by Kit Frick
“Ellory.”
I guided him into the family room, into the early spring sunshine that stretched across the floor like a big, bright tongue. This was it. The moment of truth. I hooked my thumbs into the front pockets of my shorts and lifted my chin.
APRIL, JUNIOR YEAR
(THURSDAY AFTER BREAK)
I tore up Ret’s note without reading it, and I kept my phone powered down, and I pretended not to hear when she called after me in the hall. I didn’t want to talk, and I sure as shit didn’t want to listen to anything she had to say.
There was nothing to say.
I could feel Bex’s eyes linger on me in class, but she still sat with Jenni and Ret in the sky dome and she still took shelter behind the sacred walls of Jenni’s house after school, so fine. Her priorities were clear.
The three of them were dead to me.
Each day after school, after the shop, I retreated into my room. I hadn’t gone out all week, or last week, for that matter, but by Thursday I desperately needed to leave my bedroom. I couldn’t be here trapped in this cage of hurt and anger and complete and total treason for one more second. By ten, I was going to fucking explode if I didn’t do something, so I ransacked my room and packed everything I could find of Ret’s inside a cardboard box. Records and photos and bottles of nail polish and a mod dress from Hot Topic that I used to really like. Nothing was spared. Anything that Ret had ever given me went in that box. I lingered a moment over her Nirvana T-shirt, but then I shoved it inside. Fuck it. Finally, I grabbed a bottle of hairspray and a box of matches and waited for my parents to go to bed.
APRIL, JUNIOR YEAR
(SPRING BREAK, WEDNESDAY)
I couldn’t drag Matthias into the future. That much was abundantly clear. Instead, I was going to take us back. It was a little silly, but if he’d come with me, let me take us back in time, it would be something. A first step toward a new start for us.
“You have to close your eyes.”
When his eyes were shut tight, I reached out and took his hands in mine.
“I want you to think back to Christmas Eve. Okay?”
He nodded.
“You were wearing jeans and a sweater. I had on that gauzy green shirt. Remember? I gave you gloves, and you gave me this ring.” I moved his hand over to the metal band, guiding his fingertips across the three interlocked stars.
The corners of his mouth twitched up into a smile.
“After that night, everything changed. I don’t even know what happened, but what if we could just erase everything since January?”
I kicked off my sandals and dropped his hands from mine. Then I grabbed the remote and switched on the DVD player, where It’s a Wonderful Life was queued up.
“You can open your eyes now.”
I crossed my arms in an X and grabbed the hem of my shirt. Before I could overthink it, before he could say anything, I lifted it over my head. I was wearing the same underwear set I’d had on that night, violet and lace. Matthias looked at me, unblinking. I unbuttoned the top button on my shorts and pulled the zipper down. With a little shove, they fell around my ankles.
APRIL, JUNIOR YEAR
(THURSDAY AFTER BREAK)
Once I had a plan, I felt better. I waited until it was pitch black outside and the light went off in my parents’ room, around eleven thirty, and I crept down the hall and pulled my boots over my pajama bottoms. I started up the Subaru and held my breath until I was sure Mom and Dad didn’t hear the car, and then I eased it slowly down the driveway. As soon as I was in the street, I switched on the lights and put my foot on the gas pedal before I could change my mind.
When I got to Ret’s, most of the house lights were out. She had the blackout curtain pulled across her bedroom window, but I could see thin blades of light shooting out from around the edges. I parked the Subaru a couple of houses down from the Johnstons’ and grabbed the box and my supplies from the trunk.
It wasn’t that spectacular of a fire. The smoke was thick and choking, but the flames were totally contained by the soaking grass, and I could tell right away that it wasn’t even going to burn through to the bottom of the box. It didn’t matter, though. It was symbolic.
For the record, if I had really wanted to burn down their house, I would have soaked the box with gasoline, not spritzed a little hairspray across the top. And I would have put it on the porch, right in front of the door, not on the front lawn, well away from the house and trees. And I probably would have waited until summer, when the grass was dry and brittle, not picked a night after four days of rain, when the ground was soaked through.
I also would not have run back to my car and honked the horn to warn her after watching every lingering scrap of Ret and me leap into flames on her front lawn.
After I’d slid into the driver’s seat and tapped the horn three times, I craned my neck around to watch Ret pull aside the curtain, her face a dark shadow in the window, then gone. Then seconds later, she was on the front lawn, dragging the hose across the grass, barefoot in a black T-shirt and flannel pj pants covered with little glow-in-the-dark skulls. She was coughing and tripping over the hose. By the time she got there, only about half the box was still lit, but whatever. I’d made my point. I started the engine and peeled off down the street, relishing the squeal of the tires, not waiting to see Ret’s head jerk up to watch the Subaru speed away.
APRIL, JUNIOR YEAR
(SPRING BREAK, WEDNESDAY)
I felt very beautiful and very alive standing in front of Matthias in just my bra and underwear. On the TV, it was Christmas Eve in Bedford Falls, and an angel was watching over George Bailey. I could feel the echo of that other night all around me. It was working. I thought about the bad stuff. The drinking and the shitty parents and the secrets he refused to share with me. Even now, even after all this time.
I didn’t care anymore. Maybe it was weak of me. But I was done waiting for something to change or break or fall apart. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before.
His eyes flickered toward the TV, the soft glow of black and white.
“There’s peppermint schnapps in the kitchen,” I said, motioning toward the door with my chin.
“No, thanks.” Matthias encircled my wrists in both his hands, keeping me close. The black band dug into my skin beneath his fingers. He wasn’t smiling.
“No shots?” I asked.
He was silent for a moment.
“No, to all of this,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
APRIL, JUNIOR YEAR
(FRIDAY AFTER BREAK)
When I pulled into the student lot on Friday, I felt almost good for the first time in days. Some kind of cautious peace settled around my body as I pushed through the main doors and walked down the hall to homeroom. I could still see the surprise on Ret’s face, her frantic stumble for the garden hose, the licking flames. My lips stretched into a thin smile. For the first hour and a half of my day, I felt like I could make it through the rest of junior year.
I didn’t usually have to see anyone until lunch, but today everyone was in the hallway after second period, waiting to pounce as soon as I got out of math. Ret and Jenni and Bex. Everyone except Matthias, who’d been avoiding me all week. For the first time in months, he and I were on exactly the same page.
“What the actual fuck, Ellory?” Ret said as I stepped out into the hall, her small body suddenly huge in front of me, a wall of spite and anger. She was wearing those ridiculous snakeskin heels from Hot Topic, the ones she could barely walk in. Teetering, she managed to back me against the wall, and Jenni was right there next to her, almost as tall as I was in big platform boots, her eyes flashing with more passion than I’d ever seen Jenni give anything before.
“You could have burned down my house. What the hell were you thinking?” Ret’s voice was thick with anger or something even stronger.
“What are you, some kind of arsonist now?” Jenni asked. “You’re lucky Ret didn’t call the cops.”
“Back off,” I
spat at Jenni. “This isn’t your fight.”
“The hell it’s not,” she growled, stepping closer to me, her nose almost touching my nose. I stepped back and hit the wall. “At least Ret’s been trying.”
“What?” My question was directed at Ret.
“I left you a note.” The anger had drained out of her voice, and she was almost pleading. “And about ten voice mails. I waited for an hour on Wednesday.”
“Yeah, I didn’t read that. And in case you haven’t noticed, my phone’s been off.”
“I told Veronica it was some losers from school. I didn’t rat you out, okay? But you have to talk to me.”
Of course Ret hadn’t told her mom. Then she would have had to tell her what she had done to make me so mad that I would set a box on fire in their front yard. No one was telling parents or calling the cops.
“I’m supposed to thank you now? Is this some sick kind of joke?” I was almost screaming. I stepped forward, my shoulder digging into Jenni’s arm, shoving her out of the way.
“Everyone, please stop!” Bex pleaded. I had almost forgotten that she was there, she’d been such a pathetic wallflower standing lamely to the side, her hands shoved in her pockets. It was the most she’d said all week. Too little, too late, Bex.
She reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. It was a mom gesture, calming, diffusing. It didn’t work. I flinched away like her fingers were burning. In reality, I was the one on fire.
APRIL, JUNIOR YEAR
(SPRING BREAK, WEDNESDAY)
For a moment, everything was completely silent. Matthias was still holding my wrists, resting my hands lightly against his chest. “There are some things I need to tell you,” he said. He let go, and my hands fell limply down at my sides.
I didn’t say anything. I walked over to the couch and sat down, my back stretching into a long arc, my elbows resting against my knees. Suddenly I felt very, conspicuously naked.
“There’s stuff I should have told you a long time ago. I just wasn’t ready.” He sat down next to me, his leg not quite touching mine.
I nodded. Was this it? I had been ready forever.
“I don’t even know where to start.” He paused for a moment. I bit the inside of my cheek and waited.
“Remember the stuff I told you about my dad?”
I nodded again. Of course I remembered.
“My dad’s an asshole. He’s an addict. He buys more than he can afford. Like, all the time. If Dave was a decent human being, he would cut Ricky off. But Dave’s a greedy motherfucker, and Ricky just keeps running up a tab.”
I swallowed. I wasn’t sure what to say.
“Remember Frank? Bouncer at the Crow, lots of tattoos?”
“Sure.”
“Frank and this guy Rob over at Sally’s Pub, I sell to them. For Dave.”
I looked at Matthias blankly. I was cold, and I wanted to get up and get the blanket from the end of the couch, but I didn’t want him to stop talking.
“It’s how I pay off Ricky’s tab. He always owes. Always. And there’s good business in the clubs. Dave doesn’t know the guys downtown, not like I do. So it works out perfect for him. I do the work, he takes a cut. Ricky buys more coke. World without end.”
All those shows. All those nights when he wouldn’t take me along. “You said it was for Cordelia. The errands downtown.”
“Who do you think pays for her phone, and her clothes, and gymnastics and dance class? It’s sure as shit not Mom and Dad, and the restaurant’s not enough. Don’t you get it, Ellory? Everything’s for her.”
“You could have told me.”
“Sure. Oh, by the way, just thought you should know, I deal coke for Dave. Your boyfriend is the youngest, hottest drug dealer on the East Shore. And that’s not going to change any time soon. Not until Cordelia turns eighteen or Ricky gets locked up. So let’s go to the movies on Sunday. Let’s plan our future. Let’s plan our fucking cross-country adventure to Portland, for Christ sakes.”
“Give me a little credit!” I shouted. “I didn’t know things were so bad because you never told me!”
APRIL, JUNIOR YEAR
(FRIDAY AFTER BREAK)
I dodged Bex and shouldered Jenni out of the way. I was completely and utterly consumed by white hot anger, and as pissed as I was at them for being such goddamn lemmings, this anger was all reserved for Ret. How dare she try to use this little drama to bury the fact that she completely and utterly betrayed me? So I burned some shit in her yard. Big freaking deal.
“You need to grow up and take some responsibility for your actions,” I spat out, stepping toward Ret, making sure that she was the one stepping back this time. She wobbled in her heels, but kept her balance.
“Don’t be mad at me,” she wheedled. Her breath was sugar sweet. Whiskey sweet.
“Are you drinking?”
Ret grabbed protectively at the straps on her bag. I knew without looking that the flask was inside.
“That’s none of your business,” she breathed.
“Great,” I spat. “Real classy, Ret. Did he give it to you, or did you pick it out yourself?”
“Ellory, please. Just let me explain. This is all a big misunderstanding.” Her words were watery, wavering.
“Unbelievable. I have never met someone so freaking selfish. And joke’s on me, because I thought we were really friends. But you only know how to care about yourself.”
Ret’s face went from pale to white. Jenni gasped, and I whipped around, glaring.
“I shouldn’t have to defend myself here.” The words were coming out of my mouth in a rush of hot steam. I looked from Jenni to Bex. “You’re both freaking cowards.”
Ret wobbled again in her heels. It was ten fifteen. How much had she had to drink? Whatever. Let her play her little game of Sid and Nancy. Let them all go up in flames.
The second bell rang, and we were late to class. Mr. Ren poked his head out of the math room to throw us some serious teacher shade for loitering before closing his door. I broke away and headed for the stairwell before I completely lost my shit in the middle of the hall. I was so done there.
APRIL, JUNIOR YEAR
(SPRING BREAK, WEDNESDAY)
I was freezing. The afternoon had taken a sharp, careening turn, and I felt like the world’s biggest fool sitting there in my underwear. I wanted to get dressed, but I didn’t want Matthias to watch me putting my clothes back on. Giving up. Instead I reached for the blanket and wrapped it around myself, tight.
“There’s more,” he said.
“Lay it on me. Really, go wild.”
He grimaced. “I really don’t know how to say this, and I don’t think . . . Ellory, I’m so sorry.”
My head snapped up, my eyes locking into the slouched frame of my boyfriend next to me on the couch, his usually perfect posture folded in.
“I should have ended things in January. I should have just let you go.”
“What do you mean?” I couldn’t keep the shake out of my voice. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“I’ve been hanging out with Ret a lot, ever since Cordelia and I saw her at the mall over winter break. We drink, shoot the shit, vent about our messed-up families.”
“I know,” I said softly. He was dodging my question. I clung to it like a tiny scrap of hope. “I saw you that day in the woods, remember?” And those other times you don’t know about. “I know about Ret and Dave.”
He looked confused. “What does this have to do with Dave?”
I raised my eyebrows at him. “It’s not exactly a secret anymore,” I said. “They’ve been hooking up for weeks.”
He sank his face into his open palms. I could hear his heart beating. Or maybe it was my heart. The blood started to rush to my head, pounding against my skull like waves. I knew what he was going to say before he said it. She had lied to me. She had lied through her teeth. And I’d let her get away with it. Before he even opened his mouth, his voice was ringing in my ears, growing louder with e
very pulse, with every beat of blood.
“Not Dave. Ret’s been hooking up with me.”
APRIL, JUNIOR YEAR
(FRIDAY AFTER BREAK)
Ret pushed in front of me, weaving, sloppy. It was embarrassing. She reached for the stairwell door, which smacked against my hand.
“Watch it.” My words were shards of glass. I hoped they would slice her into a million pieces.
“Sorry.” She raised her hands in front of her chest. “I didn’t mean to hit you. But you have to listen to me.”
“No, I don’t,” I said through gritted teeth, pushing through the door and into the salmon pink stairwell. Ret followed behind me, Jenni and Bex right on her tail. I started for the stairs. This conversation was over before it started.
I was on the top stair when Ret grabbed my wrist, her fingers closing in a tight circle. Our band burned into my skin like dry ice, a reminder of who we were supposed to be—best friends, Ellory & Ret.
“Let go.” I stepped down as far as her grasp would allow. I twisted halfway around to face her and gave my arm a shake, but she held on tight. She stood three stairs up, wobbling in those heels, swaying back and forth, her eyes two deep, lapis wells of confusion and hurt.
“I said let go.” My voice was a warning bell; it rang out clear and sharp. Heat coursed through every inch of my body, threatening to erupt into white, hot flame. And when that happened, it was probably best for Ret and everyone there if they weren’t within a good five-foot radius.
“He was all wrong for you, Ellory. He was making you miserable, and you were never going to end it. I was helping you. We were supposed to be single together, remember? That was the plan.”
Did she even hear herself? “Maybe that was your plan.”
“Ellory, come on,” Ret whined. She tugged on my arm, her fingers digging the band further into my wrist. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I didn’t mean to get drunk at that party, for everyone to see us.”
“So you didn’t mean to get caught.”
Ret’s mouth twisted down. “I thought we’d hook up a couple times, he’d feel guilty, and he’d finally break it off with you. I was doing it for you, Ellory May. You were letting him drag you down, and he was being such a wimp. I just wanted the old Ellory back. My Ellory.”