I made one last effort.
“If not the suit, then how about an enhanced nutrition-education programme for the twins? Or we could buy a small transport and use it to - “
“Mina,” said Dad, and it was a warning. I fell silent.
“We’ll sell them first thing,” said Dad, and then we cleared away the remains of the meal quietly. There were no leftovers.
Soon we all went to second room and our bunks.
Having slept much of the day I wasn’t particularly tired, and I lay in my bunk feeling a mixture of anger and frustration. I could understand my parents’ desire for a cushion between us and a cast-off life, but to use a haul like this for nothing but continuance felt like such a missed opportunity. The stones were worth more than a little security; we could improve things enormously, and open up a better life long-term. Why were they so short-sighted?
I answered my own question almost as soon as I asked it. They were short-sighted because their lives had been cramped down into narrow drudgery, any wider vision eroded. The best they could let themselves hope for was a slight alleviation of worry.
Well I wasn’t ground down yet. And I had a plan.
I got up and crept through to first room. Quietly I packed my school record and ID, and three k-weights of the stones.
I left a message:
Dear Mum and Dad,
I’ve gone to get a better life. I’ll be back when I have. Enjoy the
stones and don’t worry about me. I’ll miss you all.
Love,
Mina.
I was thirteen, remember. At that age one is blunt.
Slipping through the door I headed to the night mart and bought an elite flight suit (not the scavenging suit I had coveted) for two k-weights of solaz. Then I headed for the port, and started talking to ship’s captains.
Four turned me down out of hand, but the fifth - a short, quiet woman with grey hair in a long plait - listened to me, checked my record and equipment and looked at me with a frown.
“Your parents still have fiscal and judicial rights, don’t they?” she asked.
“Relating to on-moon decisions, yes,” I said. “But I’m classed as an adult for work purposes, and I can go off-surface if a ship contracts to take me.”
She nodded.
“OK Mina. Why are you really going?”
I didn’t try to lie. Instead I explained about the stones, and about the numbing disappointment of failing to use them to improve our lives. I told her how many I had taken and why, and showed her again my excellent nav and trading qualifications.
“I’ll come back here with money, and get them all out of here, or at least into a better place,” I finished.
“Running away to make your fortune, eh?” said the captain, but she didn’t sound mocking. Then she nodded and sighed to herself.
“Minimum wage for the first year, plus a tithe of your personal trade tallies. Welcome aboard. I’m Captain Talli Keller.”
I was trembling as I thanked her and stumbled aboard Ship F.O. 174 Harper.
I had pictured myself standing smartly in my new flight suit at the nav controls, and saluting. Instead I was provided with a set of ancient and tattered overalls.
“Wouldn’t want to get that nice new suit all dirty, would you?” teased Tapman, the engineer and only other crewmember. Again, he didn’t really sound mocking; rather he was testing me, so I gave a rueful smile and got changed.
About two hours of loading dirty boxes followed, and then I spent an hour cleaning the ship.
Captain Keller herself brought me a bucket of hot water, clean-gel and a towel afterwards.
“Still want to come?” she asked.
I smiled and nodded.
“Better get your flight suit back on then,” she said, smiled back, and gave me a contract.
Test passed, I guessed. It all felt very right.
As we lifted off I could just see through a porthole, first the port and the city and then the whole of Fellen’s Moon, pulling away from me and getting smaller and more insignificant.
I should have had a lump in my throat, right? I should have wept a tear each for my parents and the twins and Uncle Res. But frankly my main emotion was relief. I had been so afraid that something would prevent my escape, and I hadn’t realised how heavily my old life had hung on me, weighing me down, until it slipped from my shoulders as I flew away.
My first meal on board was two kinds of vegetable, a spicy nut-bread and some sort of fruit preserved in syrup. I savoured every flavoursome mouthful. Now I know that the food was ordinary ship’s rations and nothing special, but back then it seemed to fulfil the promise of my dreams. Mum, Dad, I thought to myself - I will bring all this back to you. You too will taste these tastes.
Seven years later I kept my word.
***
I spent all seven years on board the Harper with Captain Keller and Engineer Tapman - or Talli and Tap, as they were within a few days - and lots of that time was spent thanking the stars that I had been at the port when I had.
Our first trip was delivery of those dirty boxes to Nuovo Jupe, and it was simple enough. The rest of the time, except for meals, cleaning duties and maintenance, we talked.
Talli had inherited the ship from her sister Alix, who had died of an old heart problem that the medics couldn’t fix. Her death had left them a crewmember and a lot of heart short - Tap had been Alix’s lover - and a needy, naiive adolescent was an ideal project for them.
I didn’t know that at the time, of course. For all I knew, all new crew on all ships were treated with bluff affection, and encouraged to learn as much as possible. On board the Harper I studied for and passed my pilot and mainenance exams as well as getting my advanced trader’s licence, all at Talli’s expense. She claimed at the time - and at first I was young enough to believe her - that it was an investment; I would be a more valuable crew member with the qualifications. When I had them, she raised my pay accordingly.
Maybe I was a touch dumb, but it took me a while to realise that the touchstone of the Harper crew was it’s kindness. Even in trade Talli was fair and generous, which shocked me at first. To poor and struggling folk she gave better deals, and only ever took what she really needed.
Sometimes I’d sigh at the inefficiency. Harper was a ramshackle little ship run in a ramshackle little way, and part of me longed to be aboard one of the sleeker, faster ships. But then I remembered that those same ships had been too efficient to find a place for me. And Talli’s behavious rubbed off on me; I traded more kindly and honestly than I might have done under a different influence. I can’t claim credit for it, but I found that it made me happier to be kind rather than otherwise, though I never did make that fortune.
I’d just turned twenty when Talli called me to her quarters. We were on a lush garden planet with the sweetest, most invigorating air, and I was feeling energetic and joyful.
That all fell out of me in a nauseous lump when I saw Tap with his head in his hands and Talli looking at me with a sad little smile.
“What - what is it?” I asked.
“My heart,” said Talli simply. “Same as Alix. I don’t have long.”
“You could get a transplant,” I said, but she looked at me sharply.
“You know those hearts come from organ farms,” she said. “I’m not giving money to people who farm other people.”
“Of course not,” I mumbled. “Sorry. Sorry.”
“As I have friends here, I thought I’d stay here for the end,” she continued as if we were talking about holiday plans. “It’s a lovely place, so fresh and alive and I - oh sweethearts, it’s OK...”
And she held and comforted us both while we sobbed.
We stayed for the four brutal and tender months it took her to die, and buried her, and planted fruit and flowers for her. And
I raged against her choice of end, even though it was beautiful in some ways.
Talli had left us the ship jointly. I let Tap buy me out after we had argued over the amount - he wanted to give me more than my share, and I refused to take a jot over. In the end I managed to beat him down by getting him to take me to Fellen’s Moon. My share of the ship plus my slender savings were no fortune, but in a place as poor as home it would buy a good-sized living unit outright, plus about five years’ keep for the whole family. I would get Aled and Merlys the best schooling, and a chance at life.
I hadn’t heard from my folks since I’d left. They had no off-world coms and anyway I was continually on the move. But I figured that just as the solaz stones had made up for a night’s absence, so my nest egg would iron out any remaining frowns of disapproval.
I hugged Tap goodbye at the port.
“I’ll be on Gef for the next couple of weeks, then on to Elkar. I don’t know where I’ll be after that, but I’ll leave word for you at Elkar port. Any trouble here, you come find me and we’ll go anywhere you want, OK?” he said.
I nodded.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to wait for you now - just a couple of days?” he asked.
I shook my head. I was too near to tears to tell him to go, but he got the message.
“Good luck,” I muttered and ran to the city gates. I was as clumsy as I had been at thirteen, though taller and healthier.
There at the city sign-in was Beeler, the decent Company man.
“Beeler!” I said happily. It felt like an omen - he had been there when I brought back the solaz, and he was here now.
He frowned for a moment and checked my documents.
“Mina!” he said with a sad smile.
“How are you, Beeler?”
“I’m OK. No promotion, though.”
“You’re too good to be promoted. So how are my folks? And the twins?”
“ - I haven’t seen them,” faltered Beeler, and I felt cold as I heard the missed beat.
“What happened?”
Beeler sighed.
“Go find your Uncle Res. He’ll be in his tube now, and he can explain things better than I can.”
“Thanks,” I gasped, and ran again.
The living tubes were just big enough to hold a sleeper on a mat, with blanket, and there was a shared sink/drain for washing, drinking and voiding. Res had always lived in his tube, but spent much of his time in our two-roomer, with the people he loved. His knowledge had saved my life when I found the stones, yet I had never said goodbye to him.
He exited his tube as soon as I showed my ID, and buried me in a great bear hug.
“Mina, Mina,” he said gently, “So good to see you! You’ve grown! Look at you, a fine young woman! So where have you been? What have you been doing?”
“I’ll tell you everything, I promise. But how are Mum and Dad and the twins?”
His face fell and my stomach went cold.
“Let’s go somewhere we can talk properly,” he said and I nodded dumbly.
In the end we went outside to the wastes as it was a warm day, with only a few scavengers in sight. The City was so crowded and dirty, and Res insisted on waiting until we were somewhere quiet. Later it occurred to me that he was simply putting off the moment of explanation.
We sat on the rocks and watched the dust blow.
“So?” I asked at last.
He sighed. “Your father died, Mina. He was never right after the accident, as you know. Your mother carried on but the heart went out of her. She was injured at work when a cartload of ore fell on her, and she was left with a broken collarbone and a twisted leg that never healed properly. Her chest was going, too, with the dust. The Company gave her minimum payout on some excuse.
The family ended up in the Cast-Offs, Mina.”
“Oh...Aled? Merlys?”
“I don’t know where they are. I tried to keep track of them all. I know your Mum is alive - I saw her in a bar a month ago, though she ran away screaming when she saw me. She can’t bear anything that reminds her of the old days. The kids weren’t with her and I haven’t been able to find out where they are. The family changed location so often.”
There was a moment’s pause. I wiped my cheeks and blew my nose.
“I left them five k-weights of solaz stones,” I bleated, pleading for forgiveness through a fog of guilt.
“Oh stars, Mina, it wasn’t your fault!” Res seemed genuinely shocked. “You mustn’t think that! They were proud of you, and so grateful for the haul. It helped them to keep going as long as they did.”
“But if I’d been here then I could have helped them,” I said.
“Maybe - or maybe you’d have sunk with them. Look, what is survival really worth here, under these conditions? You got out and succeeded at life, and your children will have a decent time because of it. Your parents would still be proud. You know, more than once your Mum said to me that she was glad you were out of it. It gave her comfort to think of you out there, exploring, happy, free.”
I shook my head. I didn’t know how to feel.
Res tried to persuade me to get on the next flight out, but instead I rented a small unit for a few months and went hunting for my family.
Much good it did me, or them. A barman told me that the twins had died of the Dust Disease, or the cold, three winters ago; it was hard to tell which, but there had been alot of coughing. My mother had broken down, and then become an addict. She was a prostitute now, though customers were few.
When I finally tracked her down, she refused to acknowledge me.
“You ain’t Mina,” snapped this coarse stranger lying in a filthy basement. “She’s thirteen.”
I showed her ID, told her things only I would know, and begged her to ask Res. She didn’t believe me even when I gave her money, though that made her frown at me in confusion. I don’t think many people gave her money without wanting something from her.
She spent it on a drug binge that killed her. I didn’t know how to feel - more guilt, in part, but there was also a sense of relief. You’d understand if you’d seen her. I didn’t want her to live like that, and I don’t think she did either.
I went through the motions of life, dealing with documentation and paying the death fines.
I left shortly afterwards. I explained to Res that I’d go on the next ship that would take me, which most would given my qualifications and experience.
“Come with me,” I said, but he shook his head, and wouldn’t discuss it.
He said that Fellen’s Moon was his home and that he would stay and try to make things better here. He didn’t mean make more money, and I didn’t really understand what he talked about. He said that he and some friends were working for real change - trying to change what the Company was and how it worked. It sounded like a drunken fantasy to me, and why would the Company listen to a grubby old lowlife like him?
I bought Res a unit and a tiny but sufficient income. He wept with a gratitude that I didn’t think I deserved, and it made me uncomfortable. I just wanted to get the hell off the whole miserable moon.
I’d spent almost all my money. In the end I left Fellen’s Moon for the second time with little more than I’d had the first time, seven years earlier, unless you count experience.
This time I was taken on as second engineer on a large ore freighter, and I learned how unusual Talli and her ship had been. The freighter was more conventional - everyone in his or her allotted place, doing designated tasks for maximum efficiency. In many ways I liked it.
And I’ve left behind most of that ridiculous guilt and sentimentality that I had when I was young. Res was right - none of what happened on Fellen’s Moon was my fault. My parents were dumb to put up with the way the Company treated them, and a long life was no improvement on a short life there. They should have followed m
y example and left.
I found a man I liked when I was twenty four, and we contracted to each other and had a child. He’s a fine boy, strong and healthy, and we’ve sent him to the best school we can afford.
I know I’ve hardened. But I’ve also survived. Being sweet to other people didn’t get me those solaz stones - strength, intelligence and luck all played their parts. My son will be brought up to be strong and clever. Of course I hope he’ll be a good person too, but nothing is as important as his survival.
You want me to say that I miss him while he’s away, or that my relationship lacks warmth, or that I miss my family? Maybe I should, but I don’t, and I have no regrets. If I had stayed with my family then maybe their miserable lives could have been slightly extended - and mine deprived or destroyed. There is nothing wrong with seeking personal happiness, as long as you understand that there will be a price to pay. You don’t get to be a hero, like Talli was to me when I was a kid, and be happy and successful too.
Right now I am happy and feel no guilt. I’ve worked hard for what I have, earned it all and done no wrong. I’m in our unit - two large rooms and our own bathroom! - on the ship. I’ve just drunk a warm, foamy cup of chettel - our allowance is three cups per week, raised from two last year, which is great. My man will be back from his shift in an hour, and we’ll eat real set-meat with vegetables, and fresh gorda-fruit bars with added zelba, all the way from Gef.
I am so glad to be away from Fellen’s Moon. I heard that there has been trouble there, terrorism, and fights breaking out. The Company will sort it out I’m sure, though they’re taking their time.
We’ll have two whole hours of leisure time tonight before lights out. Tomorrow my shift is only ten hours, and within six years I can expect promotion and an even better lifestyle. What more could I want? Yes, my life is rich in every way now, and I am happy. You can’t put a price on that.
SMILERS
Perfect Flaw Page 2