“We’re not trying to do anything,” I argued, though I doubted I could convince either of us of that lie. I was so in over my head at this point, there likely wasn’t a thing in the world that could save me. Juliet consumed my thoughts. She’d become a part of me over the past two months. “I mean, we’re trying not to.” I trailed off, unsure of what to say. “Maybe I should just go back to NYU.” My eyes fell down to my lap.
Miranda gripped my hand in her own, squeezing. When I focused on her again, she continued her thought. “Emma Harvey, you’ll do no such thing. That’s not how you handle problems. You don’t run away from them.”
“Juliet isn’t a problem,” I argued. There I’d gone again, calling her by her first name. If that hadn’t made it painfully honest how I felt about her, I didn’t know what would. “I mean, she isn’t. I know our relationship is. It’s complicated, Miranda.”
“Emma, you have to think about her for a minute. It’s clear how much you two care about each other, but Juliet’s life revolves around her music. I don’t know if you’ve ever met Frederick Hamilton, her father, but he’s a ruthless man. A spiteful man. I never liked him. He’d do everything in his power to take Juliet down if she caused a scandal that could affect the conservatory. He wouldn’t hesitate. He’d come after you too.”
My face fell into my hands. I took deep breaths, fighting off the urge to cry. There were a million thoughts racing through my mind. Mostly selfish thoughts. I wondered if Juliet even remembered that moment at the wedding. It was clear she hadn’t, by the way she’d reacted.
“Buckle your seatbelt,” Miranda said when we’d looked at each other again. “You’re staying at our house tonight.” I didn’t argue. In all honesty, I didn’t want to be alone.
I WASN’T SURE HOW I managed to walk inside the classroom Monday morning but I did. Juliet was already at the front of the room, looking over her notes. Most of the students were there. I’d done my best to arrive just a minute or two early to avoid any interaction with her. Before I settled in my seat, I grabbed the markers for the whiteboard, prepared to get up and take notes. Jenny gave me a smile, and I did my best to return it. My leg was shaking when I’d sat down.
Juliet didn’t look at me when she began. Once she started to speak, Jenny and I moved to the whiteboard. She’d gone into a composition lecture, explaining some techniques for using counterpoint. I scribbled notes as Jenny signed what she’d been saying. My stomach was in fits the entire time.
After the class had ended, I tried my best to escape. It failed. I caught Juliet signing out of the corner of my eye. I need you to stay a moment. Every part of me was filled with dread. Jenny had left. The students trickled out until it was just the two of us alone. There was no way I could handle this. It was all I could do to maintain eye contact with her.
I watched as Juliet shifted a pile of papers towards me. I need these graded today if you have the time. A wave of relief rushed through me. Assignments. She wanted me to grade assignments. I nodded, reaching for the stacks of paper. Before I’d gotten to them, Juliet held up a hand. I’m sorry if I upset you. I could tell by the way she was looking at me she was concerned. I wished she would stop looking at me that way.
It’s fine. I signed back, attempting to reach for the papers again.
Juliet stopped me once more. “Emma, I care about you.” I could tell by the way her lips moved and her body leaned towards me, that she was speaking quietly. “I care about you more than you could possibly understand.”
She had to stop. I couldn’t handle much more of it. This time I hadn’t been playing the piano. We hadn’t been dancing together. There was raw emotion pouring out from her that had me fighting in its clutches. Making it impossible for me to hold on. “I care about you too,” I breathed. Her eyes twinkled for just a moment. “I’m overwhelmed by you.”
I watched as Juliet trailed around the desk. Before I could stop myself, I turned to face her. She’d drawn in close. This can’t happen. It would be risky for both of us.
I know, I signed in reply. As disappointed as she looked, I knew it was written all over my face too. The tug on my body was so intense, I had to concentrate to pull myself back a step. Two. Finally, it broke the hold she had on me. At least enough for me to focus.
There was a small part of me that was aching for her to remember that night four years ago. The night we’d first met. If she had, she would have realized that this thing between us was inevitable. It had been that way from the start. Somehow, we’d been destined to meet. Instead, she was just another person in my life who’d forgotten me.
I’m truly sorry if I upset you. Juliet apologized in sign again.
Don’t be. I replied. We stood silent for a long agonizing moment before Juliet trailed around the desk and reached for her satchel and violin case. When she walked away, it broke me from my trance. I adjusted the backpack strap on my shoulder.
After she’d gathered her things, we met in front of the desk once more. A hand reached out to stroke my cheek. I leaned into her touch. It barely lasted, and when her hand had left me, I’d let out a soft sigh. “Have a good afternoon, Ms. Harvey.”
“You too, Professor Hamilton,” I replied, turning as she walked down the row of desks out of the room. My gaze following her until she’d disappeared.
I SPENT THE REMAINDER of the afternoon doing my best to focus in the library. Somehow, I managed to grade papers and study for my midterms that were in the middle of the week. Even amidst my distraction, I wasn’t worried. Most of the material I knew well enough. The only class that intimidated me was Juliet’s. Not because I was concerned about the exam itself, but because I was concerned how difficult it would be to focus with her in the room.
By the time I left campus for the evening, it was growing darker out and raining. I waited underneath the awning at the front of the building for a long while, contemplating my dash across the parking lot. Just as I was about to make a run for it, I felt a touch against my arm. When I looked beside me, Juliet was there.
“Can I walk you to your car?” There was an open black umbrella in her other hand. She must have noticed my stance as I was about to bolt into the downpour. It hadn’t been the first time I’d done it, always forgetting to bring an umbrella with me. Her invitation was welcomed. It was getting a little chilly. Being wet and cold did not seem the most appealing thing in the world.
Juliet pulled the large umbrella over us. Without thinking, I wrapped my arm around hers, like I would often do with Lydia. It helped keep me out of the rain as we made our way out into the parking lot. I fought every instinct to lean my head against her shoulder as we walked. We weaved through the cars as I led her to the Subaru. When we made it, I released my grip on her and turned to look at her, face to face.
The words I wanted to say got caught in my throat. The two of us stood transfixed on one another for an extended amount of time. Rain pelted around us, but I barely noticed it. I found myself begging for her to remember that night at the wedding. Something. Anything. To prove I wasn’t crazy. That the night had been as real to her as it was to me now. That it proved without a shadow of a doubt that this thing between us was real. That it was meant to happen.
“Do you remember Timothy and Miranda’s wedding?”
Juliet studied me curiously, “I was there.”
“Do you remember me?” I questioned, cautious of my words.
By the look on her face, she clearly didn’t. “I was rather distracted that night, to be honest. Miranda and Timothy told me you were there with your father.”
“I was,” I replied, fighting my instincts to continue questioning her. I couldn’t help myself. “Do you remember sitting under a willow tree? By the lake?” Again, Juliet looked even more perplexed than she already was.
“I’m not sure where you’re going with this, Ms. Harvey.”
Before I could help myself, I decided that I had to act. Fearing that if I didn’t, I’d let her slip away just like my father. Forgetting
me. I wasn’t sure I could handle it again.
I fell into her, in one swift motion, my hands wrapping around her face. My mouth planted firmly on hers. I pushed my body closer. Juliet was so stunned, the umbrella dropped to the ground. The rain pelted down around us, over us. It was the very last thing on my mind. Juliet’s hands wrapped into my soaking wet hair. Our lips drew into one another’s over and over again. Before I knew it, I’d gotten brave enough to drag my tongue against her bottom lip. When she opened her mouth, I moved inside. She tasted woody. Like the scotch she’d been drinking at the mixer. A distinct taste I wouldn’t have placed with anyone else. I let out a soft moan, and I felt her grip tighten on me.
Even drenched in the cold rain, there was a furnace of heat between us. I tangled myself in her, pressing her against the side of my car. Juliet’s hands roamed from the side of my face, down my neck and onto my shoulders. We were both panting as our lips fell apart and back together again. Tongues chasing one another in a frenzy. I kissed her until every bit of air escaped me.
When I pulled back, Juliet was staring at me. The flecks of green in her eyes catching the streetlamp light overhead. I could still make out her face even with the darkness and the rain. We stood in silence, letting our breaths catch up with us.
“Emma,” she breathed. I felt her fingers stroke up the length of my arms and it caused me to shiver. I could tell by the look on her face, whatever followed would not be what I wanted her to say. “We have to stop.”
“Please,” I begged, sounding more desperate than I’d ever imagined I could be. My fingers fell against her. My mouth crashed into hers again. Fiercely. I poured every ounce of myself into the way I kissed her. The length of my body trembled, my shoulders curling. Her skin fell beneath my fingertips as I raked them down her cheeks. Juliet’s hands grabbed fistfuls of my hair, holding us together.
My chest tightened, my heart racing faster than I’d ever felt it. A raging energy coursed through me that I couldn’t tame. Before I could stop her, Juliet had pulled away. It looked as painful for her as it felt for me.
“We have to be responsible,” Juliet gasped, barely able to catch her breath. My body was still burning, wanting to be wrapped up in her again. Not having this terrible conversation.
I don’t want to be responsible, I signed. I’m tired of being responsible.
There was a hint of a smile on Juliet’s lips. I can’t. If you weren’t a student, there would be no stopping me. No question. But this. It could ruin your career. Mine. We can’t.
As much as I wanted to beg more, I didn’t. I stood, still breathing in pants, trying to formulate something to say. “What if I changed schools? I could go back to NYU.”
For the first time in a while, Juliet looked angry with me. “You’ll do no such thing.”
I can’t be without you. I begged. I sounded ridiculous, but this back and forth between us had agonized me for long enough. “I’ll go. I’ll go in a heartbeat.”
“Don’t say it again.” Juliet’s eyes got deathly serious. A shiver ripped through me. I nodded. We stood silent for a long while. My body shivered from the cold. Juliet leaned forward to take my hand in her own. “Perhaps when you’re done with school.”
“That’s two years away.” I knew I was still whining like a child. A child that wasn’t getting what they wanted. “I can’t wait for two years, can you?”
“We have no choice, Emma.”
My lips twisted into an angry scowl. Not at her. Just at the situation. After a moment I felt my face relax. I squeezed her hand back. “We could be quiet. Careful.”
“I couldn’t risk it,” Juliet said. “I won’t risk it. For your sake. You’re far too talented.” I opened my mouth to argue again, and I watched her lean forward, pressing her fingers against my lips. A long breath of air rolled through my nostrils. Then another. When she pulled away, her facial expression had turned stern and calm. “Forgive me. I’m going to go.” Even with how desperately she was trying to maintain her composure, I could see how painful it was to say. Juliet gave me a fragile smile. I watched as she moved around to fetch her umbrella off the ground. Then she walked away, never looking back.
15
Juliet
THERE WAS NOTHING QUITE as painfully boring as dinner with my parents. I was quite sure the tradition had started my scotch habit, one that I shared with my father, Frederick. It was likely the sole reason I was able to function through the entire ordeal. They resided in a stuffy Victorian-style home on the east side of Annandale-on-Hudson. In the upscale neighborhood of Lindon Acres, with large spacious lots of overly-kept yards and expensive iron gates that rounded the premises. The brick house, which had been renovated twice since its century-old foundation was laid, had always been in my family. Before my father had inherited it, it had been my grandmothers.
No two people needed as much space as they had. There were enough empty bedrooms to house multiple families. Instead, it was just an excuse to pay the maids who provided the upkeep an excruciating salary to do so. My grandmother had made the smart decision to leave the place.
The smell of roasted duck filled my nostrils when I was greeted at the door. It was still raining out. My hair had started to wave from the moisture, my umbrella tattered after having been thrown recklessly to the ground only a short while earlier. I forced the thought from my mind. It would be impossible to function otherwise.
My mother Lilith met me at the door. We looked nothing alike, even more so now that her light-brown hair had greyed. The look she gave me with her worrisome blue eyes told me that nothing from her mouth would be something I’d like. She was the world's worst meddler. There wasn’t a question too personal. She knew nothing of boundaries, especially when it came to her only child. So, when I stood outside carelessly in the downpour, I could tell that a slew of questions were going to follow when I got inside.
“What on Earth are you doing?” My mother scolded me as she dragged me inside. I could feel sheets of water falling from me and onto the hardwood floor of the entryway. “Gwyn, fetch us some towels, would you?”
Gwyneth had been working for my parents since I was a child. Just a handful of years older than my parents, she was short and stocky and always had a friendly smile and a cheery demeanor. Growing up, she’d made the best applesauce from the trees in the backyard. After meals she’d sneak me small bowls as a treat, my parents never having known. While we waited for Gwyn to return with the towels, my mother took my coat from me, hanging it on the rack. “You don’t make it a habit to just stand out in the rain, Juliet?”
I forced myself to suppress the memory. Not now. I couldn’t. “My umbrella broke.” It was all I could manage to reply. My mother stared at me, flabbergasted.
“You’re incapable of purchasing a new one?”
“I’m going to go clean up, Mother,” I replied stiffly, taking the stack of towels Gwyn had fetched me once she returned to the doorway. “Thank you.” I offered her a small smile as I skirted around her and into the nearby bathroom.
Once I’d shut the wooden door tightly behind me, my body fell against it, sliding slowly towards the floor. It had been the first moment since I’d left the Bard nearly an hour ago, I finally had a chance to breathe. Long rolls of air drew in and out of my nose as I stared into the pristine half-bathroom, suspended in disbelief. Unable to comprehend the idea that my extraordinarily gifted, star student had kissed me. And that I’d kissed her back, without reservation. If I hadn’t come to my senses, who knew where we would have been in that moment. I forced the very idea from my mind with a frustrated sigh.
I managed to pull myself off the floor and to the sink. I washed my face and fixed my hair back into an appropriate looking braid, spending far too long than I would have normally spent on such trivial details. Even after I’d made myself presentable, I still felt like I needed a shower. Like my disheveled state would say everything it needed to my parents and there would be no hope of defending myself. After I’d dried myself off
sufficiently, I made my way through the halls to the dining room. My father and mother were both waiting. Gwyn had set out a spread of food across the table. It smelled divine.
“Tardiness is unbecoming, Juliet,” my father said, not looking up to meet eyes with me. He was finishing up a sip of his Dalmore scotch, his mouth hidden behind the glass, buried in a greying goatee that spread around his face. He was an intimidating looking man, with sharp features and a tall frame. I’d acquired my thick black hair and green eyes from him. Those callous words he spoke felt so familiar. They’d been said so many times now that I’d started to use it on my students. Specifically, I had remembered scolding Emma in the same manner.
“Sit,” my mother said, pulling out the chair beside her. I fell into it, shaking thoughts from my head once again. We took turns, serving ourselves with the delicious spread of food Gwyn had made. She’d never disappointed, in all the years she’d been with us. Roasted duck was a particular favorite of mine. Likely the only good thing that would come of this evening.
The room was deathly silent while we ate. A silence that I wasn’t used to, nor cared for. Unlike my home, where there was constant music playing, or the distant sounds of students and faculty at the Bard, or the city life of New York, it was empty here. Just the tiniest clinking of forks and knives against plates. No conversation of any sort. I found myself unable to get comfortable in my seat, rolling my shoulders and neck. My gaze shifted from my mother to my father, in hopes that someone would break the silence. Say anything at all.
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