by Robin Leaf
I scrambled over to wrap my arms around Freddy, who buried his head in my neck. “He saved us, Darla. We all should have died. Dex saved our lives.” He whispered, “I’m so sorry. If we had only left a second sooner. I should have felt it on the kid. It should have been me.”
Holy fuck.
I held him as we cried together. I heard a rough clearing of a throat from another part of the room, but I ignored it and held onto my brother’s best friend until our tears died down.
“Freddy,” I began. “How can you think it should have been you?” I pulled back from him. “You have a family, two beautiful little girls to think about. Dex knew they needed their daddy.” I wiped his tears with my thumbs. “I can’t begin to understand how you feel right now, and I’m not going to try to tell you how to feel. However, I will give you something to think about. Guilt? It’s a wasted emotion. Especially when you aren’t at fault,” I smiled, “and you know Dex would kick your ass for thinking that way. You need to take this gift for what it is.”
He scoffed. “It’s not a gift. I just lost my best friend.”
“Yeah, and I lost my big brother. But Freddy, he did the best possible thing. He was the superhero I always thought he was.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and whispered in his ear. “Please don’t dishonor him with guilt or wishes that you took his place. You should live in a way that would honor him.” I sat up and looked him in the eyes. “You need to make his sacrifice mean something.”
The phone ringing startled both of us. I answered my dad’s call and died a little more inside because I had to let him announce the news to me. To protect Freddy, Dad couldn’t know that I already knew. Fuck, it was hard to hear, even after I already knew the truth. My parents were wrecked by the news. I assured them I would be there very soon.
Freddy and I hugged each other for a long time. We finally began whispering our favorite memories of Dex, laughing and crying for at least an hour before we started to recount what Dex would want for both of us. After I began to believe Freddie would be okay, I remembered that his visit would get him in trouble.
“We need to get you back to base. Then I need to go home. Noah?”
“Everything’s already been arranged.”
~~~
The week that followed the worst day of my life frustrated everyone. Between the phone calls, questions, planning, and visitors, we barely had time to grieve. The additional time spent cutting through all the military bullshit and learning that “the remains” of my brother could not be transported really upset my parents.
I hated that we were reduced to discussing him as “remains.”
Truth was, there were no remains, which absolutely devastated us all. Despite their Bohemian vibe, my parents still held traditional beliefs about burials. We had nothing to bury, so we decided to go through with a memorial service to honor Dex, which we’d scheduled for later this afternoon.
I couldn’t sleep, so I came out to our favorite tree to watch the sunrise.
An hour after the sun graced me, I continued to sit on the swing in my pajamas. A couple of years ago, Dex and I hung this simple swing from the tree that we used to climb as kids. It grew next to the small brook that ran at the east side of my parents’ property. In the fifteen years since we last climbed together, our tree had grown too tall to climb like we used to. It seemed such a shame for the future generations who would visit this place in hopes to have the perfect climbing tree.
“I’m thinking of adding some sort of rope ladder,” I said to the air. “Although that might be a dumb idea since I don’t know who would use it. I’m still on the fence about having any kids. I just can’t see having them without…” I trailed off and sighed. “But since you’re not here, I may change my mind. I mean… It would be a shame if Mom and Dad’s one chance for having grandkids is gone.”
I pulled my feet up and rested my chin on my knees.
“I’m going to miss you so much, Dexter Rain Flurkey.” Tears stung before they spilled down my face. “I feel so out of touch with the universe right now. Everything feels upside down. It has for a while, even since before…” I trailed off and buried my face in my knees to wipe my tears. “I don’t know which way to go. I just feel if I had some indication of what is supposed to happen now…” I listened to the rushing water for a second. “I know you’d tell me, ‘Sometimes you have to help the universe along and look for its clues.’ I just don’t know where to look. I was hoping you would reach out and help me.”
I inhaled deeply, trying in some way to feel Dex’s energy around me. I closed my eyes, concentrating on the sounds, waiting… and waiting. Not sure if it was for some big revelation to hit or even just a warm breeze to help me feel closer to him. Nothing happened. I just felt empty.
I heard a snap of a twig right before I felt the comforting hands on my shoulders. I leaned back, absorbing all the calm I could from the one person Dex knew I really needed right now. Lips landed on my temple, and I felt him inhale.
“God, I’ve missed you,” Jase breathed in my ear.
I could only sob in reply.
He lifted me to standing and sat on the ground, pulling me to sit between his legs, placing my head against his chest. He held me and tucked my head under his chin, placing his warm lips against forehead periodically. We sat together for a while. I wasn’t quite sure, but I think he cried, too. It was enormously comforting.
“I’m so sorry, Darla Maize.”
I sniffed. “You know I hate it when you use my middle name.”
I felt him smile. “There you are.”
I looked up at him. “Yeah, well, I wondered where you were.”
He sighed. “I have been here for a few days, but I didn’t know if you’d want to see me.”
“I always want to see my best friend, Jase.”
“I’ll probably need to remind you of that someday,” he smiled, running his fingers down my face. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you got the news. Noah called me right after Freddy told you, and all I wanted was to drop everything and run to you.”
I smirked up at him. “So… Let’s talk about Noah.”
“Wow, we’re just going to dive right in, huh?”
I sat up. “Well, we never really had the opportunity to discuss him.”
“Because neither of you told me you met until he was forced to tell me when you moved into his building,” he accused gently. “I don’t like to be out of the loop.”
“I called you to discuss it, but…”
“I was a ‘mother-fucking, cock-sucking asshole.’” He scorned. “I got that message.”
“I meant it at the time. Now… not so much.”
He stared at me for a minute. “Don’t you want to ask me about… her? You never have.”
I rolled my eyes. “Because you haven’t really been available.”
“Well, I am now.” He kissed my forehead again.
I smiled. “No, I don’t need to ask. Noah told me it was none of my business, which happened to be right after he said you didn’t sleep with her.” I shrugged. “Don’t tell him I said this, but he’s right. If we are going to be just friends, it shouldn’t get to me who’s in your bedroom at night.” I settled back against his chest. “We’ve been busy these last few months, I get that, but we need to take the extra effort to make time for each other, Jase. I’ve missed you.” I snuggled into him. “I’m just glad you’re here now. No matter what I said to your British troll, you’re my friend and I love you.”
That made him laugh out loud. After he calmed, he asked, “So, are you okay?”
It took a second to formulate my answer. “I think I will be. I just need to find my path again.”
He nudged my chin up so I looked him in the eye. “You’ve always been a wanderer, but you’ve always known who you are. I’ve never known you to get lost before.”
I smiled sadly and whispered, “That’s because you’ve never known me without you before.”
His expression fl
ashed one of anguish. “Dammit, Darla,” he muttered under his breath. His arms tightened around me and he placed his lips on my forehead. “I have always been here.” He pulled back to look in my eyes and cupped my cheeks. “And I will always love you, forever.” He pulled my face to his and kissed me softly before closing his eyes as if he was in pain. “Dammit, I really wish things were different. I want you to be happy, but I am still not in any position to make that happen.”
I closed my eyes at his admission, realizing it both thrilled me and hurt me no less now than it did when he said it before. I thought for a minute before I answered him. “You can’t make me happy. I am a firm believer that no one else can make a person happy, Jase. I may have been a little lost lately, but I haven’t been unhappy. We make our own happiness. We have to like who we are, our lives, and the people we choose to be in them, but happiness should not be found in other people. We have to feel it from within ourselves.”
He ran his fingertips down both sides of my face. “I’d be inclined to believe you if I didn’t feel so much happier with you in my arms right now than I have in a year.”
I reached up and touched his face. “Come on, Jase, if you’re not happy, you have the ability to change it.”
He smiled sadly and whispered, “Unfortunately, even I don’t have that power.”
“That’s bullshit. If you don’t like something about your life, you certainly do have the power to change anything you hate. You are always so in control.”
He sighed. “There are some things that are beyond our control, Darla.” The smirk I loved made an appearance. “Since we’re doling out the advice, let’s talk about your universe theory.”
“What about it?”
“Well, I’ve never known it to go silent on you. Let’s talk about why that is, shall we? Maybe you been so fixated on other things, you are ignoring what you would normally interpret as signs.”
I pushed up to sitting. “What are you talking about?”
“Well, Noah tells me that you have spent a lot of time being mad at me for not calling. Maybe you have been brooding…”
I crossed my arms across my chest. “I never brood.”
He rolled his eyes. “…brooding over hurt feelings and ignoring anything else that comes your way.”
“You know, it bothers me how you and Noah sit around and gossip about me.”
He chuckled. “We don’t gossip, Darla. He reports.”
“Wait a minute,” I stood up, “are you saying you pay him to report to you about me? Just like your father paid him to report on you?”
If “Oh, shit” had a face, Jase just made it.
“I guess that answers my question.”
“Darla, I have to know you’re okay. Noah keeps me updated.”
“And you couldn’t just call and ask me?” My nostrils flared. I’d spent the last few months mad at this man, and the minute I felt better about it, he had to go and make me angry again. I decided to walk away before I said something I didn’t mean, as per my usual. I ground my jaw, but I plastered on a smile.
“Look, I’m glad you are here, but I have to go get ready for the memorial now. Come to the house when you’re ready.”
I walked away from him, leaving him sitting under the tree, still a bit miffed that he would treat me like his father treated him. By the time I got to the house, I was downright pissed.
I tried to collect myself before I went inside. I didn’t need anyone worrying about me today. C’mon, Darla, you’re supposedly an actress, for Dionysus’ sake, so you can hide a little anger.
When I opened the door, I smiled when I saw my mother sitting at the kitchen table, apparently drinking her favorite tea. Once she saw me, she stood and wrapped her arms around me.
“What’s wrong?”
It’s amazing, the power of a mother’s intuition. Here she was on the day she is to say goodbye to her oldest, her only son, and she still saw through my carefully crafted façade. She could probably see it in my aura, and I’d be damned if I allowed her to perform that fucking cleansing ceremony, especially today of all days.
“Nothing, Ma. I’m just sad about…”
“Don’t give me that shit, Darla Maize Flurkey. You’re pissed. I can tell. Why?”
I pulled back to look at my mom. I saw lines on her face, not of age, but of wonder and wisdom. She looked beautiful despite the sadness in her eyes. I proceeded to tell her what had transpired at the tree. She was the one person who knew the whole story with Jase, so I felt comfortable admitting how betrayed I felt with him paying Noah to keep tabs on me.
She lightly, and uncharacteristically, smacked me on the back of the head. “What’s the matter with you?”
“Wow, Mom, that is so not the reaction I expected,” I teased as I dramatically rubbed the spot she hit. “You aren’t usually so violent.”
She giggled. “Oh, come on. Why can’t you see this for what it is? He pays his friend to keep tabs on you because it’s what he knows. Yeah, the senator is a douche, but I know for a fact he loves his kid. Jase maybe thinks this is how one shows love. And he presumably paid the guy who just happens to be the one with whom he watched you have sex, and that has to be hard for Jase, not only because you two even met, but also because Noah and you have become so close. You weren’t exactly talking, and he wanted you to be okay. He’s probably been paying Noah to keep you safe with the body-guarding thing, too.”
I stared blankly and then nodded. “I never thought about it. Noah hasn’t asked me to pay him. I assumed he just liked me, or maybe Charlie had asked him to do it pro bono, or he did it as a perk for Dex. But I guess what you said would make more sense.”
“He just wants what’s best for you, Darla.” She hugged me. “So chill and give the guy a break.”
I smiled against her cheek. “I know.”
She let go and searched my face. “Are you good, because I have to go get dressed for the service.” I nodded, and she smiled. “Thank you for giving me a little distraction. Go find him, tell him you understand, then get dressed yourself. I’m all for freedom of expression, but there are no SpongeBob PJs allowed today,” she announced as she breezed past me. She turned before exiting and added, “And remember, no black, either. We are going to celebrate your brother’s life without darkness.”
Eighteen
“Angel” – Jimi Hendrix
I knew Jase would wait for me on the porch swing. I just never expected to find him there laughing with Allison. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that.
“Well, I guess you two have met,” I crooned as I leaned against the column.
Allison blushed and stood abruptly.
“I was just telling Mr. Heywood I hope it’s okay that I showed up here. I came because I wanted to support you. I know how hard it is to lose family members. I was going to meet you at the memorial, but I must have typed the wrong address in my GPS, so I got lost, and I knew where this winery was since my family came to Napa on vacation, and we stayed here instead.”
The more she talked, the faster she spoke in what sounded like one really long run-on sentence. She usually seemed so calm and collected. This nervous side was cute.
“It’s funny that your family owns this place. I didn’t really know your brother, but I did meet him when we were here and he took me and my family on a golf-cart tour of the vineyard. My sister had a crush on him, but not me. He wasn’t my type.”
She laughed nervously, looked down, and blushed again, but she held out a plastic-covered tray on top of another dish.
“I brought food. Noah told me your family was vegan. I was going to make a casserole, but all my recipes contain meat. Then I thought, ‘Hey, how about twice-baked potatoes?’ But then stupid me realized they had cheese and sour cream and bacon, so that just left mashed potatoes, and how boring is that? But I already cooked the potatoes, so I brought them. And there is a veggie tray. It has ranch dip in the center, but I figured that if you have guests, not all of them will be vegan, and if yo
u don’t, you can just throw the dip away or whatever.”
She finished her rambling and panted.
I took the containers from her and looked to Jase to see an amused expression on his face. I winked at him.
“So I guess Noah didn’t give you the message about no black today?” I nodded down to her simple black dress.
Her panicked expression surprised me. Tears filled her eyes as she started breathing heavily and opening and closing her fists. She bent at the waist and placed her hands on her knees. “Oh my God, he did.” She gulped down air. “I can’t believe I forgot.”
Jase quickly jumped up and guided her backwards to sit. He grabbed her hands and started massaging them. “Close your eyes, focus on my touch, and breathe,” he instructed.
“What are you doing?” I addressed Jase.
He looked over to me and calmly stated, “She’s having a panic attack.”
“How do you know that?”
“My mother has them.” He looked back to Allison. “This helps her, so I’m hoping it helps you.”
Allison nodded her head and kept breathing.
I knelt in front of Allison. Once her breathing calmed, I apologized. “I’m so sorry. I was teasing, and I never meant to…”
“I know.” She opened her eyes and smiled at me. “It’s not you. I worked myself up coming here, and I’m not sure why.”
“Once you’ve settled, I can take you up to find something to wear. You look great as you are, but my mom will have a conniption if anyone shows up in black.”
She nodded and stood.
“Will you wait for me?” I asked Jase.
“Of course.”
~~~
I left Allison in my mother’s care. Hopefully she could find something either from my closet or Mom’s that she would feel comfortable wearing.