O Hell, All Ye Shoppers

by Louisa Masters

  Table of Contents

  Blurb

  Dedication

  Text

  About the Author

  By Louisa Masters

  Visit Dreamspinner Press

  Copyright

  O Hell, All Ye Shoppers

  By Louisa Masters

  Ethan Hall plans to fill Saturday, December 23, with junk food and bad TV, a day just for him amid the holiday chaos… until his baby sister calls and begs him to go collect a present for her. At the biggest shopping center in Australia. On the busiest shopping day of the year. Hell no. Right?

  Ethan’s soft heart gets the best of him. He battles through the parking lot, and in the main shopping concourse, he’s trampled, elbowed, and bombarded with terrible holiday music. Then he enters hell itself, a specialty store aimed at women… where he meets Ty. They bond in a sea of estrogen and manic shoppers, fighting together to attain freedom, only to find they’re not quite ready go their separate ways.

  To everyone who hates shopping in “hell” week—you are not alone!

  “NO.”

  “Oh, come on, E! I’m desperate. Please. Please please please!”

  “No.”

  “Eeee-than! How can you do this to me?”

  “Me? How can you make me the bad guy here? You’re the one who was so disorganized, she forgot to buy her sister a Christmas present. Just because I don’t want to go shopping for you on December 23 does not put me in the wrong.”

  Ethan Hall glared at his TV, where a perfectly good—well, maybe boringly average—movie was paused so he could take an annoying call from his little sister. It was one of those wonderful years where Christmas fell on a Monday, which meant Ethan had a long weekend. He was meeting friends on Christmas Eve, and had family commitments on Christmas Day, but this glorious Saturday was supposed to be just for him. A day of sloth and laziness and pre-Christmas eating, vegged out in front of the TV with the air-conditioning on high. Instead, Erin had called and wanted him to go to Chadstone, of all places—Australia’s biggest shopping center, and certainly the busiest one in Melbourne. Ethan avoided it at the best of times, but especially on Saturdays. And this was not just any Saturday, but Saturday, December 23. There was no way in hell he was going there.

  “Please,” Erin begged, and this time Ethan thought he heard the edge of tears in her voice. He sat up straight. “Please, Ethan. I can’t get away from here for hours, and then I’m going straight to Mike’s friend’s house, and Mum has all the kids all day today, so she can’t go. I’ve already asked five of my friends, but everybody’s rushed off their feet because it’s two days before Christmas. I know this is your special day off, and I know you hate shopping, but please… I can’t turn up to Christmas without a present for Dana. She’ll never forgive me. You know what she’s like.”

  Ethan’s resolve wavered, because he did know what Dana was like. She would gladly do anything you needed without having to be asked, but she took offense more easily than anyone he knew.

  Erin must have sensed his hesitation, because she pressed forward. “It’s all paid for and everything,” she assured him. “You just have to pick it up. Go in there, give them the name, and take it.”

  Ethan sighed and turned off the TV. “Fine.”

  YOU JUST have to pick it up, my arse. I am such a sucker. Ethan scowled at the crowd pressing in around him. First he’d had to wait in traffic for thirty minutes to even get into the damn parking lot. Then he’d had to drive around for another twenty minutes, desperately searching for a spot. During that time, he’d been cut off by three reckless drivers and had seen numerous worn-down parents trying to corral their children while lugging a ridiculous number of shopping bags to their cars—where there would be several people waiting to take their spot.

  He’d finally found parking (and had possibly become one of those reckless drivers when he’d seen a spot about to open up in the next aisle, but hey, desperate times), and then… then he’d entered the belly of the beast.

  Why were all these people here, shopping, two days before Christmas? Were none of them organized? Had none of them done what he did and bought most of their presents online—or in November? And worse, why were so many of them smiling? Did they actually enjoy shopping with people pressing in on all sides, elbows and arms smacking them in their faces and torsos?

  It took another fifteen minutes to find the right store in the seething morass of depraved humanity. Ethan considered himself a hero for not going on a murderous rampage, despite having his feet stepped on twice, nearly being run down by first a shopping cart and then an irritable toddler, and being elbowed and jostled more times than he could count. The noise level was insane, people talking, yelling, children shrieking, and beneath it all, the constant, cheery sound of annoying, chipper Christmas carols. Ethan had always rather enjoyed Christmas carols—in moderation, of course—but why were they only playing songs about things Santa did or where he was going? And why did they all sound the same?

  Inside the store it was only marginally less crowded. Worse, though, was that the crowd consisted of only women, all staring at him as though he were some kind of ravaging villain. Ignoring them, Ethan wove through the people and displays toward the counter. He stood in line, kind of patiently, trying not to stare at anyone or anything, and wondering what the hell the store actually sold. There seemed to be piles of feminine crap everywhere—clothes and accessories and candles and… wasn’t this supposed to be a specialty store?

  Finally, finally, it was his turn. He stepped up to the counter and faced the manically smiling teenager there.

  “Hi! Can I help you?” she demanded with such forced cheer that Ethan nearly took a step back.

  “My sister bought something and I need to pick it up,” he said, wondering if he should smile or if that would push her over the edge. He decided against it. He didn’t really want to smile, anyway.

  “What name’s it being held under?” the girl asked, casting a longing glance over her shoulder at a door that presumably led to the back room.

  “Erin Hall.”

  She disappeared through the door, although Ethan was not entirely sure she was going to look for Erin’s purchase. Perhaps she was just escaping the madness.

  Again he found himself waiting, this time staring fixedly at that door, focusing all his energy on an image of the sales assistant coming back through holding… whatever it was Erin had bought.

  And waiting.

  And waiting.

  The other sales assistants rang customers up, and there was a general flow of jostling traffic to and from the counter, and still Ethan waited.

  Not patiently.

  Much like the customers lined up around him.

  Finally she came back out… empty-handed.

  “I’m sorry, there’re a lot of holds and orders back there, and I’m having trouble finding yours,” she said, no longer smiling. “Can you tell me what it is? That will be easier to find than going through every single one.”

  Ethan cringed. “Sorry, I don’t know. Something girly?” She gave him a look that should have incinerated him, and he fumbled in his pocket for his phone. “Um, let me call and find out.”

  “Never mind,” she told him, and went back through the door.

  “Guess she doesn’t want to wait,” said a voice, and Ethan turned to the man who’d come up beside him. He’d never seen the guy before in his life, but right then, surrounded by women and female crap that made no sense, it was like discovering a long-lost brother.

  He looked at the guy properly. A really hot, blond-haired, green-eyed long-lost brother whom he wouldn’t mind getting to know better.

  “Guess not,” he said lamely, then followed it up with, “I’
m really glad to not be the only man here.”

  The stranger grinned. “Does that mean you’ll wait until I’m done so I don’t have to be the only man here?”

  Ethan gulped. The guy was sexy and all, but was he really worth hanging around in this… this…. He couldn’t even think of a word to describe the hell he was in.

  Hot Guy tilted his head and smiled, and Ethan caved. He hadn’t had sex in six months. A guy smiling at him was worth an extra few minutes in purgatory.

  “Sure,” he choked out, and the guy flat out laughed.

  “Man, you’re a better person than me,” he said, shaking his head. “Right. I gotta buy a present for my sister. I got her a blender thing because she likes to cook, right? But my mum said it wasn’t ‘appropriate’ for Christmas and that Nikki would cut off my balls if I gave her that, so I’m saving it for a just-because present to earn points, and I need to find something else now.”

  Ethan nodded sympathetically. He guessed a blender was kind of a weird Christmas gift. “Sorry, can’t help. I’m here because my little sister’s a ditz and needs me to pick up the present she bought for our older sister. As you heard, I don’t even know what it is.”

  The guy squinted at him. “Older sister? How much older? Like, thirties?”

  Ethan nodded.

  “Girly? Wears makeup and does weird things to her hair that involve more than a brush and an elastic band?”

  Ethan nodded again.

  “Great, I’ll just get whatever you get. I’m Ty, by the way.”

  “Ethan,” Ethan said, blinking. “You don’t know what I’m getting, though.”

  Ty shrugged. “It was picked by a woman who probably knows what she’s doing, for a woman who fits the same basic profile as my sister. It can’t be worse than the ball-cutting blender.”

  Yeah, that was probably true.

  At that blessed moment, the sales assistant came back out, glossy bag in hand with a receipt stapled to the front. “Here you go,” she said, handing it over, and Ethan could have wept with relief.

  “Yes,” he said, trying not to snatch as he took the bag. “Thank you.” She’d already turned to the next customer in line, and Ethan backed away from the counter, clutching his prize with both hands.

  “So what is it?” Ty asked, walking with him, and Ethan stopped in the relative shelter of one of the displays and opened the bag.

  “It’s… a gift pack of some kind,” he said, although it was the weirdest gift pack he’d ever seen. A candle, wine bottle stoppers, two of those little dish things that were really too small to be useful, a mini datebook, and a bunch of test tube–looking things that were labeled—

  “Does that really say ‘Salt from around the world’?” Ty asked incredulously. “Whoever came up with this combination for a gift pack must have been high.”

  “Or female,” Ethan muttered, and Ty laughed.

  “You said it. Okay, so where do I find that thing?” he said, looking around.

  Ethan, kind of desperate to get away from shops of any kind but not wanting to give up Ty’s warm presence beside him, glanced around also. “Over there.” He pointed. “At least, I think. There are way too many gift packs in here.”

  Ty made a sound that could have been agreement, and they edged through the seemingly growing masses of women toward what Ethan really hoped was the correct display. It seemed to take forever, but finally they made it, and Ty snatched up one of the boxes with a small cry of relief. “Ethan, you’ve saved my life,” he said, those bewitching green eyes fixed on Ethan, who swallowed. “More importantly, you’ve saved my balls.” Ethan had to laugh, and Ty grinned. “I have one more favor to ask. It’s a big one, and I would understand if you said no, but come with me to pay? Please? These people scare me. They’re so… focused. And that salesgirl was one bitchy customer away from a killing spree.”

  Ethan hesitated, mostly because he thought Ty was right about the salesgirl and he didn’t want to risk being at the counter if she snapped.

  “Please?” Ty gave him the same beseeching look Ethan’s four-year-old nephew used when he wanted something, and Ethan felt his resistance fading. “Come with me to pay, and I’ll buy you a coffee. Or a drink. God knows we deserve it.”

  Everything in Ethan perked up. “Not here, though,” he cautioned, and Ty shuddered.

  “Fuck, no. We’re getting away from this place as soon as we can.”

  Ethan smiled, doing his best to keep it under control and not beam like a lunatic, and said, “Okay, then.” He followed Ty to join the line at the counter, inwardly dancing in triumph. A hot, funny, nice guy wasn’t desperately trying to get away from him.

  He frowned. That made it sound like guys were always trying to get away from him, which wasn’t true. Just because he’d been going through a dry spell lately didn’t mean he was some kind of troll.

  Although, his inner self dancing did kind of look like his outer self dancing, and that had been known to put guys off.

  But he can’t see you dancing on the inside. Also, you’ve been silent for a while. Maybe talk to the guy, so he can see how awesome you are?

  Right. “So, Ty, do you have just the one sister?”

  Lame. So lame. What’s wrong with you? Anyone would think you’ve never picked up a guy before.

  But Ty was still smiling as he answered. “Yep, just one sister. And two brothers, but it’s so much easier to buy them presents. The youngest one’s still at uni, so he’s perpetually broke. He wrote us all a list—that made it really easy!”

  “A list,” Ethan said. “I wish my sisters would do something like that. A list would have saved me hours of looking at those websites that give tips on what gifts to buy but really are no help at all.”

  Ty laughed again, and the line moved forward slightly. “Mate, when Mike handed out his list, I said we should all do the same so everyone could have presents they really wanted. My mum took that to mean I’d never liked any present I was ever given, and my sister said we should already be able to buy each other gifts we really want because we’re a close family and know each other’s likes and dislikes. So I thought about her likes, and that’s how I ended up at the mall two days before Christmas, when I finished all my Christmas shopping two weeks ago.”

  “What would you have bought her if she hadn’t said that and made you think about her likes?” Ethan asked, intrigued, as the line inched forward again.

  Ty shrugged. “Probably some of those fancy candles from the expensive store near her work,” he said. “Or a gift card to a day spa. That’s what I usually get her.”

  “And she likes them?” Ethan had bought both a fancy candle and a gift card to a day spa each for his sisters and mum this year. It would really suck if he had to find something different now.

  Although, he was probably in the right place.

  “Sure, she always says it gives her an excuse to take time off and relax. But after her little lecture, I wanted to get her something that showed I knew her ‘likes.’” He rolled his eyes. “And then when that failed, I was going to go to the candle place, but Mum said I should get something different.” He snorted and stepped up to the counter. “Next time, it’s gift cards for everyone.” He pulled out his credit card and waited to hand it over. Ethan caught a glimpse of the name on it—Tyler M. Carson—and something clicked in his brain.

  “You said your brother was still at uni, right?” No way could this be right. This was a level of coincidence that only happened in movies.

  “Yeah, but next year’s his last. So hopefully next Christmas he’ll be making money and we can all expect gifts.” Ty winked to show he was joking, and handed over his credit card.

  “Right. And you said his name’s Mike? Mike Carson?”

  Ty seemed to realize that Ethan was no longer making casual conversation, because he turned all his focus in Ethan’s direction. “Yeah….”

  Ethan sighed. “I think your brother and my little sister are dating.”

  Ty blinked, h
is mouth dropping open. “No fucking way!” The woman behind them gasped, and Ty sent an apologetic grimace and a muttered “Sorry” over his shoulder, before turning back to Ethan. “You’re Erin’s big brother?”

  Ethan held out a hand. “Ethan Hall.”

  Ty laughed and shook it. Electricity zinged, and those green eyes widened. “Tyler Carson.” His voice was slightly husky.

  The sales assistant cleared her throat, and Ty slowly let go of Ethan’s hand and turned to take back his credit card. Ethan closed his mouth, which had fallen open at some point, and tried to clear the buzzing from his head. A moment later, Ty was stepping away from the counter, Ethan following, and they made their way toward the entrance into the rest of hell—er, the main shopping concourse.

  “I can’t believe you’re Erin’s brother,” Ty said, shaking his head. “She talks about you all the time. I expected you to be fifty feet tall and wielding a sword of fire.” Ethan laughed as he dodged a random elbow, using the shopping bag as a weapon in the battle to walk through the mall. “No, really, I’m serious,” Ty protested, turning his body slightly so he could shoulder through the crowds. “Mike joked once that if you and she weren’t siblings, he’d be crazy jealous. Wait, are you running this errand for her?”

  “Yeah,” Ethan said, feeling slightly guilty that Erin had nearly had to cry before he’d agreed to do this. Maybe he should be nicer to her? She was pretty great, as far as baby sisters went, and—

  A shopping cart rammed him from behind, and he vowed to never agree to do any favor for either of his sisters ever again. Whirling, he prepared to put a major hurt on… the barely five-foot octogenarian woman steering the cart. He huffed and narrowed his eyes. He hated situations like this. She’d rammed him, and based on the death glare she was giving him, she’d gladly do it again, but there was no way society would ever see him as anything but the bad guy in an altercation between them.

  Ty grabbed his arm and yanked him out of the old biddy’s way. “Move, Ethan,” he said. “The wicked witch has to get home and bake some children for supper.”

  The woman’s glare intensified, but she stormed off to ram some other helpless schmuck who didn’t have an amazing knight in shining armor to stand up for him, and Ethan beamed at Ty.