Her new mattress wasn’t scheduled to be delivered until that weekend.

  He swore beneath his breath. “Okay, fucking you against the wall it is, because I need inside you now.” He bent and gripped the backs of her thighs, starting to pull her up while bracing her against the flat surface behind her. “Tighten your legs around my waist and wrap your arms around my neck to hold on.”

  That command, coming from him, made her melt, and she lifted her knees up high and folded her legs around his hips, aligning their bodies intimately. She clung to him as she felt his cock probe her entrance, as he gradually stretched her open around the engorged tip. Then, with a hard, driving upward thrust, he plunged the rest of the way in with toe-curling friction, sliding home in a delicious, endless thrust that made her gasp and burn for him.