by Hannah Ford
“A lot of it was emotional. Most of it,” he said. “She got in moods. Sometimes good moods, but very often it was bad moods. And they could last weeks, even months. When she was in one of her bad times, every day she would tell me that I was ungrateful, stupid, ugly, a monster who was ruining her life.”
Nicole put a hand over her mouth. “No, Red.”
He shrugged. “It was pretty bad. It would be horrible for months on end and then she’d sort of snap out of it. I would be relieved to have some peace for as long as the good times lasted, but I never knew what would set her off. One day, out of nowhere, it would happen. She’d get angry again, something would rub her the wrong way, and I was back to dealing with the insults and the yelling for weeks and months, until she cycled out of it.”
“What about your brother?” Nicole asked.
Red smiled sadly. “Jeb’s a nice guy. If you met him you’d think he’s a really upstanding guy, a family care practitioner, very smart and logical and polite. But he’s deeply broken, I’m afraid. Never married, barely ever even had a relationship. The one serious girlfriend he had when he was in his early twenties—my mother ordered him to break it off. Jeb said he was going to marry this girl, but eventually he caved to my mom’s demands. They’re very close, Jeb and mom.”
Nicole was watching him closely as he relayed this information. If you didn’t know him, you might think he was just talking about his family in a sort of casual way, like people do sometimes.
But it wasn’t the case.
Something in Red’s demeanor told her that he was deeply troubled by it all—and that telling her these things was incredibly difficult for him, yet he was doing it anyway. Doing it for her.
She knew to tread carefully here. She was no therapist, but Nicole sensed that saying the wrong thing could send him spiraling into a dark place. “That night we were together in your home, did I remind you of her?”
“Of my mother?”
Nicole nodded mutely.
For a moment he just stared at her, as if in total shock. And then he burst into laughter. “No,” he said, still laughing. “No, you are very different. Thank god.”
One or two of the regulars at the bar had turned to see what all the commotion was. They slowly turned back to the TV set and their conversations.
“Well, I don’t understand why you reacted that way to me,” Nicole told him.
He threw up his hands. “I’m trying to explain the best I can. I don’t totally understand it. If I did, I wouldn’t act that way.”
“But you think it’s because of your childhood?”
“My mother was unpredictable and cruel. But the worst part didn’t start until I got into my teen years. Puberty. It’s a tough time for any kid, but she made it into something hellish.” Red’s face grew dark and his expression contorted, as he seemed to fall into the memories of his past. “I remember one day, she found some old tissues in my waste basket in my room. You know, I’d started masturbating like any teenager. Looking at magazines, fantasizing about girls in my class. And my mom found those tissues one day and came into the kitchen where I was eating. She dumped the wastebasket on me from behind.”
“Oh my god,” Nicole uttered.
Red’s hands curled into fists. “She started telling me I was disgusting and perverted. She said I should be locked up for doing that in the apartment with her right in the next room.”
“That’s so wrong. So, so wrong. And humiliating.”
“You could say that. And it got worse when I finally started to date girls. I tried to hide it from her, but she had a nose for things like that. She’d sniff out when I was doing certain things. And sometimes, if she was in one of her moods, she’d follow me around the apartment, telling me all the perverted stuff I was doing to those ‘sluts,’ as she called them.”
“That’s sick.”
“Of course, I wasn’t actually doing the things she accused me of. I was kissing girls, holding hands, maybe a copping a feel here and there. But she put other ideas in my head,” he growled.
Nicole gulped, hardly able to keep the shock and horror from her face. She hadn’t expected this outpouring from him, hadn’t even imagined that he was hiding this kind of history beneath his polished, brash exterior. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “What your mother did to you was wrong.”
“Thanks for saying that,” he said in a clipped voice. Then he downed the rest of his beer. His eyes were watery, but he seemed calmer now, less of a live wire.
“Is that why you…do what you do? With women?”
He pushed the empty beer glass away from himself. “I’m sure it’s not a coincidence. But it is what it is. I stopped trying to fight my peculiar urges a long time ago.”
Nicole didn’t know what she thought or felt about Red’s confession. She was sympathetic to what he’d gone through, but part of her was also wondering what kind of husband Red could make, given his traumatic upbringing.
“I did live with a woman before, and it was pretty awful,” he said. “I was a cold, dismissive person to her. And I suppose you saw a glimpse of that when you came back with me to the house. I didn’t think I’d do that with you,” he said, shaking his head in confusion. “I thought things would be different.”
“Maybe I’m not who you need me to be,” Nicole said.
“No,” he said, leaning forward and reaching across the table to put his hand on hers. “You’re exactly who I need you to be. I just didn’t have the courage to tell you what I’ve been living with. I’m ashamed of my needs—ashamed of the way I treat you. After we were together at my house that night, I became disgusted with myself. I sat in the study and all I heard was her voice, telling me how perverted and vile and sick I am.”
Nicole put both of her hands on his and massaged him comfortingly. He really was just a wounded boy at heart, and he was allowing her to see it. He was making himself completely vulnerable to her---she imagined it must be terrifying to someone who’d gone through that kind of betrayal from the most important woman in his life.
“You’re not sick or vile or perverted,” she said softly.
He looked up at her. “Tell me the truth. I disgust you.”
She laughed and shook her head. “I like what we do together, Red. I just want you to love me afterwards. And during, I want to know that you love me underneath it all.”
“Of course I love you, more than anything in this world,” he told her.
“How do I know that you won’t send me away again?” she asked.
“Never,” he said, turning his gaze fully to her and holding it. “I made the biggest mistake of my life when I treated you badly.”
“I don’t want you getting angry and smashing things, throwing things,” she said. “I can’t be around that. It makes me nervous.”
He agreed. “I won’t ever make you feel unsafe again.” Red started stroking her wrist softly and it felt so good, so incredible to feel his touch again after so long. “Give me another chance, Nicole, and I promise I won’t let you down.”
She looked at him and slowly smiled. “If I agree, will you let me drive your car?”
Red laughed. “If you give me another chance, I’ll let you run my company if you want.”
“Just the car,” Nicole said. “That would make me happy. That, and spending the night with you tonight.”
“I think we can arrange that,” he told her.
***
That night was magical. They went back to Red’s house in Connecticut, and he let her drive all the way home. The car handled like a dream, although she had to get used to the gas pedal being so responsive. A mere ounce of pressure from her foot and the car would jump forward. Red seemed to enjoy watching her struggle to control the beast, as he referred to it.
It made the drive fun and different. Red acted as though a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He was joking with her and being relaxed and lighthearted.
When they got home, he carried her across the threshol
d of the entrance to the main hall, both of them giggling like school kids. And then it was straight up to the master bedroom, where she laid on the bed as he stared deeply into her eyes.
They looked at one another for a long time, smiling. “I could just look into your eyes all night,” he said, brushing her hair from her forehead. “I thought I’d lost you forever, but you’re here with me. It’s like a dream.”
“I’m so glad you came and found me tonight,” she said.
“I’ll always come for you,” he told her. “Always.”
“And don’t ever let me take another Yoga class,” she laughed.
“Never. You’ll get private lessons from now on.”
“Tell me you’ll never let me go,” she whispered.
“I’ll never let you go.”
“Promise me.”
“I promise, I swear to every god in the universe.” He kissed her lips gently, and she opened her mouth for him. Nicole put her hands on his chest and rubbed down to his stomach, felt his whole body shudder as she touched him.
“I want you to make love to me,” she whispered.
He began to slowly undress her, and she undressed him. Pulled his shirt up over his head and ran her hands along his washboard abs.
“Nicole…” he moaned.
Both of them had their shirts off now. Nicole had just a bra on, and Red slid his hands beneath it and caressed her nipples, pressed the bra upwards until it snapped off her entirely, exposing her bare breasts. She laughed. “What’s that, a trick you learned from all those years of womanizing?”
“First time that ever happened, I swear,” he said, holding up his hand.
“I don’t know if I believe you. But I don’t really care. Kiss me.”
And he did kiss her, more passionately than ever. They savored each other, taking their time, nothing was rushed. And for the very first time ever, Nicole sensed that he would allow her to take a little control if she wanted. He was allowing her to touch him without asking permission, even if she wanted to touch his bare skin.
This new twist somehow made contact between them all the more intimate.
Red kissed her lips and then he kissed her forehead. Then he kissed her cheeks, and her eyelids when she closed her eyes. “Don’t ever stop kissing me,” she told him.
So he put his lips to every inch of her burning hot skin. Her arms, her shoulders, her neck. He spent time kissing and nibbling her ears, whispering his love for her. “I’d do anything for you, Nicole. Just tell me.”
She murmured for him to keep doing what he was doing.
He licked her nipples, first stimulating one and then the other, until they stood erect. He ran his fingers across her nipples and she moaned, crying out. Red leaned in again and flicked her nipple with his tongue, and then he began sucking and sucking.
“Oh god,” she cried. “Don’t stop, it feels so good. Please don’t stop.”
He sucked and licked, and the feeling was incredible. Her slick lower region moistened as he continued to pleasure her. Soon he was going down on her, and every sensation she had, as his lips and tongue explored her entrance, was like blossoming fireworks—each new explosion set off a chain of other explosions.
With her eyes closed, she could see the explosions in her mind’s eye, blooming in all different colors and shapes. “Oh, god, Red!” she cried out, as his fingers began stimulating her clitoris at the same time that his tongue slid inside her.
The explosions were reaching a crescendo now, and she was screaming in total abandon. Her entire body contracted as if in pain, but it wasn’t painful at all—it was just so intense and every nerve ending was sensitive to the point of being too much to take.
She had the most intense, profound, liberating orgasm.
After she’d finished, she lay breathing rapidly, her heart racing. One of her hands fluttered weakly up to her face. “Oh. Oh my. I can’t—I can’t even speak right now.”
Red slid up next to her, pressing his warm body against hers. His lips were against her cheek and then her ear. “Watching you get pleasure from what I do is the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced,” he told her. “I’ll never grow tired of making you happy, Nicole.”
“What about you?” she said.
“What about me?”
She turned to him, regaining some of her wits. “I want to give you pleasure.”
“It’s okay,” he said, kissing her forehead lightly and stroking her hair. “It’s not about me tonight.”
“It is for me,” she told him. And then she kissed his bare chest, licking his salty skin, tasting his nipples. His body was rock hard, partly from excitement, but she also knew this was difficult for him. He was giving up some of his legendary control to her.
She would make sure he didn’t regret it.
Nicole kissed his belly, licking down to where the tip of his erect penis could be felt through his pants. She quickly unbuckled them, as Red moaned with anticipation. She slid his boxers down at the same time as his pants, and then she softly kissed the tip of his beautiful cock.
His body tensed even more, but she could tell it was from enjoyment.
“I think I might explode in a second,” he whispered hoarsely. “I can’t control myself.”
“You don’t need to,” she said, grinning as she took him into her mouth, at first delicately. But then she aggressively slid down his shaft and took him further and further, and he thrust his hips into her.
“I can’t hold out, it feels too fucking good,” his hissed through his teeth.
She started to stroke the base of his penis while she bobbed up and down on the head and upper part of his manhood. She’d never felt anything so hard in her life; he was like steel.
And then he was exploding, crying out as he came.
She took it all in, swallowing it just as she had last week. Only this time, she was choosing to do so, she’d taken control of it into her own hands. Nicole enjoyed his climax at least as much as he did, and she had a tiny ripple of an orgasm herself as he finished in her warm, wet mouth.
***
Later that night, after both of them had showered and changed, Red ordered Chinese food and it was delivered to their door. “Best in all of Connecticut,” he told her, carrying the plastic bags full of takeout into the dining room.
It was a little strange eating in such a fancy room, especially knowing that just a few days ago it had been the scene of Red’s outburst. There was no sign of any of the wreckage though—the room was immaculate as it had been the first day she’d seen it.
He opened the little boxes and doled out food onto beautiful plates for the two of them. Then they sat next to one another at the large wooden table and ate, talking and laughing as they did so.
“Why does Glen blink so much?” she asked him.
He stared at her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, and then started blinking rapidly.
Nicole put a hand over her mouth to cover her laughter—she nearly spit out her food.
“Do you think Remi might be bisexual?” she asked.
“Don’t be ridiculous. That woman’s never touched a man in her life.”
She giggled again. “Red!”
“I’m serious,” he said. “Why do you think she likes keeping you around the office late at night?”
“Shut up.”
He smiled. “I shouldn’t talk out of school. I mean, she hasn’t mentioned anything to you about it.”
“No, but I just get that feeling.”
He grabbed a pork sparerib with his hand and took an enormous bite. “Nicole, are you trying to tell me you have Gadar?”
She smiled at him. “It’s nice seeing you this way.” She put her feet up on his lap as she twirled some lo mein on her fork.
“What way?”
“Relaxed. Funny. Being yourself.”
He smiled back at her. “You bring out the best in me, Nicole.”
“Not always.”
“Always.” H
e suddenly put his plate on the table. “Hold on a sec.” He swung her feet gently off his lap and then walked out of the room.
“Where are you going?”
“Be right back!” he called out, and she heard his footsteps retreating down the hall.
She kept eating the food. She was ravenous—Red was right in saying it was the best Chinese food in Connecticut. She couldn’t imagine anything tasting better than this.
A couple of minutes later he returned, a strange glint in his eye.
“What are you up to?” she said, sitting up straighter in her chair, suspicious now.
“I’m fixing a big mistake I made,” he told her.
“What? What are you talking about?” she asked, as he walked directly towards her.
And then he was dropping to a knee right in front of her, and revealing the engagement ring in his palm. “Please forgive me, and make me the luckiest, happiest man in the world. Nicole, will you still marry me?”
It was the second proposal, and she knew what every person in her life would think about it. But she still didn’t care, because deep down she knew it was the right thing. She smiled with tears in her eyes. “Yes, of course I will.”
He put the ring on her finger and then they hugged and kissed.
Things really were different now, she thought, surprised at the change in him.
He got to his feet and sat next to her again, and the two of them finished eating their food.
When she was stuffed to where she was going to burst, Nicole patted her stomach. Somehow, patting her tummy had made her think of pregnancy and motherhood.
And that made her think of Red’s mom, and the horrible way she’d treated him growing up.
“I was wondering,” she said carefully, not wanting to upset him after such an amazing night together.
“Yes?” he asked, dabbing at the corners of his mouth with a napkin.
“You still have contact with your mother?”
For a split second she saw his guard come up—like an iron gate suddenly slamming closed. His eyes grew instantly cold and distant, his jaw set. But then it was as if he sensed what was happening and deliberately forced himself to let it go.