by Hazel Kelly
“I’m sure it wouldn’t.”
“C’mon, Connor,” she said, taking a sip of Sprite. “My life is a shambles right now. The least you could do is admit you’ve failed at something in the last few years.”
“I didn’t fail,” I said. “The pregnancy did.”
She lowered her soda. “What?”
I sighed. “She was a student in one of my classes.”
“At vmiet school?”
I nodded. “We were seeing each other on and off for a while.”
“And she got pregnant?”
“Yeah.” I ran a hand through my hair. “So I asked her to move in with me.”
Laney crumpled the paper wrapping around what was left of her dinner and stared at her lap.
“We lost the baby, though- a little girl- and decided to go our separate ways after that.”
Laney looked at me through watery eyes.
I took a deep breath.
“You’re right,” she said. “I don’t feel better.”
I reached an arm over the back of the bench and stared at the manicured gardens in the middle of the square. “I’d appreciate if you kept that to yourself,” I said. “It’s not exactly common knowledge around here.”
“Of course.”
“It was an accident.”
She raised her eyebrows.
“We were being careless.”
She pursed her lips.
“I wouldn’t have moved in with her and tried so hard to make it work if it hadn’t been for the baby.”
“I understand,” she said. “And I’m so sorry.”
“Life happens,” I said. “At least I learned from it.”
“What did you learn?” she asked, crossing a leg towards me.
“That I definitely want kids,” I said. “Eventually. With the right person.”
She squinted at me, her eyes searching my face.
“I couldn’t believe how much I wanted that little girl,” I said. And it was true. Losing her broke my heart for a second time. We were going to call her Sarah. Because it means princess, and I had every intention of spoiling her rotten.
“Do you guys keep in touch?”
I shook my head. “No. I think she married the guy she dated after me, but I’m not sure. It doesn’t matter now. I didn’t love her. I’m just glad she was able to move on after what we went through.”
“And what about you?” she asked.
“What about me?”
“Are you okay?”
“Of course I’m okay, Laney. I got on with it. What choice did I have?”
She reached her hand for my bundled wad of trash and walked it to the garbage can across the paved path.
I watched the hem of her little blue dress and hoped sharing that with her hadn’t been a mistake. “Do you have room for dessert?” I asked, rising off the bench.
“Maybe after a ramble,” she said. “And thanks for dinner, by the way.”
“You’re welcome,” I said. “I hope I didn’t spoil it with my honesty at the end there.”
She stopped walking and put a hand on my shoulder. “Of course not. I really appreciate you trusting me with that.”
I felt a pinch in my chest. Didn’t she know there was nothing I wouldn’t trust her with? That there was a time when I trusted her with everything from my heart to my unborn children? No matter.
The important thing was that being around her was getting less painful by the minute, and that could only be a good thing for my heart and my head.
“So were you thinking Homer’s milkshakes or frozen chocolate bananas at Eddie’s?”
I shook my head. “Oh my god. I haven’t had a chocolate dipped banana since I was a teenager.”
“If we’re lucky, they still do the one with the peanuts,” she said, her eyes following an orange Frisbee on the other side of the park.
“I actually thought we’d swing by Dave’s for dessert.”
“Dave’s?” She cocked her head at me. “Like Dave Dave?”
“Yeah. He’s having a barbeque for some family thing. I imagine there’ll be an entire selection of desserts there, including his wife’s apple tarts which are good enough to die for.”
“He’s still with Amber?” she asked.
“He is. They’ve got three kids now. All girls.”
“Wow.”
“The oldest two are almighty terrors,” I said. “But the youngest is still little enough that she just lays there and looks kind of spooked all the time.”
She laughed, and the sound shattered the heavy cloak of sadness I felt I’d flung over us.
She scrunched her face. “I don’t know if Dave would appreciate me rocking up to his house uninvited after all this time.”
“Maybe not,” I said. “But that’s not a problem because you are invited.”
“I am?”
“I talked to him about it earlier this week. Said you were in town and that you might come along.”
“Was this before or after I said I’d have dinner with you?” she asked, her eyes pining mine to the back of my skull.
“Does it matter?”
“It was before, wasn’t it?”
I nodded.
“You were that confident that I was going to say yes?” she asked, craning her neck forward. “Even when you knew I was seeing someone else?”
“No. To be honest, I had absolutely no confidence in you at all.”
Her lips fell apart. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“That it’s been years since I was in a position to guess what you might do.”
“So what would make you ask him?” she asked. “When I’d been nothing but a jerk?”
I shrugged. “I guess I was just confident in my ability to keep asking.”
Chapter 19: Laney
There were a thousand more questions I wanted to ask him. Like what stage of the pregnancy his ex was in when she lost the baby and whether or not they’d already bought a crib and little pink footie pajamas.
God that must’ve been heartbreaking.
And despite how selfish it was to think of myself in light of that news, I couldn’t help but notice a shameful feeling bubbling up in me. Was it jealousy? Was I jealous that he had been that close to someone, that he’d shared something so intense with someone that wasn’t me?
Obviously I used to think I’d be the one to experience that with him, that he would press his ear against my stomach and stuff pillows behind my back, that he would bring me ice cream in the night and bounce my children on his knee.
If I could even have kids, that is. Half the time I was sure I’d never be equipped to have a family, especially considering the bullshit parenting I was subjected to during my upbringing. I mean, I would literally have to do the opposite of everything my mom did.
And did the world really need my offspring? I just found out pineapples don’t grow on trees two weeks ago. If I didn’t even know stuff like that, how the hell did I think I was going to be able to answer the big questions?
Then again, kids could Google everything these days. Plus, you didn’t really have to tell them the truth about anything until their ability to remember kicked in, and when was that- age five? Could I smarten up in that amount of time?
Whatever.
There was no chance Connor told me that so that I would dwell on the thought of him impregnating me for the rest of the night. He was just being honest.
Besides, it could’ve been me if I hadn’t blown it, and things were messy enough without me going out of my way to stomp through the puddles of my own regret.
Worst of all, I felt some seedy smug feeling over his admission that he didn’t love her. I mean, what the fuck was my problem? I broke up with him.
Had all those years I’d told myself that I wanted what was best for him been a lie?
Begrudging him any love he might have experienced over the years was downright cruel. Sometimes I swear I was the worst person on Earth.
We rounded the corne
r, and I noticed some brightly colored balloons hovering over a mailbox a few doors down.
“Is that their house?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“It’s really nice,” I said, wondering how the hell they could afford it.
“Amber’s aunt left her some money when she died that covered the deposit.”
I nodded. “I see.”
“But the mortgage is still crushing Dave a little more each day so feel free to make a fuss about the place.”
“Will do.”
We followed the sound of screaming kids and muffled chatter up the driveway and around the stone house. When the backyard opened up, my jaw nearly dropped.
It was big enough that Amber had rented a bouncy castle for the day, and despite the fact that they already had one of those enormous trampolines, there was still plenty of room to spare.
Best of all, the large trees around the perimeter of the property were stunning.
I saw a hand shoot up by the grill and Connor waved back, his hand gracing my lower back as we headed towards Dave.
When we arrived at the grill beside the expansive stone patio, Dave closed it, hung the spatula on the handle, and stepped away from the heat.
“Well if it isn’t Laney Price,” he said, pressing his cheek to mine.
“Hi,” I said. “It’s nice to see you.”
“How long are you going to be in town?” he asked, his tone strangely formal, as if I’d just walked into the middle of a police interview.
“I’m not sure,” I said.
“What brings you back?” he asked.
I desperately wanted to mumble some bullshit about being in a transitional period, but it sounded so lame in my head I froze for a moment.
“She’s got some loose ends to tie up,” Connor interjected. “And she might extend her stay to paint a mural on the old climbing wall at York Street Park.”
Dave raised his eyebrows. “No shit.”
I shrugged.
“You must be doing really well to consider taking such a lengthy unpaid job,” he said.
“And you must be doing really well to be living in this castle,” I said, pissed at the air of judgement in his voice.
He clenched his jaw as he blushed.
“Congratulations on baby number three, by the way,” I said. “Connor was just telling me that you’ve become quite the family man.”
“Yeah,” Dave said, wiping his hands on his Kiss the Cook apron. “The love of a good woman can ruin a person that way.”
“Is Amber around?” I asked, looking over my shoulder. “It’s been ages since I’ve seen her.”
He scanned the yard and pointed towards a table at the edge of the garden. “She’s parked next to the white wine over there,” he said. “And I should warn you she hasn’t moved from that spot all night so-”
“I’m going to pop over and say hi,” I said, stealing a glance at Connor. “And leave you guys to it.”
After Connor smiled and nodded at me, I headed to where Amber was sitting with another woman, who was rolling a small stroller back and forth beside her chair.
Amber stood up when she saw me coming and stomped her heels in the grass like she was dancing on hot coals. “Laney! Oh my god!”
“You look amazing,” I said, pulling her into a hug.
“So do you!” she said. “It’s so wonderful to see you.”
“You too.”
“Would you mind rolling this stroller while I run to the bathroom,” the young mother who smelled like breastmilk asked. “I’d love to meet and greet you, but I’m actually bursting-”
“No problem,” I said, reaching for the handle of the stroller.
“So,” Amber said, draining her wine and pouring a glass for each of us. “What have you been up to? I was just thinking about you the other day.”
“Oh?”
She nodded. “Some of the girls and I volunteered to paint the Glee Club float for the Fourth of July Parade, and halfway through our meeting- aka wine binge at Jeri’s- we realized most of us can barely even draw a musical note freehand. Don’t even get me started on the treble clef. Anyway, since you were always the best at art in high school, you popped into my head.”
I smiled.
“And sometimes- and by sometimes I mean every other day- when my little girls play dress up and put wigs on, you cross my mind. They mostly have Disney princess wigs, but they don’t have one that works for Pocahontas or Mulan yet.”
“Thanks for thinking of me, Amber,” I said, taking a sip of wine as I rolled the stroller gently in the grass. “That’s really nice to hear.”
“Are you kidding? I think about you all the time,” she said, leaning forward and batting the lashes around her green eyes. “Well, maybe not as much as some people-” Her eyes strayed behind me, and I followed them over my shoulder to where Connor was still talking to Dave by the grill.
“I didn’t realize Dave missed me that much,” I said.
“Not Dave, silly.”
I cocked my head.
“Oh, that was a joke.” Amber tapped her long nails on the base of her wine glass. “I get it.”
“Anyway, that’s nice of you to say, but I’m pretty sure Connor’s been preoccupied with plenty of other things.”
She dropped her chin and kept her eyes on me. “Oh come on, Laney. Don’t be naïve. You and I both know there are only two things that have ever preoccupied Connor.”
I raised my eyebrows.
“And the other one’s the animal kingdom.”
Chapter 20: Connor
Watching her from across the yard made me feel like a teenager again.
I was always so aware of her back then no matter what we were up to.
Even that first day I saw her sitting by herself in the cafeteria wearing geeky glasses that failed to hide how beautiful she was, I had to go over.
And I’d been like a moth to a flame ever since.
Frankly, by the time we graduated she was almost like a limb.
That’s why her severing ties had been so shitty for me.
Because it didn’t feel like I’d merely broken up with someone. It felt like part of me had been cut off and cast away.
And as I watched her bounce Elly Cartwright’s new baby on her knee, I decided that it was wise to recall how hurt I’d been.
Because if I wasn’t careful, it could happen again.
It was strange, though. Normally I was such a level headed guy. Anyone would’ve described me as a rational person. But the attraction I had to Laney made me stupid and vulnerable, and I could feel it in every cell of my body.
It was like one of those friendships where you know the other person means infinitely more to you than you do to them, but even imagining life without them is so much more painful than that realization that you make a conscious choice to take what you can get.
Because your life is richer with them in it.
Logically, I should’ve spent the evening flirting with the Detgens like a normal single guy who has his priorities straight.
Instead, I preferred to show Laney a good time. Just once more. Just in case it was my last chance.
And I could tell by the look on Dave’s face that he didn’t understand why I was doing this to myself.
“Did you have a nice time?” I asked as we strolled back the way we came, across the park and down the street with the fragrant cherry blossom trees.
Laney nodded. “It went better than I thought it would, actually.”
I furrowed my brow. “How did you think it would go?”
“I don’t know. I guess I was worried I wouldn’t really fit in.”
“Why would you feel that way?” I asked. “You must’ve known over half the people there.”
She shrugged.
A firecracker went off in the distance.
She looked at me.
“Kids down by the lake,” I said.
“Some things never change, eh?”
I smiled.
She took a deep breath. “I suppose I’m just so used to going to parties in New York where there’s no pressure to fit in. On the contrary, everyone prides themselves on not fitting it, on the fact that they’re different.”
“Sure.”
“But this is such a tight knit community,” she said. “Not fitting in here can be isolating and scary.”
“You looked like you felt comfortable.”
“I did,” she said. “I’m relieved how much actually. Amber especially went out of her way to make me feel welcome.”
“Yeah, she’s a sweetheart. And she was always fond of you.”
“Which is more than I can say for Dave,” she said, keeping her eyes on the sidewalk.
“Don’t mind him. Being a good host doesn’t come naturally to him.”
“It’s fine. I have a thick enough skin that I can handle it, but he was borderline interrogating me.”
“What did you expect?” I asked.
“Sorry?”
“What did you expect?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “To not be interrogated at a barbeque?”
“I’m sure he has his reasons.”
“And what might they be?” she asked.
I shrugged. “Who knows?”
Laney stopped in her tracks. “I bet you do.”
“It doesn’t matter. Come on.”
“No. It does matter,” she said. “He’s worried I’m going to hurt you again, isn’t he?”
“He’s worried about a lot of things,” I said, looking into her blue eyes.
“Don’t put that on me, Connor.”
I raised my eyebrows.
“I’m not the only adult in this relationship.”
“What relationship, Laney?”
She cocked her hip. “Don’t play stupid. You know this isn’t normal- what we have. It isn’t right.”
I scratched the back of my head. “What’s not right about it? We used to date, and I took you out as a gesture of goodwill.”
“Why?” she asked, folding her arms.
“Because eating alone is overrated.”
“But you should hate me,” she said. “You shouldn’t even be able to look at my face.”
I waved her ridiculous comments away and headed down the street.
“Don’t walk away,” she said, hurrying after me. “You owe me an explanation.”